午餐用膳後，男生們大多會將多餘時間花在學校操場，或場上打籃球，或場外觀賽。我亦不例外，在場邊與同學輕聲討論打球技巧。忘形之際，一個籃球高速自後側飛來，狠狠砸中我右耳耳背。場中男生上前向我連聲道歉，我只道不要緊。男生拾球後繼續回場較勁，沒把事情放心上。當然，我也沒所謂，小事一椿。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvzIkXTC47
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjH4fH1CrZ
令我在意的反倒是球場另邊有個陌生男生對我微笑。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuT33lyTsgt
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigMBBcmCrz
匆匆一笑，半秒即逝。他轉頭跟身邊友人繼續說說笑笑。我挺肯定自己想多了——對方不是故意對著我笑，僅是他的站立姿勢及面向角度湊巧朝著我這邊來。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60msM2ZmJ5
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJcE2S1dZl
但我還是記住了那抹笑容，記住了他的臉容氣質，記住日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWtHguYZNx
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCsR7mzCMO
為何記住？我解釋不了。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9E5x65B5Sx
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡan9Fzuawsh
好幾個月過去，夏天轉換為冬。颯颯寒風成功減少場邊女生數目，男生仍然在此閒聊逛蕩。同行朋友忽爾興起，動身到場裡打球。我笑笑婉拒，說吃飽想睡不想動。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDcZo9jSHFf
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOlVDDVUNcN
我獨坐長椅一邊，納悶之際，兩個男生前來佔坐長椅另端空位。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuAQjImnhZ
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVyi5mk43B
其中一個是他。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2I7ztY2hZn
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05GU8hcFlU
那笑那臉那明暗，歷歷在目。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtMBTjh1Vt
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxEDoaPq8D
心頭一顫，我馬上別過臉去。數秒後，我稍為冷靜，意識到自己的失態，佯裝無異，繼續觀看球賽。不過他似乎察覺我的異樣，有意無意對我展露笑容——一個意味深長的笑容。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIsSA4UeEv
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbB8yDnsXz
我尷尬離座回課室去。走樓梯至三樓時，他竟從後叫住我。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayiSyO7d6b
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNALQeoKs6M
「你遺下銀包。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDp48fhPF32
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdy151F5Hj
「謝謝。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZjP8iDng9
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7p9Olb266
「不用客氣……」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA85SiWPS9J
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOYQY5VPoo
奇怪。看他忸怩模樣，他似乎還有話要對我說。說甚麼？不是必須相識的陌生人可以如何打開話題？甚或是「為何要展開話題」？404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx36KwYUYwd
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtn7lEQU49u
氣氛尷尬，四目交投，卻不知如何是好。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnBA68jJGF
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4XHZPXpGK
直至提著半滿水桶和微濕地拖的校工在我倆之間經過，彼此才回過神來，甚有默契同時分別從兩個方向離開。我往上，他往下。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWwrYD9igL
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Ejd4oKtca
誰料在午飯時間完結後，我們還是在五樓走廊再次碰面——原來我們都是中五生。由於班別不同、社交圈子不重疊，所以未曾正式認識。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8uKQ8QNSJ
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUueim73da
不要緊。現在互相自我介紹就可以。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw9v08SnlXC
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡox2qlp58Qz
「我是文班許家偉。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6i5mZM49CO
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURAcaflVGt
「我是理班李浩榮。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVHQjHzm8pK
其實我早已知道許家偉。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5yAnHF2BO
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFLhMA8K5G
我心儀對象就是喜歡許家偉。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pofTcTL2D
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjTpj3fxXn
被拒絕的心情久久不散。我開始留意許家偉這個人。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInr7qfl7n0
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6vRKOvI8M
拜託阿強向文班生打探有關許家偉的事。某文班生說許家偉無啥特別，亦無專長或短處，是個存在感不強的乖學生。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQEpquAM1IS
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPVfEoAt98
我不明所以——為何心儀對象看上他？404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vG453mWaN
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDiPtIIBvd
不是認為心儀對象定要接受我或是對方必須比我優勝，只是我真的找不到許家偉有何可愛之處。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnOsqheybr
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgwqk5qTV5
不服氣。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjqRivTRGW
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDYfXbhA6f5
繼續觀察他。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5YpLoC9K1
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDJni7zH4W
匆匆數月，秋去冬來，我對許家偉好奇不減。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyenYaieTL
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzlXyaeVJZ
某天午餐後，我和阿強發現許家偉獨坐操場長椅，於是立即齊齊上前佔據長椅另端，近距離觀察他。他似乎發現我們的奇異目光，動身離開。正感沒趣，阿強發現地上有一個銀包。查看內裡，看見許家偉的學生證。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIA2PtAjBFx
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wNfabu1fF
阿強建議取走內裡金錢和學生證，再將銀包交到校務處。我反對，擔心惹禍上身。阿強問我是否討厭許家偉。我無正面回應，僅是堅持物歸原主。阿強讓步，將銀包遞給我。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHHqdP1A2t
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd91vEgsD8W
我急步追趕許家偉。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILKXANX70b
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBywjD9HEH
不明白自己此刻行為。正如阿強所問，我不是討厭許家偉嗎？人前，我一直表達對許家偉的討厭；人後，我曾多次理性分析過自己有沒有討厭他的實質理由。沒有，尤其在我對心儀對象忘情以後。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy7WWvOQoiY
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe33PmK9LYM
奈何留意許家偉經已成為我的習慣。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVU0VLf8CW
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9K3sCvkygP
遠遠看見他的身影，我自然而然打起十二分精神；聽到心儀對象與好友聊天時提及許家偉，我對他的好奇大於對心儀對象的；走經中五級壁報板，會不經意試找許家偉的名字……404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJGsdB2UOr
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvBqQz0Ypt
「你遺下了銀包。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPtw8XNpYD
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVNAZFgTna
「謝謝。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdDsU5newec
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipJFouB1ag
「不用客氣……」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjAAQACWDm
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GpvqwJERJ
經已物歸原主。他道謝，我虛應，然後該是沒有然後。但我們還是愣在原地。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEnkEAVhdf
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQ2ZK0l0rt
該要說甚麼？還需要說甚麼？沒有啊！但我們還是原地愣著。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRBLLKuhrXV
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZc4TP2PqST
他是否一早知道我？他是否早已察覺我在留意他？不會吧……404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOLemBGrfec
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPRMqDA30B
我望入他雙眼。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6pj2fYMlcN
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NPMNKZB97
不。我鐵定他不認識我。他的眼神迷惘疑惑忐忑，似乎在期待甚麼……404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrgEUFB6Iv
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TGL8J2XTJ
一名校工在我和許家偉之間走過。我在視線被阻擋當刻回過神來，低頭轉身離開。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJpvI1trKW
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmrYasvw0X
我回到操場側長椅。阿強仍在，問我有否教訓許家偉一頓。我苦笑罵他發神經。阿強收起笑容，認真勸我別壓抑情緒。我說理解許家偉是無辜的，不會繼續討厭他。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3h07q0anI
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthYWx3Qg6h
上課鈴聲響起，學生魚貫回課室去。人群中，我在五樓走廊與許家偉迎個正著。他驚訝之情洋溢於表。我反倒開懷笑了，笑他遲鈍，後知後覺。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKQWBXu13e
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYp5qOwpk9g
許家偉臉紅，禮貌地點點頭，上前自我介紹。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAROk5QRRiV
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVKEtmB2bh
「我是文班許家偉。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvwSMoyN6t
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJf0OucC4n
「我是理班李浩榮。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqIY3LWPmY
畢業多年，我跟李浩榮從未聯絡過——當我這麼講，舊生聚會上人人皆表出乎意料：「你們當年那麼要好，竟然未曾聯絡一次？」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjJxOsOsXal
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0P2ZAlumbn
我笑笑點頭，不多解釋。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqLyePma09
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVFmE06qwj
畢業禮當晚，他告訴我，他的心儀對象喜歡我。我問他那女生是誰，我可以當面拒絕她。他說不必，因為他已不愛他。我感到奇怪：如已釋懷，為何重提。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tJ9EVD5Y3
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhdYcnNp9W
李浩榮笑笑，笑說他已覺悟，明白人的真正作用。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj8gSzWK51y
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7J7dgzsBTR
聽到這莫名其妙的答案，我就知道他醉了——他喝下很多酒。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxBI2fX0KS
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPql070MPK
他說人的真正作用就是將另外兩個不相識的人串連在一起，或是把深交的兩個人分開，例如那女生無意間將我帶到他的人生當中，而我又無意間成為他和青梅竹馬鬧翻原因。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArnmfvBpso
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaqIjgLXo07
我大概聽出話裡的話。有點難過，有點無奈，有點害怕——害怕今晚坦白心聲以後，我和李浩榮再無交集。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZXLVGJarAm
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WBxMI1R7b
但我沒有阻止他。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ0QMLhI064
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4BjdAv5rk
他壓抑已久，情感需要釋放。這很可能是我以朋友身份給他的最後禮物。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnz1zGxnHk
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkB03yzUYDG
我慫恿他繼續說下去。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMUodxrIiS
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXT7EroVezf
他跟阿強相識於幼稚園。他倆都是頑皮孩子，經常氣得老師向父母投訴，父母夜裡就來一頓痛打。他們經常看到對方手腫腳瘀，起初會擔心對方身體，後來發現彼此不怕捱打，只怕玩得不痛快。相顧輕笑，再玩再捱打……玩著捱著，二人同甘共苦十四年，彼此之間有一種難以言喻的默契——只有阿強看出他非但未曾討厭我，反倒羨慕我的不起眼。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUneQY6Dk3
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxiDOpIInO
我好奇李浩榮何解會羨慕不起眼的人。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlW6Cm2M62L
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNLR1t2N2A
「不被注意、不被期望，方能活得自由稱心。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZ5joIOc9U
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFQxV7H1P5
我問他是否有煩惱，可以向我傾訴，也許我能想出好辦法。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoABrNtxSUX
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbISYiqJxl
李浩榮報以苦笑，沒有正面回答。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLD444qqpLd
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzJ5kQOS59
那夜，他喝得爛醉，我送他回家。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OBvs1ojwv
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4SsDyAQDC
伯母應門。是個凶神惡煞的中年婦，語調急促，不帶尾音。她接過李浩榮，留下一句道謝，利落關門。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7M7FbRq4u
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPyEbpmP3S
門關。心頭若有所失——感覺永遠不會再見到李浩榮。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpmMbtQwpbA
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6HiYoQ1IM
其實沒甚麼大不了。這是人生必經的離合過程。不會令我受到任何傷害，亦不會令我蒙受任何損失。著實沒甚麼大不了。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIiS7DWhAD1
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNXCCF6M9B
但我掛念他。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hpy6TKFBi
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MFrQwSewp
不是偶然想起，不是遇上麻煩、需要向他求助，不是看見眼熟物件進而聯想。沒錯，是真正的掛念——我無法自欺。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqEjbQisIV
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyIMN05jCL
想起他，我不期然會笑；想起他，我感覺窩心；想起他，我會自覺孤單可憐。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqfPP0QSPW
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtXLW8jSm2
我漸漸意識到這是甚麼一回事。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlQOpogWfn
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJEZ9V95Tl
糟糕了！怎麼辦？怎麼辦！不知道。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVIE5GYcR4
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiInl6bBGdt
不要說。不要聽。不要見。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAwfk94AFdc
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwoZI2YyOu
希望時間會沖淡一切。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbMwI89Yvh
依稀記得畢業翌日在自家客廳梳化醒來的畫面。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6B1HPwtJx
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJqYQNScuF2
首先映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。眼睛無法於短時間內適應，煞是暈眩，有一股酸餿灼熱自胸腔冒升。想吐。沒法吐。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcDUrzlanP
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHY0Y0KTLoi
阿媽沒有理會我，背對我在廚房煲湯。她對著湯煲說：「昨晚是他送你回來。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4x8jlp8ck
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQObbgtiFls
我敵不過暈眩與劇烈頭痛，重新軟癱梳化上。沒回話打算，反正阿媽定會繼續說下去。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pNu2CvA24
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「我不明白你為何喜歡他。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2DdjM4rhZP
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「我也不明白。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaw2PX0VA83
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「那就不要繼續喜歡。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqH78inCpAu
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「感覺，並非可以自由控制的。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC20p269Wh3
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「我亦無法自由控制我的兒子喜歡誰。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4A2TeyHs6g
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「我也無法自由選擇誰是我的母親。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfQNYYkAe2
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「真抱歉——未得你同意就把你生下來。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxeUBDeGOnf
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「你該要對我感到抱歉。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFD0vSbs23L
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我晦氣，毫不掩飾對她的討厭。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCuWa0Ca5I
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阿媽沒再多話，繼續在廚房忙著。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPUShj4AXt
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真要命。人生就是那麼多無謂紛擾。我的人生屬於我，為何旁人總愛插手？404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdz6VmZewN
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抵著頭痛，我硬撐起身子小便去。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27jVGBTeth
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在抽氣扇綿延不斷的摩打聲襯托下，小便聲清脆得噁心。噁感令我清醒不少，昨晚回憶開始隱約浮現。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0loJcVkEni
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我似乎講過一些不該出口的話。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQsVJ1jINhZ
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真的嗎？我真的把話說出口？404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqClvkU1xqe
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為何這麼驚訝？阿強醉倒後，我特意喝下更多酒，不就是為了把話講出口嗎？404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxi38MW7uVy
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便意盡，醉意消，騰出來的腦空間被後悔和自責分佔了。我呆上半晌才提起褲子洗手去。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8VObvpWmK
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為何要走到這一步？404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpmrZhx7M0f
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阿強早已看出我對許家偉的感情，擔心我走上「歪路」。我有點兒生氣——誰有資格定義這是否歪路。阿強自知沒能說服我，乾脆將觀察所得告訴我媽。性格暴躁的阿媽一反常態，冷靜淡然勸我切勿繼續投放感情。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTLv3ixUt6
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「世人表裡不一。口說開明，實質守舊。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DR9C2WCif
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「是嗎？你呢？你口說放棄，心底裡在支持我吧？」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqDF5AStlP
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「別倔強。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhN6YYLJOxa
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「我想要知道你的真正想法！別敷衍！別蒙混！」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLP5mluAbZY
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「我想你放棄。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdcUlqYH4jw
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「原因？」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnUcM8Zgpcg
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「現實終歸是現實的。你將要面對的困難並非單靠信念、希望和愛情就可以解決。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WDfF1S6XA
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「我知道。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlIvZlPNzpw
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「何解還要繼續下去？」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcsQBo6NCp
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「感情易放難收。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzESOD6mO5
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阿媽沒法回嘴——「感情」一詞明確否定了邏輯和理智，她還有何話可說，只得被動地待我回心轉意。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ10gw2fGzHT
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傍晚，我約見阿強，在公園暗處與他打一架。我們手腫腳瘀，有如兒時被父母教訓一樣。看著彼此頹喪模樣，我既心痛亦生氣——我們的友誼不該淪落至此！我們該可以當一輩子兄弟手足！404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPY0Im8ULV
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架後，我沒有留下片言隻字，待身體稍稍恢復後首先離開回家去，懶理阿強依然躺在草地上粗喘不已。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJ1Y0lNegQ
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阿媽見我身上有傷，許是大概明白那是甚麼一回事，沒有多問，亦不予關心。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFOTeEhHRh
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我不在意，一心思考如何在畢業禮當晚向許家偉表白……404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr33lMpLjdr
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畢業禮，是終結也是新開始。學生們穿戴整齊，戰戰兢兢上台領受證書。莘莘學子前途未卜，能夠掌握在手的只有當下。今朝有酒今朝醉，齊齊喝酒齊齊醉。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡemk7y4SVPa
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阿強取來一支烈酒，邀我對飲：「追求真愛不是那麼容易。至少要比我更能喝。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vX88yVk2c
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我欣然接受。他很了解我，許是估計到我將會乘著酒意找許家偉表白去。我唯一擺脫阿強的方法就是先把他灌醉。我們都不是省油的燈，自小經常一起偷偷喝酒，十分清楚對方酒量和醉態——一旦倒下，沒有廿四小時可醒不過來。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGL6v3KYMNS
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小醉。半醉。大醉。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuitm4kp96
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阿強半伏枱邊，傻笑問我：「想好如何表白了沒？」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDUEcbORTXo
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「直接講我愛他。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJ6C7ju9Pt
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「如果他拒絕？」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNiDPCN8mbj
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「沒怎麼樣。就像我之前被女同學拒絕那樣。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2daneCaHU
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「如果他接受了？那怎麼辦？」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKNjyUVEG7l
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「我當然是高興！」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYaopnPACxE
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「我在問，他會怎麼辦？你認為他的內心強大得能夠與你共同面對往後一切？」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vjrqC6smw
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阿強問了一個我沒有想及的問題。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4j833V0Kl6
事隔四十年，我和李浩榮在阿強的喪禮上再次聚頭。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQgC1stcmX
404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyBzYqe8g9
李浩榮說他在畢業禮後與阿強斷絕了聯絡。我為此道歉。他問我為何道歉。我重提他酒後那段說話。他反問我是否真的認為過錯在我。我答不肯定——我無心令他們鬧翻，但我確是他們鬧翻的原因。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYktoRtzVha
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李浩榮苦笑，笑容意味深長。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bulYam7eV
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「阿強沒講錯。你真懦弱。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ649S6lZkJ4
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「活了那麼多年，經歷那麼多事情，我不得不承認自己的懦弱。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQ8daftNmr
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「你仍然單身？」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzmFwUBz5B
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「是的。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsrmJPI9V8
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「要我當媒嗎？」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrEw0uS7eI
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「不了。難為情。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeaivWtWoZ5
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李浩榮失笑，笑我不值得被愛。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTraT5yIUHH
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我陪笑，笑說我懂得珍愛自己就可以。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcqKjNmDKS
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多寒暄幾句，我和李浩榮相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAifMMIrhuy
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抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLxYW3a3KaZ
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回家吧。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Uc3rvmqHE
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開門。門後空洞空虛空蕩蕩。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZRhHe1vWS
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「戚戚慘慘悽悽，清清冷冷，覓覓尋尋。」興之所至，我一邊脫鞋，一邊倒背《聲聲慢》首三句。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJPZzugp7y
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「尋他千百度，驀然回首，那人卻在燈火闌珊處。」沒有脫襪，懶洋洋得撲到梳化上，順口接上《青玉案．元夕》末句。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0c6jb0LWHY
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枕臂望窗，映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。驀地憶起日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗，憶起他的臉容氣質，憶起那抹笑容。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYoM2c7yi38
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大概是一見鍾情吧。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVuKougVbx
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奈何我當年愚鈍懵懂，後知後覺。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3RKQiK4Srp
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如果我當年及早清楚知道自己的意向，結果會否不一樣？404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUdB2DwSNin
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我笑自己想多了：結果會是一樣的。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZ1h9Kz5FA
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我是懦弱的人，我珍愛自己，所以我不會為他人冒險。我寧願花上一輩子去幻想錯過了的美好愛情，亦不會勇敢踏前一步去追求愛情。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCQfkPhzTp
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李浩榮說得沒錯，我不值得被愛。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmcDzy8Csj
事隔四十年，昔日摯友躺在棺材裡，往日心上人站在我面前。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU2ig6BYFVC
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百感交集……404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVngs4vZXT
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當年我為了許家偉與阿強鬧翻，事後亦沒敢聯絡許家偉。同時失去摯友和心上人，情感上的痛令我失眠了好幾年。那時候，還以為痛楚會一直維持下去，有如浪漫淒美感人的愛情電影情節。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFiTWEwjEs
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不過電影終究與現實不同：角色的難忘遭遇濃縮在短短一個半小時裡，情感故此顯得激烈而深刻；現實中的情感必須經過時間洗禮和加入許多愛情以外因素，例如家庭、工作、健康、個人財政等等。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDRGm8zMvaK
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痛楚自然而然被淡化掉。我漸漸忘了阿強的忠肝義膽和許家偉的獨特魅力，直至今日再聚……404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwJqu9GP8K
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「認得我嗎？我是許家偉。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcOcTFvSLgt
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「認得。你是文班的。」404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0LchrgAfO
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許家偉淺笑，笑容如昔，淡然清雅溫婉。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIuDpgdhGEz
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閒聊之間，發現他仍然單身。究其原因，他只道難為情。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLtd6B01syD
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「你不值得被愛。」我蔑笑。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRPOwEA2jO
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四十年過去，許家偉仍是當初那個許家偉。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBK8hJ5OLJe
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阿強沒講錯——他的內心不會強大得能夠與我共同面對一切。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTapF5wP7c
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「我懂得珍愛自己就可以。」許家偉笑著說。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuA8A5qJAW4
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許家偉在認真？他真心認為這是珍愛自己的行徑？404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHVWtPWQmv
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我哭笑不得。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAUeMPdWWlH
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無意跟他繼續對話。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hufTD8Btc
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多寒暄幾句，我和許家偉相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAuaJ1IpLfd
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抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。
註：此篇會收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。404Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNabKN5qez
and then Add to home screen.