
封面:313Please respect copyright.PENANAYUWa575Nv7
無題 | もちろん
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EP 21 還請你相信瘋狂的我313Please respect copyright.PENANACRo8PA0Xx0
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「你為什麼不可以讓我去死?!我受不了這一切了!」
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「不行⋯不行⋯⋯因為⋯」
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疑問的句子在左耳進入,右耳出去,是經過了大腦,唯獨是沒辦法掌握住313Please respect copyright.PENANAbGarKAvaeW
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始終這道問題,如果認真思考,是無解
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不是「無解」,是沒有我想要的答案313Please respect copyright.PENANAuNoOkXOhKM
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老實說,在經歷這一切之後,以及目睹她的作為後,甚至把我拉入仙境,要殺死我,至少,我猜她在變得如此感性前,我知道她掙扎過,在一些我不知道的事情、時候上313Please respect copyright.PENANABXzUtl5dqH
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心理學上,有一個論說:人是不會改變的313Please respect copyright.PENANA7DCe62AVU0
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孩童時真性,三歲定八十,好歹我倆曾經是朋友、知己,我知道她和自己是同一種人
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對於其他人而言,我們很跳脫
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這只不過是因為我們總是想多一步在前
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因為有時,有些想法,不是這麼輕易就能以言語表達出來313Please respect copyright.PENANAyuxSX5TSqr
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因為說話,是要有目的313Please respect copyright.PENANAekGvplIG9w
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因為多餘的感情,不該以說話講出,畢竟帶刺的話誰也不想聽到,但這情況經常發生,最終更會化為最惡的下場
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因為維護關係,很困難313Please respect copyright.PENANA3geQNFGNea
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只是因為害怕313Please respect copyright.PENANAImnDiC7f9J
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害怕失去
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害怕去認錯313Please respect copyright.PENANABbmVaulXi5
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因為失去得太多的時候,不理性的「理性思考」得出的結果,往往是偏激的313Please respect copyright.PENANARnIUP09Mg9
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被理性束縛的我們,被世界不溫柔對待的我們,心靈被無情粉碎的我們313Please respect copyright.PENANA9P2GETt0TO
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很難不有「這是我的錯」的想法313Please respect copyright.PENANAtrWHXXRFkU
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卻,這也是真相
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我們總是犯錯
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我們原諒不了自己
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但這沒關係的
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那怕這代表⋯並不代表什麼
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這代表了所有
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我想得到的答案是什麼?我不知道
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那麼,來撞錯吧
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「不行⋯因為——」313Please respect copyright.PENANAyaZ3wKXApV
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—— 才不會先讓你從這煉獄中輕易解脫啊! ——313Please respect copyright.PENANAFIz2l3TE9e
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我第一次,不知道什麼從喉頂跑了出口313Please respect copyright.PENANA6kDNBnmYfn
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第一次,我放棄了思考話語並對自己的感情屈服了
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「這是什麼意思?」313Please respect copyright.PENANAt07Lgs5ZTg
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「殺了這麼多人的你現在才說反悔?要死去?卻不把一直以來都掙扎著的我一同帶走?!這算是可憐我嗎?!」
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「我可不值得!我毀了一切!因為我害怕!我害怕若然你依賴於我的話⋯我會傷害你」
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「話是這樣⋯但 —— 」
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「我只是真的這麼自私」313Please respect copyright.PENANAoAXPDCTvwo
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「我只是不想負上責任!我只是覺得我沒用!我成為不了一個盡責保護後輩的兄長!我也成為不了你的朋友!你可靠的支柱!!」313Please respect copyright.PENANAoHJ8MyjCGa
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「爱麗絲又好,鈴木 花子也好⋯也只是一個人⋯我不在乎⋯但是⋯你要死去的話⋯」
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血液,有點上不去頭殻的位置
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「⋯單單死去,這只是同樣身負重罪的我們,一個讓自己輕鬆的方法啊!」
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「後悔只是一個感覺⋯但即使如此⋯⋯誰真的會原諒自己呀?!你別自把自為,將想法加到別人身上才是啊!混帳!」
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「就是因為無法被原諒!才更加要受苦!」313Please respect copyright.PENANA6FbWt2nZn6
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「活在這個煉獄中」313Please respect copyright.PENANAlNXdTRDvw4
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「我才不管你願不願意!」313Please respect copyright.PENANA45nOgMLg0y
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手在震
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「閉嘴!花子!我說!」313Please respect copyright.PENANAHph5XWekkE
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「我說得矛盾又如何!幹他的!這個世界根本沒有邏輯可言!」
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「我們⋯要活下去⋯」
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「不要自作主張⋯對吧?!」
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「要活著⋯!」
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只見自己的手,抓住的,只有她的手,冰刺已經溶化
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回應,是嘲笑
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本身的用意是那樣
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然而少女的笑聲,越是持續,淚泣就越強
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「說什麼傻話⋯哈哈⋯」
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她放開了手,退後
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「⋯有夠⋯愚蠢⋯」
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雙手抱胸,是一個自我保護的肢體動作
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少女側身,迴避自己的視線,困惑的眼神
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「⋯那麼你要做什麼?先提提你,你不殺死我⋯是離開不了這裏的」
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「不,我知道方法」
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我說,回想著大和的話
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『克服創傷的力量』313Please respect copyright.PENANAB0BkKvh6tV
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「哈哈⋯方法?」
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「你不是大和,你在過去,並沒有克服到這創傷的力量,你要如何做到」
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「所謂的改變夢境的力量」
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「再者⋯我已經反省過了」
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「仙境已經重拾原有的力量」
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「如果大和或是任何人,包括你⋯進入了,仙境絕不輕易放手」
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「即使你變心了?」
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「這⋯⋯這是一時的⋯」
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「我⋯我⋯⋯我一點也不覺得你所說的話有道理」
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「毫無說服力,對,毫無說服力」
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「若說,為了讓你活下去,我克服這創傷呢?」
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「⋯⋯」
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「你已經忘記了說話的方法了嗎?哈哈⋯」
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「⋯⋯」
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片刻的沉默,我開始對自己的行為失去控制,或是說,我正跟隨當下的想法,行事
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少女注意到,覺得可笑,也露出悲哀
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眉間的額,不是開心的上揚,也不是傷心的下皺
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困惑,只是困惑
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「仙境要你死」
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「但是我做不到,對不起」
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「我已經受夠了⋯」
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低下頭,綠色的頭髮遮住了臉
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「⋯閉嘴⋯怪物⋯」313Please respect copyright.PENANAeECdNeWEs2
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「我知道自己在說在做什麼⋯我才是爱麗絲⋯」313Please respect copyright.PENANAKBGJ7jNQSa
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「⋯⋯」313Please respect copyright.PENANA3Qh1ih6p1W
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「⋯抱歉⋯我只是和一個你看不到的存在說話⋯」313Please respect copyright.PENANA7meyPZsZJq
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對於自己眼中的自言自語,她解釋道
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看不到的存在⋯
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看不到⋯313Please respect copyright.PENANANOQ9RKtj5v
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破壞⋯⋯
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「如果,我破壞這份記憶呢?」313Please respect copyright.PENANAaHZ2eXbaUa
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拿起車內的破窗鎚,我走近人偶
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走到她的後面
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記憶中,車內只有一道沒有壞的窗口
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如果可以,我那時可以從該處逃出去
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不過,根本沒可能,在那時勢中
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但現在 ——
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「等等⋯你在 ——」
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「 —— 住手!」
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但我已經敲了下去,鎚尖的共振器將窗屏的透明度增加
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同時,振動感亦在該手傳來
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烈痛
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「一茂!」
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「⋯記憶是你自己的一部分⋯你這樣子,是在傷害自己呀⋯」
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「但是⋯這能不能讓我們離開仙境?」
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「摧毀仙境所寄生的記憶⋯可以⋯但是⋯」
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「可以了,我明白了」
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鎚尖的共振器,再次將窗屏的透明度增加,下次,應該便可以了
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痛覺,無法無視,但胸內的衝動將之壓了下來
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像骨折一樣的感覺
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「⋯對不起⋯」
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像斷開了一樣
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「明明我打算⋯一起凍死好了⋯這麼麻煩⋯⋯」
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下次,我的手也可能再也動不了
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「我很自私⋯⋯對不起⋯」
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「但對著這麼自私的我⋯你⋯」
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「你⋯⋯你這打算⋯有什麼意思?」
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呼吸,還是不穩定,但我拼命忍耐著窒息感,以最平穩而清晰的聲音,説
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「我們一起活下去吧」313Please respect copyright.PENANAjNX9r9ZZSV
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少女的眼窩流出一行又一行的痕跡
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「⋯我恨你⋯」313Please respect copyright.PENANAg7YXkbGOAM
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最後一下
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窗屏上出現了裂痕,一下子,碎掉,打開了313Please respect copyright.PENANA9pGTQPpDDY
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我的手,也好像舉不起了
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頓時,一道綠光,照了進來
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我知道,我認為,一切也要完了
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「花子,我們 ⋯」313Please respect copyright.PENANAbpiYo7lwp8
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「一起離開吧」
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轉頭,我看向她
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「花子?」313Please respect copyright.PENANA4hnUmQCyPm