然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAjhEzGpx2
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCNAJ4oUaV
/541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9iVXbPrmJ
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0FkroJP38
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0t5YXGzAcn
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzlhO9Y4ob
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4ruDJNw1Y
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOlNlrcQzJv
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO45AQOprvU
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLcQ7sEQJ5t
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtGj3gWDUd
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZqmldXQOU
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡca4oaKXQK8
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM1fDRnfUyt
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtyPTdBSHn
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvD80ShhFGO
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuF2USJr1F7
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsLTl2FD5U
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiC4W4HwLJQ
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLifClxdcGN
他心情不好便會打她。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYE1V7685ey
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01czZ9ih1u
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaCm1y3eaNc
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZVdNqTwmI
一下一下打下去。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYEOJtEG5Ki
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2bkSlXmR36
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TV2lNu8SE
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCQoNdPvId
「我無唔聽話呀！」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYqYzY0BhP1
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fpZ1AIZg5
「仲講大話！」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYN4mlGHEf
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzOTD5VFbJ
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscijXligKV
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07dKaBR2h9
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9PvgRUVTY
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOvuRgTKVI
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6yk66tX4hk
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIihiJycFu
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCVHAc87DRL
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQxpJNq2HC
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDJO7Vyhpy
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWgMKAmOJuL
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuchz9CATvn
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NAYSvHmiO
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDvWV8iC8r
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoJIMuaiiv
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnTX3VbQiP
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4sq22tYpXX
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYa200D8icm
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf3kef8IjWN
/541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJ7aZDHKa4
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgNwPV5HOX
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexdD5zmMYd
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaB79SBB1bi
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnP9wXAm8iF
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAeEx8cDYP
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiF1qYOlQ4
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6A90Iiq5m
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJRdfS19ej
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fl9tMTLtN
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3W9erFt2Vl
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Kq5uJdaYK
「熊仔去咗邊？」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBhp17Lcdt
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlgP3UcOLfl
「我抌咗。」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qOgslWt67
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1MIGfMo9rf
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLZlZtUTma
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNy1lsg0XX
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszGyScdq6p
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1leMH7Icn
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGOTp6BcHI
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvChfL4tOkp
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDZMhQAFr2c
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRLPgc7dV0
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy7AAI5uHiK
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrX1TxMhZS
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LPp0BUyqY
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPrje0Br6T
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfV3yE5gQe
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgv80M6AHv
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVgXJCfDWm
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Sd8KuNq8Z
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkl3KcZp7Y
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYc2eDXXu8q
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrE4SqfvLMw
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi4Bc1W83LZ
/541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqh2PWnRgC
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7izYdPaBlB
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1jEfAJJJx
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxA2eeAWWbX
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYyeuoowT9n
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5WinRSxId
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1gys6UwYt
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeligy4XGFy
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBkHpIZDYr
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaX1xR6kI9A
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhXLwjW3pI
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqo7L8fSOX
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcERHOtGGb
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgo237zwtBx
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WG3Km629E
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeRXBGIGA5
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUIDWB2mxy
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVVxazJZRz
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNC39OWvrmH
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4Ws0cod5c
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDgMOWFvM2O
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpobjMExHtk
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qdOwjZaNO
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3BozJpJy1
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoW44pD1kt
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvf7qQIJ61H
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0vqdbk54n
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNx3p01ovAB
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcWncprdYu
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWe6nGpLNue
直至父親又打家姐。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQht43Jv77
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGoXIbFBFH2
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXfSPuUDOA
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyqRWTgA4b
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTXsjAPLYc
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhEQylteMZ
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIsUI8LGO55
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYbbEDDYxp5
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9GsrWLmO4
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bT5TJwQK0
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5MuwVwAWZ
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzzvagx7MF
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxJibzzOl5
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFpew1m8Yf
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDaVZ9oNdD
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRiQZWS08F
「我無！」家姐搖頭。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUqjxEf3S9
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03WVi55EWd
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXY6ARDPHd
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaflyIMa2aE
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFI2BPIVSqO
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZvTzWTBEpo
「多謝阿爸。」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1zbaCr1ce
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNaiDaTksr
家姐推了林蓁落地。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhW9Qs7kxq
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPVUkVHFcQ
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIjYlE1gFC
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28wAkLagd3
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ZezvrgShT
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFEqGKyvT8W
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zeVZEtATk
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnzeeGBX4R
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPCoLjZ5do
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但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8ftodCmRg
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0YyRk4S2oe
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yAQoAp8gg
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWX0cShv55x
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541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyG8J3HoKE8
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLl8Nrf2ZGW
541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOvHi4lX4b
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。541Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVi9D63d1Jk
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