幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
390Please respect copyright.PENANA7H6sF0nxh4
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAiqza5Ki8xM
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
390Please respect copyright.PENANApeg9ukrULI
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAPVR29Xdlzg
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAdCYwStJT4P
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAHBRLmwffZ8
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAgkiryCQWor
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。390Please respect copyright.PENANAKmQQerEwzx
390Please respect copyright.PENANAWP1iFSq7ck
390Please respect copyright.PENANASnJgQVRIfu
390Please respect copyright.PENANAnJnqmpW1fZ
世界觀:390Please respect copyright.PENANAk5tdqwsJSx
390Please respect copyright.PENANAibeb1kmZAd
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAMwTUfTU4Uk
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAmtQt6Kyip1
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAhzDC0BdYyZ
390Please respect copyright.PENANAynbr34mJYf
劇情細節的提醒:390Please respect copyright.PENANAmdZdsr8wsf
390Please respect copyright.PENANA6vjtOT3r0z
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:390Please respect copyright.PENANAREwXeQ9vG8
390Please respect copyright.PENANAeqQKcmhKEL
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。390Please respect copyright.PENANA4JYg1xdQmw
390Please respect copyright.PENANAzfUvW59pPa
參考網站:390Please respect copyright.PENANAckZQCycy1y
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html390Please respect copyright.PENANAqNKlFnNMbe
390Please respect copyright.PENANAI20YOFECo2
390Please respect copyright.PENANAG052zA6WLo
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。390Please respect copyright.PENANAeouv7xK7Xk
390Please respect copyright.PENANAWfXtwiEy2G
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。390Please respect copyright.PENANAaYk45v7z9Q
390Please respect copyright.PENANAygMtHeWNQU
390Please respect copyright.PENANA8hsQiAnvuQ
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。390Please respect copyright.PENANAzLUelu3fyZ
390Please respect copyright.PENANA5K7LffEwAk
390Please respect copyright.PENANAuTDQrefW7F
角色:390Please respect copyright.PENANAitOVyyFU00
390Please respect copyright.PENANAbO1QBOB8cm
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:390Please respect copyright.PENANAiE24KablMs
390Please respect copyright.PENANACWrrGiDDDZ
主角:俊明
390Please respect copyright.PENANAzGfdhK68m3
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)390Please respect copyright.PENANAraDAJmCcWg
390Please respect copyright.PENANAaWcjYhyBNQ
主角現狀:遭人排擠
390Please respect copyright.PENANAWUYhAchYC6
奉翊:390Please respect copyright.PENANAlYy6f26qjl
不擅長飛行。390Please respect copyright.PENANAXIxrQ3Pt3b
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。390Please respect copyright.PENANA4WHpZ8vLtq
390Please respect copyright.PENANA0WcTWyXr3G
390Please respect copyright.PENANAewwQRFvOAw
390Please respect copyright.PENANAqFIYy0SsHO
對於角色整體的感想:390Please respect copyright.PENANAfuJkxUwiop
390Please respect copyright.PENANA7lOkGdnu2R
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。390Please respect copyright.PENANAPlOXPJ8vlX
390Please respect copyright.PENANARxoYVYwk2W
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。390Please respect copyright.PENANASLNK2g7NXC
390Please respect copyright.PENANACtNe72OhDJ
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:390Please respect copyright.PENANAOEkJ32bejo
390Please respect copyright.PENANAoDZmshuEpd
原作:390Please respect copyright.PENANA7APN3G5ajY
390Please respect copyright.PENANAOGg0MQjDYz
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388390Please respect copyright.PENANAETBdnJbldA
390Please respect copyright.PENANAuSbF0ogpvZ
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)390Please respect copyright.PENANAuuEdpixtbz
390Please respect copyright.PENANAsuUoLiTlHn
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):390Please respect copyright.PENANAF1vNtFCvfv
390Please respect copyright.PENANAEcSPe7R1zk
調整後:390Please respect copyright.PENANAXkuScmpWfq
390Please respect copyright.PENANAgBOSUYI19A
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。390Please respect copyright.PENANA82ouil3MxF
390Please respect copyright.PENANA4aG7U1TAAN
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。390Please respect copyright.PENANAXw3m0WVJXo
390Please respect copyright.PENANAfgUt1veEwM
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。390Please respect copyright.PENANAf9cpwu87yX
390Please respect copyright.PENANAW8q2cO0xrC
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」390Please respect copyright.PENANA17kQPkkk4z
390Please respect copyright.PENANAzoKcUc59HS
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。390Please respect copyright.PENANAuJAEZfhOMs
390Please respect copyright.PENANAUHkXDTb6iS
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:390Please respect copyright.PENANAD5JDnN6ka2
390Please respect copyright.PENANAAvbzWLV1VT
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」390Please respect copyright.PENANANKLMXz9DyC
390Please respect copyright.PENANAtbl8MJX0GA
查喀比茲?那是什麼?390Please respect copyright.PENANAcpMM4FVvcL
390Please respect copyright.PENANAcwEBZzq0gt
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:390Please respect copyright.PENANAtvexCvJj4J
390Please respect copyright.PENANAOTjyMFUhJ2
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」390Please respect copyright.PENANAP2Z5xa78St
390Please respect copyright.PENANAuem4JRqwVi
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。390Please respect copyright.PENANApDZi8JSebV
390Please respect copyright.PENANAS3cJMb8UUz
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」390Please respect copyright.PENANA3iH7T6ITJc
390Please respect copyright.PENANAPDvQo6Xr1Q
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。390Please respect copyright.PENANAup4VRcg8AR
390Please respect copyright.PENANAOcUJD9rxmA
他進一步解釋道:390Please respect copyright.PENANAdu8ZGSomux
390Please respect copyright.PENANA12vQWn2ViA
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」390Please respect copyright.PENANA6RVRxEBrlP
390Please respect copyright.PENANAM497BqPNMq
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:390Please respect copyright.PENANARdGG2puRE3
390Please respect copyright.PENANAKUvGxrV6AA
「查詢,查喀比茲。」390Please respect copyright.PENANAFC7PTEmEMM
390Please respect copyright.PENANArNZBojt1sX
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。390Please respect copyright.PENANAs29zZAtkcq
390Please respect copyright.PENANAG8ph4uKd4B
「──查無此項結果。」390Please respect copyright.PENANAgu8eIucpAC
390Please respect copyright.PENANAut0p8WbjfI
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。390Please respect copyright.PENANAJZfabp9pa4
390Please respect copyright.PENANAxPNE5wKmQv
「啊啊!」390Please respect copyright.PENANAYYNA0Qt1U7
390Please respect copyright.PENANAXrcmIn4nF2
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。390Please respect copyright.PENANAnMSNw2QVdg
390Please respect copyright.PENANAsq2MZcI3ng
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」390Please respect copyright.PENANAUWbvM7znPo
390Please respect copyright.PENANAhlJ2FgB8HA
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:390Please respect copyright.PENANAqQzQhWVjA5
390Please respect copyright.PENANALoeURNfOQx
查喀比茲。390Please respect copyright.PENANA7wE5Ops4wR
390Please respect copyright.PENANAMD0Y8ycUns
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。390Please respect copyright.PENANA0T2dV5z6OQ
390Please respect copyright.PENANAHqANhC1Gt3
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。390Please respect copyright.PENANAafKoPBdFl4
390Please respect copyright.PENANABSkCdOwJcJ
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:390Please respect copyright.PENANAuigeCdZ5yM
390Please respect copyright.PENANA42eMYinRdk
「你、你、你……該不會──」390Please respect copyright.PENANAih66LdJdjj
390Please respect copyright.PENANALrSbgqclEL
「沒錯,我就是──」390Please respect copyright.PENANAgeTw4L5rtp
390Please respect copyright.PENANAVvLs8RGiWe
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:390Please respect copyright.PENANAHtYY8lFdP1
390Please respect copyright.PENANApk5SUpWcYf
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」390Please respect copyright.PENANASPqhNs3XtD
390Please respect copyright.PENANA901MIwn2gu
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:390Please respect copyright.PENANAu8sNM5Uqlt
390Please respect copyright.PENANA2SP9wW82ED
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」390Please respect copyright.PENANATX4rduGRBV
390Please respect copyright.PENANAvSJokRCf8a
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。390Please respect copyright.PENANA5qVHkDIda5
390Please respect copyright.PENANAILIpfipuSU
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:390Please respect copyright.PENANAZWHbDWCGw9
390Please respect copyright.PENANA39Hpo7Qjsg
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」390Please respect copyright.PENANAbktfYO5HVd
390Please respect copyright.PENANAW61PSXDNs6
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。390Please respect copyright.PENANA7VsElKP7ac
390Please respect copyright.PENANAtarvt2meO9
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。390Please respect copyright.PENANAZyTr9FLcjC
390Please respect copyright.PENANAPbN0hgWLbw
主線劇情:390Please respect copyright.PENANAjgwvQxwVO9
390Please respect copyright.PENANARnCxuSP1RS
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。390Please respect copyright.PENANAl1V1OqEFku
390Please respect copyright.PENANAWhPWQM0PLu
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。390Please respect copyright.PENANAqZzgckZkuY
390Please respect copyright.PENANA1mEwieYEuI
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。390Please respect copyright.PENANA0xuUiNSDBX
390Please respect copyright.PENANAdkyS0dV5Wm
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:390Please respect copyright.PENANAJRJKmxipYS
390Please respect copyright.PENANAgmFy135PAz
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)390Please respect copyright.PENANAcLzJ5rBl7w
390Please respect copyright.PENANAmRZ63pSzAZ
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)390Please respect copyright.PENANAeeD12QzjSi
390Please respect copyright.PENANAyAYGILBPKl
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)390Please respect copyright.PENANAq21LRRJ0Ic
390Please respect copyright.PENANARXsFkZi8iP
390Please respect copyright.PENANANR0jWjdegm
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。390Please respect copyright.PENANAcoyqZptJJd
390Please respect copyright.PENANApWk7L5uGWd
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:390Please respect copyright.PENANAoIh0NEKXVF
390Please respect copyright.PENANAJOBYzy82Ys
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。390Please respect copyright.PENANAalLW7jNcyc
390Please respect copyright.PENANAO9lqUZfHpw
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。390Please respect copyright.PENANAY5q1w1aMOI
390Please respect copyright.PENANA1iR3R1lihU
那麼差不多是這樣。390Please respect copyright.PENANAk6xqJp24z0
390Please respect copyright.PENANAMMycpEedmM
390Please respect copyright.PENANAqoVUFZKlJZ
390Please respect copyright.PENANATuT1ZFS7x2
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。390Please respect copyright.PENANAPZDQrdb1is
390Please respect copyright.PENANA8dTKa1DcwC
總之加油吧。
390Please respect copyright.PENANATKvPSNKRTQ
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAf498sQPL54
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAYeTeraM74H
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAdDujJMV7mC
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
390Please respect copyright.PENANADRgogbyUJX
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。390Please respect copyright.PENANA5OTyRRJV41
390Please respect copyright.PENANA3KSNfXQo0A
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」390Please respect copyright.PENANAXejoa2oPTf
390Please respect copyright.PENANAuEraLyir3v
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。390Please respect copyright.PENANAs3ffEIDb4u
390Please respect copyright.PENANAc7bqzdyZ1y
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:390Please respect copyright.PENANAMJ4FAFjaoE
390Please respect copyright.PENANA04rhU2hL48
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」390Please respect copyright.PENANAbJt3n8xzb5
390Please respect copyright.PENANAU3qTNzcN8Z
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
390Please respect copyright.PENANALZRtVZvvdz
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
390Please respect copyright.PENANANtEJ5Fn5mG
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
390Please respect copyright.PENANAOWrsGWNTxX
主角:俊明390Please respect copyright.PENANAPMEZ3TWY2Y
390Please respect copyright.PENANAxYq4Xe9bBo
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)390Please respect copyright.PENANAnwxvvGfxIh
390Please respect copyright.PENANAJHrS0BU6OJ
390Please respect copyright.PENANApiyf2yaO7v
主角現狀:遭人排擠390Please respect copyright.PENANA8VqR7Hel1x
390Please respect copyright.PENANATWaWLrG8ZE
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
390Please respect copyright.PENANAtFFym6gjJQ
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。390Please respect copyright.PENANAnjFiqHlySH
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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