The morning to return back to Happy Home felt like it came quicker after that night. We packed the tent and all of our supplies away, made sure the fire was put out, cleaned up any garbage mess we may have left and loaded up into the truck.
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“After the other night I really didn’t want to leave.” I sighed. “I just wish we hadn’t spent so much of this trip arguing.”
He smiled. “It’s alright, we both need to try to get along better in order to tolerate each other, you know?”
“Yeah,” I smiled. “I guess you’re right.”
“Well, it was fun while it lasted.”
“I feel like towards the end, I was the only one that had fun.” I laughed.
“Trust me, I had just as much fun.” He laughed.
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Even the thought of that night gave me chills. I had never experienced anything close to that. Not even doing it myself. I didn’t do it all the time, just to take the edge off. But now that I’ve experienced it fully, I just want it more than I ever have in my life.
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“Nicci?”
“Yeah?” I replied.
“I meant it.”
“Meant what?” I laughed.
“You really are beautiful.” He looked at me for a second before returning his gaze to the road.
I wanted to smile, but I also wanted to cry. I have never let someone so close, definitely not close enough to let them see me like that. So vulnerable, and open. I was scared that I was doing the wrong thing, letting him in.
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“Are you okay? I lost you for a second.” He laughed.
“Yeah, I was just thinking.”
He looked at me, then started to pull over.
“What are you doing?”
He put the car in park and turned to face me. “Penny for your thoughts?” He held out an empty hand before opening his mouth to speak. “I- I don’t really have a penny but you get the idea.”
“Yeah,” I laughed. “Why not?”
He smiled. “Great! So what’s on your mind?”
“Well, you remember how I told you I’m scared to fall in love?”
He nodded his head in response.
“Well, um, I’m falling in love with you right now-- and after the other night-- I’m scared that there’s no turning back, you know?”124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplA7XugQeg
“Hm, well I’m sorry you’re scared-- really, I am-- but I just want you to know that I’ll be here for you, every step of the way. We can go as fast-- or as slow-- as you need. I promise I’ll never force you into anything you don’t want, okay?”
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I thought for a moment, I didn’t really know what to say in response. All I know is that he really is good for me. I felt like such a fool before, but I’m absolutely sure now. It will definitely take me a while but I think I can get used to this. I think I can get used to this.
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**(Chapter Break)
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“We can’t forget to call Amanda.” I told Ethan as we pulled into town.”
“Right,” He paused for a moment before speaking again. “There should be a payphone at the gas station.”
“Alright. Do you have change?”
“No, do you?”
“No.”
“Well shit-” Ethan replied.
“Maybe it would just be easier not to call. We’ll just be showing up at the house anyway so what does it matter?”
“You know what,” He laughed. “You’re right. We’re self-sufficient teenagers.”
I laughed. “Somewhat.”
“Eh, same difference.”
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We pulled up to Happy Home where Amanda was waiting on the porch swing. I immediately rolled down my window and waved at her like a child. She just laughed and waved back just as enthusiastically as I did. I got out of the truck and went onto the porch.
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“Hey Nicci! How was the trip?”
“Amazing would be an understatement.”
“Sounds like you two had a lot of fun.”
“You don’t even know the half of it.” I laughed, walking inside the house.
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Ethan followed me inside shortly after and sat next to me on the couch. I rested my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me. Amanda came inside, looking at us as she walked by.
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“You two have been getting awfully handsy lately.”
We both just looked at each other, she stood in front of us with her arms crossed.
“What are you two hiding? Come on, spit it out.”
“We’re dating. Officially.” We said in unison.
Her jaw dropped. “You’re what?!”
“Da-” Ethan started to say.
“I heard you loud and clear, you two barely know each other! How can you be dating?!”
“Simple, we’re both tired of being alone so now we’re together.”
“You don’t have to-” She sighed, placing her fingers to the bridge of her nose in exasperation. “You know what, I’m not gonna fight it anymore.” She sighed. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1obxGAEcs9
I rolled my eyes. “Can you believe that?”
“Yeah, we didn’t do anything wrong. A lot of people date before becoming friends.” He replied.
“Wait, were we not friends before?”
“I mean, not really. We were more like acquaintances.”
“Right, makes sense.” I replied.
“So, what do you wanna do?”
“I don’t know,” I replied. “Got any ideas?”
“Hm, how about we just go for a walk?” He smiled. “We don’t have to go anywhere, just being with you is worthwhile.”
“Sure. Walks are nice.” I smiled. Usually, I wouldn’t smile because it makes me feel weak, but he just does something to me.
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I went to my room and put on a black, v-neck t-shirt, blue jeans, and tied a thick flannel, button-down overshirt around my waist just in case it got chilly. I assumed Ethan would grab a jacket and give it to me, but I hate that. It’s so awkward. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdVAUnpzKz
It’s like, oh man it’s cold. But here, take my only source of warmth. Then you just feel bad so it’s uncomfortable wearing it, besides that it’s someone else’s clothes. So, it’s better to be safe than to suffer, whether that’s without a jacket or with his. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHDkDFpFsH
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Ethan knocked before stepping inside, “You ready?” He asked.
I sighed, looking around. “I think so.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWM1LAcphlh
“Alright, let’s head out.” He smiled.
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I smiled back, but only a little. Just to be polite. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6mLlQKDfJ
Just as I predicted, Ethan brought a jacket around his waist on our walk. He kept asking me if I felt cold. I kept telling him no because it was beautiful out.
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“Are you sure you’re alright? You don't wanna borrow my-” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvMXzDXbm2
“No Ethan, I don’t want to borrow your jacket. I’m fine. I told you, it’s nice out right now.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlS7iJic8Pq
“Do you have a problem with sharing jackets?” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtpoNfpJhX7
“Yes. I think it’s awkward.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQu0o0KQVqN
“Why?” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuiXfIx302i
I scoffed. “You’d give up your jacket just to keep me warm? I can’t possibly be comfortable with it because I’d feel bad the whole time. And besides that, it’s your clothes!” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYw8nLY5jj
“You looked good in my t-shirt last night. You had no problem with it.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPAstpLHneX
“That’s different.” I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUopQsLjoe
“How?” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0m75X18x3
“I don’t know, it just is.” I replied, exasperated with the topic. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgDblk6vNv
“Fine. I’ll drop it.” He replied. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pxHbapFWi
“We have to stop arguing like this. It’s not healthy.” I blurted. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EJQBY2KYZ
“Yeah,” He sighed. “You’re right. I don’t know why we keep arguing.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBv4FSeN3l
“Me either. But it has to stop, for the sake of our relationship.”
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I paused for a moment, trying to think of what to say. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSuMQkbgQLu
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“I’m so sorry I’ve been so defensive lately. I feel like that’s the root of our problems.” I sighed. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8h6MFz98Z3
“That and how insensitive I’ve been.” He replied. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAOAGhVZhe
“It’s just been a rough couple of weeks, ya know?” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qKYIjOYbG
“I understand. It’s not exactly easy losing your entire family in the course of one day.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ZRuJ3zHqx
“Seems like you know the feeling.” I replied. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRBNBMwlyKd
“Somewhat.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtsmOjYOXqz
“What do you mean?” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwJwgvGZFD
“It’s complicated.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7vE1ILGDt
“I think I can keep up.” I replied. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgbqwpX7igt
“Well, um, my mom took us to the park and left me in charge of my little brother, Zack. She turned her back for maybe a few seconds and this lady ran up to me and my brother, stabbed me, took him, and ran off. I just laid there screaming in pain. My mother heard me screaming and ran over to me. Then she noticed that Zack was gone. I just saw it in her eyes, her heart dropped.”
“Ethan I-” I stammered. “That’s awful.”
“That’s just the tip of the iceberg.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlTBEAkAlP
“What?” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4t2DBCtBT
“Well, I’m not an orphan for no reason. I’m not with Amanda for fun. If I had parents, I’d be with them now.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3fpZkfikY
“Oh. Right.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLwsnJxUeBb
“Anyways, that same day we had police at our house to try and find my little brother. My mom wouldn’t leave her room or even eat unless detectives were at our house. If she ever did come out when it was just me and her, she’d just sit by the landline at the kitchen table.” He sighed. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKbZGql0bSK
“You don’t have to keep going if you can’t.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhaUXQXboJ
“No, I want to. I have to get this out.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlMdzkGo4Y5
“Alright, just take your time.” At this point we were sitting at a park bench. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKEfxDui4x
“She fell into such a deep depression. She just kept looking worse and worse. It was like pulling teeth just to get her to eat. During all of this my dad got so sick of dealing with her that he just left. He made no effort to comfort her. This sent her into an even worse downward spiral.” He sighed. “I’m sure you know how this ends.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvS4XVlnN2
“They didn’t find your brother did they...” I didn’t even know him or his mom but I was getting teary-eyed. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkdk5zXoqx
“No. The police came to our house about a week after my dad left to let us know that they’d found my brother’s body in a ditch near the lake.”
“Oh my god- That's disgusting-” I felt sick to my stomach. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzyOdYKqKNu
“What’s even more disgusting is what my mom did to herself. She couldn’t take it anymore. It was just blow after blow. This did it for her. I found her face down in the kitchen the next morning. She was breathing, but barely. I called 911 and they got her to the emergency room but by then it was too late.”
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A few tears escaped and rolled down his cheeks. His voice was really shaky. “She died three hours later. A nurse let me know that she died of a drug overdose. I didn’t even stay to collect any belongings from my mom or my house. I left everything behind and ran away. Amanda found me at the bus stop near Happy Home and I’ve stayed there ever since.”
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I just pulled him in and held him as he sobbed. Gut-wrenching sobs. “I’m so sorry.” I whispered.
“I love you.” He whispered.
I started crying silently. “I love you too.”
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He looked at me, wiping my tears. I smiled softly, laughing a little, leaning into his hand.
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“You’re so beautiful when you smile.” He whispered, smiling a little too. He cupped my cheek in his hand before leaning in to kiss me.
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He tasted like mint, and his lips were soft. His hands were traveling along my body, leaving chills everywhere he touched. It caused me to moan softly.
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We parted for a second.
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“You get aroused easily.” He chuckled.
“You’re the first guy to ever touch me like this. I’ve never even kissed anyone before you so it’s not hard to get aroused when you touch me.”
“You’re kidding? You’re seventeen and you’ve never even-”
“No. Is that bad?”
“No no no, of course not. It’s perfectly fine. I’m just surprised.” He sighed. Not knowing what to say.
“So, you’re serious? You’ve never even messed around before?”
“No. I guess I just hadn’t found the right guy.”
He laughed. “Where have you been all my life?”
“Waiting.”
“Everytime I’m near you. Everytime you touch me, I just want you more and more. I can hardly stand it.” I said.
“I wanted you the second I saw you.”
“What-”
“I didn’t want to come on so strong.”
“But you made me think-” I scoffed. “You made me feel so stupid! You made me feel like you didn’t want me, that I was coming on too strong. What the hell Ethan!”
“I’m sorry. Nicci, we were having a moment.”
“Yeah, until I went and ruined it with my stupid emotions, right?!” I scoffed, getting up from the bench. “You just think I’m so stupid- so naïve, that I’d keep letting you back in everytime you say you’re sorry even though I know you’re lying?!”
“I didn’t say that.”
“But that's all you’ve done. You lie, and you’re so insensitive. But the second you tell me you’re sorry, and you hit the right spot, I come right back.” I sighed. “Maybe I am stupid. Stupid to ever love you.”
“Nicci. Stop.” He said as he held my shoulders. “Think about this, please.”
“You. Lied.” My voice was strained as I tried to hold back sobs.
“I lied because I thought I was protecting you. But I NEVER lied when I told you I loved you.”
“Why should I believe you...” I sighed, trying not to cry. “Why should I trust you... After everything you’ve put me through.”
“What about everything I’ve helped you through, huh?! Does that mean nothing to you?!” He yelled, visibly upset.
“If you don’t want me, you can just leave...” I sighed.
“No Nicci you don't get to do that. It's your fault we’re even having this argument in the first place!”
“My fault?!”
“YES! if you hadn’t gotten defensive and in-your-feels, this wouldn’t be happening! Just face it Nicci, YOU’RE the problem!” He stormed off. Not even bothering with me anymore.
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You’re the problem.
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He was blunt. But he was right. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. I should have died in that house. I shouldn’t be here. I never should have come here; I never should have fallen for him. I cause more damage than it’s worth. I should leave, runaway. I have my iPod Touch, the charger, and my headphones. It’s all I’ll need. I’ve found that in times of crisis, music keeps me sane. It helps me keep my bearings. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Y7T8c40cG
I decided that the mall nearby was my best bet. I could just stay there until they came looking for me or until someone calls the police. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOFke5x0Wd
** 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURdjRNNCqS
Once I got there I went straight for the bathrooms and stayed in one of the small stalls. The bathrooms were huge so it’s not like anyone would care that I’m here, there’s plenty of other stalls. I was at one of the last ones so there was a wall. I just sat on the floor next to the toilet, and leaned my head against the wall. It wasn’t the most sanitary spot but at least it wasn’t on the streets somewhere.
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Ethan’s POV
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“Why is she like this?!” I exclaimed.
“She’s going through a lot right now.” Amanda replied.
“But you don’t understand! She acts so bipolar!”
“Ethan. You know what it’s like, you’ve been in her position. I wasn’t very fond of you. In fact, I had gotten sick of your mood swings. I almost considered sending you somewhere else.”
I sighed. “I wish I had this mindset two hours ago...”
“What are you talking about?”
“I told her she was the problem...”
“Ethan!” She exclaimed.
“I was in a different mindset! I was so fed up and angry, I didn’t-”
“That is no excuse! She is going through more than you ever did right now! You have to think about this kind of stuff Ethan! We’ve been talking about that for months.”
“Don’t you think I know that!”
“Apparently not.” She looked at me with angry eyes. “Where is she?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?! Weren’t you with her?!”
“Yes, but I left her at the park when I stormed off.”
“Great,” She scoffed. “So not only did you talk to her like shit but you ditched her?! What is wrong with you?!”
“I’m sure she’s fine. She couldn’t have gone far from the park.”
“You don’t know what she’ll do. Her mental health is really bad right now.”
“And mine isn’t?” I replied flatly.
She just looked at me. “Your wound isn’t as fresh. Yours is healing, hers isn’t. It’s only been a week since the funeral.”
“So what? I’m just supposed to let her guilt trip me?”
“No, Ethan, you’re supposed to console her. As her boyfriend you have to be there for her, try to understand her. If you can’t do that the least you can do is listen and be a shoulder for her.”
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It finally hit me- the second she said the word ‘boyfriend’ it hit me. I made a promise to her. I promised I’d never hurt her. But that’s exactly what I did. No matter how mad I was at her, that was no excuse to hurt her like that... I knew everything she went through and I still hurt her. Nicci was right... I am insensitive. And maybe she was a fool to fall for me. But I’m a bigger fool for letting her, just to hurt her. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODc81HnFFU
No matter what my reason was, blaming her for everything that has gone wrong in our relationship was the dumbest stunt I ever pulled. And trust me, I’ve done a lot of messed up shit that I probably should not have done. The only difference now is I regret this decision-- immensely regret it. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe8vXgtq5dp
I want to fix it. I have to make this right. She could be dead in a lake somewhere because of what I said. I didn’t stop and think of what she might do to herself. And I should have, I really should have...124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkM36QvwZl3
All of a sudden, the land line rang and Amanda picked up. “Hello?” She stood there, biting her nails. “Mhm.” All motion stopped and her face went flush. “She is?” Her voice broke. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” She hung up the phone not even bothering with pleasantries.
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“What happened?” I blurted as she rushed past me.
“Nicci’s in the ICU.”
“What?! Why?!”
“Someone found her bleeding out in the bathroom at the mall. When the EMTs got there, she was unconscious.”
“Did someone hurt her?” I asked.
“No, Ethan.” She sighed. “What did I tell you about her mental state?”
“Was she-”
“Yes.”
“Where the hell did she get a blade?!”
“I don’t know, but that’s not the main concern right now. I just need to know that she’s okay.”
“Well obviously not! She got herself put in the fucking ICU!” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV71jYUdv38
“Ethan!” Amanda shouted. “You have no right to be mad! Had you not been insensitive and selfish, she wouldn’t have felt the need to do this to herself. You made her feel worthless!” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDOv1BsNDl
“I didn’t make her do anything! She chose to do this. I didn’t slit her wrists for her!” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwgQGt2h3G
“Do you even realize how selfish you sound right now?” She scoffed. “Whatever, I’m done with this argument. Let’s go.” 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetKiVbepHo
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Amanda grabbed her car keys and we went out the front door. It usually takes about thirty minutes from the house to get to the hospital but with Amanda’s speeding, it took fifteen.
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“I don’t want to go in.” I said as she put the car in park.
“You don’t really have a choice.” She replied.
I just sighed, putting my head in my hands.
She scoffed. “Why won’t you go in?”
I looked up from my hands. “Because.”
“Because why, Ethan? Don’t be such a child.”
“Because I won’t be able to handle seeing the damage I caused!” I yelled.
“You should have thought about that before you caused it. Let’s go.”
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Despite the fact that I didn’t want to go inside, she made me go anyway. For the first time in my life I was actually nervous. I have never had anxiety over anything. I’ve always been a confident person, but I don't feel that now.124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtZcSpWm3E
Once we got inside Amanda signed in while I sat in the waiting room. I looked around at the bleach-white walls. The smell of peroxide burned my nose. I’ve never liked hospitals, not since… hospitals are the only places that give me anxiety. Besides seeing Nicci in the ICU because of something I said, it’s the trauma of my mother’s death that makes me nervous whenever I’m inside a hospital-- or even near one.
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“They said we can go see her,” Amanda blurted, snapping me out of my thoughts. I didn’t even hear her sit next to me. “But she’s not awake.”
“Is she-”
“No. She’s just in a coma. They said they don’t expect her to wake up for at least a month.” She replied. Her face was pale, like she’d seen a ghost. I’ve never seen her like this.
“Can we go see her?” I replied softly. I need to stop acting selfish and do the right thing.
“Yeah,” She smiled. “Yeah of course.”
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We made our way down the ICU hall with the doctor that attended to Nicci’s injuries. They put in room 108, the last one in the hall. I could only see her face through the small, narrow window on the door. Her hair was a mess and she was pale. She looked awful. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat so I could calm down.
When we stepped inside my heart dropped and I felt sick to my stomach. Her whole body was pale, there was blood already soaking through the bandages on both of her fore-arms. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2Aib4l6MP
I looked over at Amanda to see her standing at Nicci’s side, all of the color drained from her face. She put her hands over her mouth as she sobbed. Heart-breaking, gut wrenching sobs. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHhjTjJNku
I stood by the side of her bed that was closest to the door as tears streamed down my face.
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“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “If you come out of this, I swear I will never hurt you, or make you feel worthless, ever again.”
I got down on my knees and held her hand, resting my head on her bed. “Please come back to me. I can’t do this without you…” I sobbed. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwDOe0nJf0
“Ethan, we need to go.” Amanda blurted, her voice faded from all the crying.
“No. I’m not leaving her side until she’s okay.” I cried.
“Ethan. Now.” She replied sternly.
“I don’t care what you say, I’m not leaving.”
“You know what,” She sighed. “I’m not gonna fight you on this.”
“Good. Don’t waste your breath.”
“You are turning out to be just like your father. Entitled and selfish.” She replied flatly, before leaving the room.
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I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t, I was too angry. All I could feel was hatred for her comparing me to my deadbeat father. 124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZACEnj5KT
This wasn’t about anyone else-- not even me-- anymore. This was about Nicci. I have to fix what I broke, starting with staying by her side until she wakes up. Even after that. I won’t leave this room until she’s allowed to.
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“Is everything alright in here?” A nurse popped into the room.
“Not really.” I sniffed.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Is that really in your job description?” I chuckled.
“No, but I’m on break so,” She smiled. “Penny for your thoughts?”
“Um. Sure.” I sighed. “So uh, this is my girlfriend. Nicci.”
“Aw. young love.” She smiled.
“I don’t know If I’d call it love.” I replied flatly.
“Why not?”
“She just lost her whole family-- we’re both orphans-- so her mental state is very fragile right now. And I just said the worst thing you could possibly say to someone who’s depressed and suicidal.”
“What did you say-” She gasped.
“I said she was the problem in our relationship.”
“That’s-” She stammered. “Why would you say that?”
“I was angry. Everyone says stuff they don’t mean when they’re angry. And besides, I just found out today that she’s suicidal. She’s never said anything to me about her mental state. I just feel awful, I made her feel like she had to do this.”
“You made her feel worthless.”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “I feel like I deserve to live with my actions if she doesn’t come back from this.”
“She’ll make it kiddo.” She smiled reassuringly. “Come here.” She held her arms out, offering a hug. I gladly accepted.
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She held me for a minute before heading back out to monitor the halls and other rooms. I couldn’t stop looking at Nicci, but at the same time I wish I couldn’t see her. Seeing the damage I caused-- and being in a hospital in general-- makes me sick to my stomach. The fact that they found her in the same state they found my mom-- face down and practically lifeless-- made my head spin. The trauma was flooding in, making me feel like I was going to explode.
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I grabbed an extra blanket that they set out on the couch next to her bed and covered up, laying down on the couch. It wasn’t like my bed at home but it was better than sleeping in a chair like at other hospitals. Sleep came easier than I thought it would, especially with everything on my mind124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsoDryjpd9x
and then Add to home screen.