My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFbwlwb3lc
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34OAGOvQF0
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMJ4K2sItf
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVTuJyCjMN0
Hmm... 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBXvCiXsoi
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcT8EN6IhN
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZALOlqpKTW
"You can have have all the adult toys."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0OFcMQ1X7
Except for the pecker enhancer!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVc9pvx9WUb
"That's all I need..."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc25v5eahU6
"Wait!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAm0MaLkXO
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITZFBJoSu0
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfme7dIHc56
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX89u87x7lL
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXBgn0Gbmq
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZMYRWxJdE
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LUSzytNkT
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwFtcDXKll
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJti7LaWNQ
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJOWpZGES4X
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyi4cH4wQUm
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vAnJDgVOl
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEj3zpZBuSq
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdWOJIRAGB
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSPD2ZJkXq
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbh3plM33TU
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmyMctvoPSd
(Sarah laughs)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPB5KmtssU
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPosk3SnEIN
"Gosh Darn!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdB4DKiRF7L
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJPLIv3571
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiLmPL0LPZR
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEs3W40WaBu
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3pEtFnzL8P
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLVzYBS7vm
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTncQKfSNH
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRRjeSo18w
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8mnEnDtrR
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOM6eYIZd9O
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYsMpNruUl4
(Sarah says what)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUoXWhoQBq
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ61buwt2Ros
(he laughs and Sarah winks)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GTEf46c9U
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXWdzmcXGX
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVAIQWDsGFG
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofzFGSbCTA
(Keith laughs hard)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBO0VfVFXik
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIAZSEpgVs
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wjIUmBkrb
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjFHQRT1SH
Honey,469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorsxwI4MFA
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Eornmvz4Z
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82Kh3Bup5v
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFSWM5UBAB
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHOVDBDzLH
Keith says,469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpW1A3l5fHK
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT7rd19f7mi
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8K00MgPeGN
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITnPbVmxCb
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnldXcbsnCg
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptyNQ043HW
"Ground beef!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVAE4FpnbdJ
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKjxgO5old
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7M71Vx8ql
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSO28vUSQow
Lawsuits.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWv7AlQqhiN
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4673pwnJsW
Keith's friends knew him as the 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPF27leqKPz
Clown Jester of Bakersville.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UhB6Kb7QS
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0075BZLCR
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHk99HgyRx2
Because he was so outstanding in his field!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIVZq2c8SH
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDXA0Mikpnd
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBt3agzyUMA
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xbMxIGm77
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0INAbYCcPU
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMr6xcFQo3A
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4wxQFypyK
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerj4FP3T2R
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfW7IJ00HK
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGpPCEKY1K
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhq1q9poC3x
Having heard them all before, many times.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZY8nZu5gdA
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucAuFGDVmt
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8afeekzYZ
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZdoaIwR06
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6BKHqPXmH
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CxawEk40P
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6v4JDJ3Sb
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6lzdqKaAA
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCkMyNpubK
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0hGnBJDug
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFtcoAwtJV
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6nMqIxuDsS
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAAP4iIB6X
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs2hamlCEg2
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdGguC5bds
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7PDPreE0sL
(audience chuckles)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rqy4eb2Kw
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMzpHFTGTk0
I haven't heard from him since.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYXi7k1NVM
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QRGpQbFOy
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVEmTU4Ksd
(audience laughing)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0lq9F3mx5
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmpHbB96vA
She still isn't talking to me.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmhtw2R4bP
(Keith smiles)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwbVY4QloU
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfI6wELQU2
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7T1QK3xEt
but I am on the fence!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQnlsnTr5Y
(audience laughing hard)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9bwfgznaJ
[He gets on a roll]469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVC2feqCrLh
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WlmGgtsNk
She gave me a hug!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ801QfhJvXW
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvXOHFd70x
Hey!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLmzbyqeyF
What is the worst combination of illnesses?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5p2os8SWOV
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsbnmmpXxSk
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1iGVNE2LKJ
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlqtRQyBdw
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPPJ3R4APK
How do you get a squirrel to like you?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24AxvQqpGm
Act like a nut.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnrjXfZUQo
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAAINFUSLTL
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwoZsaVwHUS
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ33NMrGC6d
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL842cyXNGR
So I Left.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WvBoGCfCG
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdL1bRqmKam
"The steaks were pretty high!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4A8XZEOIPT
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqbjOm5fgQ
Goodnight!"469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLEccHnKD6G
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHetdfr4Mb7
He went home happier469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO4dcCn4G8S
than he ever
Dreamed!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNgjeKjnEff
469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3tjDnCWtgP
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.95da2
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