穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqHNFiHoPl2
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhD32IIcISI
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8CBLFQGFgo
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfEhVcYv4r
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV734JO3CB1
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhB2nBUkLuJ
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNn6o2qfcqU
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfN7F2C6EwS
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsVsiaFKKyg
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrk4h0NgVZ
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNczXaIPBS
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmEvSZJTiI
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQCr2LZ646
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwlt5JnUJtE
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXRBMXfGEOf
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghgcOGVTrl
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85Ud9lmfiO
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjN3MfhAX1w
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jp57aXB60
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZ6BfzoU37
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGoOjADWKsB
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUOFHKo7ws
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vMOjfT5Tv
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡosIkNX265V
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhaGGEnIdbi
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAdeEcjrru
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDsS4r7Fd0
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyq9ffR6SXR
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0gWIB7d9C
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2mzpyMUrm
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbsTcuscD2
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkHvj6qtJs
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5wckeK4lP
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFuIph1TOjA
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCShmXbnSS
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYieZ0glSy
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxE9v2tMNS2
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1f3pc23enp
「鍾意你。」他說。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwOLSMQQEcl
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQxBUYQoGi
「我都係。」她應。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkQJYu0oOi
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4Zw753I0Q
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7TsH1Kkso
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIZHrZ5owZ
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGAXz0xnW3
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU0KnD7nC2T
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1xxpP6UMh
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjGZ9tBcVy
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRpKnUnC9cI
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumiWJQxHju
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMhzQgr2N5
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWVCBFn9ro
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmPoFKc7evG
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwCf8nzjjWD
二人過後做愛、入睡。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmB4udLvQbC
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJ9580xs4Y
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4BFhB6gW0u
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZl7rBQ7t3
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzDdGdRa4Qa
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUAFblskDM
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hdHkREdV1
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfI4lRoymlh
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFJXq2XLHC
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡharf2gnbF0
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6VM0B5S2F
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5TmBoNQri
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrITT8cVko
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwV06oekcyh
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsqGaDeuJJ
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpI0Uo3GMm4
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2bUL3lehUE
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrjeizDoIZ
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqTEPR1jPy
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNelfRcuV9
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdQHmqj1Kq
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrZgBdd3KN
她糊糊塗塗。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6UQBSeI5K
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnUMZ2ceVA
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgpkZmRDWJ
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHL9ybExiqL
最怕空虛。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxoQ2PKuKyg
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDRjF6RomNo
/639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBH3CEYsab
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTmbytfV4h
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnaFbfCuDG
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68PAEAGizx
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvNTtcMSAw
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwpMPcNMfv
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4CeP2FRLP
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV77iO03Xku
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8Y8FrDcv8
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrotWwIiCWn
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfUKDSnRiW
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwllgvhfSl
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVuzDMouRsC
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFlr9KiRcf
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBG0gD9xwo
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeKAmLbb6c
她不過在日常之中夢遊。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK204AI5dd4
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDtIBzM4cw
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEIgbxUwfi
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5UDZJnp3Q
「上年12月開始。」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKCYsDJ4I8
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2KInibZr1
「頻率係？」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLEvRTBdmS
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWAnvii1iq
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdzIlhUae5B
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhVujTIdElG
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDe2C2pa6NZ
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQK3SxKGHh
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGNzq6hPEv
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11K0FH2O2f
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFLW472X4S
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolQbWCmKid
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctrVe09WNq
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYxLpknK48
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xlamZhxU6
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeha3IIqN3z
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz90bk2P5DI
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggalTvO6Bk
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXR1SZ7GSTJ
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlftY4ePBEm
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmzchqA399
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXqVp66rHIh
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAQXRuQ8H5
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4A5NFxfaG
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhEtD2l64R
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJldVP8eAAJ
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZxGO2gFBY
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX08TjAnmc0
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7chSWKcsh5
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxcSmUYHZy
連傾訴都不真誠。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbece67fCa
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeympzJCfVN
不開心又不去死。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMwAD9C0S1
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtYrK4CNOe
不去死又不改變。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjr02nFMbVe
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wCnC4wcoP
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Hldhio6YG
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCnnRWcZrLT
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1c6nr32uHl
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcfb2UJc8R
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFrcEaE5tr9
639Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaW0TsLmPNo
and then Add to home screen.