我想,從離開的念頭萌芽,到離開後開展新生活,這個過程大概跟玩電子遊戲過關的概念差不多吧。751Please respect copyright.PENANA0ZHgdp257d
751Please respect copyright.PENANAV7Zc4eRXbo
有人可能在頭一關「你是否有勇氣出走」就已經無法通過,有人可能卡在第二關「你是否放得下香港的一切」無法前進。關於關卡的內容,以上只是其中一個例子,因為當大家實際玩起這個遊戲時,就會發現每個人遇到的關都不一樣。唯一肯定的是,每個人都一定會有卡關的時候。751Please respect copyright.PENANATFNOnUGvPv
751Please respect copyright.PENANA3HXuqwf4oT
我呢,一開始輕易過關,因此那時候的我其實不太明白為什麼有些人一開始就卡住,例如我姐。我和我姐的關係不算好也不算壞,不過談及去或留的問題時,由於決定不同,我們的關係就會迅速向壞那邊傾斜。我們吵架的模式通常以我姐生氣地罵着「這個社會也太荒謬了吧!」開始,然後以我淡淡說的一句「那為什麼你還沒有勇氣走呢?」結束。751Please respect copyright.PENANAl1rl28eBhg
751Please respect copyright.PENANAUg0mdu1R0y
我姐想跟我分享她的感受,而我只是趁機宣洩不滿——她知道我是對的,但沒有跟我做同樣決定的不滿。即使她在機場禁區前,遞給我利是叫我保重的那時候,我對她的不滿還是非常實在地堆疊在我的胸口間。直至飛機降落瑞典,直至我搬進宿舍,直至我卡關的時候到了——751Please respect copyright.PENANAhPEI4bg3Wq
751Please respect copyright.PENANAyAGAsQdbRv
我的不明腹瀉。751Please respect copyright.PENANATrVH5BDt2w
751Please respect copyright.PENANAixXDpYPwGH
排除了因為時差和食物不潔之後,醫生替我做了食物敏感的測試,給了我止瀉藥,但終究沒有找到原因。我自己試着戒掉不同食物看身體反應,仍舊持續腹瀉。然後突然一天,我發現我原來並未試過戒掉所有「食物」——有一個東西我沒有將它視為食物,但我每天都將它放進自己嘴裡。751Please respect copyright.PENANA3nB4Ldxsbn
751Please respect copyright.PENANAXIEJZEyuoU
水。751Please respect copyright.PENANAKY9YpX3CxH
751Please respect copyright.PENANA3jmVPf8VGS
我無法適應瑞典的水。751Please respect copyright.PENANAFKXX563dh2
751Please respect copyright.PENANAXmEtcjLi1h
不論是水喉水,還是瓶裝水都不行。751Please respect copyright.PENANAoM1CD6Lfpb
751Please respect copyright.PENANAf4wGaB7TiX
有人聽見我對瑞典水敏感,蹙眉問我為什麼,我說,就是身體單純地不接受。對方還帶着一副「怎麼可能」的神情斷言說:人不可能對水敏感。751Please respect copyright.PENANACsCSLTDjyA
751Please respect copyright.PENANAcqHVYYssf6
但問題是我的身體確實不適應啊。751Please respect copyright.PENANAZbujpTqyBK
751Please respect copyright.PENANABAbsE3faW1
「那為什麼其他人都適應得到,唯獨你無法呢?」他的聲音甚至有點生氣了。751Please respect copyright.PENANARyzBHlPAII
751Please respect copyright.PENANApQEObK0vT7
我彷彿可以看到我自己的影子跟他重疊,只是我說的那一句是:「那為什麼你還沒有勇氣走呢?」他說的那句是:「為什麼唯獨你無法呢?」751Please respect copyright.PENANAIvBzY94O7W
751Please respect copyright.PENANAiIxjoVUFwV
或許是我身體裡面有什麼不能喝瑞典水的缺陷,而我對此沒有辦法。751Please respect copyright.PENANA5DCf8XyH2s
751Please respect copyright.PENANAAjHssA3lEL
沒.有.辦.法。751Please respect copyright.PENANAoV5peQfaSB
751Please respect copyright.PENANAdhua897YpO
我姐的沉默原來是這個意思。751Please respect copyright.PENANAhNnWSB800L
751Please respect copyright.PENANAamIJF74y05
當然,只要我想,又不介意繼續腹瀉,我還是可以繼續喝。但我想,我也有不喝的權利。如果有人因此而生氣的話,就隨便生氣吧。751Please respect copyright.PENANA1CzlOxA4ZG
751Please respect copyright.PENANAdvTWfyLmiI
同樣地,我姐也有不勇敢的權利。決心留下來的人,也有不玩這個遊戲的權利。751Please respect copyright.PENANAT6CJifqVuA
751Please respect copyright.PENANAmcDghffkK0
而且他們不需要向任何人解釋。751Please respect copyright.PENANAS2Xauz3WI6
751Please respect copyright.PENANASyBJjGiU3Q
我姐說:你到了瑞典之後好像變溫柔了。751Please respect copyright.PENANAlj7G1QKxw4
751Please respect copyright.PENANAhhpOAvYzsq
我告訴我姐關於瑞典的夏天,陽光曬着草地上的野餐墊,以及比外表看起來親切得多的當地人。但我沒有說在冬天醒來,天空是暗的,時鐘指針指向4點20分,瑞典漫長的冬天讓我無法確定當下是凌晨還是下午。在只有檯燈亮着的房間,我一個人想着4點20分到底是什麼意思,那種無法掌握現實的感覺,應該是我目前為止經歷過最深的孤獨感。751Please respect copyright.PENANAafaplnfYEF
751Please respect copyright.PENANA8rnfDPHKQf
只要經歷過這樣的孤獨感,人是沒可能不變得溫柔的。751Please respect copyright.PENANALiKJwY3iTR
751Please respect copyright.PENANAAjyl8Ja9WQ
我姐告訴我的也只有「你就專心出去闖啦,我會照顧阿爸阿媽。」751Please respect copyright.PENANACgek0fYWJB
751Please respect copyright.PENANAqmS95BuLCo
她沒有說的,一定也有很多。751Please respect copyright.PENANAaSP8jHRyur
751Please respect copyright.PENANANaFiQ5ljTM
掛線前,她說,你那邊乾燥,多喝點水。751Please respect copyright.PENANAQULuO0nXls
751Please respect copyright.PENANA5MXNWppCMB
我會拼命喝除了瑞典水之外,世界各地的,只要我身體能承受的水。然後,我變得更溫柔,同時又更強悍吧。751Please respect copyright.PENANAzqFAwQTtRZ
751Please respect copyright.PENANAp59mkjsYdL
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《言點》徵稿 II:離開
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《言點》徵稿 II:離開
Published:
Jan 4, 2022
ENTRY #99
時差
Author:
Annie H
Published:
Jan 4, 2022
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