《A》 - 6 | Penana

我明明遙望到八卦嘅保安，唔知佢今晚係咪看我嗰棟，佢咁樣問將我嘅應該繼續行前嘅腳步停低。

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我認真思考，唔知應該點樣拒絕。

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「本人只接受朋友關係，時間同心力唔足以應付情人嘅關係需求。」

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拒絕到嘅原因，我見到身邊有車經過，揸車嘅人同我對望，仲有佢…

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我既然拒絕得一個，都要公平地拒絕埋第二個。

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「我唔介意你當我係Part time...」

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至幣有手尾呢，唔係收咗錢就可以講再見，縱使再缺都唔會主動揦屎上身。

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更令我唔明嘅，點解佢哋咁執着要同我有交集、甚至一齊，明明我都係啱啱同佢哋有返接觸。

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我有冇咁易畀人覺得我缺愛，可以隨時成為我嘅軟肋？

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「你哋個個都係因為我個樣同佢似，又唔想同佢做，所以想搞我？」

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直白講出佢哋班人嘅心態，唔係唔想同佢做，又想同佢一樣樣嘅一齊，咁我係唯一嘅代替品。

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搞笑嘅係，我嘅存在就係要填補佢缺嘅一部分，成就大家眼中嘅『完美』。

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「除咗我仲有邊個？」

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佢望住我嘅眼神好警剔，點解咁快可以捉到重點。

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「你哋唔係好多人都信佢、鍾意佢，同幫佢，先會聽佢講接近我，然後用我嚟代替佢，生理同心理上。」

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我將我一直嘅疑問和盤托出，好無奈同遺憾，我需要搵外人嚟解答關於我敵人嘅問題。

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「唔知其他人係點，當年嘅佢利用你係過份，但如果佢最終嘅目的係想取代你，佢唔會成功。」

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我睇到有人行緊過嚟，從保安方向，導致我無思考對方口中『唔成功』嘅前因後果，我一直被灌輸『會成功』，我唔醒嘅話只可以永遠成為人哋『需要時』用嘅替代品。

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「點解？」

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佢睇到我視線唔集中，用身軀擋住我視線，仲向我烏低身，做到可以畀佢面嘅人睇到錯覺。

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仲用手擺動我下巴，保證我係睇到佢講咩。

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「你比佢真實，你知道自己嘅優劣強弱，你唔會害人去達到自己目的。

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係成年人嘅世界，咁樣已經好難得。」

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佢後面嘅人睇到佢嘅動作，衝過嚟推開佢，我被佢拉開到佢後面。

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再之後就聽到佢向人咆哮：

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「你幾時接觸到佢？你嗰班人都係蝦佢—」

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我行去中間隔開佢哋，點知佢搵住我係原地，唔畀我行開。

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驚我行過去人哋度維護人哋…

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以前我只可以呆企係人群中心，被你哋當時企係身邊嘅人嘲笑謾罵嘅時候，點解唔拉走我？

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見我被佢拉住掹唔到出嚟，佢都上火質問：

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「師兄，當時你都有份信另一個人，你有咩資格話我。」

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我聽到佢咁講，都放棄咗掙扎，又啱喎佢哋兩個對我嚟講都無加害者嚟，點解我仲需要理佢哋，係情感上唔需要，亦都將無尊嚴。

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一個feel到我唔再想走，一個睇到我唔郁，我唔理佢哋安靜地發老脾。

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「咁又係喎，頭先你同佢有冇諗過點樣做低我？」

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拖住我嗰個未嚟得切解釋，另一個幸災樂禍：

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「哦～師兄你係要出賣佢就快啲，我會補你位睇住佢。」

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佢唔向我解釋，選擇攬炒爆人大鑊：

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「我無出賣佢，你唔係安排咗其他人同另外一個人食飯咩，你咁樣就係害緊佢！」

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Wow精彩…原來我嘅敵人背地裡做咗咁多事，令低調存活嘅我咁廣為人知。

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但佢做咁多嘢，都有人唔埋單，笑咗咁得閒做善事仲好。

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做咁多陰質嘢，死性不改，邊有人會埋單。

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「不如咁喇你兩個都唔好再同我見面，咁樣對你哋好，雖然佢唔會因為你哋二五而轉移目標，但係佢都唔會畀你哋好過。

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就咁喇...好嘛？」

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講完就唔再理佢哋行返去大堂，佢哋兩個都跟住我一路行一路嘈，我都算數，佢哋有咩資格替我替緊。

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放棄有幾難，佢哋又唔係我邊個，就係唔可以放棄自己。

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保安見到我之後示意我停低唔好行入嚟，然後佢行出嚟，欲言又止。

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「你唔上得去，你頭先還咗匙，你嘅嘢都運走晒。」

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後面嗰兩個拉我向後，唔畀閉路電視錄到我，保安都扮嘢執垃圾，費事令人起疑。

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咁啱呢兩個人係我身邊嘅今日，都係唔畀我返屋企，獨自一人…

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「喂你兩個同你哋夾埋玩我，早啲講啊嘛，唔該你...」

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「你快啲走，好多人搵你，佢哋話見到你就要等佢哋嚟。」

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大家隔住大閘睇到，係一大堆醫護人員—

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「有人舉報你精神狀態唔穩定，傷到人，所以我哋要帶你去休養下。」

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拉開我嘅人即時合作，一個應對，一個帶我逃跑。

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早知唔好食咁飽同飲咁多，想嘔。

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