穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBKycamVMQ
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYMoALU4XP
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcIPscvyZW
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl61dukZvR2
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqrDVnyDoa
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3z9rXJIZpJ
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoTjLImISJw
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNiX5A2EaW1
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPh7ZoDY4BY
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIf7Ib8FE9M
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUpBfZcKxt
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEECsKdfurI
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKmBcW14Hs
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI5odF7XqB0
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ308ASRq9sM
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACWBOo5w5J
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLW7PJdiOv
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfIU4MnhIU
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyCUPXhZeH9
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGmRdHWiX1
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRQJDchDIE
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHrLvTlWAL
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVVpngiOMN8
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3BZEZgqTk
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDM6gCkyA8
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4UjR1A2A1
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kiTAIWgFW
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9vPDfAPIe
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KIRcAXjid
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0qSLbCJzm
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTXuS7FhqH
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZTmfmhvsV
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYANyWjrpsZ
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1gGX7TLwi
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCeR6yrHSX
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTQmZ7DZFki
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusaJcPMrOP
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCRfiJF57I
「鍾意你。」他說。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoVhLxkrzNk
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1Kiaiv4Ko
「我都係。」她應。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsykKyBMlRf
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBULA5xGRTq
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRcLi9tcps
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtu496phbl
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡry4hrcUKeM
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHqlcyY8zuN
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVma73SEd3
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIZui6IdIn
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMR2UE2DbG1
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkNdfUvPH3
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOl8qTsXohs
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwHJX0TsLN
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLG5Qicubl
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qBe6ekSuI
二人過後做愛、入睡。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡou38YRGLJ1
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQx5ib6rRHE
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47u3DtZGWU
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMqAhaS9za
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFosuBQGnYE
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6bhV4wNXSu
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAC7Z0ZmZj
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmEq8SMtta
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tQIsdZ664
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0T5YU4Ww7d
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCgKJMgrhj
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCmPj6i3Tc
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSTm8wca1a
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkP5qIMhTO
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91JztHey1r
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsSyfc4fAt
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2y7QqF4WY
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf4mm3FYiV8
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxw9aRpmbdL
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡti5IDG2cRO
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarnr9TEykV
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmI6tc5BnJT
她糊糊塗塗。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCetkC5Pdm
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡciBG61r4Z0
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14STQTn5CR
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBifC7tbG4
最怕空虛。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Y9sgF4N9G
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmDUgoRK50t
/446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrECoRnlZ01
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpw3J94YKjk
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqJ9WQcu6b
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndx1fxjEMB
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKholfmFNv
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOt66xSEJGu
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOeWsAtep5
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwFumwmey7
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIjtiMXB9Vg
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPRU0JNtmV
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQqdIl7QeH
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIq3lthLSeE
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6aNjfeOLDR
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4sDZTWhxs
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXQdirajRd
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNKYJ46P09
她不過在日常之中夢遊。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2G2Ob3lGcV
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaHCTcfTGRF
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcyN51KUZp
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaafSutdssL
「上年12月開始。」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfP6CQ9MZLg
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXRuW315jR4
「頻率係？」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLcUUrUpLz
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfpnSdNOcq
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpf6RmCnryy
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKp9LP5V2v
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfr9zaX5bFa
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG6kYFpjlWG
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIHnWBqjbG
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZTaYrONRo
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hUpmZiDeE
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErJVICgGBk
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJI3apLJtX
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXnFLXVSJp
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvug29w1JPw
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6TJ3SwIBF
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRuAaHeu8a
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEnT85Mf2f
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWgjpxwLclo
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAf8mZf9vll
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvDjs081S1
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9spbzSQ5A
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwK0yhWL0I2
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZ0Wt2k5zX
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcx8YXSFcYP
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kSDosdG96
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmLojYL4Z5
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldIpMqQBOx
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokYAORaE7H
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmNfZYLEk4
連傾訴都不真誠。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzv9t8Qn0xw
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3U5gEPip8
不開心又不去死。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgoeMnhHI74
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTThxmkVToQ
不去死又不改變。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwV5yxdcjFU
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2I5ueMDsYf
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRRTLjYBbYD
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9sxT4H9MCV
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMM4jy0aDU
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvgCEErkTw
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIWUdpqoyP
446Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLeL42ihHAY
然後按「加至主畫面」