穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqrJDs5trB
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy950cXDx3m
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXrUTcK0ee
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKU8PjhDQBf
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBi7Lys1md0
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjhOjBIMrs
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7ivundFMP
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk41xeL9mVl
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUPgPWNDGw
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHUoqTKN7j
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5HhHpGmg0
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsh2Ymyy4Sn
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtOWzIXS4V
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXe2pvBhF2
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FvvuT5jw6
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5AiQFl2hw
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcesQ14hMC
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfNsdhsqbg1
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcTQ25zQ3B
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDyacy3P8gN
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡosOJumcLeI
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoTDm9xX4jd
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUQLtPOkbs
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1qFv8mrVtw
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZil9ucaWfQ
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1rJMB1Mb9
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjjPmLfFan
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHUBywjYT1
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggiKumYZvQ
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3BB3Y92zn
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmxBW8LJTh
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TYY7gRocW
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJAn0YHjK6
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwmp8M5MZi
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWiDLNvyKVr
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsr827jbn1
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FyLk3HRTK
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYavv2AtBt
「鍾意你。」他說。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQzI4qzrkbf
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUsh7Y7yL5N
「我都係。」她應。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTv9wbycUpl
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzYGnE6MeI
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMdt2mGoRN
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6QIKVqKf4S
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKq8hluyoE
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEi23LPUOOS
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsvcpi3VIF
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡouOPcdB3gX
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLksstxtobG
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3iCwA8i4T
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyk6sEvQone
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2lB0nIl9Ka
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡElZIgWqg82
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYL6tAeT7r1
二人過後做愛、入睡。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBzE660E91
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjz30cfkQ5
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRxkZ7RurO
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWwLtecx4t
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNoBC4oDuEV
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGqvVX50A7
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rRg83soSt
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUV8t8rGcv
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGs1f0EFzZk
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4J6WXKwGwo
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JwrAoJEpb
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkOf82fmsi3
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnbKL5BkRF
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHMIBLwjdl
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmi6xNFAGd
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZ6VBsYn5c
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozHeQjNW0M
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38IjUcWciW
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzNzV9UAJs
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxmzxZoHNl
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoOyx5TUgfl
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4oOoTGfPjk
她糊糊塗塗。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jFlwNcch7
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWm8lZVBBC
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmz1ArPePa
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3CVUXB4qR
最怕空虛。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZPlMMJSzt
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTd27r27MH
/338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdEy5DyP6j
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVxjbfk447v
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKeELw8beD
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpQs2TMi6J
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhwxQmfQIB1
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4eYyCnhoJj
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY4riRQKPlD
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHwseJRJ6o
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbz961UiTrp
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQN4TjvFWu
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjbqk3fn68
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLs6MXYpFs
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidjgCeCgY0
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84QL4X9JWq
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbvdX5XC7l
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN60qvdgoDM
她不過在日常之中夢遊。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf4qHqVsXpr
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXNW0gIziO
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChigq63xsq
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhLdgp2t2IA
「上年12月開始。」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbc7jmXlTj
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBiJkGU0wMa
「頻率係？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3F8JsUBKk6
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdKk9rswTu
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOjzRepGWK
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzgAqRPOlQ
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm92KcyY4Bh
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXi647htKPN
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOc9PjDnp57
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXXMC7GYBW
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvrTrjkXkJ
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01zxYc8IbI
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEM0UEhh3FD
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcny5DiatJ
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7TfizFnus
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQRcsy5tjH
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9gHU55Gfdi
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRrU2IErkU
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTITZ3mEj4B
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOO31zsppD
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd79wcrpmSf
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0TZpGCstv
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZuGwNyXJc
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETRlDFwXc4
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPUSEHSvEG2
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1QBOWoYJn
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡul2x7o6p2X
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡph96iq1PMA
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEZMNBz2z3
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1rIGISyP7t
連傾訴都不真誠。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKErffhiAg5
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZo1j5Lt4z
不開心又不去死。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMbHlBVlCl
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjeqejuErG
不去死又不改變。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxkDfcRxCQ
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7jRWZ2WYK
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTJ02tab8b
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLEXAQ7cknV
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUd082Csld
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyT2uZGq0Of
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJOMtuC6Gs
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vPwIeLexo
然後按「加至主畫面」