《狂亂文字》財洛 2021-12 - 才落

我在書枱前呆了大半日。熱茶已涼，但我未嚐半口，心思都在眼前電腦屏幕上——剛輸入的文字不停被刪。字越少，心越亂，人越躁。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ81Tf0oytoz
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不了。受不了。我離座往廚房換茶去。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZphP3F9K3Q
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjqSYKwTRh
廳中老妻瞄我半眼，大概知道發生甚麼事，沒有作聲，繼續看電視。我對她的不表態不勝感激——她以最聰明的方法維護我的尊嚴。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBgH29YhdK7
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvgeuGX04yp
滾水撞上茶葉，水仙香氣隨著冉升白煙溢散開去。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqo2STC2jy0
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDkQnYg9GS
壓力似乎一併消散。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DmmHrITuC
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡARN5VCG0jv
茶盡。我再續杯。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6CqAQVo5a
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ242CXnIQ95
添茶不是長遠之計——屏幕白頁上始終沒有片言隻字。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86YQvMa9Gn
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2owVwXxILd
嘆一口氣，慨嘆自己太天真可愛。怎麼會相信自己有寫作天分，而且一信就是幾十年。幾十年來，不停寫，不停發表，不停被無視。我只得不停安慰自己說旁人不識貨。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJEN1634uw
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2sVsBLcvi
口不對心。心裡其實清楚自己料子如何。但我還是堅持寫下去。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXujeEeSuI
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qoUJgvvwP
是習慣、面子、尊嚴緣故，更是不想承認自己做了一個長達幾十年的白日夢。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnb2MivdpbD
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHgYuVW3WV
夢醒一場空。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTDW1szsuT
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlADsWYlKq
我本平庸，無甚專長，唯獨寫作能力相對身邊友儕略高丁點。丁點而已，卻足以讓我樂透幾十年。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNdqtPWZfvI
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIlwadnuma
工作不順利時，我會告訴自己——我的專長不在工作上，所以被罵亦是無可厚非；人際關係不如意時，我會告訴自己——如果世人只能用文字溝通，我該是表達能力最好的人；走倒運時，我會告訴自己——我正在為快要誕生的偉大作品累積靈感……521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufwjfXigap
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbrNXUgBd3
一切都是有意義的。如果我真有寫作天分的話。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwdVwMXu1u
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOTrEQWHrh
捧著熱茶回到座位。身在心在能力不在。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsSBBKqvLua
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3mZbst2nY
在刺眼的屏幕白頁前，我又嘆一口氣。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7g51ZVBe8
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFG1bbumiq
我不曾長大，仍是幾十年前那個我，沉浸在中文老師讚賞的我。同學們紛表羨慕我的寫作天份，請教我如何想出精彩故事、練出動人文筆。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMdSqVbgbr
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxt0vHOCiHN
我沾沾自喜。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxyfukRPYn7
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjEjbewsfV
細心回想，我當時已覺竅門不在天分，而是努力。努力鑽研文字的運用，努力細味名著佳作當中的韻味，努力思考故事情節起伏，努力觀察分析人世百態……名副其實的將勤補拙。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUwJM1M2Da
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69gExd4X4g
但我沒有向同學們坦白。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡclTigUxf2o
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzeBnX3u0LZ
因為我喜歡被讚賞的感覺。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa792wqUR8d
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56KcELhMXo
努力，努力，努力。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqiwufjItVz
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFsm5RXePg
我的寫作技巧與日俱增，亦在多個學屆寫作比賽中獲獎。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpKkUjS2YI
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNBrylGCks
我以為自己將來鐵定能夠成為作家。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NIvjiF5Ct
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以為。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVaJWySUoIo
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkOyanlrZq
告別校園後，我成為一個普通文職。普通收入，普通打扮，普通生活。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0bhGmf5so
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡklKBmzs8g8
普通得輕易被取代。普通得難以承受。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrcOWmVABUR
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WJNYfVWze
我不得不告訴自己我是多麼的有寫作天份！我是多麼的獨特！521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2QNdzpxOgO
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyFSo3LCoq
某夜下班回家，我泡了一壺水仙，乘著茶香全情投入寫作世界。沒有外物打擾，我的世界只有我。一切如願。那麼順心，那麼安寧，那麼快樂。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLat5V2Tc7o
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5oriw3DsWP
我的作品感動了我。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMPVhkAWSF
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGS7Qzwt9RD
我希望藉此找到更多懂我的人。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gUp5tttOo
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8OpOaftmu
幾十年來，不停寫，不停發表，不停被無視。我的世界與真實世界不斷相互碰撞。面對無止境的打擊，我不曾問自己為何堅持。因為一旦心生此等疑問，變相在內心種下「自我質疑」的根苗，一發不可收拾。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvWVAXzBUqq
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoRfC6njBt
無法接受自己幾十年堅持建基於一個沒可能實現的夢想。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpr93WBnsC
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBs7orTvdt
無法承受自己生來就是如此普通、平凡、平庸……521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVKMKOq8GiZ
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeOy0Bac72D
熱茶又涼了。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTTmEvrRi8u
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPYsLtOZDem
屏幕白頁上始終沒有片言隻字。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMe8SFC9i0
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIq8TTeTEE3
老妻繼續以不表態維護我的尊嚴。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ81AqOpkOgo
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvE7wevfk1G
我的作品只感動了我。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVAQWnLHUt
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGdADUMBUf
因為我的感受只有我讀得懂。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOlEh8C0PCe