Every night, I lie in bed awake for hours at a time in my pitch black room. It's impossible to get any amount of sleep with thoughts running through your head at light speed, anyone can attest to that. But I've always had trouble with sleep, even when I didn't have anything to think about.
Doctors have tried time and time again to give me medication that would help me sleep, but nothing seems to work. I'm always up late, getting a maximum of three hours of sleep before I have to wake up for school, or whatever else I have going on when it's the weekend. They refuse to diagnose me with Insomnia though. My parents keep telling me it's my computer that keeps me awake, but I know that's not true. I only have my computer for music to fall asleep to.
But sometimes, music can't numb exactly what's going on in my head. Sometimes, I'm forced to turn it off and lie there and think. It's never something I can get used to. I refuse to get used to it. One of two things will end up happening when I can't fall asleep due to the thoughts in my head: I will either turn my music up and hope it helps me forget, or I go outside through my window and stroll the neighborhood.
Going for walks always helped me ease my mind. Something about walking around the street lamp-lit sidewalks always soothed me. Every time I would come home from a walk outside, it would always be easier for me to fall asleep.
So, that's what I did. I went down the checklist for making sure I was as silent as possible: threw on a sweatshirt, shorts, and shoes, opened the blinds quietly; as well as the window, and closed everything on my way out. I had to scale a six and a half foot gate to escape from the side of the house my window faced, but it's all been packed into a formula by this point.
Where I live, it's your typical suburban neighborhood. Small yards, close houses, tons of street lights. There were only a few trees in sight within the colonized area, and they were growing around the fenced in, grassy areas that collected rainwater when it rained. However, there was this one spot that I loved to lie down in when I didn't feel like walking either.
Just beyond the neighborhood's boarder, another fence was placed, separating the suburban area from a forest. There was a spot about a quarter mile in that had a circular clearing from twigs and leaves, where you could lie down and stare straight up and see the moon if it was at it's highest point through all the tree branches.
I headed down to the circular clearing. I always called it the Moon Spot, due to the moon shining clearly down upon it. As I lied down, I noticed that the moon was shining directly down upon me. It was a full moon tonight. I closed my eyes and tried to sort out the mess in my head that plagued my sleep. But thoughts seemed to escape me, as the world around me began to change.
I opened my eyes, and I was in a completely different place. Shocked and confused I began to run around, but there was simply nothing. I was suspended in a world of nothing but white. I tried to speak, but I couldn't hear my own voice. I thought I had died and been locked in a pocket dimension, but it only got scarier as it continued on.
From above, I could see the moon again. It began to fill the world with color as it descended from the nothingness around me. But it didn't take me into the forest; the moon had spawned in the hallway of my school, with me facing my open locker. It was filled with all of my books, neatly stacked. This contrasted greatly to the messy locker that awaited me at school every day.
The hallway began to fill with people as I looked at the time on my watch. It read "12:07 P.M.," meaning that it was currently lunch time. Confused, I decided to head to the cafeteria. People in the hallway who passed me did not speak, nor did they seem to notice that I was there.
I walked into the cafeteria, where several hundred students were sitting, yet none of them were talking. Not even the group of annoying, giggling blonde girls were talking. That's when I knew for a fact something was incredibly wrong. I thought at first I had just blanked out for a couple hours, but no. It had to be something else.
As I began to realize how fake the setting was, everyone's heads turned to me. I was freaked out by this and started to slowly walk backwards. As I moved backwards, I had bumped into someone. I didn't want to look behind me, but I knew I had to at this point. Even after coming to that realization, I finally spoke up, figuring out I had a voice again.
"I'm sorry," I said, not looking behind me.
"It's okay," said a girl's voice. Not just any girl's voice, I quickly realized. It was Reyna's voice. My ex-girlfriend's voice.
I slowly turned around to see her standing there with a smile on her face. She looked so beautiful. Her short, brown hair, brown eyes, long nose. She looked just as beautiful as I remembered seeing her last.
"Reyna?" I asked, quietly.
"I know what you're thinking of doing, and I won't let you do it," She responded.
I got a sense of unease at her response. There are many things I was thinking at the time; how was I supposed to know what she was talking about in particular. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a knife. My knife, the one I had in my night stand.
"It's a utility knife, stupid. You use it to open boxes and to cut ropes," she said, still smiling. She handed me the knife, and turned and walked away. Talking started up in the cafeteria after this encounter. I just looked down at my knife dumbfounded. I scrolled up my sleeve, looking at the damage I had caused to my arm over time. I closed my knife and threw it at Reyna's feet as she walked away.
"Why would you care anyway? You broke up with me, didn't you? You shouldn't give a shit about my life or well-being what-so-ever," I yelled. The cafeteria went silent again. Reyna turned around, tears in her eyes.
"You don't get it, do you?" She said, her voice shaking, "I've said 'I love you' to you before. Do you think I was lying? Do you?! Just because it didn't work out between us doesn't mean I hate you, and it sure as hell doesn't mean I wouldn't care if you-" she stopped.
"Reyna... I-" I tried to speak, but I couldn't find the words to say. She continued to walk away, and I walked over to my knife. I dropped to my knees and opened it, and tried to slice my skin again, but my knife wouldn't come into contact with my skin. I kept trying, but to no avail. That's when things started to change again.
The moon shined clear as day above me again as from behind the moon the scenery began to change again. This time, the setting was much smaller. I was in a single room; I was in my dad's bedroom. This was a little less frightening for me, since I thought that maybe I had finally been caught sneaking out. But of course, I was wrong again.
My dad was absent from the room, and instead, a single person was sitting on the bed. It was my mother. My mother had died three years ago of unknown causes; or at least my dad wouldn't tell me what they were. If this was anything like what had happened previously, I'd finally be able to talk to her again. Sure enough, I was right this time.
"Mom?" I asked, already tearing up from just the sight of her.
"It's been a long time, hasn't it?" She said, with a bright smile on her face.
"What- what happened-" I couldn't finish asking her what happened to her before I started bawling and running up to her and hugging her.
"Sweetheart," my mother said, holding me tight, "there's a reason your father won't tell you what happened to me, you know." I looked up at her, slightly confused. She was still smiling down at me, causing me to continue to cry like a baby.
"You know about the genetics in our family, right?" She asked me.
"Y-Yeah" I barely managed to speak.
"We come from a line of people who have clinical depression. My grandfather had it, my father had it, I had it, and we both know that you have it," she said to me. "Your father and I started fighting when you were very young. It wasn't long before he and I were forced to divorce because of the terrible family situation. But he would always do everything in his power to keep custody of you and for you to never see me. He thought I would be toxic to you because I was so 'depressing.' The last time I saw you four years ago, your father tried to get a job across the country so that I would be away from you. That's why you moved to Oregon, sweetie. He wanted us to be far apart." I looked at her in disbelief.
"Without the ability to see you," she said, as she started to tear up, "I made an even bigger mistake." I knew what it was.
"You don't have to say it, mom," I managed to say, still teary-eyed. "I know where this is going."
"That's why I'm hear, sweetie," She said to me, starting to smile again. "I don't want you to fall victim to the same fate as me. You're stronger than that. I was stronger than that, but I never believed in myself. You need to believe in yourself." I started to cry again.
"I can't believe in a lost cause, mom," I said as I started to go hysterical again.
"Me either," she responded, "that's why I will always believe in you." I started to smile as the moon appeared above me again.
"I love you, mom," I said, incredibly teared up.
"I love you too, sweetie," my mother replied. She smiled as the scenery changed back to pure white, and I was the only one again. I looked up to the moon. It was clearly causing all of this. I now understood what it was doing, what it was trying to tell me.
"Can I go home?" I ask it, as if it can hear me. It begins to create a figure in front of me. He had short, black hair that was well-pampered, He wore a black, leather jacket, paired with a black band shirt and jeans, sporting black shoes as well. He had blue eyes that looked identical to mine. This figure was me. He held out his fist and opened it to reveal my knife.
"Can we agree on something?" He asked me, looking straight into my eyes.
"What is it?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
"Let's ditch this thing. Let's move on, let's grow up. Let's deal with our problems like an adult. Mom may have lost her battle with depression, but that doesn't mean we're bound to lose it too. We can fight this. Even if we don't believe in us, she believes in us," he finished. I nodded and shook his hand.
"Thank you," I said.
"You're welcome, me," He responded. "Close your eyes."
As I closed my eyes, I found myself immediately opening them again. I was staring into the night sky through tree branches. I was lying down in the moon spot. I had fallen asleep. I looked at my watch. It read "3:21 A.M." I'd been dreaming for about an hour, and yet it felt like it was only a few minutes. I could feel dried tears on my cheeks.
I began to walk home, trying to remember everything that had just happened. The dream had already started to become a vivid memory. But there was one thing that I remembered, one thing that I will never forget. I will never forget my mom smiling, telling me she believes in me. It would warm my heart every time I'd see her face in any way, shape or form.
As I returned home, I took the knife out of my night stand and set it on my window still. The very first thing I did later in the morning was return to the moon spot, and I chucked the knife as far into the woods as possible. Moon dream me was right. It was time for me to find a new way of handling my problems. The best thing I learned from the dream in the moon spot is that there is always someone who believes in you.
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