the Was. of Jimmy McVonson - act one; division nine: Killing Myself

suicide, extreme shame

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my neck was sore when i woke up

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and i thought

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i felt brave enough to do it

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to get rid of myself

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you want a reason?

this is my reason:

there is no adult version of me

there is nothing after this

i don't know it

i don't care to know it

i take too much and i give too little

i'm a parasite

and the fact that nobody else is brave enough to say it

only makes it worse

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i didn’t want pops to see me kill myself

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gail wouldn’t have noticed if she did

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i decided to go far away

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i kept walking

until the area stopped feeling like my hometown

it felt like desert

but it wasn’t desert

it was just slightly more rural than i was used to

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there was a small cramped dairy

the bright colours made me feel like going inside

i’d like to look at all the pretty snacks

but i didn’t go

because it’s not a library

shops expect you to buy stuff

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it was cold

i was just in a t-shirt and jeans

not a plain t-shirt

never a plain t-shirt

but it wasn’t very warm

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it started spitting

not too wet

but very cold

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i said aloud to myself

“let’s get this over with”

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i pretended to myself

that it was a smaller deal

'nothing to worry too much about.'

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there was a brown-orange train track running through the grassy hills

not many people were around

because it was a sunday morning

and it wasn’t a stereotypically beautiful day

but there were still trains

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i could see one coming

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i went to stand on the train track

as the train was coming along

i was nervous

or excited

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to feel the force

i’d never felt before

that was strong enough to kill me

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or maybe it’s the train

cutting against the tracks that would do it

would that be possible?

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either way i was ready

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i wanted to be dead

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now

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but the train stopped

with a loud screech

and someone got out

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i wasn’t prepared to get yelled at

or to explain myself

or to say sorry

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i hadn’t considered that the people in the train might be affected too

and that made me feel worse than before

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so i ran

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i just fled the scene

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because there was nothing else i had energy for

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fuck.

i tried choking myself with a piece of flax

behind the flax bush where no one could see me

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it didn’t work

it was never going to work

it was a stupid idea

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and i was stupid

and crouched in a damp bush

with no heart to do anything else

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