Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB5Ji6EJDFk
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9P5NPSC8J
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMHtl3XXMA
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFFs6DXWXC
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmtVACVxNF8
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8wmV0y1Ao
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRs8AoDNv8C
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4K2Xfq2rX
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wh2BRfvsr
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHziE0za6x
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfaOUTvo7B6
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6aKosv3BC
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7dpoqe75T
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡulg7MUT9lL
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpt2F3twjPX
39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JaBkh0SKv
"Everything is growth"39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWjuFaRGIP
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe5Jdo7LCmE
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnx3XcSr4WM
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3QWYI7UEL
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXB8ZQTvzqB
I wonder what part of that is alive.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEk5QXTeFM
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCd7MQpryR
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6pFEkgVMu
There is no other point in this community.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMfzRFC38YR
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXD76HoaDJ0
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmf7Sq31A3Q
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2x8X4xuUak
Whatever that's supposed to mean.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJsV9hzyDI
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wkEzxUqEp
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHuyC6EINS
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHFkE0v5tV
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqkTLb0JyL6
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QMOwhlttL
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYshlDe3u1
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Qqvft0EDB
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7UdpUl1vaa
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHwfzSwhZs
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HRc2v30iE
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe77ywVOEj7
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHzmyKz7gk
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGR9ryo6NWf
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiJmPIbspG
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLwBfuSKHPI
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlY4NCIOfu6
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh9pcfh7ZVB
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