No Plagiarism!LrkOCeSGLDflOq2s4LU6posted on PENANA
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANArtGSy1KV84 維尼
這裡是「太歲兵團 X 萌動學生小說集2021」寫作營的8964 copyright protection478PENANAUAvbcZvZiX 維尼
【海選選秀環節】8964 copyright protection478PENANAwEduX7yUp4 維尼
海選階段中還沒有得到評論的23名參賽者將會逐一上場,三位導師將會就參賽者的作品給出建議,也會就參賽者給出⭕️跟❌。8964 copyright protection478PENANAvDIOXVeYG4 維尼
得到2⭕️或更多的參賽者將進入候選區,得到1⭕️或更少的則無緣參與戰隊賽。8964 copyright protection478PENANASL14SAWdTj 維尼
三位導師將就候選區的參賽者排出邀請順序,然後交由節目組處理。8964 copyright protection478PENANAu7mjJ2C4RK 維尼
每名導師最多只能給出7個⭕️,還有僅僅一次拯救心儀參賽者的機會,直接把一名得到1⭕️或更少的參賽者拉進邀請順序第一名的機會——8964 copyright protection478PENANAHVBW035nfc 維尼
誠意拳拳8964 copyright protection478PENANA7JOXDL5lVR 維尼
8964 copyright protection478PENANAksddmozCwn 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAleMAh3ml24 維尼
事不宜遲!482Please respect copyright.PENANANDa8TjB9nL
現在有請三位導師進場!482Please respect copyright.PENANAh9wXprURnc
楓成、東南、紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANABvIlrOXTNJ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANA0X6ALQq8vU 維尼
大家看完海選的作品整體上有沒有甚麼感想的?482Please respect copyright.PENANAVhi7Cm7QzG
或者覺得這次的參賽作品如何?8964 copyright protection478PENANAGQx9I4Lwr4 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAIrkGI08fFW 維尼
嗯,比我想像中還要出色!(認真8964 copyright protection478PENANAVhkVLeekSh 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAeompkcwy74 維尼
我是有點小驚喜482Please respect copyright.PENANAyugogjxPc8
水準遠比想象中出色8964 copyright protection478PENANAp2IDlF9fr7 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAqO7TVyQl6r 維尼
很驚喜的是收到了很多不同的作品482Please respect copyright.PENANAHHyYkzWHXN
(可能是看了我的小提示哈哈8964 copyright protection478PENANAkBuWhPSLXT 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAdwbEDft9h3 維尼
在構思這個活動時,其實我們有說過不要對作品質素有太大的期望。482Please respect copyright.PENANAi2og6Z52Ks
但想不到這次出來的水準讓我大感驚喜。482Please respect copyright.PENANAzOxBbM5BhN
挺感動的8964 copyright protection478PENANANf3O5jORdp 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAuDd38fr5cF 維尼
參賽者們都看見了嗎?482Please respect copyright.PENANAUsVjEyBEwi
給自己點掌聲吧!8964 copyright protection478PENANAxyvwmMYcc7 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAMHQiob9Xxy 維尼
拍拍拍~~~8964 copyright protection478PENANAITWYGtw2L6 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAuz05hSNi3m 維尼
啪啪啪482Please respect copyright.PENANADUcslkNlTx
啊不482Please respect copyright.PENANAqcjMtke4mM
拍拍拍8964 copyright protection478PENANAH0Xi5qu5nN 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANASxRfIPYYb6 維尼
喂!482Please respect copyright.PENANAnv3gkoP6N7
有人懷疑開車8964 copyright protection478PENANAD4aMBuGObb 維尼
好喇,我們進入今天的主要環節吧!482Please respect copyright.PENANAy6FNnI9qhT
接下來作品就會輪著上場。482Please respect copyright.PENANA7S6yIGW0p8
三位評審要說說評語482Please respect copyright.PENANAU1sGu21lWY
給⭕️ 還是❌的482Please respect copyright.PENANA5Dlqz4wOKY
每個評審也只有七次給出⭕️的機會8964 copyright protection478PENANAGPt5fa2N4a 維尼
三位都清楚了吧?8964 copyright protection478PENANArRVYO9z5cx 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAaXVNAJDrze 維尼
清楚8964 copyright protection478PENANAMfdvGKGEcB 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANABUFppjUisB 維尼
沒問題!8964 copyright protection478PENANA98GJ04YYu0 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAyOHATNc29k 維尼
好的!8964 copyright protection478PENANAUUOy5J6469 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAdBD8jQ9dti 維尼
好的,那我們第一個登場的參賽者是……482Please respect copyright.PENANAho3lZZjNQC
悠晴!還有他的作品——8964 copyright protection478PENANACbbDQgXj7z 維尼
482Please respect copyright.PENANA39QOYn9Ujo
8964 copyright protection478PENANADifBW1JVcs 維尼
(BL)十年·約定8964 copyright protection478PENANA6KKnJ7ykKg 維尼
482Please respect copyright.PENANAwVveqJBDlP
8964 copyright protection478PENANAtp8ZoVr3T9 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAduQOB7Ctf9 維尼
這是參賽作品中少數的BL作品哦8964 copyright protection478PENANA90REDbW2uB 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANATvSszNbvRo 維尼
這篇的情感描寫很是不錯,當中把男女兒身的無奈表達得頗到位。8964 copyright protection478PENANAOn92G5fRO0 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANA2wMPNR608p 維尼
我覺得作者的文字是有他(她)的風格的,只是覺得主角被背叛的情節稍嫌有點太平靜,與子佑的交流也未夠深入。8964 copyright protection478PENANAq4qsXFf0S9 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAxkmy5NB8De 維尼
BL 作品其實一般而言我會打冷顫的,利申我不是恐同,只是個人對這種題材比較容易打冷顫而已。482Please respect copyright.PENANAiTBhca2WZW
但其實這篇作品我覺得算是有自己風格的,但中途高潮的一幕(被背叛的一幕)過得有點平淡。482Please respect copyright.PENANA70aU3NmNpG
所以就不夠深入8964 copyright protection478PENANAErrDCK63vo 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAwgk9KrtxsG 維尼
嗯,所以東南是嫌他們BL的不夠深入www8964 copyright protection478PENANAu1jVHk4oip 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANArkYLcXwroP 維尼
啊,也不算是8964 copyright protection478PENANAhzygYu2oa6 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANA0u9uad69Tj 維尼
我記得我直接問他有沒有看完(笑)8964 copyright protection478PENANAWAHG990Y0t 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAGQ1AMOlp60 維尼
其實我是比較反對開宗明義寫「BL」的。因為我覺得愛情小說不會標明是「BGL」或者什麼的,那為什麼BL要標榜自己是BL呢?482Please respect copyright.PENANAZlmpBtt7DJ
但其實這篇我覺得不錯就是寫出男孩子的無奈,男孩子喜歡男孩子的猶豫也有寫出來。唯獨可能就是高潮差一點吧。8964 copyright protection478PENANAFM0mcPyPdo 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANANE2hYZ4lUc 維尼
就⋯⋯可能會有人特地找這類的作品吧8964 copyright protection478PENANAjnm6eydIOS 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAe819L663X5 維尼
然後,留言區裡,悠晴有寫到要給紀言大大傳教呢ww482Please respect copyright.PENANA3uneWB0boY
紀言大大會因為這樣不要他嗎?ww8964 copyright protection478PENANADH1KH7TsNk 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAAP26krcV6r 維尼
傳教(大笑8964 copyright protection478PENANAu5Kq0gFkPG 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAy8wJD8lahY 維尼
對啦。把她踢到BL坑裏面就可。8964 copyright protection478PENANAkVWPpn9Mkz 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAHW1hpWXIb8 維尼
那⋯⋯偷偷告訴她,我的新書將會有BL情節呵呵呵8964 copyright protection478PENANA7xOYCdhka5 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAavG8qvgzrs 維尼
竟然!482Please respect copyright.PENANAN2AAPsW7AN
竟然會有人這樣偷偷打廣告!ww8964 copyright protection478PENANArjEt5LTDkh 維尼
好了。482Please respect copyright.PENANArU9C661PEN
那差不多是時候要給⭕️❌囉482Please respect copyright.PENANAgqvLrCGuH1
三位準備好,數三聲就來囉8964 copyright protection478PENANACPw1jbGP3Q 維尼
3482Please respect copyright.PENANAuvapPmbPEG
2482Please respect copyright.PENANAex6aRjLYGZ
18964 copyright protection478PENANAZ9ia4KDV5n 維尼
8964 copyright protection478PENANAkInJfxYAFu 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAuxiKIdSk7a 維尼
!!482Please respect copyright.PENANAOpZBMB7oSq
竟然!482Please respect copyright.PENANAMyM8QUO2Zr
第一個參賽者就……8964 copyright protection478PENANAOcu9hbypu4 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANANomqUVy8bf 維尼
很抱歉,名額有限。不要氣餒,繼續加油。8964 copyright protection478PENANAzibU4BBLJu 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANA3PE4wEYkoQ 維尼
真的很可惜8964 copyright protection478PENANA9LQdJdfQYW 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAEnpNilv5xz 維尼
殘酷的比賽……8964 copyright protection478PENANAhR4TbJKBY5 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAMROM13Plmf 維尼
有沒有甚麼建議,或者可以改善的嗎?8964 copyright protection478PENANA4T2Ofng7U9 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAcVvmKqIiIV 維尼
希望她努力點傳教!8964 copyright protection478PENANAFvlELFgCGU 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANA8yXd4SvVaM 維尼
改善嗎?就是故事中「起承轉合」,一般「轉」就是高潮所在,前面堆疊,高潮時要適當情感爆發,才可以讓讀者讀得投入。482Please respect copyright.PENANA09mmdQsZGQ
以後注意一下高潮的鋪排,加油。8964 copyright protection478PENANAbljvb2m5Yj 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANADEaox6vVTW 維尼
故事中二人經歷的事情欠缺,導致讀者有機會難以代入故事之中,這方面多加描寫劇情會更加精彩。482Please respect copyright.PENANA0w9CH33dO4
繼續加油!8964 copyright protection478PENANAkK4i4nwEXu 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAE7x09t2FBP 維尼
好的482Please respect copyright.PENANAKlIiNmtr3t
不好意思了,悠晴無緣進入戰隊賽了。8964 copyright protection478PENANAT34SxVDIft 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANA3Qgn4odIOd 維尼
還是有復活戰哦8964 copyright protection478PENANAHbO0toj02x 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANA8PiIHwmfka 維尼
對!482Please respect copyright.PENANAPOejNTSuqz
不用急著放棄8964 copyright protection478PENANABGRWxJ9xJ6 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAJuqUgkHTia 維尼
錯,是不要放棄。8964 copyright protection478PENANAM0AUW7Bp5y 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAVJoy7MHdsQ 維尼
對對www8964 copyright protection478PENANAjKgOIvDqsH 維尼
那下一個參賽作已經準備好!482Please respect copyright.PENANABzX5gIiukm
是Kokou,和他的作品——8964 copyright protection478PENANAnerWgRWfrJ 維尼
482Please respect copyright.PENANAsIE6M80vx8
8964 copyright protection478PENANApX8rzgnXC5 維尼
潮湧、潮枯8964 copyright protection478PENANAcESVELs7pt 維尼
482Please respect copyright.PENANAsX8ctawK7z
8964 copyright protection478PENANA5geuwNvjQJ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAsvHHUg9pfs 維尼
這篇我認得欸,是選我的。8964 copyright protection478PENANA9NHAxzfNHc 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAeN4hRLqQzc 維尼
是少數選東南戰隊的參賽者ww8964 copyright protection478PENANAg5HuP4Gj1H 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAQiJkJMnEkd 維尼
...........482Please respect copyright.PENANAuLSzH1fdcw
對....是少數選我的哼8964 copyright protection478PENANAe9yAfrphO8 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANA1ZLkyavxuk 維尼
笑死8964 copyright protection478PENANAqdsCZgAtSm 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANASBvJTH63jI 維尼
(大笑8964 copyright protection478PENANA6SAiL10pjt 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANA1phHJAodFK 維尼
好吧,那我就先說喇482Please respect copyright.PENANA7dyG5QbZoH
這篇帶有一種空靈與孤獨的感覺。482Please respect copyright.PENANAxnOqcgoE92
其實這種末日的設計是不錯的,可是我覺得有很多設定都寫得有點隱晦?(不知是否故意)482Please respect copyright.PENANA0IX3ew2z0E
比如說海族人的設定,到底是aquaman還是美人魚,又比如說病到底是什麼,又比如說主角返祖會變成什麼,又比如說龍舌蘭到底是什麼。482Please respect copyright.PENANA0h3xQyxeFM
本身通過故事(主角的路程)進行對世界觀的描寫,這點是不錯的。482Please respect copyright.PENANABNZoIPljKK
但終究正篇故事有點空洞,或許是作者的文風偏向散文而非小說吧,以至雖然角色刻畫到出來,但個世界觀有太多地方需要讀者腦補,這點就比較可惜了。8964 copyright protection478PENANAQIKUurUnWr 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAF0A3VyXiZ3 維尼
題材是蠻特別的482Please respect copyright.PENANAxEndGXYOaT
可是放在小說比賽中就不是太適合482Please respect copyright.PENANA6CMkYeV5Cj
我覺得這篇該拿去參加青年文學獎XP這邊是小說比賽喇~8964 copyright protection478PENANALDsDVg2Ni1 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANALRczfefga4 維尼
我的意見也類近482Please respect copyright.PENANAgsCcZ4DYWV
個人認為故事過於抽象,透過佈局與設定產生懸念是相當合理。482Please respect copyright.PENANAIdFa0ZMwjY
但卻是需要在之後透過一定程度的解釋,令讀者基本掌握情況及世界觀。但我在看畢整篇,卻發現需要讀者自行猜測、腦補的地方太多,這方面需要多加注意。8964 copyright protection478PENANA35UICovo7X 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAM60B1DTSIo 維尼
對,個世界設定讓我想起了《瘋狂道》這部電影,是有趣的,但應該在文中說清楚一點。8964 copyright protection478PENANAEZr4fjL9rJ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANA0sMFXllOHH 維尼
嗯……482Please respect copyright.PENANA9F3YLmZCqv
聽起來好像有點可惜482Please respect copyright.PENANAehtLXlscea
到底三位是會給給⭕️還是❌呢?482Please respect copyright.PENANAxU0OkMvy9C
三位準備好,數三聲就來囉8964 copyright protection478PENANAPlOehDBSnL 維尼
3482Please respect copyright.PENANARV1HpcAL3n
2482Please respect copyright.PENANAaQzqmxzpLV
18964 copyright protection478PENANAqK2aqpMEcq 維尼
8964 copyright protection478PENANAVjIxCy5qZO 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAXbEQeiUjiY 維尼
……8964 copyright protection478PENANAE7w4oEF3ik 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAAZ2Grt21wX 維尼
都是比較可惜482Please respect copyright.PENANAMhKwBzGI0V
因為只有7個名額8964 copyright protection478PENANAVcZv7rkdFJ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANA2OpTYZhoeO 維尼
別說了……482Please respect copyright.PENANAS8F6lmMr5h
你們都是魔鬼啊!8964 copyright protection478PENANAZrMop732lY 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAR34tHD8oc7 維尼
都是節目組的錯啊482Please respect copyright.PENANAwB4bn5rUQS
你給我10個名額我會圈欸拜託8964 copyright protection478PENANA6NetLTQAYK 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAy911eaWalr 維尼
殘酷的節目組8964 copyright protection478PENANA7e8BPUFiB4 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAkcVZ3MaYok 維尼
喂!ww482Please respect copyright.PENANA66S4d1zCr7
被欺凌喇!8964 copyright protection478PENANAmVWnDrirTZ 維尼
好了,三位有甚麼想跟Kokou說的嗎?8964 copyright protection478PENANAcbI9UZpZw8 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAx5XvQzTD43 維尼
小小建議:作者,是一個說故事的人,若只有自己看懂的故事並不算成功喔。482Please respect copyright.PENANAMuJEUthi7G
加油加油!8964 copyright protection478PENANA7R2J0WpDXJ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAn73XlAHnXN 維尼
但我都還是想寄語一下作者。482Please respect copyright.PENANAEmYEwEBm7E
有時候或許要適當調整下自己文筆。其實作為散文的話是不錯的,但無奈是小說比賽,就要想想真的用「故事」去打動讀者。482Please respect copyright.PENANADhJHxyQDiw
加油!!8964 copyright protection478PENANA6Mdlu26tnm 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAQvSaXHXNk7 維尼
照這個題材其實再加編排,應該是可以改成不錯的小說的8964 copyright protection478PENANAUuSlI0e6s9 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAqCmFO9k1fu 維尼
PS: 我真的想鼓勵你但節目組只有7個名額 QAQ8964 copyright protection478PENANA7BdaIZJcgd 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANANrwuI5tlVS 維尼
(裝看不見)www8964 copyright protection478PENANAQX6FyFJYjA 維尼
已經兩名參賽者被狠狠淘汰了!第三位參賽者可以撐得過去嗎!482Please respect copyright.PENANAmJqA1zZ3Uq
那一起來看第三位參賽者!儀洛羊的8964 copyright protection478PENANAqRS9SgQb8L 維尼
482Please respect copyright.PENANAlZBIZcsRKn
8964 copyright protection478PENANAJx5ZKhQO6m 維尼
過海巴士8964 copyright protection478PENANABDll4KYPug 維尼
482Please respect copyright.PENANAICgyKvC8qB
8964 copyright protection478PENANAdCZ2jaeGHr 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAC67Rk3HAdA 維尼
這是一篇字數偏少的作品哦8964 copyright protection478PENANAEHJZRxLEUy 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAXy8WRU3jL6 維尼
!!482Please respect copyright.PENANAsk4ga2Tkkd
我認得的8964 copyright protection478PENANAh70rNhf2Ce 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAHqrrggr2LW 維尼
又是選東南的8964 copyright protection478PENANAi8wUefcDWv 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANA6ArHP8IbzM 維尼
也是少數找我的(Nani8964 copyright protection478PENANAIZlynjgkdF 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAv9KvIMfZUP 維尼
哈哈哈8964 copyright protection478PENANADgCEMCOO1E 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANASw26A1xxbm 維尼
這個很不錯呢8964 copyright protection478PENANAtAkAns8coW 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAmsgGNs7ABN 維尼
竟然!482Please respect copyright.PENANAu3G3bkQknv
魔鬼說人話?8964 copyright protection478PENANAjKJtmRhUQh 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAoRvsFHb1k7 維尼
這次就讓你們先說吧哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈482Please respect copyright.PENANAtief8HlVRZ
我如今一副慈父的嘴臉看著你們說482Please respect copyright.PENANA9mR7OuDkoR
來來來8964 copyright protection478PENANAd3brsqKGMI 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAl0TU5WVC0E 維尼
出色的佈局、大局觀與故事設定。短短一程巴士當中體驗主角的生平。482Please respect copyright.PENANA3XQ5P1ADd5
是相當成熟及出色的作品。8964 copyright protection478PENANAq5Au023tXd 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANA5wKvxpx9CR 維尼
這是一個頗有風味的小短篇,不同年紀的張嘉怡也表現得不錯,各個車站也隱隱和內容對應。482Please respect copyright.PENANAz106SHbtmG
不過,抽煙是不好的唷(笑)8964 copyright protection478PENANA1GssIFE33n 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANASXu2Zjy6Fd 維尼
非常好的作品。482Please respect copyright.PENANAaOnmWvYyyU
非常好的作品。482Please respect copyright.PENANAXrjJ5UAZg5
非常好的作品。482Please respect copyright.PENANANVBgfDbMS8
重要的事情要說三遍,現在再說一遍。8964 copyright protection478PENANAHSOEbSOgpj 維尼
非常好的作品。482Please respect copyright.PENANArQJGzQQOOi
透過40歲自己與30歲自己的對話,看著中學生年代自己的犯傻,開車的則是50歲的自己。482Please respect copyright.PENANAXLpQs6bOrl
一個感情破裂的女人的經歷,不同時期的不同內心戲,在這程車中完全表達了出來,看出這角色的經歷同時,知道她為何變得最後般的落魄。482Please respect copyright.PENANADUS8iFEJ6x
非常好的作品。8964 copyright protection478PENANA7lh8pETLDA 維尼
而且讓我有點感動的是,我很多年前參加過東方日報舉辦的徵文比賽。當時限字數是1000字內,我投稿的作品,也恰好跟這篇非常相似。8964 copyright protection478PENANAvDhSLrBTcV 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANA2A3GZe5FCd 維尼
而且不同年齡的語調也拿捏得不錯8964 copyright protection478PENANA6wIo9G9d0Q 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAcf2idlBJe6 維尼
但我誇獎他不是我自戀,是因為真的好。8964 copyright protection478PENANAZLimpLMdQD 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANA6C01BXzAGg 維尼
南師父出大絕!!!!8964 copyright protection478PENANAkylMXyZkvF 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANALHp6nh5dfC 維尼
Nani,不是大絕。是真的 XDDDD8964 copyright protection478PENANAKBGjY7q6pR 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANA1CQB6igOMS 維尼
分明是自戀8964 copyright protection478PENANABuDURfd1Jp 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAWEarcDRPyI 維尼
連「想當年」這殺招都出動了8964 copyright protection478PENANA2aYqkU3UWM 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAZ7KOo5IgY0 維尼
好了482Please respect copyright.PENANA2SMQa117MC
看來是一篇一致好評的作品呢!482Please respect copyright.PENANAGVMMVNokVM
究竟這程過海巴士能不能順利帶儀洛羊進戰隊賽呢?482Please respect copyright.PENANAMdcd3NaPJH
評審們準備好了給⭕️❌嗎?8964 copyright protection478PENANAFhfaP9lCl5 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAD2DfRIcLEw 維尼
準備好482Please respect copyright.PENANAuPREqPhqA7
快點倒數8964 copyright protection478PENANAr53wEaqZVe 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAt5KvvKj7Lk 維尼
一起來……8964 copyright protection478PENANA5rqwd0aD9A 維尼
3482Please respect copyright.PENANAXcnX8ggp44
2482Please respect copyright.PENANAyQPg0Nauo3
18964 copyright protection478PENANATxh7UDSalr 維尼
8964 copyright protection478PENANAgtXNx7Lj5d 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAofvK1FL5xl 維尼
三圈呢!8964 copyright protection478PENANA4VY3jYDbsD 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAMh0djugkBX 維尼
3 passssssssss482Please respect copyright.PENANA3vrumDLtAS
(慈父) 來吧!!!! come come come8964 copyright protection478PENANADCpTZoDDZe 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAKXgKNxPNbF 維尼
又是拍手時刻8964 copyright protection478PENANA5A90dypPk3 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAzUg0QysrFL 維尼
(拍手8964 copyright protection478PENANA0EnfToLfRo 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANA3632MNuU2m 維尼
跟奧運就差兩個!ww8964 copyright protection478PENANANY2K3I8XZC 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAoMZWFf0FK5 維尼
..........482Please respect copyright.PENANAUPwRdVLyYN
有點冷482Please respect copyright.PENANAskQbJaNT5I
等我穿件衣服8964 copyright protection478PENANAYSjFynKZqv 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAG6tGwHxI6d 維尼
有點爛⋯⋯8964 copyright protection478PENANASVLfH7ifi3 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAgLNLnYWjSl 維尼
喂!482Please respect copyright.PENANAyJaJCdkdG7
哪有這樣的!ww8964 copyright protection478PENANAjKRSrgIzhb 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAAh6RghQt0g 維尼
呃……我一樣拍手(給面子8964 copyright protection478PENANAutjctsOnTv 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAFbpI37Crrk 維尼
無情的節目組不需要掌聲8964 copyright protection478PENANAdXs4Z0s193 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANA7oxHycRXO3 維尼
好了,恭喜儀洛羊成為第一個進入候選區的參賽者!8964 copyright protection478PENANAWPg7Pj16KT 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAypSdeE5CW4 維尼
恭喜恭喜8964 copyright protection478PENANAdNkmzdLK5T 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAMXamxyrTI5 維尼
還有一句,最後一下車門打開還是張嘉怡就有點出戲,如果單純是個「光頭女人」,就會增添玩味d。482Please respect copyright.PENANAMCzZyyUszC
不知作者是不是想表達些什麼,很期待他的解說wwwwwwwwwwwww482Please respect copyright.PENANA9JmtmwPofA
恭喜~!8964 copyright protection478PENANAoa6MMzuDzT 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAONAiPSoYwj 維尼
恭喜恭喜,期待她的計劃書8964 copyright protection478PENANAMq75342CZt 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANA8QQIReR4Gp 維尼
羊羊最值得欣賞的是字數控制。482Please respect copyright.PENANADRw749ZErv
短短三千字卻表達出一個完整的故事,讀者能夠輕鬆跟上並掌握整個故事。482Please respect copyright.PENANADKuVFBJeod
若將來繼續看到他的作品,我會期待他在長篇幅小說中的表現。8964 copyright protection478PENANAhW9eEfCMvB 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAjcwCI49Tzh 維尼
以這個字數來說真的是很不錯,加油8964 copyright protection478PENANA6e98dh6nxP 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAfdLokpSFz0 維尼
謝謝三位的意見!482Please respect copyright.PENANAP6L7tubJeM
我們來看看,下一個參賽者會不會也能闖進候選區呢!8964 copyright protection478PENANAwHrGPhTpKS 維尼
下一位是!482Please respect copyright.PENANA8nwZJAO8Hw
郁郁如煙消於天,和他的作品——8964 copyright protection478PENANAOU4Mulinmr 維尼
482Please respect copyright.PENANAOips0SD5tT
8964 copyright protection478PENANAbOrpsMg0bI 維尼
十年8964 copyright protection478PENANADHUm9DNyPM 維尼
482Please respect copyright.PENANAW0sVHReNns
8964 copyright protection478PENANAyGRRKpyDGD 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANA1yLipo53TP 維尼
這部……482Please respect copyright.PENANA4CNoWnCuo3
(欲言又止482Please respect copyright.PENANAKCOQ5KsYcO
我覺得482Please respect copyright.PENANATlOK7pf91Q
還是不錯的8964 copyright protection478PENANA0LQObAEiaa 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAGT6CVp7b2h 維尼
這個老掉牙的效果⋯⋯8964 copyright protection478PENANAFhSZTsM3Sy 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAZjil5B556q 維尼
................. 冷風吹過8964 copyright protection478PENANAyOVPs0qpzJ 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAuoCqUMhDOh 維尼
從開初佈局把妖狐當作小職員主角,把讀者坑進裡面,到最後帶出年才是真正的主角。故事中鋪墊出一個完整的妖監局世界。482Please respect copyright.PENANALA7VmTq6Iz
但當中還是略有缺點,對世界描寫過於冗長(肯定是沒看我的小提示8964 copyright protection478PENANAQKJ9XvJETr 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAgRIaVZCbIA 維尼
以妖監局的架構,絕對(起碼)是一本中長篇小說,要在一萬字內處理完畢是有點吃力的,開首關於世界觀的描述在這個宇數的比例下過長,顯得雷聲大、雨點小,有點可惜,期待轉為長篇。8964 copyright protection478PENANA4nEvULhDlt 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANASQyvxHmSW3 維尼
文筆、世界觀的建構都不俗,可是在劇情方面可以再好一點。482Please respect copyright.PENANADroMdidpxT
前期鴻瑩出任務時缺少了鋪排,導致中後段忽然爆出鴻瑩想破壞門的目的時會有多少突兀。482Please respect copyright.PENANAVDnmdsw5kC
其實要做得順暢少少並不困難,畢竟這種「潛入局中搞破壞」的戲碼不算罕見,就比如說可以讓鴻瑩作為「前輩」帶人那個,裝作傻仔新人的十年跟隨前輩做事發現端倪,最後才一次過捅破鴻瑩身份。482Please respect copyright.PENANAaPjQC6Vve0
就算鴻瑩要做新人,也可寫到他如何積極,總之儘量在前段埋下伏筆或者故意誤導讀者,到最後揭露真相時才會有驚喜。8964 copyright protection478PENANAgT2KYZqNWf 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANA2ljPdqqP0j 維尼
都在炫自己的小提示呢ww482Please respect copyright.PENANAGSI23am6AT
還差東南就都炫了一波……8964 copyright protection478PENANAEwAaXzrmQC 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAakUcPMRwBb 維尼
他剛才開大絕!!!!8964 copyright protection478PENANA5balZZLNmV 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAhFLWMap5tA 維尼
對!www8964 copyright protection478PENANAdGJ7UuPQEy 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAzKAzIIF8jz 維尼
Errrrrrrrr482Please respect copyright.PENANAAUHKg3EhMM
對,就是這樣8964 copyright protection478PENANALLzWaLz5mS 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAshx1lIWKuz 維尼
對了!他可是一個讓東南「表錯情」的參賽者ww8964 copyright protection478PENANAMQTPo2lXzx 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAaQ21Fogeuw 維尼
..........482Please respect copyright.PENANAiKuZ13brVI
對欸,說起這個,忽然有給交叉的慾望8964 copyright protection478PENANAtwoFEUyKVH 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANANHvNG1QrOg 維尼
喂!482Please respect copyright.PENANAB3jt9GI6Yq
哪有這樣的!8964 copyright protection478PENANAXWuPbOpaDq 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANASYHGs4QEnY 維尼
= v =8964 copyright protection478PENANAphmIwbjgZn 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAjMxJS4bslH 維尼
不如就來看看482Please respect copyright.PENANA9LAokZyvUz
東南是不是會真的給❌吧?482Please respect copyright.PENANAwMBA03AIHp
三位準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection478PENANANchmPsnuwu 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAhiBjLYvok7 維尼
來!8964 copyright protection478PENANA1uaLhHpS8W 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAuRSswxhgmj 維尼
3482Please respect copyright.PENANAWspgNrAUZM
2482Please respect copyright.PENANANpezAZ6DU6
18964 copyright protection478PENANAFyAQHllcQN 維尼
8964 copyright protection478PENANA2tq1q4Eo8B 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAeM8gXYTzXX 維尼
好喇~ 圈圈,你值得擁有。8964 copyright protection478PENANA4urk4W6wPX 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAoU7wz8Z0m9 維尼
哦!482Please respect copyright.PENANAWGHkmXx0nx
是兩圈一叉呢!8964 copyright protection478PENANAMAehjHwl2a 維尼
紀言大大是出於甚麼原因呢?8964 copyright protection478PENANAj99rumXi9z 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAr5ulnnrfgg 維尼
如之前所說,他的世界觀很宏大,可是海選是3000-10000字的篇幅,他在這篇處理得確是不太好482Please respect copyright.PENANAPD3OJl8K4l
相比其他故事來說8964 copyright protection478PENANA5XUmmj0xqL 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAjMFdqp36iy 維尼
原來是這樣,不過也無礙 郁郁如煙消於天 進入候選區的事實喇!482Please respect copyright.PENANAxB9gmCB5rX
再次恭喜 郁郁如煙消於天!8964 copyright protection478PENANAkKiP12oz7e 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANA56Ds6UrIrf 維尼
沒辦法,只有7票482Please respect copyright.PENANAUkHERWZwtp
太少了!!!!8964 copyright protection478PENANASMJgvchyaN 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAKJDpbJpttn 維尼
節目組欸唉8964 copyright protection478PENANAHVy6oFBd27 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANA7czsqgptZB 維尼
(裝看不見)8964 copyright protection478PENANAgHncDpjv2A 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAB15nzAnkMA 維尼
恭喜恭喜!8964 copyright protection478PENANAhcb7uIYLHL 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAEPj8JqBZKS 維尼
下一位是……8964 copyright protection478PENANAMhsvm27iqD 維尼
這位參賽者的評分差滿多的!482Please respect copyright.PENANA2KyhqyA3CP
他就是!斜陽落月之間,和他的作品——8964 copyright protection478PENANAL35e6mcI9O 維尼
482Please respect copyright.PENANA0QKqcE7ICo
8964 copyright protection478PENANA41V3EAaJSp 維尼
逆時8964 copyright protection478PENANAOtaQYTnIkJ 維尼
482Please respect copyright.PENANAe2w4PVLVNh
8964 copyright protection478PENANAPY5NszGe6m 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAfaHvWedPdr 維尼
嗯……482Please respect copyright.PENANAMn0vMfDPcU
這個8964 copyright protection478PENANAG7p1OIx8Ft 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAFYIAmg9wMY 維尼
又來!8964 copyright protection478PENANAG76laT4Aby 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAMT0AfFouLS 維尼
我個人覺得有點可惜8964 copyright protection478PENANAcPuUotymKc 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAn9h5g9JsH5 維尼
我挺喜歡這部的欸8964 copyright protection478PENANA0NnbEEvFxD 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAKvermyDCCb 維尼
大概能理解作者的佈局與故事,但建議先寫出大綱整理好故事,然後再行嘗試把故事用一個讀者更能夠理解的方式說出來。8964 copyright protection478PENANAnLzRXfcFt1 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANADOjeV6vAb4 維尼
我的那個有點長欸,紀師父先說?482Please respect copyright.PENANACnc1ROAWWH
我的意思是評語8964 copyright protection478PENANAiH2U8P82T7 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAxygK6A0ZPr 維尼
……8964 copyright protection478PENANALzIa3cleVP 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANALxRBzsguIp 維尼
呃……8964 copyright protection478PENANAv8wuFKdbR1 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAAJnRlMf7zR 維尼
這甚麼意思?8964 copyright protection478PENANA64ZFR0eO4F 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAuCdgQCzMEs 維尼
性騷擾……8964 copyright protection478PENANA4FSh18KQSZ 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAdrdWC6uJLr 維尼
知你最長了8964 copyright protection478PENANAB2gAhav9GW 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAl3gkDkbci4 維尼
............8964 copyright protection478PENANAiunUk9uUsx 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAfEjVlu4ZTd 維尼
==8964 copyright protection478PENANAMzafNDKNHM 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAAYJV4lXzjO 維尼
我沒這個意思8964 copyright protection478PENANAWeE3RBARz9 維尼
= =8964 copyright protection478PENANAD8giZgfMdm 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAidsay4nGL2 維尼
你有8964 copyright protection478PENANAZc8tVBTLxZ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAZToKpzbK7v 維尼
...................482Please respect copyright.PENANAoFDDfEIdro
後製麻煩搞搞佢482Please respect copyright.PENANAWb60vLSiyM
幹,說了口語。 O_O482Please respect copyright.PENANAMH6lqgE828
哎呀,說了髒話。 =_=482Please respect copyright.PENANAUarI8sQZhc
.................8964 copyright protection478PENANAknhosUoOgj 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAivKyYaoUoK 維尼
剪破口是不是?www482Please respect copyright.PENANAQyl4q4Y41v
剪預告的8964 copyright protection478PENANAt1rxQ0cSsd 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAx59Mm7qVzp 維尼
哎呀我先說喇482Please respect copyright.PENANAQDfKCjVDPs
其實我覺得是相當有趣的作品,但當中砂石頗多,修改一下會更加好。8964 copyright protection478PENANAFR7kvMYRd5 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAL57EIWt54R 維尼
作者的構思很有趣,也很成功,不過具爭議性的話題點過即止沒加深化有點可惜,這個其實是有方法解決的。482Please respect copyright.PENANAXb2butIan0
而且陳文謙和林立文間的羈絆也被略過了,最後也有點草草收筆之感。8964 copyright protection478PENANAQF8zTwFoGO 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAXMA6cLgdhj 維尼
1. 把主角之死放在開首的話,讀者的期待就會放在「主角如何死」上面,所以當最後知道是突發心臟病,就會開始想是否穿越的副作用呢?但這個副作用之前又從來未提及,未免有點突兀。而不是心臟病的話,也顯得主角之死有點草草收場。482Please respect copyright.PENANAMujEpViwbL
後來看到後記說真的是副作用,但其實應該在正文中解釋清楚一點的。8964 copyright protection478PENANAvKoMpxkYTq 維尼
2. 基於以上,其實我更加建議把「殺死兇手」放在開首,如此讀者的期待就會放回殺兇手,以及後期跟文謙的鬥智上面。482Please respect copyright.PENANAntrdOAe5QN
3. 雖然劇情裏面有說筆記本有詳細的描述,但尋找兇手的過程還是太過直白簡單。482Please respect copyright.PENANAMpNEApyRgm
4. 同樣,雖然旁白不斷說文謙如何如何是主角的「宿敵」,但出場太短其實讀者並無太大這種感覺。482Please respect copyright.PENANAKvwn3teYId
如紀師父所言,此等羈絆理應說清楚8964 copyright protection478PENANAqz5lEUittL 維尼
5. 基於3、4兩點,建議故事的劇情聚焦在「找兇手」還有之後與文謙的鬥智上。最後才因為副作用而心臟病發死,這樣或許就更加吸引了。482Please respect copyright.PENANALW3JBDw7PD
完8964 copyright protection478PENANAKMIkp2H77W 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAwrygEH2K38 維尼
真的很長(大誤8964 copyright protection478PENANAoI2kpR2lii 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAymtgIX8uak 維尼
嗯,總結就是:482Please respect copyright.PENANAvv5HfgvbNS
楓成裝成熟,不鳥喜歡中二的人!8964 copyright protection478PENANA6eDQqgqEe5 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANA4HOX5UXOPv 維尼
不鳥南師父8964 copyright protection478PENANAh8VndMIH6c 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAbTiswfa66l 維尼
= =|||482Please respect copyright.PENANAlZfdaukjDI
躺槍8964 copyright protection478PENANA7MqQuP5Ldj 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANA1KvkBpjZ6P 維尼
非常好8964 copyright protection478PENANAoRcLcttBG4 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAIhkV6RDcus 維尼
來!打架吧!8964 copyright protection478PENANAP77CH4ESoq 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAYEcezzBStm 維尼
來!成仔!去練舞室!8964 copyright protection478PENANAeCgINIacp1 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAijFK0J0zIf 維尼
好囉~8964 copyright protection478PENANAxIwhVmSwcv 維尼
又到了⭕️❌的時候!8964 copyright protection478PENANABhquyowB5M 維尼
3482Please respect copyright.PENANAKhQ0ep7izL
2482Please respect copyright.PENANAMSCgVeU5B8
18964 copyright protection478PENANAWev3z0Lv70 維尼
8964 copyright protection478PENANAnNBw6Y1Nma 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANApZq3AmKoeo 維尼
……8964 copyright protection478PENANAFAuMbgyoon 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAEGh11PDqTY 維尼
.........................8964 copyright protection478PENANArUcGCchREg 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAY1oddyhQav 維尼
這是中二獨有的共鳴嗎?8964 copyright protection478PENANAbz55qyn7XT 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAyKC2vc67Bk 維尼
應該是!8964 copyright protection478PENANA9cVap0Tqof 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANADr7yYY83cv 維尼
一定是!8964 copyright protection478PENANAXgZO6v2g1x 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAbnFPx1Caos 維尼
兩❌一⭕️的結果482Please respect copyright.PENANATz0GEJWet0
是進不了候選區呢8964 copyright protection478PENANAgE0C0WhSLp 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANACgsft0XVgB 維尼
真是可惜呢8964 copyright protection478PENANAoOj2qud2wE 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAja3lJHjYqJ 維尼
啊,等等……8964 copyright protection478PENANAu2iFSXAkYy 維尼
(待續)8964 copyright protection478PENANAyQfUbvhUVX 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection478PENANA6uMBNBm3tn 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection478PENANAXHRZjjvqIw 維尼
那傳說中的拳法……8964 copyright protection478PENANAIdsSQT3zeQ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection478PENANAJYcqEqSTl0 維尼
連最愛「溫馨」作品的楓成也稱讚情感方面勾勒得不錯?8964 copyright protection478PENANAL94JNvfzyl 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection478PENANAmls4kVvQsA 維尼
__的話題本就沉重,作者的處理頗能讓人釋懷。8964 copyright protection478PENANADCOWlwlVON 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection478PENANAXnc7AXd55L 維尼
別怪我482Please respect copyright.PENANAFneQbOaNqm
節目組的錯,我本身想給圈的8964 copyright protection478PENANACePSJlBmCx 維尼
8月26日晚上6點,準時觀看8964 copyright protection478PENANAwzqNecCo28 維尼
【海選選秀環節】EP028964 copyright protection478PENANAk4QWTJMthi 維尼
172.70.130.170
ns 172.70.130.170da2