最讓你難過的一件事 - 不介意

下班回家，淋浴。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8VQSzHKSY
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3rQwYu7G5
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFgdFqRf6P
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEFict5Jcd
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1zAmSpAaQ
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaHZlLuKwDI
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasKj4PcQyP
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDTQLfucrh
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCZqPdjaM6
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HKl3yWr3b
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeVbGFz1zv
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurU1fjvZzA
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0HWBlRCh6W
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvVVDALELl
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeSNvjhuk5S
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIJZtyw6wv
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwYwjYndNSF
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡky47bqMbRk
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MKrzBYuJz
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtRGfyOwkVd
啪——啪——276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNsL1GP49C
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhwTS6OTeiM
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBdTiqrK5p
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAn2728gfUi
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0pMWPCS9Ml
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3tDPs0B6z
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN86nhd3qSU
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjuI7yZYZU
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGPsi7AUiE
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2wPzlsysw
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RhCXkQl1J
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NNnoppElj
算了吧。沒所謂。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00uG5hHUaO
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXANeVdexQe
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKMoFh8Ak9L
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGTpOcb0sC
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXmexNLlbY
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsaQEjXus84
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjOEnNbGRQf
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqbpkShe0v
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVD7E7yBrum
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1LQaD0Elr
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4KcGPv1MwS
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6GFAzYptJ
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUo9Bjk4Z3
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvP0fDKWkPz
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fK7PSxf2r
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhE60JroLvz
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFtFEv50mD
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgIwFvcHQO
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfkUeG3pGF
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4BdUrX8V9N
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlwQqO5X9Py
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZf4kCGvga
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57csZk0TfE
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWgJKfysRA
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBoLjMQsVq
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpZGGeG305
我頭也不回開門離家。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUakIBamSFt
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOp3WyGkhbS
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiMt4jc9c34
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFQ0cQhFbT
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNZgPRYCGv
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLx70ihxXZ8
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQT8qbtRlW
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4OwJ1Gvyc
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkICQohrJL0
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡriPglqNVNq
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWSzzUNBJD
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJXJKUrkCw
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNv95Y68vc
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sJLC1mY1a
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXFkI4NkdcD
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZYa9Ko3SK
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBY7wXGMXh4
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDgW7oThpG
「你不開心？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh2fJ07sKSk
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirXcqiL6mT
「是的。但與你無關。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsP7KJzOfVK
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqN05SgNp5
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSAUh1HRiD
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1BYMTA3KN
「還有菸嗎？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf5qoPRw5EF
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnex0xxJmIu
「有。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡouAYYSUtJl
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPl9IJyiowk
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwR3DtomDA
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4Od4vxBjF
「俊仔還好嗎？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ZGpHhPyIt
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqa2VcvRh7B
「與你無關。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdc5mVoE0n
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLtl4yIQ5E
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxiS3rXyl5L
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVnVlvEzMA
我幽幽一笑。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZvnMhUSi2
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFg1Y7RVfNi
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iisxsICqV
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXdIlkjPRu
「多少？我付！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPvAlxV21a
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOMVqNX4h5
「五萬七千五百元。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbUKtpW6He
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYsQTOJ88lQ
「好！沒問題！小意思！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhiIV6g327
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqrBHqgqFwL
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpsxHfPDl0Q
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTObNAWv8og
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeennBhOk5u
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9E0IQrSnO
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuMnQ8mQhs
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpmdWe4QHV
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQ71eKvGZ3
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2oUrVPJwc
「阿顧，對不起。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqe10wSRd4T
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWt7i5HCdsI
「道歉有屁用！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4MFYJv2q2A
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtl5Dtv0fB
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFk8LZrxzd
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxnDD9Uj6zU
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5cauMWcam4
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nglRvClSI
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJkpNYIb2N
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmKF5vxfm0
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnwHCApcyx
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgItNtkWWPY
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3fLEbnUtCy
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkNLgp227s
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtdtnt86N2
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuut34KVII0
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxO424LrEs1
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQb9xzXDHhF
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr8EZGXo1nj
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0RxPosEua
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7GMkDNC5Ai
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzHsJsKJBq
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkrGBsIJTNb
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1y6ZMzYit
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEUihJrKpc
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXwzUQgkBg
我活該……我活該……我活該……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwegGnJBQA
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRbcjDnncx
我如此催眠自己。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXXc1cks5ly

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