
午餐用膳後,男生們大多會將多餘時間花在學校操場,或場上打籃球,或場外觀賽。我亦不例外,在場邊與同學輕聲討論打球技巧。忘形之際,一個籃球高速自後側飛來,狠狠砸中我右耳耳背。場中男生上前向我連聲道歉,我只道不要緊。男生拾球後繼續回場較勁,沒把事情放心上。當然,我也沒所謂,小事一椿。205Please respect copyright.PENANAHzljo48Dj4
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令我在意的反倒是球場另邊有個陌生男生對我微笑。205Please respect copyright.PENANAujALChLt03
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匆匆一笑,半秒即逝。他轉頭跟身邊友人繼續說說笑笑。我挺肯定自己想多了——對方不是故意對著我笑,僅是他的站立姿勢及面向角度湊巧朝著我這邊來。205Please respect copyright.PENANAqp5eNJvJVG
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但我還是記住了那抹笑容,記住了他的臉容氣質,記住日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗。205Please respect copyright.PENANAdTw48MGBQe
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為何記住?我解釋不了。205Please respect copyright.PENANAewPIp5LVCp
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好幾個月過去,夏天轉換為冬。颯颯寒風成功減少場邊女生數目,男生仍然在此閒聊逛蕩。同行朋友忽爾興起,動身到場裡打球。我笑笑婉拒,說吃飽想睡不想動。205Please respect copyright.PENANAA1jb8W10pz
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我獨坐長椅一邊,納悶之際,兩個男生前來佔坐長椅另端空位。205Please respect copyright.PENANAeP9YY4qzSf
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其中一個是他。205Please respect copyright.PENANAu2purQtegJ
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那笑那臉那明暗,歷歷在目。205Please respect copyright.PENANA5aIGxug9nG
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心頭一顫,我馬上別過臉去。數秒後,我稍為冷靜,意識到自己的失態,佯裝無異,繼續觀看球賽。不過他似乎察覺我的異樣,有意無意對我展露笑容——一個意味深長的笑容。205Please respect copyright.PENANAdUazIr1OwP
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我尷尬離座回課室去。走樓梯至三樓時,他竟從後叫住我。205Please respect copyright.PENANA9YilNt0tz7
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「你遺下銀包。」205Please respect copyright.PENANACIYhufNqnw
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「謝謝。」205Please respect copyright.PENANA7wIXxfZhx2
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「不用客氣……」205Please respect copyright.PENANASiItKztCs1
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奇怪。看他忸怩模樣,他似乎還有話要對我說。說甚麼?不是必須相識的陌生人可以如何打開話題?甚或是「為何要展開話題」?205Please respect copyright.PENANAZmx0VHyiw3
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氣氛尷尬,四目交投,卻不知如何是好。205Please respect copyright.PENANA497WR7tLju
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直至提著半滿水桶和微濕地拖的校工在我倆之間經過,彼此才回過神來,甚有默契同時分別從兩個方向離開。我往上,他往下。205Please respect copyright.PENANAL5Y4KTeG74
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誰料在午飯時間完結後,我們還是在五樓走廊再次碰面——原來我們都是中五生。由於班別不同、社交圈子不重疊,所以未曾正式認識。205Please respect copyright.PENANAQQ2YotnjPv
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不要緊。現在互相自我介紹就可以。205Please respect copyright.PENANAO5fEynLLT5
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「我是文班許家偉。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAGTYIsaOO44
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「我是理班李浩榮。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAbPU6Nj9AmF
其實我早已知道許家偉。205Please respect copyright.PENANAYVnirCOh8M
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我心儀對象就是喜歡許家偉。205Please respect copyright.PENANApbk6DtWpnJ
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被拒絕的心情久久不散。我開始留意許家偉這個人。205Please respect copyright.PENANAJWhAASQdl4
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拜託阿強向文班生打探有關許家偉的事。某文班生說許家偉無啥特別,亦無專長或短處,是個存在感不強的乖學生。205Please respect copyright.PENANACgB2rpfA2T
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我不明所以——為何心儀對象看上他?205Please respect copyright.PENANAT1gK98XJNG
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不是認為心儀對象定要接受我或是對方必須比我優勝,只是我真的找不到許家偉有何可愛之處。205Please respect copyright.PENANALOlUBlDYeB
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不服氣。205Please respect copyright.PENANAAyAk2lkoaF
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繼續觀察他。205Please respect copyright.PENANAwYSdk6fQJO
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匆匆數月,秋去冬來,我對許家偉好奇不減。205Please respect copyright.PENANAiUDf7bQjJJ
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某天午餐後,我和阿強發現許家偉獨坐操場長椅,於是立即齊齊上前佔據長椅另端,近距離觀察他。他似乎發現我們的奇異目光,動身離開。正感沒趣,阿強發現地上有一個銀包。查看內裡,看見許家偉的學生證。205Please respect copyright.PENANAUhGFzmO7hz
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阿強建議取走內裡金錢和學生證,再將銀包交到校務處。我反對,擔心惹禍上身。阿強問我是否討厭許家偉。我無正面回應,僅是堅持物歸原主。阿強讓步,將銀包遞給我。205Please respect copyright.PENANAe2OrlzdlBG
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我急步追趕許家偉。205Please respect copyright.PENANAtXsSBHX2YU
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不明白自己此刻行為。正如阿強所問,我不是討厭許家偉嗎?人前,我一直表達對許家偉的討厭;人後,我曾多次理性分析過自己有沒有討厭他的實質理由。沒有,尤其在我對心儀對象忘情以後。205Please respect copyright.PENANAtCFZBK7ivD
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奈何留意許家偉經已成為我的習慣。205Please respect copyright.PENANAAGp5P7v9tY
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遠遠看見他的身影,我自然而然打起十二分精神;聽到心儀對象與好友聊天時提及許家偉,我對他的好奇大於對心儀對象的;走經中五級壁報板,會不經意試找許家偉的名字……205Please respect copyright.PENANAJNk2AIJV1C
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「你遺下了銀包。」205Please respect copyright.PENANALkWBPmwemX
205Please respect copyright.PENANAEWL6xIChXA
「謝謝。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAfMF4MyaKyX
205Please respect copyright.PENANAzZqdJ3WaKZ
「不用客氣……」205Please respect copyright.PENANAwzXPncMNhj
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經已物歸原主。他道謝,我虛應,然後該是沒有然後。但我們還是愣在原地。205Please respect copyright.PENANAq45LYg6Pmt
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該要說甚麼?還需要說甚麼?沒有啊!但我們還是原地愣著。205Please respect copyright.PENANAt83zEwjwl8
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他是否一早知道我?他是否早已察覺我在留意他?不會吧……205Please respect copyright.PENANAoQREPEQRGl
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我望入他雙眼。205Please respect copyright.PENANAZQl12sKTTK
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不。我鐵定他不認識我。他的眼神迷惘疑惑忐忑,似乎在期待甚麼……205Please respect copyright.PENANA9e8ewGtrZy
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一名校工在我和許家偉之間走過。我在視線被阻擋當刻回過神來,低頭轉身離開。205Please respect copyright.PENANAKogydeQhsp
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我回到操場側長椅。阿強仍在,問我有否教訓許家偉一頓。我苦笑罵他發神經。阿強收起笑容,認真勸我別壓抑情緒。我說理解許家偉是無辜的,不會繼續討厭他。205Please respect copyright.PENANA7hHufZfd6J
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上課鈴聲響起,學生魚貫回課室去。人群中,我在五樓走廊與許家偉迎個正著。他驚訝之情洋溢於表。我反倒開懷笑了,笑他遲鈍,後知後覺。205Please respect copyright.PENANA4mnbimkWPe
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許家偉臉紅,禮貌地點點頭,上前自我介紹。205Please respect copyright.PENANAoBhXABwBsL
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「我是文班許家偉。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAZKhzMhRIYQ
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「我是理班李浩榮。」205Please respect copyright.PENANA7zwpM4gxp0
畢業多年,我跟李浩榮從未聯絡過——當我這麼講,舊生聚會上人人皆表出乎意料:「你們當年那麼要好,竟然未曾聯絡一次?」205Please respect copyright.PENANAj4W2w4gOGc
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我笑笑點頭,不多解釋。205Please respect copyright.PENANAdWkUs56CsK
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畢業禮當晚,他告訴我,他的心儀對象喜歡我。我問他那女生是誰,我可以當面拒絕她。他說不必,因為他已不愛他。我感到奇怪:如已釋懷,為何重提。205Please respect copyright.PENANABqqD9WkPeF
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李浩榮笑笑,笑說他已覺悟,明白人的真正作用。205Please respect copyright.PENANAx6FIuWVYqR
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聽到這莫名其妙的答案,我就知道他醉了——他喝下很多酒。205Please respect copyright.PENANAqh9gCjGznJ
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他說人的真正作用就是將另外兩個不相識的人串連在一起,或是把深交的兩個人分開,例如那女生無意間將我帶到他的人生當中,而我又無意間成為他和青梅竹馬鬧翻原因。205Please respect copyright.PENANAivab6hXyqu
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我大概聽出話裡的話。有點難過,有點無奈,有點害怕——害怕今晚坦白心聲以後,我和李浩榮再無交集。205Please respect copyright.PENANAliK3E9Dz2q
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但我沒有阻止他。205Please respect copyright.PENANAFewiF078il
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他壓抑已久,情感需要釋放。這很可能是我以朋友身份給他的最後禮物。205Please respect copyright.PENANAl3WI174PvF
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我慫恿他繼續說下去。205Please respect copyright.PENANAhfdYw88cRl
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他跟阿強相識於幼稚園。他倆都是頑皮孩子,經常氣得老師向父母投訴,父母夜裡就來一頓痛打。他們經常看到對方手腫腳瘀,起初會擔心對方身體,後來發現彼此不怕捱打,只怕玩得不痛快。相顧輕笑,再玩再捱打……玩著捱著,二人同甘共苦十四年,彼此之間有一種難以言喻的默契——只有阿強看出他非但未曾討厭我,反倒羨慕我的不起眼。205Please respect copyright.PENANAuBpDudDyJE
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我好奇李浩榮何解會羨慕不起眼的人。205Please respect copyright.PENANAgqLb0Nc2is
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「不被注意、不被期望,方能活得自由稱心。」205Please respect copyright.PENANARq7bU4mhb1
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我問他是否有煩惱,可以向我傾訴,也許我能想出好辦法。205Please respect copyright.PENANA6qMn4G2mNK
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李浩榮報以苦笑,沒有正面回答。205Please respect copyright.PENANAidTN11fXfA
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那夜,他喝得爛醉,我送他回家。205Please respect copyright.PENANAgAbsygKmBe
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伯母應門。是個凶神惡煞的中年婦,語調急促,不帶尾音。她接過李浩榮,留下一句道謝,利落關門。205Please respect copyright.PENANA47kMAg6aeT
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門關。心頭若有所失——感覺永遠不會再見到李浩榮。205Please respect copyright.PENANAlas9rC9qow
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其實沒甚麼大不了。這是人生必經的離合過程。不會令我受到任何傷害,亦不會令我蒙受任何損失。著實沒甚麼大不了。205Please respect copyright.PENANAx5keD7ONeV
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但我掛念他。205Please respect copyright.PENANA4tphF77vhR
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不是偶然想起,不是遇上麻煩、需要向他求助,不是看見眼熟物件進而聯想。沒錯,是真正的掛念——我無法自欺。205Please respect copyright.PENANAPtNQjGUBZl
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想起他,我不期然會笑;想起他,我感覺窩心;想起他,我會自覺孤單可憐。205Please respect copyright.PENANAvJjm9BkUH4
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我漸漸意識到這是甚麼一回事。205Please respect copyright.PENANAZLJSXhOVgO
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糟糕了!怎麼辦?怎麼辦!不知道。205Please respect copyright.PENANARExuHEW7oF
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不要說。不要聽。不要見。205Please respect copyright.PENANAf0AuafVka0
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希望時間會沖淡一切。205Please respect copyright.PENANA1LDjeYB4Hp
依稀記得畢業翌日在自家客廳梳化醒來的畫面。205Please respect copyright.PENANAMXRJZlZtZJ
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首先映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起,窗外日光耀眼得刺痛,室內與室外亮度差異極大。眼睛無法於短時間內適應,煞是暈眩,有一股酸餿灼熱自胸腔冒升。想吐。沒法吐。205Please respect copyright.PENANASU9I2WzPiI
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阿媽沒有理會我,背對我在廚房煲湯。她對著湯煲說:「昨晚是他送你回來。」205Please respect copyright.PENANA6wZ77PXScT
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我敵不過暈眩與劇烈頭痛,重新軟癱梳化上。沒回話打算,反正阿媽定會繼續說下去。205Please respect copyright.PENANA18Fs90WZ77
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「我不明白你為何喜歡他。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAFKMKrHQJig
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「我也不明白。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAvqH3cUZ6es
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「那就不要繼續喜歡。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAnhoh7v4sTp
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「感覺,並非可以自由控制的。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAPMrJxb2XSA
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「我亦無法自由控制我的兒子喜歡誰。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAKCh7xtHq7z
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「我也無法自由選擇誰是我的母親。」205Please respect copyright.PENANA6hVD3eDZMp
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「真抱歉——未得你同意就把你生下來。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAgN3OgZBiic
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「你該要對我感到抱歉。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAEtlraf25fc
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我晦氣,毫不掩飾對她的討厭。205Please respect copyright.PENANAORMGEiCdjt
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阿媽沒再多話,繼續在廚房忙著。205Please respect copyright.PENANAcHdHqbEqJp
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真要命。人生就是那麼多無謂紛擾。我的人生屬於我,為何旁人總愛插手?205Please respect copyright.PENANARsJIXNEcw6
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抵著頭痛,我硬撐起身子小便去。205Please respect copyright.PENANAWuLkVBt40G
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在抽氣扇綿延不斷的摩打聲襯托下,小便聲清脆得噁心。噁感令我清醒不少,昨晚回憶開始隱約浮現。205Please respect copyright.PENANA7gfbx76Vfc
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我似乎講過一些不該出口的話。205Please respect copyright.PENANAKW5uptxFOE
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真的嗎?我真的把話說出口?205Please respect copyright.PENANAnQ5GRgbcRw
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為何這麼驚訝?阿強醉倒後,我特意喝下更多酒,不就是為了把話講出口嗎?205Please respect copyright.PENANAI0DWlfbDtX
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便意盡,醉意消,騰出來的腦空間被後悔和自責分佔了。我呆上半晌才提起褲子洗手去。205Please respect copyright.PENANASmj9qSnOUk
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為何要走到這一步?205Please respect copyright.PENANAJhdA7jr8eP
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阿強早已看出我對許家偉的感情,擔心我走上「歪路」。我有點兒生氣——誰有資格定義這是否歪路。阿強自知沒能說服我,乾脆將觀察所得告訴我媽。性格暴躁的阿媽一反常態,冷靜淡然勸我切勿繼續投放感情。205Please respect copyright.PENANAG61WKIfigz
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「世人表裡不一。口說開明,實質守舊。」205Please respect copyright.PENANA34rdZxbvFU
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「是嗎?你呢?你口說放棄,心底裡在支持我吧?」205Please respect copyright.PENANAV59EwoE05y
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「別倔強。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAmqPKaQ5Mn6
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「我想要知道你的真正想法!別敷衍!別蒙混!」205Please respect copyright.PENANA2P9dMgayyJ
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「我想你放棄。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAT5Dqu2hr0L
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「原因?」205Please respect copyright.PENANAg6TlYDhC8U
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「現實終歸是現實的。你將要面對的困難並非單靠信念、希望和愛情就可以解決。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAvrxmetsvrC
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「我知道。」205Please respect copyright.PENANARjpCtUPONk
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「何解還要繼續下去?」205Please respect copyright.PENANAxhvm8sYYNk
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「感情易放難收。」205Please respect copyright.PENANA6hUF7Gk8sV
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阿媽沒法回嘴——「感情」一詞明確否定了邏輯和理智,她還有何話可說,只得被動地待我回心轉意。205Please respect copyright.PENANA3pLMgXDrbk
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傍晚,我約見阿強,在公園暗處與他打一架。我們手腫腳瘀,有如兒時被父母教訓一樣。看著彼此頹喪模樣,我既心痛亦生氣——我們的友誼不該淪落至此!我們該可以當一輩子兄弟手足!205Please respect copyright.PENANAjVIouGdJue
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架後,我沒有留下片言隻字,待身體稍稍恢復後首先離開回家去,懶理阿強依然躺在草地上粗喘不已。205Please respect copyright.PENANADln4bscmpv
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阿媽見我身上有傷,許是大概明白那是甚麼一回事,沒有多問,亦不予關心。205Please respect copyright.PENANAOexFAMFxfp
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我不在意,一心思考如何在畢業禮當晚向許家偉表白……205Please respect copyright.PENANAEILB5nPRIJ
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畢業禮,是終結也是新開始。學生們穿戴整齊,戰戰兢兢上台領受證書。莘莘學子前途未卜,能夠掌握在手的只有當下。今朝有酒今朝醉,齊齊喝酒齊齊醉。205Please respect copyright.PENANAaQ740Zrh0n
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阿強取來一支烈酒,邀我對飲:「追求真愛不是那麼容易。至少要比我更能喝。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAkKEobEVBrP
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我欣然接受。他很了解我,許是估計到我將會乘著酒意找許家偉表白去。我唯一擺脫阿強的方法就是先把他灌醉。我們都不是省油的燈,自小經常一起偷偷喝酒,十分清楚對方酒量和醉態——一旦倒下,沒有廿四小時可醒不過來。205Please respect copyright.PENANAbH2vWxwtnp
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小醉。半醉。大醉。205Please respect copyright.PENANALEhviQZytq
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阿強半伏枱邊,傻笑問我:「想好如何表白了沒?」205Please respect copyright.PENANA4GKKTWgJOb
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「直接講我愛他。」205Please respect copyright.PENANACA4gO0AHte
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「如果他拒絕?」205Please respect copyright.PENANAxh1eIKfbD5
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「沒怎麼樣。就像我之前被女同學拒絕那樣。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAuQB4sNXzpL
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「如果他接受了?那怎麼辦?」205Please respect copyright.PENANA6FeFmZAsKw
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「我當然是高興!」205Please respect copyright.PENANAg9lXqNCupy
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「我在問,他會怎麼辦?你認為他的內心強大得能夠與你共同面對往後一切?」205Please respect copyright.PENANACxh4dli6Yj
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阿強問了一個我沒有想及的問題。205Please respect copyright.PENANAEPOgfBReBC
事隔四十年,我和李浩榮在阿強的喪禮上再次聚頭。205Please respect copyright.PENANA2R0JwGhzEZ
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李浩榮說他在畢業禮後與阿強斷絕了聯絡。我為此道歉。他問我為何道歉。我重提他酒後那段說話。他反問我是否真的認為過錯在我。我答不肯定——我無心令他們鬧翻,但我確是他們鬧翻的原因。205Please respect copyright.PENANA6YL0hPMXqQ
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李浩榮苦笑,笑容意味深長。205Please respect copyright.PENANA0TPAmOvDXn
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「阿強沒講錯。你真懦弱。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAtZ1GSbGsIZ
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「活了那麼多年,經歷那麼多事情,我不得不承認自己的懦弱。」205Please respect copyright.PENANA8tGXrC5Nl5
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「你仍然單身?」205Please respect copyright.PENANA2LSI5UiIJ6
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「是的。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAK1lGt0MR84
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「要我當媒嗎?」205Please respect copyright.PENANAa7BBFNE0iP
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「不了。難為情。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAncasRSIML8
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李浩榮失笑,笑我不值得被愛。205Please respect copyright.PENANAQVWlnu6GTe
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我陪笑,笑說我懂得珍愛自己就可以。205Please respect copyright.PENANAcDGumL9Kp1
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多寒暄幾句,我和李浩榮相互道別,分道揚鑣不復見。205Please respect copyright.PENANAjNJQXtuYM5
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抬頭望天,天陰雨冷,冷入心脾。205Please respect copyright.PENANAbKEHyo7A4T
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回家吧。205Please respect copyright.PENANA3VnuRqWmN6
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開門。門後空洞空虛空蕩蕩。205Please respect copyright.PENANAWXI1js4I1k
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「戚戚慘慘悽悽,清清冷冷,覓覓尋尋。」興之所至,我一邊脫鞋,一邊倒背《聲聲慢》首三句。205Please respect copyright.PENANAJygt0DAw58
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「尋他千百度,驀然回首,那人卻在燈火闌珊處。」沒有脫襪,懶洋洋得撲到梳化上,順口接上《青玉案.元夕》末句。205Please respect copyright.PENANAzeWLAM8zcK
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枕臂望窗,映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起,窗外日光耀眼得刺痛,室內與室外亮度差異極大。驀地憶起日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗,憶起他的臉容氣質,憶起那抹笑容。205Please respect copyright.PENANAGfRvj3ozyf
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大概是一見鍾情吧。205Please respect copyright.PENANA2U1GIbCSrh
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奈何我當年愚鈍懵懂,後知後覺。205Please respect copyright.PENANAf8HqF7YJOZ
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如果我當年及早清楚知道自己的意向,結果會否不一樣?205Please respect copyright.PENANAt3yWZ31Yjb
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我笑自己想多了:結果會是一樣的。205Please respect copyright.PENANAT6U7P5U5Km
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我是懦弱的人,我珍愛自己,所以我不會為他人冒險。我寧願花上一輩子去幻想錯過了的美好愛情,亦不會勇敢踏前一步去追求愛情。205Please respect copyright.PENANA19e3CYPeiZ
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李浩榮說得沒錯,我不值得被愛。205Please respect copyright.PENANA3QddOxsUX7
事隔四十年,昔日摯友躺在棺材裡,往日心上人站在我面前。205Please respect copyright.PENANAWOVoZXel3E
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百感交集……205Please respect copyright.PENANAKYhUT0U2TP
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當年我為了許家偉與阿強鬧翻,事後亦沒敢聯絡許家偉。同時失去摯友和心上人,情感上的痛令我失眠了好幾年。那時候,還以為痛楚會一直維持下去,有如浪漫淒美感人的愛情電影情節。205Please respect copyright.PENANA7inOjPteiT
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不過電影終究與現實不同:角色的難忘遭遇濃縮在短短一個半小時裡,情感故此顯得激烈而深刻;現實中的情感必須經過時間洗禮和加入許多愛情以外因素,例如家庭、工作、健康、個人財政等等。205Please respect copyright.PENANAFVkapKMSjg
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痛楚自然而然被淡化掉。我漸漸忘了阿強的忠肝義膽和許家偉的獨特魅力,直至今日再聚……205Please respect copyright.PENANA3mQ4Z4R1lU
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「認得我嗎?我是許家偉。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAsU8guNmsD8
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「認得。你是文班的。」205Please respect copyright.PENANAqCpPSrqH9W
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許家偉淺笑,笑容如昔,淡然清雅溫婉。205Please respect copyright.PENANAFxjKKmqYjw
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閒聊之間,發現他仍然單身。究其原因,他只道難為情。205Please respect copyright.PENANAqD21PLrgtP
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「你不值得被愛。」我蔑笑。205Please respect copyright.PENANAsUU3HGW9L8
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四十年過去,許家偉仍是當初那個許家偉。205Please respect copyright.PENANAkLARjvAXQL
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阿強沒講錯——他的內心不會強大得能夠與我共同面對一切。205Please respect copyright.PENANALeqwlevAon
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「我懂得珍愛自己就可以。」許家偉笑著說。205Please respect copyright.PENANAQB2ER66uZo
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許家偉在認真?他真心認為這是珍愛自己的行徑?205Please respect copyright.PENANAf8pV22qFhD
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我哭笑不得。205Please respect copyright.PENANAsrGUMd0GN6
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無意跟他繼續對話。205Please respect copyright.PENANACTf0IRnTQp
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多寒暄幾句,我和許家偉相互道別,分道揚鑣不復見。205Please respect copyright.PENANAdS2NffPsAb
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抬頭望天,天陰雨冷,冷入心脾。
註:此篇會收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。205Please respect copyright.PENANA8SXkh4PdFJ