我把炭和毛巾藏起來了 - 第十節

我夢到她穿著一件大得像蓋毯子的帽T，雙手插在口袋裡，鞋子踢著地板，像是下一秒就會跳上火車逃到遠方的那種人。她手上提著一杯早餐店的大冰奶，另一隻手舉起來對我打招呼。

她眯著眼對我說話，語氣像風一樣，有點飄、有點模糊，我聽不太清楚。可我在夢裡笑了，因為那才是我記得的她。

而當我真的見到她時，她穿著筆挺的白襯衫與深色裙裝，髮絲整齊得像沒參加過任何一場叛逆，舉手投足之間，像是辦公室裡的高階主管。

我愣了一下，反應慢了半拍。表情可能太詭異，練了半小時的微笑還是沒能撐過這一刻。

她挑了下眉：「失望了嗎？」

我還沒開口否認，她已經笑著自問自答起來。

「我也是學你的啊。允許自己每天有八個小時戴上被社會命名為『正常』的面具。再說……還是不一樣啦。」

她低下頭看著自己衣襬，聲音忽然輕了下來，像是在對某個記憶裡的自己說話：「我媽住院那年，我才知道，自由這東西得靠演技換。」

我沒接話，只是靜靜聽著她的語調一層一層變得柔軟。

接著她抬起頭，對我笑了一下，那笑裡有點無奈，也有點壞心眼的調皮。

「不過我還是有帽T的啦。你夢裡的我，一定是那種穿超級寬鬆帽T，下班隨時能跳上火車逃走的形象對吧？」

她瞄了我一眼，「原本想說先去換衣服的，沒想到你這麼早就到了。只好讓你看看我這張上班用的臉囉。」

她忽然板起臉，語調一轉，變成另一個人。

「咳咳，Amanda，今天的案子怎麼遲交了？Vicky，我要給客戶的證件印好了嗎？Marty，老婆生了吧？多陪陪她，今天你先下班。」

她模仿得太像，我甚至有一瞬間分不清楚那是不是她真的職場上的模樣。

她重新換回自己的表情，看著我笑：「怎麼樣？這樣的我。」

我看著她，眼前的人和夢裡的形象重疊了一瞬，又迅速地錯開。我張了張嘴，最後只是說：

「這樣的妳，還是一樣啊。戴著面具的妳，平常的妳，都是妳。」

我頓了一下，目光落在她的襯衫鈕扣上，聲音比我預期的還輕：

「而我……我已經分不清哪個才是真正正常的我了。」

她眼神有一絲微妙的變化，但什麼都沒說。

我卻忽然想起一句話。

『你不用表現得跟正常人一樣。』

那是她以前說的，或者說，是我記得的她說過的話。

學姐像是讀了我的腦袋一樣笑了出來：「沒錯，你不用表現得跟正常人一樣。」

我怔住，想著自己是不是不小心把表情寫在了臉上。

『我的學姐會通靈？！』

「別瞎猜了。」學姐瞪了我一眼「你知道我面具底下的不正常是什麼嗎？微笑憂鬱。聽起來就像是天生戴著面具的人吧？工作的時候要戴兩層，累死人了。」

她伸了個懶腰，語氣不輕不重，像在說某個已經不值得生氣的結果。

「我是因為那張判決書，才變這樣的。它像是某種詛咒。」

「判決書？詛咒？」我有點愣住。

「不像嗎？」她輕輕笑了一下，但那笑容一下子就消失了，「我突然被身心科醫生告知有微笑憂鬱。從那天起，我開始理解自己為什麼看得見別人笑容背後真正的情緒。那根本不是什麼體貼，而是一種被動的詛咒。情緒敏感，敏感到連假裝都變成一種本能。」

她說完後沉默了一下，然後忽然把手上的冰奶放到桌上，發出一聲輕微的聲響。

她沒再補充笑話，也沒有像平常那樣收尾的調皮語氣。只是靜靜地，坐在那裡。

然後我發現，這一刻，她連那層「我沒事」的微笑都沒有戴上。

連「微笑憂鬱」的笑，也沒有。

她只是看著桌面，手指輕輕摩擦著杯子的表面，沒說話。沒有職場主管的語氣，沒有姐姐般的自信，沒有笑臉盈盈地假裝體貼，只剩一種很真實的、被放下來的自己。

我從沒看過這樣的她。

就像一個長途跋涉後終於找到休息站的旅人，她終於不需要再裝了。我忽然有點想哭，但忍住了，只是咬了咬唇。

她抬起眼看我一眼，語氣輕得像風：「在你面前……我可以不笑，真的太難得了。」

她忽地笑了一下，但那不是應酬式的微笑，而是那種——「因為你懂，所以我不用再撐」的笑。

我點了點頭，也沒說話，只是和她一樣，坐在沉默裡，好像只有這樣才能對得起這種脆弱的坦白。

她輕聲補了一句：「這樣真的很舒服欸……你讓我連那層『我很好』的假笑都不想拿出來了。」

空氣靜了一會兒，像是一種不言語的相認。我回想起她當初突然主動和我搭話的那天，那時的我，其實是被壓到快喘不過氣的狀態。而她就那樣走過來，像是早就知道我不對勁一樣。

她忽然輕笑了一下：「你那時候應該有被我嚇到吧？是不是也覺得我很怪？」語氣一如往常地帶著點自嘲，可我知道，她不是在開玩笑。

「不過當時看你心理實在撐不住了，我才想，算了啦，就算被當怪人也沒差……被看見總比沒看見好。」

我沒馬上回答。只是靜靜地望著她，好像有什麼從胸口湧上來。我吸了一口氣，終於說：

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「學姐那時候跟我說話，我不覺得妳是怪物……我覺得妳是我的救贖。」

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