我想,從離開的念頭萌芽,到離開後開展新生活,這個過程大概跟玩電子遊戲過關的概念差不多吧。731Please respect copyright.PENANAf31f3ep2l7
731Please respect copyright.PENANA9ZxnEs0A0G
有人可能在頭一關「你是否有勇氣出走」就已經無法通過,有人可能卡在第二關「你是否放得下香港的一切」無法前進。關於關卡的內容,以上只是其中一個例子,因為當大家實際玩起這個遊戲時,就會發現每個人遇到的關都不一樣。唯一肯定的是,每個人都一定會有卡關的時候。731Please respect copyright.PENANAHTtR0YrWYM
731Please respect copyright.PENANA454sIzWIT6
我呢,一開始輕易過關,因此那時候的我其實不太明白為什麼有些人一開始就卡住,例如我姐。我和我姐的關係不算好也不算壞,不過談及去或留的問題時,由於決定不同,我們的關係就會迅速向壞那邊傾斜。我們吵架的模式通常以我姐生氣地罵着「這個社會也太荒謬了吧!」開始,然後以我淡淡說的一句「那為什麼你還沒有勇氣走呢?」結束。731Please respect copyright.PENANAT9Hpd0Dilc
731Please respect copyright.PENANAW3YaG8w1XS
我姐想跟我分享她的感受,而我只是趁機宣洩不滿——她知道我是對的,但沒有跟我做同樣決定的不滿。即使她在機場禁區前,遞給我利是叫我保重的那時候,我對她的不滿還是非常實在地堆疊在我的胸口間。直至飛機降落瑞典,直至我搬進宿舍,直至我卡關的時候到了——731Please respect copyright.PENANAF0PKEQqzyg
731Please respect copyright.PENANAa66uy44ja1
我的不明腹瀉。731Please respect copyright.PENANAF0HiBjDEPu
731Please respect copyright.PENANAVQtkAeRLrz
排除了因為時差和食物不潔之後,醫生替我做了食物敏感的測試,給了我止瀉藥,但終究沒有找到原因。我自己試着戒掉不同食物看身體反應,仍舊持續腹瀉。然後突然一天,我發現我原來並未試過戒掉所有「食物」——有一個東西我沒有將它視為食物,但我每天都將它放進自己嘴裡。731Please respect copyright.PENANAZ4yn6jPUtZ
731Please respect copyright.PENANA7fAF6PFV0W
水。731Please respect copyright.PENANA0lOGgiTZyT
731Please respect copyright.PENANAybcGKEs6p1
我無法適應瑞典的水。731Please respect copyright.PENANALM0v8NFiOR
731Please respect copyright.PENANAMXuxSTHcIJ
不論是水喉水,還是瓶裝水都不行。731Please respect copyright.PENANAr6OPboiBCD
731Please respect copyright.PENANAmkexp70QIi
有人聽見我對瑞典水敏感,蹙眉問我為什麼,我說,就是身體單純地不接受。對方還帶着一副「怎麼可能」的神情斷言說:人不可能對水敏感。731Please respect copyright.PENANAEC7wCesUAW
731Please respect copyright.PENANAzPkYTvZ9QN
但問題是我的身體確實不適應啊。731Please respect copyright.PENANAQylR8POjii
731Please respect copyright.PENANApgSQMwXnLh
「那為什麼其他人都適應得到,唯獨你無法呢?」他的聲音甚至有點生氣了。731Please respect copyright.PENANAYp3XBGTK6R
731Please respect copyright.PENANARyyD3VMiIG
我彷彿可以看到我自己的影子跟他重疊,只是我說的那一句是:「那為什麼你還沒有勇氣走呢?」他說的那句是:「為什麼唯獨你無法呢?」731Please respect copyright.PENANALOOTijVRmQ
731Please respect copyright.PENANAxHeft15VtE
或許是我身體裡面有什麼不能喝瑞典水的缺陷,而我對此沒有辦法。731Please respect copyright.PENANA0EP3nU2eMX
731Please respect copyright.PENANAFqVecOVw95
沒.有.辦.法。731Please respect copyright.PENANAyBYV7Lf8gA
731Please respect copyright.PENANAK7flu6Zwdp
我姐的沉默原來是這個意思。731Please respect copyright.PENANA5XJbEmMthL
731Please respect copyright.PENANAk4CelzTmW5
當然,只要我想,又不介意繼續腹瀉,我還是可以繼續喝。但我想,我也有不喝的權利。如果有人因此而生氣的話,就隨便生氣吧。731Please respect copyright.PENANArs7ASGZoRd
731Please respect copyright.PENANAvW8C0PDdnW
同樣地,我姐也有不勇敢的權利。決心留下來的人,也有不玩這個遊戲的權利。731Please respect copyright.PENANAwGLSyRtcXI
731Please respect copyright.PENANABtC2QBkIS9
而且他們不需要向任何人解釋。731Please respect copyright.PENANAHmjh20nr8F
731Please respect copyright.PENANA3oxKvl2DfU
我姐說:你到了瑞典之後好像變溫柔了。731Please respect copyright.PENANAyq6JKInzwc
731Please respect copyright.PENANAgx44XY84es
我告訴我姐關於瑞典的夏天,陽光曬着草地上的野餐墊,以及比外表看起來親切得多的當地人。但我沒有說在冬天醒來,天空是暗的,時鐘指針指向4點20分,瑞典漫長的冬天讓我無法確定當下是凌晨還是下午。在只有檯燈亮着的房間,我一個人想着4點20分到底是什麼意思,那種無法掌握現實的感覺,應該是我目前為止經歷過最深的孤獨感。731Please respect copyright.PENANAKj2XOCMPQG
731Please respect copyright.PENANADQ8Pgmc74h
只要經歷過這樣的孤獨感,人是沒可能不變得溫柔的。731Please respect copyright.PENANADeyAD1yn7e
731Please respect copyright.PENANAA1Gs9OkIU9
我姐告訴我的也只有「你就專心出去闖啦,我會照顧阿爸阿媽。」731Please respect copyright.PENANAWmBYOuc6DM
731Please respect copyright.PENANA5GCtEW1GXj
她沒有說的,一定也有很多。731Please respect copyright.PENANAwQj4nHrhF1
731Please respect copyright.PENANAoGnRPmfE9S
掛線前,她說,你那邊乾燥,多喝點水。731Please respect copyright.PENANAwIYFx9IZKm
731Please respect copyright.PENANAxlGmvhUyUF
我會拼命喝除了瑞典水之外,世界各地的,只要我身體能承受的水。然後,我變得更溫柔,同時又更強悍吧。731Please respect copyright.PENANAvYj4u08zTP
731Please respect copyright.PENANA6DFtN7NBu5
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《言點》徵稿 II:離開
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《言點》徵稿 II:離開
Published:
Jan 4, 2022
ENTRY #99
時差
Author:
Annie H
Published:
Jan 4, 2022
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《言點》徵稿 II:離開
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