The next morning I woke up to the smell of eggs and pancakes, instead of the usual eggs and bacon. I picked a black short-sleeved t-shirt and blue jeans, I had no intentions of dressing up for a ‘death ceremony’. I didn’t eat breakfast because my appetite was still non-existent. Both Amanda and Ethan tried to greet me with a warm smile but I just made my way outside without looking at either of them. 120Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFZIzbI9zg
The church was about ten-minutes away from the house. They had scheduled for a two hour church service in memoriam of my parents and my little brother. I hadn’t written anything, even though I knew there would be a service for them-- especially my father-- considering his standing in the community. He was an emergency room doctor and had saved many lives during his ten plus years at Fallsfiance Heights Hospital. 120Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZRWM8zN4e
When we walked in, the Organ was already playing and people were seated in their individual pews. We sat in the front row because we're next of kin to my mother. The pastor walked up to the podium to begin the service.
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“The Lord be with you.”
“And also with you.” The congregation responded.
“We are here today to remember Elizabeth, Henry, and Oliver Walker.”
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Hearing their names spoken so casually with no sign of remorse in his words. Their deaths weighed heavy on my heart and my conscience. I just felt angry, guilty, regretful and sick to my stomach. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run until my legs gave out. I wanted to make myself burn like my family and my home. I wanted to end my life, whether or not it was in this church didn’t matter. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted it all to stop. Sitting here, listening to eulogies-- none of them concerning my mom or my brother-- made time feel unbearably slow. 120Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHM8MA6YndH
The only thing-- or rather, person-- keeping me here, sat down in this pew, is the fact that Ethan is here next to me. I realized I hadn’t let go of his hand since we got here when I felt his fingers moving so he could stretch his hand.
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“I’m sorry I didn’t realize-”
“No, it’s alright. I really don’t mind.” He cut me off, holding his hand out.
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I put my hand in his hesitantly, he closed his hand around mine. I felt safe with him, I rested my head on his shoulder and I felt him tense up. I didn’t care about apologizing at that moment. All I cared about was that I had someone. I didn’t feel alone anymore. In fact, I felt happy for the first time in a while. I wanted to stay like this with him forever, I wanted to tell him how I felt. 120Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmri3jLgxxr
But as fast as the feeling appeared, the fear hit me. ‘How was I gonna tell him? Would he avoid me? Would he hate me? Would he even like me back?...’ 120Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1EZajM6Uw
After the readings, hymns, and the other eulogies read for my father it ended with the burial that we didn’t attend. I didn’t want that to be my last memory, seeing my mom buried like garbage. Left to rot away. I couldn’t even stand seeing the five foot coffin they had my brother in. Seeing him buried would be awful... I want to remember him how he was. I don’t want this... 120Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJeKMQgry1
I left the memories of them behind at the funeral. They never left the church doors. But I still felt broken beyond repair..120Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtsZopxP2HV
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