What was Your Biggest Mistake, and What Did it Cost You? - The Weight of Overloving

My greatest mistake was not in cruelty.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqY22CvC3uo
It was not in closing doors too soon,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3rEjRtZNe
nor in raising walls too high.

My greatest mistake was in opening the gates too wide,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXirHtRYMgx
watering gardens that were never mine,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxtucSyrqN
offering warmth to hands too cold to hold me back.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Upf4xVfra
I mistook endurance for devotion,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDGFRXzWJg
and in doing so,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFi2gJo70M
I carved myself into a candle that burned bright for others338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2RO3gRarp4
yet left myself in ashes.

I loved with a hunger that asked for nothing,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33gTXSEFU8
and still they took until I was hollow.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEJrLxBe2l
I became a shoreline,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0wN6USdrW
steady, patient, eternal,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXvQwNXN2g4
while they were the tides—338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5hT3GAh8lQ
arriving only when they pleased,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHNMXMP7bd
leaving me drenched in absence.

Every message I sent338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpzX1X8Iev
was not just a string of words338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPBMTkI3p5
but a small boat pushed across an ocean,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyMHt8mgDk
carrying patience, tenderness, and hope.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFvAKH8cN9O
And yet most of those boats338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3oG3MOxOsN
returned to me broken,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9h4vNvN41
or never returned at all.

They were busy, I told myself.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VoXKlUkfS
Busy, tired, distracted.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF54XDUQJqJ
So I shrank myself into silence,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9nZj70GKSL
waiting like a lantern at the window,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyltelMtZHN
believing that love was about staying lit338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGC2Z8Uwmx
even when no one comes home.

But there is a loneliness338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfrsVOUby0L
in setting tables for guests338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjbCgB0APuA
who never arrive.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6y96kynaw
The plates gleam,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYf0IKAmuj
the food grows cold,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCfFFeg83fw
and you sit there smiling at empty chairs,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkK8X3C0CBT
pretending tomorrow will taste different.

Overloving is a slow kind of death.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPqJfwbiiB
It is offering your ribs as shelter338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPuJe5nhMrV
while your own heart shivers in the cold.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsfiwTXvqiV
It is standing in the rain with arms outstretched,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFAewFHJee
catching storms that were never meant for you.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmb2unfsUzP
It is confusing sacrifice with intimacy,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡww4z2z8y2B
patience with worth,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyq76HvDhmx
silence with peace.

And I was guilty of it all.

I told myself that if I just poured enough,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFrLvyvpiKe
they would finally thirst for me.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfB6xdcveW
If I shone long enough,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBdPef3OA2
they would finally see me.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTBYwVwl1n
If I waited long enough,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ083Da78Jwc
they would finally choose me.

But love is not a lesson you teach338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3Gb7Vt2lK
by bleeding.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJW10rYIe7g
Love is not a classroom where pain becomes homework338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWCTrqiLnH
and silence becomes passing grades.

The truth revealed itself like a mirror cracking:338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYaSg6mKN9k
I was not loving them.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xUHNbQxJF
I was abandoning me.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOEPN6swUdZ
I was writing them into the center of every story338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nOWPV1srR
while erasing my own name from the page.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtp7eyd0YI
I was loyal to the idea of them,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ31d5a7ks1R
not the reality of me.

And yet even mistakes carry gifts.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvB7xconCyA
In the rubble of overloving,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3At11JRJ4
I finally found my reflection.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfjOyVKuUb
I saw the tiredness etched under my eyes,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡup2kr26nbf
the ache of waiting written on my chest,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAq0l1uL8o
the hunger for tenderness338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZIgjDUeHDM
that I denied myself while feeding others.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCK6JxKNyzI
I saw a feast of love I had laid on the table,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6dkOGdjMK
untouched, unblessed,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwrwXMlMYg
and realized I was starving338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Pfj9QWjrZ
in a house full of abundance.

Now I carry this lesson not with bitterness338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEdycfXb0c
but with clarity.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8FZwtNWLf
I have learned that warmth must be shared,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnX5dkZFvYt
not siphoned.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrAObC4XTj
That presence must be chosen,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9PBu4nnTh
not begged for.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQ7tbecrfs
That love, if it is real,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO7lQqcLCWu
is never a one-way river,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjpAWl8vGI
but a tide that returns.

So yes, my greatest mistake was overloving.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8IBUZxjM1
But my quiet victory338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9JBZKJCMl
is that I have stopped.

I am learning to pour into myself338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZsjTxsnQ9x
the way I once poured into deserts.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgGovv0QAn
I am learning that the right people338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqRGiSaS6y
will never ask me to shrink338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSRSaYJDbI
to fit their emptiness.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdzU4Kvicdw
They will meet me in fullness,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrbMy42eAo
as equals, as mirrors, as fire to fire.

And maybe this is how healing begins.338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7MaXrWc75S
By forgiving myself for the overgrowth of love,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPL9mFQAGo
by embracing the softness that once betrayed me,338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQiSqnpcaH
and by promising338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WFS52Soyh
with all the weight of a vow338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONAitD808m
that I will never again confuse338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB1Ye27H0kh
being available with being valued.

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