下班回家，淋浴。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt22KzvbxIU
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjXJBv0O1B
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBU1zad3ZH
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡol0wIYxHxr
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqraccKI3cP
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiy9WEllA2Q
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB37GOvDGZc
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFFvigc3WW7
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ISnvo0PuH
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOi2ujzTr0y
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgsf5XCptLJ
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgadXrVRRTI
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYYjqRJYwV
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7fl9GsUHY
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTki4drWjY
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFGwu9DYsKB
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡopGLmGrxbT
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ09EbnzunMr
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡro7ICJyxFD
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPsOhfJCfMq
啪——啪——424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEPQRbS0u21
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQZQsEg3uZ
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KU4gRX0bP
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8egS3ePMzg
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdOr4vtl9W
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZz7nYyvGof
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1oSu0ESuXa
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrki80AHALD
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9u9CVu48S
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCcZTw5R59
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjhtegNN5N
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKlVtYNnMe
算了吧。沒所謂。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQC7GYrDRy
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmDmvlKEyK
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRM2Qx1AtPE
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LhhdN2tOV
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPDctuDZnX
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5S6vPsxDz4
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxXNJRPetj
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwcrAoSuT4
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaCtV16g7Tt
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHr3c187rE
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJalPM4XxfA
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIb94H19kbi
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKFSzXpdkb
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMunyRUHQt
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6CY58Dv6Wn
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHs056teMk
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOY13iUzWy
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhj54zuQcL2
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAinB68fzP2
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOEmHOkb9uQ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKT7Q61W9w3
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJiuS8pWIbQ
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsO1G10esPd
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkQ8IOaoJv
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdswnWww99T
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVTn1pOaF8U
我頭也不回開門離家。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GpGS5G8pQ
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNy0YKgOrf
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡik64lYutut
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthHsLgyfN6
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrxz6PkG56
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBxy4oEG0A
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97KB4osnxI
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9cnC2KK30
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphBzeFiQGF
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0kytyuZo5
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCeLYcsq7l
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOoVmwlsU4
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4S0xHzxFQn
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOx6Um8VM4M
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpx1Q2gtM8
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1eUp6iRCP
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kyjtjDEJ7
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdc1VDTyjzn
「你不開心？」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSEU0SYNBx
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bnXMpniwk
「是的。但與你無關。」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQSQGNFtAhj
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoTc4JnnBU5
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzo8r9FXVd6
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDMvTbhkkR
「還有菸嗎？」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpiJIWv40r
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVRoRyKlux
「有。」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzsH0q6RFW
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaKLr4P4Mb5
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0MX1hPvIaz
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFy46yB6ckm
「俊仔還好嗎？」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPcRIL1FOs
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN1ghvtw4BS
「與你無關。」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0K7zNU2Bxf
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf40E7eUEVM
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBQuiRPhAe
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidJug0rHz1
我幽幽一笑。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeDNkg2toby
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIdQd8pOOr
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gxSFH26iV
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFdJF6ULMfH
「多少？我付！」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEUjwWz76v
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIMmZtgJ2A
「五萬七千五百元。」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbmpRGtKfsO
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlsRDGgccVd
「好！沒問題！小意思！」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aocqkMnWl
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuQKhVLLQ1
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhb9enmmYHY
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NzMFpGYfN
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmEw14cOCOa
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR6nFlVq3KK
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdztrn6U5Kt
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFp9HJurKY
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJcKrKEiac
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb86uHM58bc
「阿顧，對不起。」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCbejYMPJJ
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdh024DRsO
「道歉有屁用！」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVXebgL2azA
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8vcolx1J5
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9ZDrdLC7H
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7QMXW8p4n
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbEjlUvZ9H
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVOPhUA5gYI
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ51ce3n60kl
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vSI9IBA3P
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYv0jE28MLA
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0iavZCYlA
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGCKoufQSfZ
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHg24cbxa5H
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qgJHCvudb
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBealmocpZ
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIpsjNzvnE
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqQ9WF72E3
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHmuFpWs9S
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnbQCdTmVx
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUjAWY1uDP
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jHJAumxn2
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWofbeNPFxP
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLj8Kal04oF
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1ne1VJ2Ot
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTT1c6Jfb0N
我活該……我活該……我活該……424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtT6qsmRn9
424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK22qAJy3h8
我如此催眠自己。424Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pjXZagQD7
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.144.17.112da2
然後按「加至主畫面」