No Plagiarism!TRYQLv8u0nBoizGlzwPLposted on PENANA
【上集提要】8964 copyright protection499PENANAEU1xdGmH1y 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAiJQJFN5EBb 維尼
接下來作品就會輪著上場。503Please respect copyright.PENANAmyK1X06lV2
三位評審要說說評語503Please respect copyright.PENANAPyDnGseVOV
給⭕️ 還是❌的503Please respect copyright.PENANA2TckzRjx46
每個評審也只有七次給出⭕️的機會8964 copyright protection499PENANAYOp8ULEWbp 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAYU57Q1N1pS 維尼
斜陽落月之間,和他的作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANA6bO0MfaTJl 維尼
逆時8964 copyright protection499PENANAvri2xG7nmL 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAMfsWlKaMne 維尼
其實我覺得是相當有趣的作品,但當中砂石頗多,修改一下會更加好。8964 copyright protection499PENANAjuL899rXr6 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAJrJn5fVpCY 維尼
作者的構思很有趣,也很成功,不過具爭議性的話題點過即止沒加深化有點可惜,這個其實是有方法解決的。8964 copyright protection499PENANAxA4g5SEoeF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAUoi3SBtLDs 維尼
兩❌一⭕️的結果503Please respect copyright.PENANAsqAsBieIBk
是進不了候選區呢8964 copyright protection499PENANAl0Xz3ifcBR 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANABfNbCi0eCi 維尼
啊,等等……8964 copyright protection499PENANAHMC7cZNtQl 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAEmqzkxx2jC 維尼
甚麼!8964 copyright protection499PENANAuNIoGVDTEs 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAgSZlzQldjV 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection499PENANAK9WoziFnQO 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAClwqlJb9tf 維尼
難道!8964 copyright protection499PENANANNhwAhfU9U 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA6frjPpwgok 維尼
出現了!!!8964 copyright protection499PENANArF8nDKKRGd 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANARSuKRT6PFo 維尼
就是說我還可以叫他入戰隊的嗎?8964 copyright protection499PENANAjPvBQzpaXe 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAZEnTR2SGso 維尼
真.大絕!!!8964 copyright protection499PENANAFfGjemwGW2 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAVqMXAaaAi0 維尼
Nani8964 copyright protection499PENANAr4UUaTZIXG 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAWBoSUtQoPL 維尼
你想要使出那……8964 copyright protection499PENANATSfVaKZeS4 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAgH6KwEhsTi 維尼
對!8964 copyright protection499PENANAWu8TuKMk7E 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAdml2lhifTW 維尼
那傳說中的拳法……8964 copyright protection499PENANAc0otn7rRBO 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANA1OQOg73iBa 維尼
就是傳說中的8964 copyright protection499PENANANvYhAFEjq5 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANArDNH6WeoEF 維尼
僅有一次的!8964 copyright protection499PENANADq7MJLZKVz 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAshJ8lmFQpx 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANA5FHi40enGy 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAvKf2Dl7rVX 維尼
❗️❗️503Please respect copyright.PENANABqFNB5qcaK
你確定嗎?8964 copyright protection499PENANA9B2M5dqs3R 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAYvGtg36E6f 維尼
!!!8964 copyright protection499PENANAjJVIAfOAbF 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANA88mtlwwiZc 維尼
確定8964 copyright protection499PENANAmibV8xIeaS 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAGfXyLLDsM6 維尼
好的!8964 copyright protection499PENANAXCiGK2LVgF 維尼
斜陽落月之間 得到了「誠意✊✊」的機會!503Please respect copyright.PENANA1jNMNtlBXp
直接進入東南戰隊的邀請列當中!8964 copyright protection499PENANAr33F0pIwHA 維尼
那另外兩位會有想給意見的嗎?503Please respect copyright.PENANAJKe4v5VtJb
我不是說給東南本人哦503Please respect copyright.PENANAgexJiX4yjH
是給參賽者的8964 copyright protection499PENANAwe2lavmAcl 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAQCjp3FKi9N 維尼
(被拳風帶到,昏迷中)8964 copyright protection499PENANA5wldVtOOkH 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANA3RGTyrKC4V 維尼
哈哈,對他有多長我沒有意見503Please respect copyright.PENANAuE9JKFCM0J
對於參賽者之後說的話,我有點不認同他說以「故事本來就帶乏味的方式」,因為我認為故事本身乏味與否除了故事本身,說書人也是當中的重要元素之一。503Please respect copyright.PENANA6dVO3ksiIK
以題材及推理凶殺方面而言,這絕對算不上是一個「乏味」的題材。503Please respect copyright.PENANA3XwIhz98uj
獲得古拳法的幫助,我會期待他的進步及成長8964 copyright protection499PENANAZbbswLZWVd 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAlsFzCeKigN 維尼
明白503Please respect copyright.PENANAu2e1ou7IUf
那紀言大大呢?有醒來了嗎?8964 copyright protection499PENANAP3iNDpoR76 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAwVCxDxFSE6 維尼
如果他⋯⋯能改善我上面⋯⋯所說的地方,應該會⋯⋯更上一層樓的(再昏迷8964 copyright protection499PENANAyzX9sLQlKZ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAEVeeO7RIde 維尼
好的,再次恭喜!8964 copyright protection499PENANAY1yP97G4UH 維尼
那我們去看看下一位參賽者囉!503Please respect copyright.PENANAhfClwiGQDv
那是涼靜融,還有作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANArON0MJ5R9h 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANA6xvMwCYP5C
8964 copyright protection499PENANA35XDZFGuo0 維尼
天使的惡作劇8964 copyright protection499PENANA5fmPXOkwOo 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAvjTMkqEXye
8964 copyright protection499PENANAWLV0tFh5uz 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANA5ZQOQ1JPc2 維尼
他的回應都很短呢!感覺很有個性的!8964 copyright protection499PENANAMeqoswbeMx 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAsHskzqm51N 維尼
這篇嘛⋯⋯(學楓成ing8964 copyright protection499PENANAnpkODJCrDq 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAnnjY09l7zB 維尼
又來了8964 copyright protection499PENANAVWTp7kwRL0 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAKojbKqwjJ8 維尼
這篇故事十分完整,在有限的篇幅裏敍述一個完整的故事並不容易,這點作者做到了。503Please respect copyright.PENANAYqja3uvM0E
不過,稍微有點可惜的是前段的鋪排可以更改善一點,留下多一點線索,到真相揭盅時會更能顯示作者的用心。503Please respect copyright.PENANAzoniWebpKf
文風也挺對我胃口8964 copyright protection499PENANAc68IzUe0DV 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAX4I0r7IwhZ 維尼
相對來說完整度算高的作品。503Please respect copyright.PENANAmuCFknscNI
對於小學生「小學雞」式的互相猜忌,其實都寫得幾真實,但同時問題都出在這裏。503Please respect copyright.PENANAcZIO3VZBUV
因為幾個小主角的行為都太過兩小無猜,以至在羅生門式述說的過程中,未能把讀者誤導或者對他們任何一個生疑,以至很早很早階段我已覺得死者是真的意外死。503Please respect copyright.PENANAQbpwoEzRjB
但其實羅生門本身就是個高手向寫法,作者願意嘗試其實非常勇敢,下次嘗試同類型寫法時,嘗試把羅生門方面的設計再刁鑽少少,儘量讓所有人都會列入疑犯之中,這樣就會好很多。8964 copyright protection499PENANARkdyVshqgN 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAZ6YzoN73rt 維尼
我認為呢503Please respect copyright.PENANA3LTctpbuS4
故事的劇情佈局不錯,以一群孩子報案、並加以插敘方式洋洋灑灑寫出一部屬推理小說。503Please respect copyright.PENANAmdw8jsIHTa
只是正因為佈局以推理為主,如此短的篇幅在佈局、埋坑及各種描寫欠缺。8964 copyright protection499PENANALB6NMSokQI 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAYIfPqO2ZaM 維尼
好的,事不宜遲!503Please respect copyright.PENANALD9S1ciUuK
就來給個⭕️❌吧503Please respect copyright.PENANA0xVFfoojOx
準備好8964 copyright protection499PENANAKqlrOCWM3g 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANAPMmkWZzs4V
2503Please respect copyright.PENANAdbgSFTCZZa
18964 copyright protection499PENANA8Jdh0zB4fd 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANAzZsNSKIMYh 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANA9JSKCaUP44 維尼
哦!是兩圈呢!8964 copyright protection499PENANAzEttnvw4zh 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAh4Na9FOxkB 維尼
別怪我503Please respect copyright.PENANAQE8587yc5Q
節目組的錯,我本身想給圈的503Please respect copyright.PENANAOQc2FDUKz2
(逃避mode8964 copyright protection499PENANAM2KkOIs5l0 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAHZUtgbVn3h 維尼
……節目組表示:我不背!8964 copyright protection499PENANAjQUkVmJrJy 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAOJDv0sXfkV 維尼
恭喜恭喜8964 copyright protection499PENANASe1LE0U9nB 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANABsCTnbpdy4 維尼
(幸好進了候選....呼一口長氣8964 copyright protection499PENANAwmqNMIvbhg 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAEll3XDTAS3 維尼
恭喜8964 copyright protection499PENANAha6jQaSI7c 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAi96Ju1qocc 維尼
恭喜涼靜融進候選區了!8964 copyright protection499PENANAwGGBUB5pSr 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAv9JCRruJRC 維尼
其實故事本身是不錯的503Please respect copyright.PENANAg7IZAU4F2k
這故事的格局至少需要再多些字數才能完整,我會期待他之後的表現8964 copyright protection499PENANAt379eEz9zF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAsTn3Jsayxp 維尼
明白,希望之後還能看到他的作品哦!8964 copyright protection499PENANA66SRfIU1K4 維尼
下一位是:503Please respect copyright.PENANAWRnIKKFkVZ
十分之一,和作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANAXwgQ3oPW7F 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAcsZBkBZ9oQ
8964 copyright protection499PENANAjYKXrTaZ3n 維尼
十年倒數8964 copyright protection499PENANA3ka8bX5TLM 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAN01WJaaUjt
8964 copyright protection499PENANAJpKdpczU2D 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAeF481AjZ6H 維尼
看來又是一個受到楓成荼毒的小朋友8964 copyright protection499PENANAjNPhx4i2u3 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAF6DLKWSFHl 維尼
竟然503Please respect copyright.PENANABzs9GZ0Pkv
那我就先說吧503Please respect copyright.PENANA0EwlvFA7nH
故事平鋪直敘,但在情感方面勾勒得不錯。雖犧牲了橋段及劇情,但情感處理得不錯,能令讀者心生感同身受。8964 copyright protection499PENANAmhmmfxMFoH 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAf7XUPf1TEK 維尼
連最愛「溫馨」作品的楓成也稱讚情感方面勾勒得不錯?503Please respect copyright.PENANAmho0xJPVOu
可厲害了!8964 copyright protection499PENANATK6rPNHIDt 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAQfcReb3bVQ 維尼
呃……503Please respect copyright.PENANAlTsJqyUheX
是的(尷尬笑8964 copyright protection499PENANA3NUOGyTbT9 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAcdpI8EqBLK 維尼
故事重點是患病男主最後的十年,最後也是感歎十年太短了。503Please respect copyright.PENANAWT8ki529s8
其實這個故事可以很虐,因為從一開始看到男主並不太在意自己生命的短暫,到與女主越來越近才開始感歎時間太少。503Please respect copyright.PENANAtIq6EY70zU
但無奈女主出場真的不多,而男主心路歷程的描寫也不算多,所以就有種「不完整」的感覺。8964 copyright protection499PENANA0unRAnAgDF 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA15hzej68if 維尼
我認同是情感豐沛的作品,稍嫌主角心中的掙扎不夠強烈。8964 copyright protection499PENANAx4BkyL0Hdo 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAxw3wBX3Kwf 維尼
在這種「劇情平淡」的故事裏,「情感渲染」就是最重要最重要的一環。503Please respect copyright.PENANA1GTQY8q6DY
舉例鬼滅之刃其實劇情並非精彩,打鬥也非好看,但其情感渲染做到十足,讓讀者隨著角色的情感起伏,也能夠十分成功。503Please respect copyright.PENANAvUDHqdSULF
所以,建議下次訂立大綱後,要找出自己故事想表達的重點。503Please respect copyright.PENANAYI5pV17xff
然後故事的鋪排,角色的互動,就要圍繞重點展開哦。8964 copyright protection499PENANALHFL0kp73G 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAD9Kq0DwjKw 維尼
謝謝三位的點評!8964 copyright protection499PENANAqNkEHPk6nz 維尼
那我們一起來看看三位是給⭕️或❌!503Please respect copyright.PENANAgwfC2PUATf
來8964 copyright protection499PENANAJ8rkzxoPWe 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANA9tAdGxXpM0
2503Please respect copyright.PENANA6EM6ZThYBO
18964 copyright protection499PENANAUS06Nsj96r 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANAlQqL5MYHvI 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAYegF1OeY7K 維尼
……503Please respect copyright.PENANAF8mxf7qtmu
是三叉呢503Please respect copyright.PENANAuMEYEfDZCB
可惜了。503Please respect copyright.PENANA062FxYXlO6
希望 十分之一能從三位的意見中得到些甚麼8964 copyright protection499PENANAnHUxlFv8wa 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANANfeuNrEk8w 維尼
下一位是刹零和作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANA2uZpJvdZwa 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAq6xw5KE4OU
8964 copyright protection499PENANALQeAU5J31I 維尼
【十年】·房8964 copyright protection499PENANAHpffVmCV5n 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANANLhYHWMwMX
8964 copyright protection499PENANA5hyUcYQL0N 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAJr085OBYcO 維尼
故事整體想法構思不錯,但對於情景、角色等等描寫過多顯得冗長。另外對於故事那種悲哀、壓抑描寫尚能改善,可考慮參考類似作品【樓下的房客】。8964 copyright protection499PENANArSnfyTB4eK 維尼
不過以這種字數而言,算是不錯。503Please respect copyright.PENANAuP37PeVDAw
另外可以注意正字及標點符號的問題,會有所改善。503Please respect copyright.PENANA7QvJZngeUw
(請看紀師父的小提示8964 copyright protection499PENANA1vAFXbeEvw 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANABKrmoC4n5s 維尼
我的意見跟成師父差不多503Please respect copyright.PENANATeiBMgXWVS
雖然被逼遷的無奈是寫到出來。但無奈情節真的太過兀長。8964 copyright protection499PENANAUM6gDada2F 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAAyF99rAips 維尼
感謝賣廣告(待會轉賬)503Please respect copyright.PENANAD1vJXkvArN
以初中生來說,這篇確實寫得不俗,小小年紀能對社會有一定理解也值得嘉許。503Please respect copyright.PENANAOcZoLTYjlo
不過,意象的跳躍稍嫌過快過大,使讀者的注意力容易渙散。503Please respect copyright.PENANAoJAiHCgTZA
如果想吸引香港讀者,文風就要作調整,繁簡體字也要多注意。8964 copyright protection499PENANAXAQv8ymSbR 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAMZ8h83gxzl 維尼
來,一起來看看老黃賣瓜的三位是要給⭕️或❌囉!8964 copyright protection499PENANANpK1udy2jY 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANAJmi4CMZX9T
2503Please respect copyright.PENANAhhrkX2IBjO
18964 copyright protection499PENANAgjuLZdZYEn 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANACmo6tCDx35 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAfB8nJGtemU 維尼
三叉魔咒又回來了!8964 copyright protection499PENANAjeVfNsnkfs 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA13IzmdMqSS 維尼
可惜了503Please respect copyright.PENANAwlGFMjko4M
初中生來說真的很不錯8964 copyright protection499PENANA2rEzc7Vlqu 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAnh35UHH1wl 維尼
對,而且很年輕503Please respect copyright.PENANAmlzeibNyuQ
不要灰心!加油!8964 copyright protection499PENANAP5Fit5BvGi 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANApv1ilWkgVx 維尼
加油加油8964 copyright protection499PENANAcC6Unk335y 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANA6xSOxRCww7 維尼
不好意思了,剎零要先到復活賽那邊休息一下了8964 copyright protection499PENANAYqCu90bhOf 維尼
下一位是泱和作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANAygiUsasODM 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANA4djSWgjDa0
8964 copyright protection499PENANAQbQVvlrqSc 維尼
十年之情8964 copyright protection499PENANAklisX7kyWf 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAoGQRwx2ULd
8964 copyright protection499PENANAZSpKNxTedc 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAoNcjdZJd8y 維尼
又是一份字數比較少的作品呢~8964 copyright protection499PENANA0E8AUoVzK6 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAqzbbQLuXpQ 維尼
這個是不錯的校園作品呢,不論是情感描寫、感情培養情節等等都是相對到位。8964 copyright protection499PENANAyWuPKKhstI 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAQ5f6ZDvMAq 維尼
我覺得文筆算是通暢,不差的。503Please respect copyright.PENANAgXJXR4Lo5m
可劇情構思上面需要多一點。503Please respect copyright.PENANASE93gdfxqT
要突顯紫薇最後自殺的衝擊與哀傷,以下的鋪墊必不可少,還請留意。503Please respect copyright.PENANAQ80r3Ve8KN
一,是鋪紫薇的壓力與自殺的先兆(先兆是有但已經太晚了)503Please respect copyright.PENANAstHyx4ejNU
二,是鋪主角與紫薇的特殊羈絆503Please respect copyright.PENANA7k5ChNUSmw
三,就是主角知道紫薇後反應的描繪8964 copyright protection499PENANAdFM3ACFSQW 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAdEwQ7Sa4uR 維尼
自殺的話題本就沉重,作者的處理頗能讓人釋懷。503Please respect copyright.PENANATUKXwUCVm9
可惜兩個主角的性格都刻畫得不夠深入,行文也略見沙石。8964 copyright protection499PENANANYRUgL4VrP 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAI6VCE3UXLp 維尼
看來,情況不太樂觀哦……503Please respect copyright.PENANAS3rM9WfsnZ
三位準備好了嗎?一起來給泱 給⭕️❌哦!8964 copyright protection499PENANA3cn8ZK8rGd 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANAN8PKvZcp2Z
2503Please respect copyright.PENANA4GZeyUqnTk
18964 copyright protection499PENANAmDHBtcKjZb 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANANsFHyquWP9 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAR02uwdfjCJ 維尼
嗯……又是三叉呢503Please respect copyright.PENANAYs5Blm5Z8R
泱,不好意思呢,看來未能進入候選區8964 copyright protection499PENANARQPuXLNgzg 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAvT2ThJ1IAi 維尼
比較可惜503Please respect copyright.PENANAIb8dUIRAAU
沉重的作品對於角色刻畫的要求也要相對提高,希望作者下次注意一點了。8964 copyright protection499PENANADcSMfh1Q64 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAqCh8mnsZxG 維尼
謝謝東南大大的建議8964 copyright protection499PENANAZGwWV0NXhz 維尼
接下的作品是8964 copyright protection499PENANAGTQ3vtkKqy 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAfPfsqxUt4H
8964 copyright protection499PENANAdH74kXsyFw 維尼
輪候者8964 copyright protection499PENANAVu13bg8wnZ 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAJfECMVSZTG
8964 copyright protection499PENANAu59z4hSWhB 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAUIZANDD6Rw 維尼
嗯...503Please respect copyright.PENANADl1hnf0iV3
我記得這位作者是有兩篇作品的?503Please respect copyright.PENANAv7eF1SqF8f
要不要一次過說?8964 copyright protection499PENANA6N0GAxEah6 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANA2XppbHYb2z 維尼
被破梗了……503Please respect copyright.PENANAyhY3YuiNDR
對503Please respect copyright.PENANAt5q05KNsss
另一篇作品是8964 copyright protection499PENANAOCnn8mEojo 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAWbmUCt4LqO
8964 copyright protection499PENANAM6JSl6NKxq 維尼
時間小偷8964 copyright protection499PENANApERk7yPnXA 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAgmkvTnGm0B
8964 copyright protection499PENANAeqJVbMCORu 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAFPb0UsTvZl 維尼
完全沒留意到的meeeee8964 copyright protection499PENANALakVl0r6hh 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAo9BwROvjgo 維尼
心水清的me503Please respect copyright.PENANAOFB92B1aKL
但我還是先說吧503Please respect copyright.PENANAFm1fzvTAx8
這位作者我覺得實力算是本次比賽裏排得上中上的。503Please respect copyright.PENANAY4XBHirVs9
兩部都是比較成熟的作品,以這篇輪候者而言,利用一隻天才豬的十年寫出某些人的黑暗,寫出動物的天真和不可改變的命運,其實都值得一讚。8964 copyright protection499PENANA3VEAkiYGXH 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA2YO8J9qaKJ 維尼
同意,將豬擬人化的想法挺有趣,也能與作者想表達的道理相合,故事亦很完整。如果糧食短缺問題能再作鋪墊和深化,相信效果會更好。8964 copyright protection499PENANARP5JYP0xwY 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAdqOxp55Wdj 維尼
以豬為第一身的視角,相當有趣的故事。503Please respect copyright.PENANAzFUix9GYnO
不論是人性的勾勒到後來追求自由的反抗,哪怕失敗也是笑著死去。503Please respect copyright.PENANAiZzFCitG1I
整體實屬成熟作品,很是不錯。8964 copyright protection499PENANA2YT5JX4ooX 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAiBDHR7CG6A 維尼
那時間小偷呢?8964 copyright protection499PENANA7B82xjtYci 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAWUCqJn4KpL 維尼
還是我先說吧503Please respect copyright.PENANATbFPKnEkUW
其實我頗欣賞男女主角用不同的方式描述這個方法(男主角用第一身,女主角用日記)503Please respect copyright.PENANAbNP8DKyCrD
只是用日記寫其實頗高手向,而事實上女主角日記的部分未做到非常引人入勝,叫有點小缺陷。503Please respect copyright.PENANARUE6YE3EY1
但都欣賞作者願意這樣嘗試。8964 copyright protection499PENANAMPnCSDuX0y 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAZ0SAIRkt1K 維尼
還是我第二個說吧XP503Please respect copyright.PENANAyM1hcBLEUi
時間小偷的設定開首是讓人有點期待的,不過並沒善加利用,有點可惜。503Please respect copyright.PENANAqtvbiGjsLt
整篇小說圍繞鬱鬱不得志的小説家,內容有點過於灰暗,希望作者能找到寫作真正的樂趣,其實不過是寫作本身罷了,不需要靠外在的東西去支撐。8964 copyright protection499PENANACUhfA6wmxq 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANA5HFpLy5kjU 維尼
故事設定有趣。503Please respect copyright.PENANAatSbNdEscc
但比起這設定,表達出來的故事相對有待改善。以日記方式有優點有缺點,優點為時間性清晰並能夠交代大量事情,但同時因為比賽篇幅所限衍生的問題──反而陷入一個半湯不水的情況。503Please respect copyright.PENANA4UOvH7DBwq
若是用一個設定、同一個故事,採取另一種視角來看,或許會更加有趣呢。8964 copyright protection499PENANAqxrlrXnAu8 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANATIpccV14LL 維尼
明白,謝謝三位!8964 copyright protection499PENANA8ThvcanieH 維尼
因為比賽是以參賽者為評比單位,不是作品。503Please respect copyright.PENANAoaDmUPJSJo
所以請三位綜合兩篇的表現,給Blackative給出⭕️或❌!8964 copyright protection499PENANAgcc4Ke2You 維尼
大家需要點時間想想嗎?8964 copyright protection499PENANALtrD0vYxKv 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAvdNsG7gLFf 維尼
我好了8964 copyright protection499PENANA0UR92H7MV4 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAKYn0ZFTcgV 維尼
不必了8964 copyright protection499PENANAQ0EGNiQxW9 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAolzVOu53q2 維尼
那8964 copyright protection499PENANADf8Ves71ay 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANAXn72B3Ml0t
2503Please respect copyright.PENANAy1J2cHlhrB
18964 copyright protection499PENANATVtTV7V6qz 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANA56NjpWn0RF 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAHvYAPrnj55 維尼
抱歉我只剩下四個。8964 copyright protection499PENANAdJg7Z3aYYV 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAmlJ46Ns39K 維尼
兩圈的成績!503Please respect copyright.PENANAZAuRk4eoSx
恭喜Blackative8964 copyright protection499PENANAQYAEhOgKnW 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANABdpqw26vJx 維尼
Yeah503Please respect copyright.PENANAK6jRKYzqA3
呼一口氣8964 copyright protection499PENANAqoBspZU1iP 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAbIycvgPYkt 維尼
接來下的,是廣告前的倒數第二位!503Please respect copyright.PENANAwRiw6SDJQa
旧落后和作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANA2FSWVD1Q2r 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAFOB2VC4Vy6
8964 copyright protection499PENANAz41VYNjlrA 維尼
平行8964 copyright protection499PENANAxyyLR2x41o 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAN5G5gD8gSy
8964 copyright protection499PENANACa1ku3LaIp 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANADfisjRwPif 維尼
Hmmm503Please respect copyright.PENANAMGoN8gMMs1
我建議角色如果只有兩個的話就盡可能突出唯二角色的性格。比如一些小動作,比如一些小心思。503Please respect copyright.PENANAaYkkjajQ2H
因為整個故事都是男主一個惡夢,但就以目前的篇幅兩個角色性格並不突出。8964 copyright protection499PENANAlxz9UXYzpW 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANALZUhWzANny 維尼
感情動人,但是以夢來反映要珍惜現在的套路確實有點舊了,另外簡體字方面也要多多注意。8964 copyright protection499PENANAd87XwtfxXx 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAPxCWusQ4Wq 維尼
嗯……我認為該篇參賽作品於劇情、鋪墊有待改善。503Please respect copyright.PENANAFYdKbbUr2o
作者欠缺一般說故事的技巧,建議先寫出大綱整理好故事,然後再行嘗試把故事用一個讀者更能夠理解的方式說出來。503Please respect copyright.PENANA9rM3RBHhOZ
加油加油。8964 copyright protection499PENANAFrav31YF8w 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANApH562PfrE2 維尼
大綱、簡體字都是出現了好幾次的字眼呢。8964 copyright protection499PENANAC3Sp1BHAuU 維尼
好了,三位準備好給⭕️❌了吧?8964 copyright protection499PENANAEvNWhJFxka 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANAv2BQwWVGYN
2503Please respect copyright.PENANA8BKUNOHiAI
18964 copyright protection499PENANAUE9CpSL6Xv 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANAT17Mc2Dujf 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAD33LdrEgEk 維尼
三叉呢503Please respect copyright.PENANA13VsLb8HqD
可惜了503Please respect copyright.PENANAlt7XdSukI9
希望下次看見旧落后更優秀的作品8964 copyright protection499PENANAGupSXMah2b 維尼
來到廣告休息前的最後一個喇!503Please respect copyright.PENANAOWoKWI5lqQ
那是矇豬眼和作品——8964 copyright protection499PENANA8arKn8kwxj 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANATAnSoO6O3O
8964 copyright protection499PENANAX2BXWmZxzs 維尼
此去拾年8964 copyright protection499PENANAieUdjVr3jL 維尼
503Please respect copyright.PENANAnPJJAJ9Fyp
8964 copyright protection499PENANAlM5ySctG5M 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANACxacoiLtFx 維尼
這篇的文字優美,到最後揭盅主角非主角也甚有驚喜,以拍攝主題去回應大會主題也蠻聰明的,是這次比賽中屬中上的作品。8964 copyright protection499PENANAYjYBI72V2W 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAYmGVGV7jAU 維尼
文筆秀麗,文中動靜切換場景做得不錯,但說故事能力相對進步空間。503Please respect copyright.PENANAH8TzVizGON
到底文中宇羲與司憶的互動是真是假,到好宇羲與司憶昏迷有無關係,到底宇羲為何如文中般頹廢。建議應該解釋一下。503Please respect copyright.PENANAWnvCjDUtgm
又或者如果想更意識流的話,就可能要寫得更「迷幻」一些。8964 copyright protection499PENANAYmcf9eGzXD 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAJ3uMoLzBGy 維尼
個人認為作品不錯,但在後半段略有劇情不足。503Please respect copyright.PENANAOGxMEUsDJM
在排序那邊數字更是直接欠缺,為此我有在網站PM該位參賽者想問他是否貼漏掉章節,但未能獲得回復,只好作罷。8964 copyright protection499PENANAFgFNbdzXWg 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAQc0UojyjOt 維尼
聽起來有點可惜呢503Please respect copyright.PENANA1X38kOwgGY
來!三位!503Please respect copyright.PENANAWWvW9Rpo1M
準備好了吧!8964 copyright protection499PENANAkCQPnNxJPG 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANApLY54gbr1d 維尼
來吧8964 copyright protection499PENANAJ1cNwhO6vw 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAHPh3pNf752 維尼
come8964 copyright protection499PENANArzHF7A45CT 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAI4308DL7A5 維尼
一起來8964 copyright protection499PENANAHGlKABm7QO 維尼
3503Please respect copyright.PENANA3qewB5w2k2
2503Please respect copyright.PENANA256Os8CVJm
18964 copyright protection499PENANATZAdt08sjC 維尼
8964 copyright protection499PENANAGBvOIPtKHB 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAw0QRqjjf3m 維尼
雖然得到紀言的大圈……503Please respect copyright.PENANAkgPKcoVFQf
可是,看來是逃不過進復活賽的命呢8964 copyright protection499PENANA0NF9kQcsN4 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANAYCkJoaOttj 維尼
會有古拳法嗎?503Please respect copyright.PENANAUV2IaqhObD
會有嗎?503Please respect copyright.PENANAdwWVYalDBb
@_@8964 copyright protection499PENANAkkFzI8JS4R 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAW1pLDmVwH6 維尼
會有嗎?8964 copyright protection499PENANA0tODITkDHv 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAthJLyhNpNl 維尼
看來沒有呢8964 copyright protection499PENANAkusiiX7451 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANA8A3YTtSUgA 維尼
嗯⋯⋯雖然有點可惜503Please respect copyright.PENANAweLKMnEAUm
但還是先不用吧><8964 copyright protection499PENANA4bMhpR2SPf 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAXudPNpz63h 維尼
噢!503Please respect copyright.PENANA9UbBv0XfXQ
是真的逃不過進復活賽的命呢503Please respect copyright.PENANAbla1A7tWaL
可惜了。8964 copyright protection499PENANAKGqnMfjW0Y 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAisKbGpjI6W 維尼
加油503Please respect copyright.PENANAvncHBN99Kn
文筆是很對我胃口的503Please respect copyright.PENANAjj87utGRjU
繼續努力8964 copyright protection499PENANAb0IYVPgmDK 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAwRQHg8G4X7 維尼
矇豬眼 看見了嗎?要加油哦503Please respect copyright.PENANAPNz16eG7y9
那接下來先進一則廣告!503Please respect copyright.PENANAHdj3A3FMZh
廣告回來再看看其他作品哦。8964 copyright protection499PENANAP7pAEMsmbr 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANA63DzNnzxgV 維尼
位元堂!503Please respect copyright.PENANAjuhrUSLkIo
養陰丸!503Please respect copyright.PENANAGHhHk1R7yW
好似太陽咁溫暖!503Please respect copyright.PENANAFnWLlj5nwP
【聲音被節目組淡出中……】8964 copyright protection499PENANAPQIOTBihqT 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection499PENANAti6lHRJrXm 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection499PENANABFKUiP4qLi 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后8964 copyright protection499PENANAN2MbnEeh9X 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection499PENANAV23HP39FyW 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次8964 copyright protection499PENANAeXSSmUt2Ie 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection499PENANAZjvp8yUMCH 維尼
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection499PENANAyneN5u1oHb 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection499PENANAJDVtGyzfyp 維尼
先別到下一篇!8964 copyright protection499PENANAPkbYcM6a9b 維尼
8月27日晚上6點,繼續準時觀看8964 copyright protection499PENANAybMDNwvdaU 維尼
【第二階段:戰隊/復活賽】「太歲兵團 X 萌動學生小說集2021」寫作營8964 copyright protection499PENANAHoobofeZtx 維尼
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