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Well. I started this month with the intention of kick-starting my own NaNoWriMo project. Still didn't get anything done. Day 9 already, and there is not a single word on paper. But that's not exactly what's more distressing to me. See, as much as I wanted to finish this project... its unstarted state doesn't make me feel much. At least not right now...
These days, I've joined a Discord server. I've always disliked Discord and never really kept it for long, but I found a server which seemed to me interesting, with people with similar states. Yes, turns out I was right. I was able to have some nice moments in there. However, what started happening is the same thing that happens every time I try joining into any social circle at all. I vanish. I become invisible. What do I mean by this, however? It's simple.
I am simply... unheard. Despite my attempts of trying to join in the conversation, what happens all the time is that everyone simply keeps talking to each other as if I didn't exist, most of the time. And the conversations happen in text too. I've always thought that I fared best at writing, and indeed it is true. The thing is, it doesn't mean I am good at it for what I'm seeing. Just means I am bad writing and abysmal talking. It's not anybody's fault that it happens, I am just uninteresting.
It's not new. In fact it has been a pattern since forever. Sometimes I am able to hold conversations with individual people, but I will then just be drowned out in the group. And as I mentioned before, it's not like I am not even trying, because I am surely doing so. I am always messaging the channels, answering people's messages. I get nothing. And seems that whatever I am doing wrong, I will keep on doing forever, because if I could change it, I would have done so already. These situations just eat on me.
And there's another part. If I were invisible only, it would be good, but no, I always get sniped at by someone in the group. Unsurprisingly, it happened in this group. I got targeted by some girl there three times, and now I must really try to focus on what's happening, because that's the most important part. Whatever makes my messages uninteresting and my replies keep going mostly unengaged, makes me extremely vulnerable to being put down, made fun of, having jabs directed at. I can't formulate any answer to any of them. So I don't even try, because I know the results are going to be very disappointing. I know because I've tried so in the past, and every single time was a painful, catastrophic failure.
I wish I was exaggerating, but I am not. Every single time I can recall, trying to come back at the person who sniped on me ended up with me looking foolish. I don't really want to try and explain why it happens, because I've done so for many years in the past and the possibilities are always depressing. Fucking depressing. One could be tempted to tell me to look for help, to which I answer that I would gladly do so, but am unable to. Due to many reasons, specially due to living in a shitty country where people not only do not have much access to mental healthcare but even have a stigma against it, I can't just look for help. I tried. I really did, but I can't.
I don't know if I am making myself understood. I am basically unable to function socially, so much that I am complaining about people picking on me in a Discord channel, writing in a blog that no one will ever read! Every single time, it was like that. Be talked over, be picked on, not be able to turn the tables. The only thing I can conclude from it is that it is no use to try having a friendship circle or a group.
This was actually what I've done so far. I have been living the last years without a recurrent friendship group. Loneliness is terrible and it fucks you up, but if the alternative is that, then I prefer to be lonely. I will interact the minimum I can afford to. If there is any way to change my problems, then sure, I will actually be in a position to gain from trying to have friends, but for now, all it does it making me feel horrible.
Because yes, it's part of being in a group, isn't it? Ribbing at each other. Teasing each other. But what happens to one who is unable to do so? What remains for this person? Simple, it happens what has been happening to me since forever: ending in the bottom of the social ladder and be a target for other people's jokes when they want someone to pick on in front of everyone. Who the hell wants to take such a role? I think no one really does. Yet, it's what always remain for me.
That's pretty much it. Being lonely is shit, but trying to avoid loneliness puts me into contact with people, and I cannot function properly with people, so it's better to avoid them. Seriously now, do I write that badly though? Am I really that unclear on my thoughts?
Thank you for your five minutes, reader. I hope you will be patient and not judge me too harshly for any perceived "whining". I did everything I could. But it is not being enough. I've been always willing to do what I need to, but seems that I cannot do enough, no matter how hard I try. Anyway you can ask me to explain anything I left unclear. It's not like I have a life anyway so I have time to do it.
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