《狂亂文字》財洛 2021-12 - 才落

我在書枱前呆了大半日。熱茶已涼，但我未嚐半口，心思都在眼前電腦屏幕上——剛輸入的文字不停被刪。字越少，心越亂，人越躁。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEH7By5Bo8
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不了。受不了。我離座往廚房換茶去。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmDvnLu6Tt
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYbp7tTU6Hm
廳中老妻瞄我半眼，大概知道發生甚麼事，沒有作聲，繼續看電視。我對她的不表態不勝感激——她以最聰明的方法維護我的尊嚴。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbJxy3jg5A
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滾水撞上茶葉，水仙香氣隨著冉升白煙溢散開去。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfoaJt2C7Q
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壓力似乎一併消散。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfOtT8TBI3
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茶盡。我再續杯。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4niNBVQ5L8
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添茶不是長遠之計——屏幕白頁上始終沒有片言隻字。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEiwnSBLl5K
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsQWaUyrFu
嘆一口氣，慨嘆自己太天真可愛。怎麼會相信自己有寫作天分，而且一信就是幾十年。幾十年來，不停寫，不停發表，不停被無視。我只得不停安慰自己說旁人不識貨。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexOb2Xk75s
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口不對心。心裡其實清楚自己料子如何。但我還是堅持寫下去。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnL53wT5B9C
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWuyzajeZ1
是習慣、面子、尊嚴緣故，更是不想承認自己做了一個長達幾十年的白日夢。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmtb9LDtWY1
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夢醒一場空。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3zJJw7lXA
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1SBcc17A2
我本平庸，無甚專長，唯獨寫作能力相對身邊友儕略高丁點。丁點而已，卻足以讓我樂透幾十年。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQIOCKX8gE
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrGGZB7d3T
工作不順利時，我會告訴自己——我的專長不在工作上，所以被罵亦是無可厚非；人際關係不如意時，我會告訴自己——如果世人只能用文字溝通，我該是表達能力最好的人；走倒運時，我會告訴自己——我正在為快要誕生的偉大作品累積靈感……227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2fhbOsTECf
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一切都是有意義的。如果我真有寫作天分的話。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡac12YxIqXm
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqrF2wm3AH
捧著熱茶回到座位。身在心在能力不在。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk1ks64aUVt
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在刺眼的屏幕白頁前，我又嘆一口氣。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiw00ADFPU
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我不曾長大，仍是幾十年前那個我，沉浸在中文老師讚賞的我。同學們紛表羨慕我的寫作天份，請教我如何想出精彩故事、練出動人文筆。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGepHx4B97
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我沾沾自喜。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFd8gqYibp2
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細心回想，我當時已覺竅門不在天分，而是努力。努力鑽研文字的運用，努力細味名著佳作當中的韻味，努力思考故事情節起伏，努力觀察分析人世百態……名副其實的將勤補拙。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPUDB3gYap4
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但我沒有向同學們坦白。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDxB3oZZut
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因為我喜歡被讚賞的感覺。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPoN5upTXL
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努力，努力，努力。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5aTHVcltc
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我的寫作技巧與日俱增，亦在多個學屆寫作比賽中獲獎。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtg5WxYhaH8
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我以為自己將來鐵定能夠成為作家。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34niPxoqAh
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以為。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczGQhhSIW5
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告別校園後，我成為一個普通文職。普通收入，普通打扮，普通生活。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPAH4tC71Ev
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普通得輕易被取代。普通得難以承受。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5mCXQhWaa
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我不得不告訴自己我是多麼的有寫作天份！我是多麼的獨特！227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJO7qxLWzy
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDegLaqz4m
某夜下班回家，我泡了一壺水仙，乘著茶香全情投入寫作世界。沒有外物打擾，我的世界只有我。一切如願。那麼順心，那麼安寧，那麼快樂。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZwrPWkOhi
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我的作品感動了我。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTU6Dnyr40Y
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我希望藉此找到更多懂我的人。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVJL3SPHPR
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aGFwl665f
幾十年來，不停寫，不停發表，不停被無視。我的世界與真實世界不斷相互碰撞。面對無止境的打擊，我不曾問自己為何堅持。因為一旦心生此等疑問，變相在內心種下「自我質疑」的根苗，一發不可收拾。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5XMy4HDNY
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無法接受自己幾十年堅持建基於一個沒可能實現的夢想。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGqAG6eASM
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無法承受自己生來就是如此普通、平凡、平庸……227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA79tAn2xQo
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熱茶又涼了。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WujavUYtQ
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡORgT4IN6Zh
屏幕白頁上始終沒有片言隻字。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfu2S4KJKH
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gGkkwhyJb
老妻繼續以不表態維護我的尊嚴。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIS9MQvYYAo
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我的作品只感動了我。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlPF64KUnA
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOG4kBrdxN
因為我的感受只有我讀得懂。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHMz3lFfzzp