The next week after the news story was filled with flowers, cards, and empty ‘I’m so sorry’s’ from people I didn’t even know. They didn’t know me either, just that I’m some orphan from the news. People are so insensitive, I don’t want any of this attention, I don’t need any of this attention, and I definitely don’t believe for one second that they mean any of the condolences they say and write in these stupid cards. 131Please respect copyright.PENANAA6cvcslqa8
I saved the flowers but I ripped up their dumb letters and cards in a fit of rage. They say they understand my pain, but none of them do. They don’t understand me. They don’t know me. And they sure as hell don’t mean the words they write. Some nights I just want to scream at the top of my lungs until I’m hoarse, I want to go on the news and tell them to leave me alone. I’ve been at this hospital, trapped between four white walls. Even when the fire was happening I felt trapped, but all of this has left me feeling more trapped than I’ve ever felt in my life. It’s almost like I’m watching my life go by and I can’t do anything to change my course of action. It’s like I never had a choice, whether I win or lose. Some days I just want to stop trying, some days it’s just not worth it anymore. I want to stop crying, and I want my mind-- and the world-- to stop reminding me how alone I am. I want to stop the noise, I want to stop faking it because it’s not fooling anybody. They all see that I’m hurting but they still didn’t let me die that day. I know it’s a selfish thing to do, let alone think about, but If I ended it today all the pain would stop. No more noise. I'd be able to hold my family again...
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“Nicole?” The nurse blurted, breaking into my thoughts. “There’s someone here to see you.”
‘Yay... another person here to sell me empty condolences.’ I thought.
“Okay.” I replied in a flat tone.
“Hey Nicole.” A tall woman with long brown hair walked into the room and sat on the stool next to my bed.
“Hi.” I replied.
“I’m Amanda Jones. I’m going to be your social worker until we can find you a new home.”
“You aren’t going to leave me with creeps are you?” I asked.
“No,” She laughed. “I’ll make sure you get sent to a safe, and healthy home.” She smiled reassuringly.
“Okay. Thanks.”
“Well, let’s leave here and get you into a warm bed for the night.”
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Tears started to well up in my eyes. It had finally hit me that my family was long gone. That I would never be able to hold my brother and sing him lullabies. I would never be able to talk to my mom about school or listen to my dad’s lame jokes. As much as I resented my father, he always knew how to brighten my day.
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“It’s alright,” She pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back lightly. “You’re safe now. I’ll make sure I take good care of you as long as you’re under my care.”
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The hug made me stand rigid and stiff at first because it had been weeks since I had last felt the embrace of anyone. After a few seconds I let the embrace happen and I started sobbing and clinging to Amanda. Her brown, wavy hair and the smell of her perfume reminded me of my mom. The way she held me tighter the more I cried just made me cry even more. I think we stood there for a good ten minutes as I cried. When I finally managed to let go I noticed that she had tears in her eyes.
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“I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to make you cry too.” I stammered.
“No, it’s alright.” She wiped away the tears that threatened to cascade down her face. “It just had me a little choked up is all.”
I sighed in relief, allowing a small smile to form.
“Well, enough with the heavy.” She smiled. “Let’s go get you into a warm bed for tonight, yeah?” She held my hand as we walked out.
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I shut the door on what had been my room for the past three weeks. The sound of the latch as the door closed echoed in my head and made my ears ring. It felt like time was moving really slow.131Please respect copyright.PENANA9C7u2dImoN
The chilly evening air hit me like a ton of bricks. The breeze hit me and it felt as if my skin could breathe again. After being in a stuffy room for four weeks I felt free. I sat in the back passenger’s seat because Amanda had all kinds of files and her bag in the front passenger’s seat. I don’t remember when but I fell asleep on our way to the foster home.
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** (Chapter Break)
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She woke me up as we pulled up to a two story house with a sign outside that read, “Happy Home”. 131Please respect copyright.PENANAMqaDG9DtwN
The house was built with brown bricks and cypress wooden decorations, the roof is high and slanted to one side and is covered with brown roof tiles. Tall, squared windows add to the overall look of the house. The house itself is surrounded by a modest garden, with mostly grass, a few flower patches and a children's playground.131Please respect copyright.PENANA8fSsK17zfO
There was one other kid there, sleeping on the porch swing. He was tall with broad shoulders, and brown wavy hair that went to his ears from what I could see from the car. After getting out of the car I stretched, causing a few of my joints and my back to pop which was a major relief. I walked up to the porch and waited for Amanda to unlock the door before I went inside.131Please respect copyright.PENANAap89ZDfqiP
When I got inside Amanda gave me a brief tour, considering how late it was. Just inside there is a kitchen with an island in the center surrounded by tall stool chairs, and one bathroom. It also has a snug living room, and a large storage room where Amanda keeps her office. Towards the back of the house, past the kitchen, there were two bedrooms that lined the hallway. Across from them was a bathroom. She gave me the first bedroom in the hall and gave me the second. The room at the end of the hall was apparently the other kids’ room. 131Please respect copyright.PENANAO5UVRYpOgR
Before heading to bed I decided to take a peek upstairs. The second floor is smaller than the first, it has one small bedroom with a closet across the hall, and a small common area to fill the small space in front of the stairs. I assumed this was Amanda’s space so I went back downstairs and went into my room. On the right wall there was a desk with a dresser next to it. On the left wall was the bed and then a small closet across from the foot of the bed on the same wall as the door. I laid down in the bed, throwing the covers over me. I was asleep almost immediately.131Please respect copyright.PENANAtEkUioskMr