《狂亂文字》財洛 2021-12 - 才落

我在書枱前呆了大半日。熱茶已涼，但我未嚐半口，心思都在眼前電腦屏幕上——剛輸入的文字不停被刪。字越少，心越亂，人越躁。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYeKxmwG5R
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXyvzHHN1E
不了。受不了。我離座往廚房換茶去。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSyTzXlaG4V
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpeYXskpqo9
廳中老妻瞄我半眼，大概知道發生甚麼事，沒有作聲，繼續看電視。我對她的不表態不勝感激——她以最聰明的方法維護我的尊嚴。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJTKDbUhmw
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7nzLcNCiNW
滾水撞上茶葉，水仙香氣隨著冉升白煙溢散開去。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxL2TWqBdNx
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HEBewNdqd
壓力似乎一併消散。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9xwdGFD4Tg
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjlzK304IUD
茶盡。我再續杯。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMnCTmQmDUg
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKkzYHhYHWI
添茶不是長遠之計——屏幕白頁上始終沒有片言隻字。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3zrHd9EIm
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQA1PAu0uA
嘆一口氣，慨嘆自己太天真可愛。怎麼會相信自己有寫作天分，而且一信就是幾十年。幾十年來，不停寫，不停發表，不停被無視。我只得不停安慰自己說旁人不識貨。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTeMhqszcl5
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfrTYKxUfQ
口不對心。心裡其實清楚自己料子如何。但我還是堅持寫下去。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOlQVVD45Jf
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYB8BzyGui
是習慣、面子、尊嚴緣故，更是不想承認自己做了一個長達幾十年的白日夢。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJV7Yb8P62
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkpAAkmaco
夢醒一場空。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8rZwP91twS
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTld3PcNXmZ
我本平庸，無甚專長，唯獨寫作能力相對身邊友儕略高丁點。丁點而已，卻足以讓我樂透幾十年。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFmgtUQyT3
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfmUGulABA
工作不順利時，我會告訴自己——我的專長不在工作上，所以被罵亦是無可厚非；人際關係不如意時，我會告訴自己——如果世人只能用文字溝通，我該是表達能力最好的人；走倒運時，我會告訴自己——我正在為快要誕生的偉大作品累積靈感……266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvzMbjDUe1
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNPzWG2mFo
一切都是有意義的。如果我真有寫作天分的話。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt0ywaG8ZXC
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANn5stcRKv
捧著熱茶回到座位。身在心在能力不在。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlB4fgYWmjw
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd1gsD5kdX0
在刺眼的屏幕白頁前，我又嘆一口氣。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQeB399VrqY
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1NDaKkn6R
我不曾長大，仍是幾十年前那個我，沉浸在中文老師讚賞的我。同學們紛表羨慕我的寫作天份，請教我如何想出精彩故事、練出動人文筆。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7YVoiOwCW
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjwzIIVNgeX
我沾沾自喜。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIJZdurlCc
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYexnT6YxXC
細心回想，我當時已覺竅門不在天分，而是努力。努力鑽研文字的運用，努力細味名著佳作當中的韻味，努力思考故事情節起伏，努力觀察分析人世百態……名副其實的將勤補拙。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZTEdtWZ26
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFv632fEKJr
但我沒有向同學們坦白。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs80TbxuQqb
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBpzQ4QLls
因為我喜歡被讚賞的感覺。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8KbanAOqj
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQTKbxKzRb
努力，努力，努力。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJgSZ9Jc4h
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1qrJS9J51d
我的寫作技巧與日俱增，亦在多個學屆寫作比賽中獲獎。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBW5hHyPuKl
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEBnXj9fQz
我以為自己將來鐵定能夠成為作家。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL2I578LHnT
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcrP8ZzNEw
以為。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Uu5l8ORkj
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIav6fiQsEe
告別校園後，我成為一個普通文職。普通收入，普通打扮，普通生活。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7COxPT4h5m
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtR6oGXHMzV
普通得輕易被取代。普通得難以承受。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWl7b03FYWg
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7AuSP2jYwt
我不得不告訴自己我是多麼的有寫作天份！我是多麼的獨特！266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBaQlbpjz0
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlBmZCnQ6U
某夜下班回家，我泡了一壺水仙，乘著茶香全情投入寫作世界。沒有外物打擾，我的世界只有我。一切如願。那麼順心，那麼安寧，那麼快樂。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqQeqPiKkH
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnO9WXED2tW
我的作品感動了我。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVHZz3VOmhP
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWplcS8bumi
我希望藉此找到更多懂我的人。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBab87VfiM5
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6aevUyhhQ
幾十年來，不停寫，不停發表，不停被無視。我的世界與真實世界不斷相互碰撞。面對無止境的打擊，我不曾問自己為何堅持。因為一旦心生此等疑問，變相在內心種下「自我質疑」的根苗，一發不可收拾。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBdR0lA0lZ
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUZd0DdxyY8
無法接受自己幾十年堅持建基於一個沒可能實現的夢想。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxUm8huLoE
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFPkDwGF4Z
無法承受自己生來就是如此普通、平凡、平庸……266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYYVURXZNk
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6K4w98WnD
熱茶又涼了。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOi3ibo6rC
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwtNSqt3ac
屏幕白頁上始終沒有片言隻字。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruqhRA8SVB
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSh09x2a9S
老妻繼續以不表態維護我的尊嚴。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZs2TUet7Ql
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrb5ACiuKu
我的作品只感動了我。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡApIkx4vK4p
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHmxnt7W16
因為我的感受只有我讀得懂。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2FgnOMr4Dn