穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw11vNtERqj
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcq0jD0jbdy
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTtwBUE337
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbiG1xine1k
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBGOZl8HPmW
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41OMNGcd2t
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0qVXEBzwO
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7ZDsR6HLu
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQooylMx2Tx
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUlKS0l2au
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrXCNgLpUQ
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxchsenwrhd
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfelwVMxSyC
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQshSFkPr5
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHUfjoSujB
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUQrw5QXDG
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1W0NXgSna
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ87CFxBbpF
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwM8GzdDCPQ
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zJ8SPmK22
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9iGX05dLX
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rmGO9zk9M
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsg57yOywR
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mRp7wnLJZ
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLfWC0T1v1
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSeeVh5zObO
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPDhhNl2Fva
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡogoAmtxe1o
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDjEOLNneN
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbXo1LzZr7K
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtthzgDIrE
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVXDblsSpgO
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmR1CmPgqLu
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlTnQ3u3s6
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyqoCHjh08
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5DvXBMziS
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8S3PrfNrU
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy59ctLjAsr
「鍾意你。」他說。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBwUQqOJNU
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTMilwVlv5
「我都係。」她應。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh21FcDgL6q
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxEzV4wptIa
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwzADxm8Sa
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnnmsBB6zY
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVD6meGMvUW
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtcNvsMbdXW
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wM00UjJEF
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAaoegPuFV
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6kgOxM7k08
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXRRaWSuqx
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39aYWt5Omz
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIueH9rBHE
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4YbpohMnFf
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6nTbCsCxqA
二人過後做愛、入睡。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQN0RJ2WU8D
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡff5zUietyV
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuChDuLwNjK
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEmUSK8kGZ
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjVZbOPeLl
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡspxrblItOh
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbxSkHpV0z
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6e74QmpGe
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXyC0h8OQO
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPz9tVWRpc8
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRU18be9UNA
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJEHRz9wBD
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIL3FLf5xN
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2R4AD0ECgx
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipka3b6LlL
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXbpAl1BlR
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpzjv6Ca3L
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiLivljFaOr
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdw0o2gLXd
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyfTULCtnKg
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr6A6WJX4Sy
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPowoV9hwh
她糊糊塗塗。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlQ9lT4Kx7
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdxMDSqTVaL
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6q2M4BjNso
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6pRBJR2kc
最怕空虛。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCkn5JoWcpQ
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9g949u7K0
/447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLzVAoMN7ep
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBmZLvJoQf
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7oE6Zxt4No
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74KqNSiQ6t
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTz00eLeH8N
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvd0ZQPPvrS
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4C3XjUyA4q
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6VsGxbLz4
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUj5maQVlt
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlynqAF3in
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZN72lHarOr
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBkhYRSKfx
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjq8zte0eE
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZDz8I7LQsh
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6sbgN2IhBM
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡua2jNkviHR
她不過在日常之中夢遊。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Har8QgZ77
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYb2bJpboQU
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dOeSgOsNg
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4YArwj1sNu
「上年12月開始。」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4HpV8ymSV
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FvD9y05cs
「頻率係？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Y7Nak3AhB
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYJnyDYqvm
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tIvnV0rpc
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgQYcL2fb7f
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKj4K6wnPnh
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2zQHFwanY
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6riuMHxy6l
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4RhJp8PXrJ
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2qjIyuEbN
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLR2b5kz7oQ
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnw3KRpgbR
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibMEayE6d4
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22HKm6DOR9
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0VldTrEtFc
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdq2hBmG4ec
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJxvCYYZBi
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcny5ZkAUW
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOpX5BmocI
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXV0sNRcOdN
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVyBAnnv1L
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuyRG1t2nO
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicjTccCj78
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7M4AU0gMxu
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3v1Wnbmi76
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFYDrIwZzI
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4VhjcLYRp
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfrNMqbVQT8
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ63Fb8ckkuU
連傾訴都不真誠。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9avW4Fvbcs
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTh7DMFfvY
不開心又不去死。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHkCHl2yxW
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Zn7bh3vm9
不去死又不改變。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13JCd3mYLY
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyComZPDNz
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKH3beDl3D
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwS2Q9ExNo
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5659mWJlcv
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7BKC8S4px1
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4cRUFObka
447Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl73iUTIJ5d
然後按「加至主畫面」