I'll start by saying what I liked. I liked the interactions between the characters, and you can tell the parents care for their daughters. However, I felt this first chapter lacked a hook. Generally, you want the ending line to make the reader want more. Also, I felt towards the end it was hard to follow who was speaking. I hope this feedback was helpful =)
I just realised that your story was complete. Now I feel embarrassed for my previous comment. My apologies, I can be absentminded sometimes. Yet, I'm glad to see that you kept it up till the end.
I was desperately looking for a book to read, something that would catch my interest. Your story did, and as soon as I started reading, I knew it would be good, and well, I guess I was right. I'm more than satisfied. I don't regret coming across your book.
This first chapter is a really, really good introduction to all your characters, and you set the scene perfectly. By the way, I like your writing style.
Please keep it up! And don't give up on this work ;)
I can tell you're building up to something with this chapter. I'm excited. ^~^
I like the way you introduced each character. You showed insight to each character but made it all interesting as well. I enjoyed this first chapter.
That being said, your grammar needs a bit of work. You had quite a few fragmented sentences, and if you have a dialogue tag (which is anything that describes a quote, aka "said" or any other variation of "said"), you have to connect it to the quote. For example:
"Mamma, I beg of you to let me come," Thalassa pleaded as her family started for the door. (Just as a note, I corrected the verb tense of "beg.")
Notice that instead of a period, I used a comma. That's really all there is to it. (If the quoted sentence ends in an exclamation point or a question mark, do not use a comma. You can just leave it as is.)
I also noticed you mix up your verb tenses a little (especially in the intro, but I already submitted edits for that) as well as your prepositions. Don't worry; my parents (who are from the Philippines) do that, too. (Especially my mom.) English is really hard, isn't it?
I know I criticized your grammar a lot. But please don't be offended by that! I'm just a grammar freak. The chapter was actually really well-written. :)
Grammar is really not my best forte.. so, your help would be greatly appreciated. If it is not a bother, i have allowed revisions for this story and hope you could help me.
This first chapter is a really, really good introduction to all your characters, and you set the scene perfectly. By the way, I like your writing style.
Please keep it up! And don't give up on this work ;)
L.S
I like the way you introduced each character. You showed insight to each character but made it all interesting as well. I enjoyed this first chapter.
That being said, your grammar needs a bit of work. You had quite a few fragmented sentences, and if you have a dialogue tag (which is anything that describes a quote, aka "said" or any other variation of "said"), you have to connect it to the quote. For example:
"Mamma, I beg of you to let me come," Thalassa pleaded as her family started for the door. (Just as a note, I corrected the verb tense of "beg.")
Notice that instead of a period, I used a comma. That's really all there is to it. (If the quoted sentence ends in an exclamation point or a question mark, do not use a comma. You can just leave it as is.)
I also noticed you mix up your verb tenses a little (especially in the intro, but I already submitted edits for that) as well as your prepositions. Don't worry; my parents (who are from the Philippines) do that, too. (Especially my mom.) English is really hard, isn't it?
I know I criticized your grammar a lot. But please don't be offended by that! I'm just a grammar freak. The chapter was actually really well-written. :)
If it is not a bother, i have allowed revisions for this story and hope you could help me.