幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAgIrpVrQ9tS
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAnUOBvXPmCO
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
442Please respect copyright.PENANA63Znygo9YY
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAeVl9xrD3Ti
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
442Please respect copyright.PENANA5hdnJkUl9Y
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAQyQn3VQdTS
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
442Please respect copyright.PENANA4XMR4THBtF
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。442Please respect copyright.PENANAqhv1SoHoZy
442Please respect copyright.PENANA3gVvydfI6D
442Please respect copyright.PENANAFaCCVP6paY
442Please respect copyright.PENANAxxna1sxAGX
世界觀:442Please respect copyright.PENANAo9YawseYHN
442Please respect copyright.PENANAVFZOSE9Uxn
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
442Please respect copyright.PENANARyplbALEJA
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAhD2DlzfdaJ
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAGk3SkiVkHm
442Please respect copyright.PENANAfRqIf0VWcs
劇情細節的提醒:442Please respect copyright.PENANA1WYLZoVVyu
442Please respect copyright.PENANAmZkjUvmziw
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:442Please respect copyright.PENANAwU2k2Cp41A
442Please respect copyright.PENANAew55II7LWe
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。442Please respect copyright.PENANAX2Gwrcfrsw
442Please respect copyright.PENANATE8ZDyhmkx
參考網站:442Please respect copyright.PENANAHzXa3Dg7RY
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html442Please respect copyright.PENANAE8mOIDzme7
442Please respect copyright.PENANAlJnrlJwOJr
442Please respect copyright.PENANA2PbnvsKwVI
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。442Please respect copyright.PENANAYpJRYUYU5F
442Please respect copyright.PENANAtWpqb3ywQ9
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。442Please respect copyright.PENANAJHgLMlqzqk
442Please respect copyright.PENANAVSmpbLhdAL
442Please respect copyright.PENANAgnunyPLdMZ
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。442Please respect copyright.PENANA8YwTdVoBiG
442Please respect copyright.PENANA6gaNUBQcx8
442Please respect copyright.PENANASEpp9Yv5SA
角色:442Please respect copyright.PENANAV5JRTEEmG7
442Please respect copyright.PENANAbFTpXvCIWK
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:442Please respect copyright.PENANA4Ciz4glXmR
442Please respect copyright.PENANAov91k2AE3d
主角:俊明
442Please respect copyright.PENANAm7YEfYVV54
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)442Please respect copyright.PENANAPB6WT0NbOe
442Please respect copyright.PENANAALtGHJLU6H
主角現狀:遭人排擠
442Please respect copyright.PENANA3CEjAruOlP
奉翊:442Please respect copyright.PENANAKDvGSSy22a
不擅長飛行。442Please respect copyright.PENANAqHbpwk0MHd
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。442Please respect copyright.PENANANOP6ABHKqo
442Please respect copyright.PENANACpoqpewTVm
442Please respect copyright.PENANAYSf1C66K7k
442Please respect copyright.PENANA0ra2IQ0j1v
對於角色整體的感想:442Please respect copyright.PENANAweVIPKeTzm
442Please respect copyright.PENANAIP4P26K5nC
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。442Please respect copyright.PENANANooHfbJzjj
442Please respect copyright.PENANAcjlUzC21Cd
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。442Please respect copyright.PENANAg5NyEMwIM8
442Please respect copyright.PENANAOSJaeg7KJn
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:442Please respect copyright.PENANA9pdjIJeU0l
442Please respect copyright.PENANA9LLMkTPErT
原作:442Please respect copyright.PENANAiYki7fi3nq
442Please respect copyright.PENANAONvjaARCN3
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388442Please respect copyright.PENANAWCRhwD1B57
442Please respect copyright.PENANA3aVoCYuGcd
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)442Please respect copyright.PENANAmPtLrjVw2j
442Please respect copyright.PENANA5P3abha0YP
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):442Please respect copyright.PENANAN68WOHlZgH
442Please respect copyright.PENANAJxigf7VED5
調整後:442Please respect copyright.PENANA96AFMuTN5z
442Please respect copyright.PENANAINR91gPu8h
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。442Please respect copyright.PENANAdBvZacqVWd
442Please respect copyright.PENANAntizVYn8jH
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。442Please respect copyright.PENANAKbElC2kW11
442Please respect copyright.PENANAKeJooF2ffX
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。442Please respect copyright.PENANAuGpzo7b5cv
442Please respect copyright.PENANAdtZ73lbCai
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」442Please respect copyright.PENANAHRIeVX2Vlu
442Please respect copyright.PENANARMoWzONu31
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。442Please respect copyright.PENANAInvZxdMrln
442Please respect copyright.PENANAZtdtM9fd3J
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:442Please respect copyright.PENANA8fhp6jF8nw
442Please respect copyright.PENANAmq30LwjGNR
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAVxtjgqExqH
442Please respect copyright.PENANAO9u3YSgVwN
查喀比茲?那是什麼?442Please respect copyright.PENANA5qZK7ICvdu
442Please respect copyright.PENANAu0huPdf1LR
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:442Please respect copyright.PENANA24OFqEaLye
442Please respect copyright.PENANA1C6Sj52raP
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」442Please respect copyright.PENANApI0JgGmnkh
442Please respect copyright.PENANAhoVbeQ4ENG
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。442Please respect copyright.PENANAKg7GGNtv4m
442Please respect copyright.PENANAQQZiX87Ts5
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」442Please respect copyright.PENANA1buctiZSqw
442Please respect copyright.PENANAGCsnZJq3J8
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。442Please respect copyright.PENANAOnJTEPLtci
442Please respect copyright.PENANAlpdI2VGt4e
他進一步解釋道:442Please respect copyright.PENANAskfETUyoCJ
442Please respect copyright.PENANAU3NkfuSOpb
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAym9cNZcVou
442Please respect copyright.PENANAZHsSSFEitB
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:442Please respect copyright.PENANAJFadv5rfi7
442Please respect copyright.PENANApKON6DGswr
「查詢,查喀比茲。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAQsmqiZAVCb
442Please respect copyright.PENANA3EfGn7Y9q6
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。442Please respect copyright.PENANA30sPDYvf0Q
442Please respect copyright.PENANAKtwNANGaHM
「──查無此項結果。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAVo1Oxo0HuK
442Please respect copyright.PENANAv38kV8oew3
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。442Please respect copyright.PENANAbXo8vcSMFX
442Please respect copyright.PENANA7HbY419pmZ
「啊啊!」442Please respect copyright.PENANANFWxdlX1O1
442Please respect copyright.PENANAzuDIRBvszi
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。442Please respect copyright.PENANAMUpOfYg71X
442Please respect copyright.PENANAJTBL6SUXO9
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAJ3BqsoIAwm
442Please respect copyright.PENANAMSPfHuPbJk
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:442Please respect copyright.PENANAX8zOhKwlnF
442Please respect copyright.PENANAMj1S8lPy4N
查喀比茲。442Please respect copyright.PENANAyB0qqphlvN
442Please respect copyright.PENANAHCBMlN6Ai0
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。442Please respect copyright.PENANAZu8QkXFw82
442Please respect copyright.PENANAfJfcfoI5hD
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。442Please respect copyright.PENANAnWaiNML1kw
442Please respect copyright.PENANAFX1MbaEDtg
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:442Please respect copyright.PENANAqbUgTnfE3u
442Please respect copyright.PENANA9zKhtIRKRa
「你、你、你……該不會──」442Please respect copyright.PENANAlU1YO53XN0
442Please respect copyright.PENANAF5LbOEMbdB
「沒錯,我就是──」442Please respect copyright.PENANAGTDnY3vxTG
442Please respect copyright.PENANANheVCcz0Y1
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:442Please respect copyright.PENANARoszDEIfpn
442Please respect copyright.PENANA1xAZPTrWoL
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」442Please respect copyright.PENANAeOxS3bSCN7
442Please respect copyright.PENANAyEeIL96KxK
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:442Please respect copyright.PENANAcNDfs2VpPX
442Please respect copyright.PENANA9RNlMOd2tR
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAMho2nDb8NI
442Please respect copyright.PENANA2MmB9bPXdW
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。442Please respect copyright.PENANAHGRRTdNXex
442Please respect copyright.PENANAqlF1Ga2PFk
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:442Please respect copyright.PENANA1FiIisiu57
442Please respect copyright.PENANACh6N4VGgvk
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」442Please respect copyright.PENANA8Lpte9FFmG
442Please respect copyright.PENANAxcUvyEhY3g
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。442Please respect copyright.PENANAb2oDK6Aio8
442Please respect copyright.PENANAPvRHm048GF
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。442Please respect copyright.PENANAV0nCYSKgrJ
442Please respect copyright.PENANAG6Ma9CnVhZ
主線劇情:442Please respect copyright.PENANAz09ONlB19b
442Please respect copyright.PENANAfJlz0ySBma
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。442Please respect copyright.PENANAuKr4cXOpYV
442Please respect copyright.PENANAPYwLCQG1i1
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。442Please respect copyright.PENANAJ5r1uzlb2S
442Please respect copyright.PENANA0djeRhOzrR
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。442Please respect copyright.PENANAp92yyWoOUH
442Please respect copyright.PENANAM3gb0d48DU
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:442Please respect copyright.PENANAupL5Pe6NRF
442Please respect copyright.PENANA6YbyLm0Tqt
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)442Please respect copyright.PENANAitvJZMkgUG
442Please respect copyright.PENANATt4wjWcwEp
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)442Please respect copyright.PENANArVvJzc0Zkh
442Please respect copyright.PENANA4VNJAD8YDa
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)442Please respect copyright.PENANAHrjCpZHM6F
442Please respect copyright.PENANAzW0P35wgoU
442Please respect copyright.PENANApbiQfVzHgC
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。442Please respect copyright.PENANAdgwzAI32J6
442Please respect copyright.PENANAKi98S0nbvv
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:442Please respect copyright.PENANAGbkjXsydAm
442Please respect copyright.PENANAvSpAEUsxWx
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。442Please respect copyright.PENANAgaK1QmT6Cy
442Please respect copyright.PENANAbkr86bUJLZ
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。442Please respect copyright.PENANA1QSXbo4It1
442Please respect copyright.PENANAQbBSQ4zUkX
那麼差不多是這樣。442Please respect copyright.PENANAMT1fmsj9lG
442Please respect copyright.PENANA2SShbAsdbY
442Please respect copyright.PENANANovFGWFsr0
442Please respect copyright.PENANAauEMJAuke2
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。442Please respect copyright.PENANADtJ6834S8x
442Please respect copyright.PENANAK6kmdiwLqo
總之加油吧。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAmR0YZdZJ2E
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAppVdz7nUqM
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAyOVD93LQOF
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
442Please respect copyright.PENANA30hq2TSYWl
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
442Please respect copyright.PENANA10MNFXGmY0
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。442Please respect copyright.PENANA158SQTxZEk
442Please respect copyright.PENANAWCR8D34Ffx
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」442Please respect copyright.PENANAIjZEYI0zkA
442Please respect copyright.PENANAXM1pdr9VWk
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。442Please respect copyright.PENANABWnhwt0eMg
442Please respect copyright.PENANA4ThYHPgZuN
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:442Please respect copyright.PENANAmpKINzS37D
442Please respect copyright.PENANAqUIJVYPYf0
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」442Please respect copyright.PENANAInUdOQEvfx
442Please respect copyright.PENANAmTwxXJ9JRZ
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
442Please respect copyright.PENANA3Mq4ZoOsNO
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAbgVbynFWIi
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
442Please respect copyright.PENANAQUTc0Xxp19
主角:俊明442Please respect copyright.PENANAe2JNWb5FSX
442Please respect copyright.PENANABXIc0pAgIu
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)442Please respect copyright.PENANAwkaWiiYEd7
442Please respect copyright.PENANAt708JnwKf1
442Please respect copyright.PENANA1tvD9e0xwH
主角現狀:遭人排擠442Please respect copyright.PENANAjZea2Vuvz9
442Please respect copyright.PENANA4evbgCq8XS
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
442Please respect copyright.PENANAvJ6EN1a5Vi
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。442Please respect copyright.PENANAlVyMcwr1HC
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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