穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf8YpBoeYuZ
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZcSHNZEGI
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU15901nhP9
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjxF99fEd3
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3d2voYaIr
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfc0EkxRsC2
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EJgGyJ84Y
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzKvWr5N6Y
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Rs4Y3jw7u
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAWOts0Nyc
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8B9JAH44AE
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XJDcfvGQk
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5PehXtAlb
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5qvxel31p
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZPsC6wULI
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf4ifaGlb3B
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nUKfG0NHF
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqkjAO0KRWi
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVW9l8HBqKf
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDb2vwGsvyc
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ37F64AAjP2
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGoe9GxqRa8
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UzOEhtw59
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYIUJLq14Jq
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTUgYKy6A8
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHNHSMGGmI
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSjwWM1hFY
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4TFtlYTuF
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnMKld9vDlo
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjukB5sB34w
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9wnX1Aaas
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEfFrtPHPW
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ejlxovwtk
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaHpEEz4zjG
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5bO873wQG
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iL8YLjU87
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrbcNbS69mG
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTxA4WYTym
「鍾意你。」他說。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn12SCxTjyJ
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnExfsffYDb
「我都係。」她應。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1TD3zQv9vH
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2FzTqGP23a
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccSUKH8NCu
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRLvqaofgmq
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzT6NeQNFz
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xHdxlHhm2
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRIrwxJ2NZ
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc6j9qHf4lX
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEFw3Cxsam
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDQuxI7K4X
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHs3o1zgCO
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzA9bdgiyt
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHsgxFtuxO
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmbm3xQjKiF
二人過後做愛、入睡。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrb1z9SJAz
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRbUMwEqSC
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡft3ePjKvyz
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJlX9EM5H6
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhUfycMdGH
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4PT9SMXGyO
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkxcMyEfx0
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJCIZCn1XB
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFp7szx1vL
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxELDTUo4Q
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdV3kokTQCv
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDfYGhSOAY
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38NUjkeMr4
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6yvTOm6KfZ
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0oenpDewx
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeenJkr1vUq
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYj40abfxq
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTuWdGb0IZ
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVxMPC6JL6T
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lwPQbyDg0
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLidzg6Kzw
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKSjM0ZR1Q
她糊糊塗塗。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAq8hpBe3Ze
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolQS4eobP5
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBekI0UyNW
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvYe0OOss8
最怕空虛。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoCDhIXhzyq
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpa0CcV0Om
/437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfNKsLRO0yR
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxHo4S7K4A
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQ0DYPPApI
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnLcM0sqqL
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoP8t9TdMo
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡak5MFqxQNv
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wWEN4CuC2
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQHz6qYmAu
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKHRGxTOFS
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLT1PYi2MAH
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0mZ3XDCLF
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2genXVlhX
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZRslP2TEh
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvBEoQI1PT
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWoTxeD1qo
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqf1lAFbpvJ
她不過在日常之中夢遊。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpyQrxZ1XcL
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6kREsf5aS
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxG26nbo1mB
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡABges7oOJS
「上年12月開始。」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBL1y0LnEe1
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoc0pwrbmMv
「頻率係？」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaTQJqKiiu
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzD9TuE7m9
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRJnmyxY2c
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfHuC8rctp
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrc5Zjixcy
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ62bkyBVz7Q
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Jy0whcBep
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHvsGCyxFG
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKD8JYoFet
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7kNvVkB4a
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGENE9zTCvN
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mQlvXQeed
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOWFMFf7Kl
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqDgYSvFWI
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIceZ80FC1k
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kkeSPQdJJ
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGd2Y4c0Yu5
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpS3M7p23Yg
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUXs9dmNwS
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrZBJQ7XHA
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVthssNI4S
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyd5Zcng6RM
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRceTj6PWt1
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVky1Fw46s
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGRLDMIeJS
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFU8KdETpJ
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbieHJQiju
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeOJao2Al5U
連傾訴都不真誠。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXRJrHKTibG
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxQPZcafRAR
不開心又不去死。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xjP4smiMG
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ36KqN8G4YR
不去死又不改變。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWoCSddPUqV
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXaiptV9Kuf
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz51TztHqjZ
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpmfRE5Prb
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNR8BTakgVk
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMdxW8gO9Z
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xPoIaPPFq
437Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjdXzZF8Ykp
然後按「加至主畫面」