I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKEpkcKHCW
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNgRw1DeWxj
It’s New Year’s Eve!343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68A84hpsOG
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGF9dcanKO
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwAmB5GRlO
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgr9qqNmfa
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEatH9fzW1F
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKB8LsWSX2
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFdo522rZA
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpkiHUE1jJ
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSGCnvU0YgN
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bitfUCFA2
God, what the hell am I thinking?343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYR8PRsERUr
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYZ8cgkW2E
343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5VWMEis6b
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsnFswgTOc
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZd9O4vX3a
Why did I come here?343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcKXFeLdK3
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdJOzwCLGY
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeRsoaMyOcm
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3L2IkvZjn
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18sXhGsZ73
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQeRb6rHeL
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxC7QYkBRI
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOVPT5nZhM
Fuck.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqKeauR6WO
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ937gXHUtHz
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6luaQMV3s
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRRm2U4KEp
What do I even say back?343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhkv9cLvpt
Lie?343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Fmwd8Edp0
“What? I’d never.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7LD2Sbnzc
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDB2Sh49RUD
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaudBUETvi
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHs9oiKNoPA
Okay, so lying didn’t work.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVopFxfXNSg
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDShvtHeHRV
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwJctvvE7A
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiX1IG5vj1O
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgomGWKWj3n
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXS1lTZp0j
I can’t take it.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBth5EZndQ
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡum1VW8tKDv
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXZu4yVuNT
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡApnLW2tt8K
“We can do the countdown out here.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQmgfFYGzp
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kMNU6VhuK
I swallow.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7OrZ3VFCq
“Just the two of us?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3MBxitmdDN
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsfRVZk1XRU
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpGujkoVqw
“Why does it matter?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpBWiVrPIO
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf4NEJXbCG8
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WPvgLpYET
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZyGyvHnsQ
“Rozzlyn.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2vWKH0Kgg
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQuce3wmkX
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnSnnzmNUb
Jesus Christ.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VZI5xOAOO
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOdjWf3ETD
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3JJ0xuXmp
His eyebrows furrow.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtrS1nJJk19
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZkci0HIh5Y
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRVsKKRM0U
“What does that mean?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hAS08Bf1s
“Where’s Nadia?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeaDxMObmVN
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmyc19ZJ3T
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9iqS38jIJd
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZn8SWPDbJG
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWmLdtyTKe
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGnX3viMcr
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdDpv7cxOv
It’s all I’m worth.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCJjtiwTGvI
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9kRryk6Vip
I’m empty.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkxB3rsEDZ
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9VmVYguy3P
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0ermPrEtf
“You stupid, stupid woman.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNgJROvL22
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXI3qPJFIDW
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLt9OmXBa8
Is this real?343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkyJWZqV5T
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrYdXbrC827
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvvAkcQYqb
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxM8pPyTwRt
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa0j0XUabRA
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1yvITl4ISX
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5T29f5rBWY
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3l7RnaIxoH
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡduXsbWjhiC
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE09gmFATix
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbWqkPfy4a
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIKWALmCBK
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6kRrM0jNHw
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPly8ve5BQn
I’ve never wanted anything more.
343Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG6ZvrRTTBr
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