穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3yz9O69rn
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDG7XhIyVRi
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwiDWO4ZBG
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQAJrCr4EO
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVArvXzwvrt
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI84QwAPlBM
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HsEBm9PfX
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfNKHkjJgK
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfkJUflpS9I
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0v6lfMVFO
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFuuPlsbWEQ
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7hkdBDTdi7
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkm7JZV0EX
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQdS1CQFPR
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxQHEyRPwf7
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHALRkExE0T
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4eY1oeRv23
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0sNGbUkA2
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZOon9YWjq
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBy21Zc5RwB
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhN9ldTyLKd
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIOm5dlHlB
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX34XXGflCY
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwzDxeiqS5
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVd0AXdns8
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nSEXyI2OO
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgrJPnEH4l
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbX4nu3TXzv
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdbCndyFZj
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUo2hGby6CL
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOOd7RFsx7
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSFGoYbZR4
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnwu9jKOCbk
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsbAe2pniE
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL7VpNVIH5R
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdI24H3j13r
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jPfBESsSA
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpzOgQ3n84
「鍾意你。」他說。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcW1Aj8zzsq
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ72dOey0zaM
「我都係。」她應。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mlUbRmp1J
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglLnqF6FD5
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24gSlxwd6h
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhwpmuLsxc
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWiDHyAOJK
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7SDllvZJi
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwCelNklFBq
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvRWR1Fjngg
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8QZt5ZBQx
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrcH8T0eoS
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlgTevTEf2L
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxI6akFpvE
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5T8y7yKvC
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroRqBEjIXm
二人過後做愛、入睡。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoNyhm9PMIH
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0RlcfLyuGu
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfSF7ySLTF
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53kyeGACvE
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMSa9Rp4EP
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4RYo6rCips
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOmMxpx7qp2
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9DvZGHZPR
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iRsOZTq6h
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBEzi4bqmm
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxrRAepHxF
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZnzQclhfW
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYa2HB2jhxM
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEf7etRHZQ
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdR3Nit6bU
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYSAsQlckr
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbLaGbaOdG
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJSuxASImL
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUaeFG33Ai1
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡObRKXhUgKQ
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6XB91egUv
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡceHtS5XOIp
她糊糊塗塗。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjlpwJSwdQ
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PoGgdz2rU
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9ybPlF2h5
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4VCCIgSdK
最怕空虛。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4z8jZ6ErZp
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMjC85MW6c
/445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hcBcdyGbz
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1tp0fsmHt
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj70SQ5Dir2
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79mmsMOUHv
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPesmRhEmV
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH675XzaJJQ
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGiY7i2juQk
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInIPnD8WLb
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9cLlw8Alix
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQq0L9iagxv
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ57yuAnhjZ
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyF2kQUairB
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZ3I5BeTlH
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uySDMNf5z
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkOtbeQpcd
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBNAOpwJLB
她不過在日常之中夢遊。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyxLm8mT4Q
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3PkEKDuJ8
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFp4ZExeFJa
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxB9WiPl19
「上年12月開始。」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNJHof7t1x
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxkOD3cyqU
「頻率係？」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLEBR2KKe0I
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCJ8t35ezZ
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxXRlqJKnm
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVad4I9yMeo
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5C72SWKAR5
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlckWUYqT9g
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGvvyPObjw
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf7pvNyayC5
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUkRs6iTb3
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXhaJvLAtY
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnc9CnfGZKQ
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqqo2mcA38
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBdvwiXSrY
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0pyr2HNpU
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1wCgzP28K
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPvRmYYVrp
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyrEaRCQUR
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMfgjwh2fU
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QFwkRR6cw
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUlflqzKxzO
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGlFyxKynV
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLG32grU1Rq
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dh3KYPBY0
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hWLM1MPlF
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiM3joavsQA
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1AQ8AR6hQ
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Mycpk0j4H
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWT68WHrMkX
連傾訴都不真誠。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDsEl06nzeB
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5jeMXuvXH8
不開心又不去死。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DnVe2OiQN
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgPblNMDSr
不去死又不改變。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bzNXtAjYk
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3MTGEwl0D
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJYoXOnYdN
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1V9lWVfyZ
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4FrAFYIAF
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡawKEedNUri
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJIjNYuqeN
445Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7swN1ZTa4B
然後按「加至主畫面」