零、楔子514Please respect copyright.PENANAjWhfq8vs6T
514Please respect copyright.PENANAMIHNpQcd5b
在林蓁回憶自己為什麼依然活著時,她忽然記起自己怎樣「死」。514Please respect copyright.PENANAhfZksg296R
514Please respect copyright.PENANAMcKfTvoFlH
只是有天,她覺得活著沒有意義。活著是前進,因此只會有更多的問題,今天的禍患還未跨越,便倒數明天。「新的一天」只是時間概念,縱觀人生卻沒有新舊,明天的到來,多數連同以往未解決的事。她想,好像活下去,也無法開心,未見希望,那麼不如算了吧。514Please respect copyright.PENANA0qYinSSh0K
514Please respect copyright.PENANAkWrM9n1Oxe
不如算了吧——這句說話,在不同語境之下,常常回蕩她腦海,像要逼人溺死其中才甘心罷休。514Please respect copyright.PENANAS5Et2yWL3E
514Please respect copyright.PENANAZAcfVvxNcw
林蓁吃安眠藥。514Please respect copyright.PENANA95rfZiCJj1
514Please respect copyright.PENANArnPDdhrDrg
在倒出半樽安眠藥時,她想,自殺的人,為什麼要自殺呢?514Please respect copyright.PENANA56O5PR0sLE
514Please respect copyright.PENANAlhASy18iIk
在倒出整樽安眠藥時,她想,不自殺的人,為什麼不自殺呢?514Please respect copyright.PENANA95MYLwZTOj
514Please respect copyright.PENANAGQ172vgGV4
說來可笑,她的自殺勇氣,如果化成有形實體,大概就是一樽安眠藥的份量。她想再倒另一樽,又想:算啦。514Please respect copyright.PENANASFprpFibgh
514Please respect copyright.PENANA2EWIN24C9h
(雖然網上很多人笑食安眠藥不會死人,然而藥物過量本有危險性,而昏迷時嘔吐更有機會導致窒息。)514Please respect copyright.PENANAOyDvjD3skb
514Please respect copyright.PENANAa8ubAfcxBy
生存的意義,當然各有各不同,可是,真正令她詫異的是,每個人對世界的感知差距之遠,同一個環境下,有人「好撚鍾意」,有人「屌你老母」。這種不同令她痛苦,比起這些那些事——當她想敍述一件事的時候,其實也無法坦然,總感覺大家感覺到的並非同類,如是,又有什麼敍述的必要?真人真事,尋常、微小,不能當寶典不能當秘笈。514Please respect copyright.PENANAPbPp78WTIv
514Please respect copyright.PENANASKtcw4qdkI
人與人之間無法互相理解,同一件客觀事件,也會分裂。514Please respect copyright.PENANAfxpELu2MX5
514Please respect copyright.PENANANR1ytyLRX8
吞下一樽安眠藥後,她躺下來。514Please respect copyright.PENANAk4J1lLYrbd
514Please respect copyright.PENANA7G2oVgUouz
看見神、牛頭馬面、彊屍,最後什麼也無,只得聲音:「你叫咩名?做乜要死?」514Please respect copyright.PENANAnX86E8klOC
514Please respect copyright.PENANACLCCT7Nb0u
「我叫林蓁,都唔係想死,只係唔想再生存。」她答。514Please respect copyright.PENANAAKF60nMOEj
514Please respect copyright.PENANAsAipUOTCbD
「你先廿一,陽壽未盡,咪阻住啦。」514Please respect copyright.PENANAULj9rFLCdP
514Please respect copyright.PENANA7Jpb5zKcuc
「連陰間都唔容納我?!」514Please respect copyright.PENANA1UbCEHz3YY
514Please respect copyright.PENANAQvEEPg2gqg
翌日早上十一時,林蓁起來了,只是,比平常更累一點,但一過了初醒,又很精神。514Please respect copyright.PENANAeDIRWYLqXV
514Please respect copyright.PENANAeWWGArZHWo
她的自殺「失敗」了。514Please respect copyright.PENANA5heDicWScZ
514Please respect copyright.PENANAJtLmDkSNIy
只是像平時一樣入睡,起床,迷迷糊糊,還因為平常都睡不好,現在反而得到了更多的休息。514Please respect copyright.PENANAAI3FpP6Onw
514Please respect copyright.PENANAx7PU01gwk1
她卻沒有那種「啊?點解死唔去」的愕然。如果選擇必死無疑的自殺方法,才可以有安定的保證,譬如從三十一樓跳下去,或者以牢緊的繩子吊頸,不懂游泳便走入人煙稀少的海。這些那麼方法,她卻選擇了吞服安眠藥,只一樽。決心不強,但可以——死不死在這裡,變成一種賭注,可以「成功」,可以「失敗」。514Please respect copyright.PENANAJKb5LEsDko
514Please respect copyright.PENANAqB5itDUH3j
她是這樣不珍視生命。而且,這才發現,原來一直以來吃的安眠藥,效力不是很強,難怪她服來無大效。514Please respect copyright.PENANA8HmiZBQkcy
514Please respect copyright.PENANAQot6RPmiq4
甚至,她沒有遺下一封放在當眼處的遺書。如果真的死去,會不會有人以為她純粹嚴重失眠,因此不慎吞下過多的安眠藥呢?當她執拾上課要用的Ipad時,心想。514Please respect copyright.PENANAM5dGiMY035
514Please respect copyright.PENANAXh1fORbzNs
遲點再交代,為什麼這天她「突然」想死。514Please respect copyright.PENANAERKHBqzkTm
514Please respect copyright.PENANAySwBJGDEGr
許是覺得丢臉,她沒有和任何人說。514Please respect copyright.PENANAB4vjQFWnWL
514Please respect copyright.PENANAtCHCy0y0JY
只是,自從這件事後,林蓁發現自己既然沒有很強的意欲死去,那麼,就要好好活下去。她本來就是貪生怕死的一個人,她捫心自問。如果貪婪,那麼,就要有創造,不然越活越辛苦,又會想死,死不去,又更痛苦,何必受罪。514Please respect copyright.PENANAjxjWV5wV91
514Please respect copyright.PENANAgMMKY1tzbJ
她沒有什麼悲壯傳奇,不是遭遇大災難,只是經歷了一些事,然後病了。514Please respect copyright.PENANAoYFBJbCUZp