我忐忑地放下手機，抱著一種不確定又有點矛盾的感情，等待那封不知道會不會出現的回信。雖然只有短短幾秒，我卻像是在經歷一場心理大戲——既期待、又害怕收到什麼。
說真的，我已經練好至少三種劇本了：第一種是她不回，第二種是她回了但拒絕，第三種是她說「時間地點」。第三種我原本以為機率最低，畢竟這位學姐一向擅長讓人揣摩不定，結果——一分鐘後，手機螢幕亮了起來。
學姐：「時間，地點」
……就這樣？不「好久不見」，不「最近好嗎」，不「怎麼突然想起我了」，而是乾脆到像是快遞公司在問「請問收件地址」那樣平淡。
我在心裡嘟噥：學姐果然是仗著 Gmail 沒有已讀功能為所欲為啊。不對，就算有已讀提示，她大概也不會在意。她不是那種會被「已讀未回」焦慮綁住的人，而我恰好是。這樣一來一往，剛好形成一種微妙的平衡——我焦慮，她瀟灑。
雖然我們相處的時間其實不長，但我就是有一種直覺，她從來都不會被這些小事困擾。對我來說，一個簡單的對話氣泡都可能讓我糾結很久：回還是不回？怎麼回？會不會太冷？太熱？太尷尬？對方會不會以為我在生氣？我到底在幹嘛？
……但至少我不需要擔心她會生氣，這真的是我最安心的部分。
不過說真的，學姐直接甩出「時間，地點」這四個字，還是有點嚇到我。萬一我說「現在」，然後丟個「綠島」過去，她是不是也會直接訂票出發？或者更慘——我真的說了，她也回「到了，人呢？」……那我大概會立刻心律不整然後靈魂出竅。
所以，我還是乖乖打字回去：「明天下午一點，母校側門。」
然後……就沒回了。但我知道她看到了，就像以前修改過的小組報告，她不會說這段寫的很好，或是說這邊要改進，而是感覺，總是我在掙扎，她在沉默，但那沉默又不是拒絕，是一種默許，是一種她風格的陪伴。
我盯著螢幕好一會兒，忽然意識到：欸？那我明天要穿什麼？
不能太正式，又不是去應徵工作；但也不能太隨便，畢竟是見好久不見的學姐。萬一穿得像剛從便利商店出來買雞排的樣子，我會不會從「約好的對象」退化成「路人」？
好吧，這時候只能請出安全牌了：T-shirt 加牛仔褲，永遠不會錯。但……太安全了吧？這種搭配甚至無法引起任何記憶點，就像路邊的機車停車格，誰會特別留意它？不不不，別想了，就這套。總不能現在又跑去買衣服吧。
今天我整天都過得很煎熬。
不只是因為明天要去見學姐，更因為我這個人，只要明天要見「誰」，就會煎熬。
我會開始對著鏡子練習微笑的角度——嘴角抬高不能超過15度，否則會有假笑之嫌；眨眼的頻率要控制在一分鐘12次，太少像木頭，太多像眼睛有病；還有疑惑歪頭的角度也得自然，不能像脖子卡到。
……但我又突然想到，明天要見的是學姐。
我還需要這麼做嗎？畢竟她可是那個一眼看出我演技的人。
如果我們在拍《影后》這部劇，她一定就是那個會在排練場直接說出「你剛剛那個情緒不是真的」的胖姐。雖然我這樣形容她，她聽到一定會揍我，用那個經典又帶著溫柔的冷眼說「你才胖」，然後默默點杯全糖珍奶。不過不得不說她真的喝不胖。
但我覺得很真實。她就是那種能在我還在裝傻之前，就先拆穿我那層保護色的人。嗯，至少是我的伯樂吧，或者說，是我人生裡少數幾個「看見我而不皺眉頭」的大人之一。
所以才會害怕，也才會期待。
在這個什麼都能被修圖、調色、美化的時代裡，她總是看穿我，卻又不責怪我。這種被允許、不被要求完美的感覺，大概就是我那麼在意她的原因吧。
但我還是會緊張。
還是會想：「她會怎麼看現在我？」
「她還會覺得我是個有趣的人嗎？」
甚至在想：「她會不會根本不記得我？」——啊不行，想太多了，明天還沒到。
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先來練習吧，至少微笑不會讓我心臟爆炸。雖然在她眼中這個微笑很虛假。
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