穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2Hz0y78yt
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfLtBL0lB5
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjUqy1F5nu
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnA6N8yhcUq
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHrelK59VX
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9piUctbLlP
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8Mu8wS67M
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyiTr0Vmqf
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPm8MDnbPEN
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiorwAYIkFK
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQoVlyU76l
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOJTEb5CwQ
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡct8WDuflkX
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPB5jHcSd14
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xDvXBYJ80
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJjFmTYXEg
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWYzMA5jOuJ
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNpfIcCc67
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqxIiHMEPK
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCf19Lvy0lG
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzL61bbwJp
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5ybASWkj8
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8CqkMJhyp
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43n1rM8f5I
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetlmYx6l15
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE13cY61RTd
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHdiwiccCx
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9OhQR2K2TB
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWeynTFfYRG
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUL10Dt5xe5
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWnwd7eBZQ
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlQDr9fOaGF
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53u0aPX2aJ
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlukF9WudRD
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWgIcb7fEOH
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA53CcBIpov
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXr0Ic7DAJC
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrjKmZphQB
「鍾意你。」他說。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3a0FLVi3Nc
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9UuViN6xy
「我都係。」她應。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3KIyuPSZ6u
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrBnQmOR1B
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUEWVWmoVg
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEDte6LBKnT
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjh03L2AMaU
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXJ541aBHl
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3TPXgfaJIv
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8esTb4BUIl
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MSs8EF4c5
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZr0NINowVT
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnTHiix8kA
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWEin3KYRS
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBY36G4Pite
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60VE1sgvxL
二人過後做愛、入睡。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFnOgoy1He
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQL7TaFDWlS
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZME6WJeTi
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUReqMerwSw
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtP3vmfHjiM
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiqoOtzpftC
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12SUgqTQeA
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaceNQjeFO1
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUKcca7Smg
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiXgn0qi4Y
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wipqiJw9S
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAUnyxpLaJm
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVMsmgErmH
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZl2ZOmDNV
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPJtUNwbHY
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmR67o1GIGc
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJFQq9mVifI
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTawJSmkR4
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHh8ycJ1Ptd
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWlfyCDa0J
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLaTLNA6ACW
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlVFLLIB8P
她糊糊塗塗。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Uk8dGQiza
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbxH55DTrIY
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFm28DA62S
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1htH3lwJG
最怕空虛。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNRNetkvM4
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZFUMTPLs4
/447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCDbPL2hLne
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsnrkQGpSsO
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdoq2Lq6bs
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhwH5HA6A4
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUvHQoMtLW
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQXRcbbu6H
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59i7Yd4BQt
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWMIl2jha9
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHiwobsq1t
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOe7ht0gmlt
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZp8WdhPY7
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWzUF2Me5Y
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPGBObNhVn
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKxLwaDP7J
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVkNCq2AsI
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMNmZVz5w0
她不過在日常之中夢遊。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqbtwteOFq
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUBeMuDxQW
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrRDQbfjg0Z
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsmuG5rx5Qr
「上年12月開始。」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkvrTKWEYN
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8s4HNmxPXM
「頻率係？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8KbvHBhi3
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmbbAt9qxg0
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GAV6ZNYoo
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMn66sQTvfH
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6U9nLnz6b
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2DaGG4Yue
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPlGwF3DVOK
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1TEeAfB9H
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3SJhnvrMG
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2xAysGEkj
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnMWb71Wt06
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpM4BHZo98t
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9HU9fuh3T
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrhD5rR15G
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0BSH20hnP6
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2K5ZKHsX1
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvO7Biofzzs
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzGMMsEsj6
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSsIFJXvns
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ36aUObbtXj
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvl4uvEATsZ
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnwlyN6J6H
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xV6NIQPFy
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Mw7pAg4V7
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnCzqiY78Q
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoBnS2SEGn
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJAc7qLpeaB
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3XD8OuEBL
連傾訴都不真誠。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwoUYNbzF0Z
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LbXZjUXSl
不開心又不去死。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiPDY9R3FM
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQnFmu9QaO
不去死又不改變。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDM5bUFemT
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UVC1Xsh7d
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyGHS5vY7y
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhVfhrNchd
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6dxNRhttQV
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGLBOSTUdbv
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBjkSU1Z8b
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1T77UPxlkz
然後按「加至主畫面」