櫻花合集 - 父子日記（English）

14 July, 1914, Tuesday, Cloudy205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtThUJuOKX

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When my son was a young boy,

I took him into the city

To see a marching band.

I said, “Son, when you grew up,

Would you be the saviour of the broken,

The beaten and the damned?

Your demons, and all the non-believers,

The plan that they have made.

Would you defeat them?

Because one day, I would leave you a phantom

To lead you in the summer

To join the black parade.”

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31 July, 1914, Friday, Foggy

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It was time to leave my son,

Although the sky was still dark.

I saw that he was sleeping peacefully.

But how would he feel when he woke up and could not find me?

How would he feel when he was having dinner on his own?

How would he feel when he had a nightmare and could not find me?

My wife, his mother, left us when she gave birth to him.

And no one was going to accompany him.

He was just 10!

He would be lonely if I left him!

Though I was just a poet with a short and weak body,

I still had to protect, to defend, to fight for the country.

God, please tell me, what should I do?

Would I die

Or stay alive?

Would my body be found if I died?

So I could formally say belated goodbye and sorry to my son?

Would I become a ghost if I died?

So I could accompany my son until the end?

God, would you answer me?

God, I was so confused about the future.

I knew the war was nearly beginning.

“I would fight for the country.”

I remember, when I was young, I said it proudly to my dad,

And I wrote many poems,

To tell my son to be brave,

To be strong.

But I was afraid…

Afraid of dying in the war,

Just liked a loser.

God, father, my wife, my son, please forgive me…

Forgive my weakness!

I knew I was not a good father

Because I had to go to the war

And I did not take on the responsibility of a father.

All I could do was to leave this diary to you.

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Son,

The night was so long,

And goodnight.

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1 August, 1914, Saturday, Sunny

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Dad, where were you?

Where did you go?

Why did you leave me?

I was so scared!

Did I do something wrong?

Therefore you left me?

Dad, please, please come back.

I knew I had done many wrong things before.

But Dad, please, please do not hate me!

Dad,

I swore, I would never go home late.

I swore, I would never forget to do any homework.

I swore, I would never fail the exam.

I swore, I would never get into any trouble.

I swore, I would never do any wrong things.

So Dad, could you please come back to me?

Did you know, when I looked outside the window,

The golden sunlight was shining on the marching band

And the people who sang with them.

I knew how passionate they were,

But I was not passionate,

Because the sun could not get into my heart.

Dad, you are my only sun.

When you left me,

I could only see darkness.

I could only hear silence.

I could only feel empty.

Dad, did you remember,

Once I was sitting on a bench in the park,

Watching the leaves descend slowly and lightly,

I asked you, “Dad, will you leave me just like the flower leaves the tree?”

And you answered me just a simple word,

No.

Dad, you told me not to lie,

But why were you lying?

Dad, please come back.

The roof was leaking,

The water dropped on the diary,

The pages became wet,

And words became vague,

And the water dropped in my eyes,

Things I saw become blurry,

But you were not here,

You could not fix it for me,

And I wanted to fix it,

But I was not as strong as you,

I was not as tall as you,

I could not fix it myself.

Could you please come back?

To help me fix the leaking roof?

I was so confused about the future,

I was so lost without you.

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15 February, 1919, Saturday, Raining

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In the morning,

The doorbell rang,

And brought me back,

From the memory with you,

I opened the door,

And I saw an old man,

Wearing military uniform,

Using a unchanged tone,

Just liked a machine,

To tell me about your death.

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I then followed him to the hospital,

But when I passed through the soldier,

That was guarding the door,

And went into your ward,

The room was silence,

I could only see a beautiful straight horizontal line,

On a unknown machine,

I walked next to you,

I saw your haggard face,

Without the smile you always shows me,

And I opened your clenched fist,

I tried to drag your hand,

To feel your temperature,

To feel that you are with me,

Just liked what we did when I was small,

But now,

It was cold,

And stiff.

And I saw a paper,

With some red dots on it,

That you hold in your hand,

I picked it up,

And when I opened it,

I saw the words you wrote on it.

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“I tried to be perfect,

But nothing was worth it,

I do not believe it makes me real,

But I want to be your perfect model.

I am not afraid to keep on living,

I am not afraid to walk this world alone,

I know there is nothing I could say,

To change that I will leave you,

But if I stay, will I be forgiven?

Will things be better if I stay?

And son,

When my time comes,

Forget the wrong that I have done,

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed,

And do not resent me,

And when you are feeling empty,

Keep me in your memory,

Leave out all the rest,

Just leave out all the rest.”

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I gently wiped the invisible sand in your eyes,

And I finally saw your clear eyes,

through the window of the soul,

I could feel lost,

And tired,

And lonely,

And compunction,

And grieved,

And hurt.

I then slightly pulled your eyelid down,

To let you sleep peacefully,

But more,

It was to let me not feel those feelings,

Those feelings were knives that stab my heart,

It was so painful.

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Dad,

I also tried to be perfect,

But nothing was worth it,

I also do not believe it makes me real,

But I do not want you to worry about me anymore.

However,

You are just a man,

Not a hero,

And I am just a boy,

Not a saviour,

Both of us do not need to be perfect,

Or maybe things would be better if we admit,

And accept our imperfections,

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Dad,

I knew you are sleeping,

Because you were so tired,

And you did not need to wake up,

So your memory would carry on,

And you did not need to wake up,

Because I could take care myself now,

So you could continue to rest,

And did you know,

The roof was leaking again,

Same as five years ago,

The water dropped on the diary,

The pages became wet,

And words became vague,

And the water dropped in my eyes,

Although I was not as strong as you,

I was not as tall as you,

But you did not need to wake up,

Because I could still fix it myself.

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Dad,

The night was so long,

And goodnight.

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12 June, 1936, Sunny

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At night,

When I arrived home after working,

My son was waiting behind the door,

And asked me excitedly,

To tell him the most memorable thing in my childhood

For his life education homework,

I then looked at the thick old diary on his desk,

Which I gave him as his birthday present,

My mind then flashed back,

To the summer when I was 10,

And I said,

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“When I was a young boy,

My father took me into the city,

To see a marching band,

He said, "Son, when you grow up,

Would you be the saviour of the broken,

The beaten and the damned?"

He said, "Would you defeat them?

Your demons, and all the non-believers,

The plans that they have made?"

"Because one day, I would leave you a phantom,

To lead you in the summer,

To join the black parade"”

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