餘燼 - 第四章無聲的崩潰(下)

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEPrgH7Cb9d

那天下午，陳醫師的診所打電話來提醒他下次回診的時間。他接電話的時候坐在客廳的地板上，背靠著沙發，膝蓋蜷在胸前。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi75wegFSkl

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCxm2IKyYj

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueQgDEc1bS

「沈先生，下次回診是下週三下午兩點，方便嗎？」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgMvBZu6bB

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBWDhWdxv0

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7C7QQSawHr

「……方便。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXNl413wtA

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1SBuWgE9Q

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07ECbSTN9V

「好的。另外，沈先生，最近身體還好嗎？藥物有沒有不舒服的反應？」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmF3ZM7f3ER

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJaJZufHj9P

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡteymOxufAR

他張了張嘴。他想說，我睡了很多。我想說，我昨天用刮鬍刀割了自己，但不深，應該沒關係。我想說，我覺得自己正在消失，慢一點但確實在消失，我不知道該怎麼辦。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wAYCUw2oi

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCnLzuOiwyf

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoxaI4fYzI

但他最後說出口的只有：「還好，就是有點嗜睡。其他都還好。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzFYzCcf7Qw

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliSN1xrGC3

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwgIz7Ylfxt

「那沒關係，慢慢適應就好了。如果有任何不舒服，隨時聯絡我們。沈先生，要照顧好自己喔。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMNBsjhqv6

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa5yoJZjIyB

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8I5v85Ci3

「……好。謝謝。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtC0NmM2eff

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8MAdQUs4z

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpc8QFXKtKz

電話掛斷之後，他把手機放在地板上，背靠著沙發，看著窗外的天空。今天的雲層比昨天散了一些，有一塊藍色的天空從雲縫裡露出來，像是某種遙遠的、不可觸及的希望。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5PXSXk6cg

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghf9cmJNEL

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXvrWt3UB0C

他覺得自己應該要站起來，走過去，站到那片陽光底下。但他沒有力氣。他的身體像是被釘在了地板上，每一個關節都生了鏽。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmoyajoYE59

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZGHgFbqaD

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrr6JSy1Dzj

他低下頭，把袖子往上推。傷口還在那裡，貼著透氣膠帶，邊緣微微泛紅。他伸手按了一下，疼。那個疼讓他覺得自己還活著。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YXC6YlpVY

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjn8h5rbJLq

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKrvniKzGP

他把袖子放下來，又蜷縮成一團。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjKyPSqeIW

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWEr4w6HUn

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxibuAQpDhb

那天晚上林餘還是沒有回來。只傳了一則訊息說「晚上有事，不回了」。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3wESEVd9c

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQyLfQn5FEp

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhEjMBq2ncG

沈燼看著那則訊息，打了回覆：「嗯。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvVWaOCDDA

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc07bbgHmXO

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdIXHqkkNA

然後他把手機放在一邊，走進浴室，關上門。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtapaMkFDO

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFVTUKYjWW

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cZQ3QV2zN

這次他沒有關燈。燈光很白，照得磁磚反光。他坐在浴缸邊緣，從洗手台的抽屜裡拿出那盒他今天早上剛買的、全新的美工刀。鋁合金的刀身，很輕，很涼。他把刀片推出來一截，鋒利的銀白色刀刃在燈光下閃了一下。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXUtwTeAo2

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPXtpZ6kwX

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nyiBMS9f6

他又把左手的袖子往上推。昨天的傷口還在，結了一層薄薄的痂。他把刀片放在傷口旁邊的位置。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8c3v6rwI0

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlu1KaW83f5

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9k0yyRl7Ln

他不知道自己為什麼要這麼做。他只知道這樣做讓他覺得好一點。讓那些塞滿他胸膛的、無法命名的東西，能從這些小小的縫隙裡流出去一些。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTByaslO24

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGe5dQ05ezi

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFUBqjmHab

刀片滑過皮膚。這一次他用力了一些，傷口比昨天深。血湧出來的速度很快，順著手臂內側往下淌，滴在浴缸邊緣，一滴，兩滴，三滴。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpzAat6chR

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmBrvAjMWR4

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ66GUVM7v5r

他看著那些血滴，覺得它們像某種他很久沒有感覺過的東西。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrcm7SppBsy

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZlW5R1Pbw

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfB3OLywUuo

熱的。活的。流動的。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKqTXwDzUN6

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCo7TK3GXh

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXEvKZjXQx

他吸了一口氣，又劃了第三道。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ABbgXx1YD

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydOhuUOksa

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsVdd7PVkrk

這一次他沒有哭。他只是坐在那裡，看著那些傷口，看著血慢慢從裡面滲出來。他的表情很平靜，甚至帶著一點茫然的專注，像是在完成一件需要仔細的事情。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtHEab7h4y

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7u2WJ5khUH

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTBFPILhCw

等他處理完傷口，貼上新的透氣膠帶之後，他把美工刀收進抽屜最裡面，用一疊毛巾蓋住。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlapx59h76

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQBqZM7d1s

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjU37wKDntk

然後他關了浴室的燈，走回臥室，躺到床上。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3J97WySalX

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaH9JaQlZi

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWpnpU1fRn

這一次他很快就睡著了。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLe8TWpa29n

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEiVIHgNinx

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jmx1Wmi3y

隔天早上他醒來的時候，手臂傳來鈍痛。他低頭看，三條傷口整整齊齊地排列著，在膠帶下面隱隱透出暗紅色。他把袖子拉下來，確定遮住了，才起身去洗臉。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6CYxM2l2j7

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3GZ66nAey

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqK004N5x9

刷牙的時候手機響了。是林餘的語音通話。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJHcspCT73

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8joiAWNmB

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8tSOrw8Rd

他接起來：「喂？」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIm4LlBhNCg

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKbCHeJzdus

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlyQzf85ziv

「沈燼。」林餘的聲音聽起來很急，背景有車聲，「你在家嗎？」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PVqTiFTVc

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkH6Psh64aU

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVa0zLbaFDV

「在。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5zJIXzXFx

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77gATsVZYp

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3S0hjMbsHc

「我忘了帶一份文件，在書桌左邊的抽屜裡。你幫我找一下，拍照傳給我。我現在在計程車上，快到公司了。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPPJ6OHLtb

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ47DZ8dCBk

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkp8Zs5Ydde

「……好。什麼樣的？」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjLMBknbMyY

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZqjBL8PWD

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡywxZgUCBv2

「一個牛皮紙袋，上面寫著『都更案』。你找到了拍照給我就好。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2ViQy7qSe

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZOBtjw4IDl

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsY6xJxyp8m

「好。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0Zth9c0tw

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFsosLf548

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFsgqVFzyqI

「那我掛了，你找到快點傳給我——」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4w4jAJ42Q

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHu8SLVRsmu

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3DVDQrQE67

「林餘。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡano2VOkXJH

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡItqV3rBpQG

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFskUKHH0ta

「嗯？」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwJQAsEa2T

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5wORyakid

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7OgdkyVdbH

沈燼握著手機，站在浴室門口。晨光從客廳落地窗照進來，鋪在木地板上，暖洋洋的一片。他想說，我的手受傷了。他想說，昨天晚上我割了自己，你知不知道。他想說，你可不可以回來看我一眼。就一眼。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrBaK8wZ9tW

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnmJpRdHXx

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsEPNiQgdL

但他最後說出口的還是：「……沒事。我去幫你找。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxTI7vttbo

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD80cuk2QlD

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhEjw9tXAN4

「好，謝謝。」

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzKhP7Nzk1s

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0I4D0A6TsR

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoiyhOA7hRM

電話掛斷了。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtUWOE3Ih0Y

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZHnwJ4tPE

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfyQyfLQd3V

沈燼走進工作室，打開書桌左邊的抽屜。裡面確實有一個牛皮紙袋，上面用簽字筆寫著「都更案」三個字。他拿起來，拍了照片，傳給林餘。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDv4vwh68Pw

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrYvdhD2Cdc

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhxt5mVnJC

然後他把紙袋放回抽屜裡，關上抽屜。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgOhayiXH6

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGafpd5W6Om

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWPI2Qpzce

他站在書桌前，低頭看著自己的左手手腕。袖子垂下來，遮住下面的傷痕。他慢慢地把袖子往上推，露出那三條被透氣膠帶覆蓋的傷口。膠帶邊緣的皮膚微微發紅，傷口周圍有一點腫。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbEzvlWC7l

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvfhAWFeOu

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6qQWLOOel

他把手指放在膠帶上面，輕輕按壓。疼痛從皮膚表面傳進來，鈍而確實。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lZifLEDkK

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpXPnitnQU

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3pyqQALTJ

他看著那些傷口，想起自己昨天晚上坐在浴缸邊緣的樣子。燈光很白，血流下來，滴在磁磚上。他那時候在想什麼？

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1D76J5rsyl

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujTJlmsSXG

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYthzs4JIL

什麼都沒有想。他的腦子是空的。只有一個念頭反覆地、機械地轉著——要讓它流出去。要讓那些東西流出去。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrhUCbelmD

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLxRiN95he

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgaMpxie4ep

他不知道那些東西是什麼。但他知道它們還在他身體裡。每一次他以為已經放掉了一些，隔天它們又會重新灌滿，像是某種不會枯竭的地下水源。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zLYw6A3vU

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbe4TlR2gKD

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXu8kupTZv5

他把袖子放下來，走回客廳。陽光已經從落地窗移動到了沙發邊緣，照在他昨天坐過的那塊地板上。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLy1jtZNwN0

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4AZIEMiKNN

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcXjcbbaSF

他沒有坐過去。他繞過那片陽光，走進了臥室，關上門，把窗簾拉起來。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwuGUdVIFsd

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fTa71YE0u

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDh4XkU0va6

房間暗下來的那個瞬間，他覺得安全了一點。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIW4cvV7YS4

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrLvxgTFbT

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcPuORujZ3

他躺到床上，把被子拉高，蓋住自己的頭。被子裡很悶，但他的呼吸很淺，淺到他幾乎感覺不到自己在呼吸。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJAv0Swucnx

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhO1VvcEI4K

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlT40VcO1N

他閉上眼睛，又睜開。黑暗裡什麼都沒有。沒有林餘，沒有那些等待，沒有那些得不到回應的訊息。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCO6hAFQe0

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lvIzVWqJ7

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQKWAFlOOC

只有他自己。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlR7SId2O33

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQYGBkjoZB

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjxpIUz4jK

還有那些他正在嘗試放出去的、但永遠放不完的東西。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMqWIDAQ6W

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIomkkE4DGy

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWguwx9rO4n

他翻過身，把手腕壓在枕頭底下。傷口的疼痛隔著膠帶和布料傳上來，成為黑暗裡唯一可觸及的、真實的存在。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlfzZs0adwX

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QZU8shuNI

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsHcdCqpDHp

他閉上眼睛。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5iXrmsGNd

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75AccN7ErT

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2b7fuUV2Zx

窗簾外面的光線緩慢移動，從早晨變成中午，從中午變成下午，從下午變成黃昏。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0nN2w19MG

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8d0MWwiZke

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrxTOKmW0L

他沒有再起來過。

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AAKLxobjx

6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKO9IBrktRu
6Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTwGtL7V0l

ns216.73.216.67da2

Reading Theme:

Font Size:

Line Spacing:

Paragraph Spacing:

Load the next issue automatically