一日清晨起床了。我又呆坐在床邊許久,頭腦裝滿了令人沮喪的灰色,讓人覺得活著毫無盼望可言,這種藍色憂鬱的病毒上身,像一張看不見、躲不開的魔網,要衝破這一層黑色的魔網,就像要衝破堅固的鐵欄監獄那樣的困難。
日子像過一條沒有盡頭的幽黑山洞,永遠也出不來,我看不見山洞盡頭的那一小口陽光。唉!受夠了!真的!不想繼續苟活下去。
「再也不想面對每一天的生活。」
「活著,太痛苦了!」
「我不想面對明天!」
「死了更美好!」
這些獨白不斷在我心上跳躍,腦袋裡的想法亂成一片,這些想法在我的頭顱裡亂竄,就像一群沒有紀律可言的蜜蜂,刺螫得令我快要發瘋發狂,憂鬱症真的十分折磨人。
我的靈魂,安靜的崩潰了。
終於,鼓起莫大勇氣,跨出之前一直沒有勇氣嘗試的事―――燒炭自殺。
鬱結不舒的日子裡,腦子裡曾想過無數次自殺的念頭,甚至上網查詢哪一種死法最沒有痛苦,對身體最沒有副作用。思來想去,只有燒炭自殺是最完美的死法,身體上也不會有任何痛苦。只是想歸想,遲遲沒有勇氣付諸行動。因為害怕自殺死亡之後的靈魂無法上天堂,那是多麼一件可怕的事情!地獄是永火刑罰的恐怖世界,烈火滾滾燙燒,永無超生之日。無怪乎,中國人常說:「絕對不行自殺!自殺死亡之後,靈魂會下地獄。」
今日,不一樣了!
我終於要解脫了!
不想留在世上再受苦了!
我穿著短睡衣褲緩緩起身,走到陽台外邊,翻箱取出,幾天前到小巷口五金行店裡,預先購置的一袋黑炭,另一隻手拿著炒菜用的鐵鑄鍋,來到廚房。打開瓦斯爐。頃刻間,瓦斯爐上竄起紅色火苗來,順手拈來一枝長鐵夾,夾起一根一根的黑木炭,放在瓦斯爐上慢慢燒烤,待十分鐘後,黑木炭被火燒得紅通通,吱吱嘎嘎作響。然後,一根一根放入鐵鑄鍋裡。不到二十分鐘,我完成了不起的創舉,帶著一盆燒得火旺的黑炭,回到臥房。
回到臥房之後,關上所有門窗,拉上窗簾,堵住每一個縫隙,整個房間頓時暗了下來,光線漸漸弱下來,我把房間封得嚴嚴實實,把鐵鍋置放在房間的地板上,自己慢慢爬上小床鋪,蜷縮於一襲涼薄被底下,靜靜等候未知的下一刻來臨。
鐵鑄鍋裡的黑炭愈燒愈旺,紅通通的木炭燒得黑裡透紅,火花竄冒出「劈哩啪啦」的聲響。目睹那一盆熊熊火燒的黑炭,心裡有一股莫名奇妙的快感,那是一種快要接近死亡的快感!死亡之息悄悄然襲近我,我離地獄愈來愈靠近。房間內愈來愈悶熱,室內溫度不斷升高,煤炭的煙燒味瀰漫於房內四周。漸漸地,我感到肺部吸入大量的煙氣,身體呈現一些不舒服,腦子裡不斷「轟轟轟」炸響。哈!哈!整個世界即將要嘎然而止了。
「再見了!我熟悉的世界!」聽到腦子裏的回音。
突然之間,腦子裡聽到一個熟悉的聲音。
咦?
好像是教會老牧師為我禱告的磁性嗓音!
一股溫暖的暖流,滑進心窩,
傾刻之間,腦子突然被一盆冷水澆醒了!
這個世界上,竟還有人在乎我、關心我!
那………還是不要死吧!
房間內十分悶熱難受,空氣中一氧化碳的濃度不斷升高,瀰漫著白色煙霧,身體裡面每一個小細胞,好像都吸飽了一氧化碳,細胞因吸不到氧氣,身體這一部巨大機器,已經快無法正常運轉下去。我感覺喉嚨快要被卡鎖死了,似有一條粗布繩緊勒住喉嚨,就快要不能呼吸了,相繼而來巨大的身體痛楚淹沒了我。
原來,燒炭死亡前的那一刻竟如此痛苦!
好―――險!鬼哭神號的一聲剎車,與死亡之神擦肩而過,十分慶幸自己還活著。
「奇怪?怎麼死前景況和網路上形容的不一樣呢?」喃喃地自問自答。
或許,那些燒炭自殺的成功者,已再無機會回到陽世警告世人―――嘿!此路不通。
我從床上緩緩起身,手無力扶著床邊,步履蹣跚,頭昏腦脹,打開房間的門,踱出臥房。心想:「天啊!我要呼吸新鮮的空氣!」進入客廳後,沒頭沒腦兒大口大口吸氣。一刻鐘過後,整個人舒坦多了,我打開公寓所有的門與窗戶,讓四處瀰漫的煙味能夠迅速消散。身體疲累倚坐於沙發上,回想方才一幕,老牧師的禱告聲音又浮現腦海中,淚水不知不覺的掉下來。
這是我人生第一次自殺未遂的經歷,奉勸各位千萬別做傻事,要幹傻事之前,請先打電話給家人、朋友、教友、或生命線求助。因為,無論哪一種死法,在瀕死前都有劇烈痛苦。
有了人生第一次自殺未遂的經歷,身體警鈴大響,我開始有「病識感」,警覺到自己似乎生病了,應該要去看精神科醫生。三日後,我去市立醫院就診,醫生診斷出是「重度憂鬱症」,開了安眠藥與抗鬱劑讓我服用。然而,第一次與精神科醫師諮商的結果,令人十分失望,完全無法減輕心理上的焦慮與沮喪,反而讓病情更加嚴重。至此,我相信精神科醫師所能給予的幫助是有限的,一切還是要靠自己。
就診完當天夜晚,我服用一顆安眠藥與抗鬱劑入睡,生平第一次服用此種藥物。果然,那一夜睡得十分安穩,沒有惡夢,睡眠沒有中斷,一覺睡到隔天下午二點鐘,早餐、午餐都不必吃了,藥效比想像中好!但是,起床之後,整個人頭重腳輕,頭暈腦脹,思考、行動、反應變得相當遲緩,身體呈現呆滯狀態,這是吃藥的副作用。
於是,我決定減少藥劑量。
隔天夜晚,只服用半顆安眠藥與抗鬱劑入睡,那一夜仍舊睡得十分安穩,一覺睡到隔天接近中午十二點,日竿正午才起床。心理狀態不再低落、沮喪、憂鬱、焦慮……因為,藥物會舒緩腦神經運轉的速度,腦細胞傳遞減速了,整個人就像一部機器電力不足,會常出現「秀逗」、「跳機」的窘況。
我上網研究關於「憂鬱症」的資料,發現全世界罹患此病的人,約占全球人口百分之十,人數比想像中多,僅次於癌症、愛滋病,成為二十一世紀人類三大疾病的殺手。若包括「隱形憂鬱症」患者―――有潛在因子存在,但是目前沒有發病,相信人數比例會更高,而這些憂鬱症患者,未來將有百分之二十會死於自殺,死亡率相當高。例如:知名作家三毛、林奕含、尼采……
而有自殺的念頭的人,大多在生命中有極大的壓力和傷痛,無法排解與舒緩,才會造成憂鬱症纏身。
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一連吃三天的藥物,在沒有與醫師商量的情形下,私自決定不再服藥。反正,那一位精神科醫師是個庸醫,懶得再與他有任何接觸。決定不再服用精神科藥物的理由,乃因個人認為藥物只能治標,不能治本。我會有如此的認知,乃因知曉大部分的憂鬱症成因是來自「重大創傷」或「靈界的攪擾」,並非完全是大腦病變,因此吃藥也很難痊癒。關於此一論點,我會在後面詳述。
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