Triggers

They start innocuously.

A passing jab

An occasional remark

Daring each other to ask me out but rarely doing it.775Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡObdeCpbp2h

Sometime-I can't remember when-it gets worse

Individual events get blurry, but the idea is the same.

They mock me

They ask me out more, laughing and watching each other to make sure it happens

Every time I respond,

No matter how I respond

Is taken as a joke, either on me or others775Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vbZq0pFqi

The worst part is always a blur.

They mock me when I had a high fever for a week and couldn't come to school

They mock me when I read to escape their torture

They mock me when they ask me out

They mock me for the things I enjoy

They mock me for being a reader of books, a writer of poems, a watcher of psychology videos

They ask me out, I explain why I say no, and they twist my words against me

They start calling me a lesbian

And the dam breaks

What happens after that...I can barely remember even with great effort.

My mind just can't handle the pain I went through

Someone flippantly says they're "so depressed" for feeling sad one day.

I hold my tongue

But ask if they've ever felt a void where their emotions should be

If they've ever felt sad for days

If their only hope was to escape for a few hours

Before being dragged into the real world again

Just wanting everything to stop, just for a little while, so you can pick up the pieces again

Sure, depression shows up differently in different people,

But neurotypicals never show the real symptoms

There was a boy

A senior

He killed himself my sophomore year

Everyone might tell me to not talk about it

But I have to

Everyone is walking on eggshells,

Not talking much to their friends, let alone me

No one can say the word

Even the teachers are somber

I want to scream,

"I've been there, I know, you can't understand, though you may try, unless you go through it yourself!"

Everyone seems to be asking why,

And my only response is "For him, there was no other way out"

But no one asks.

The egg-shell pieces of my composure are smashed under their feet.775Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDbOIkJ1xd

The anxiety attacks set in,

And I can't cope with my triggers

Any more

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