與我同屋嘅女同學打到帽我嘅ex躺平//《同居女孩》 - 【第四十四話自我】

「Don Don Don Donki，Don Don Donki，驚安新殿堂，完全夢幻像我的家。」

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「Don Don Don Donki，Don Don Donki，今晚嚟齊來望望有咩揀。」我掃住結他唱，雖然只係掃下chord。

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今日sing con，我同陳浩然高聲歌唱著Donki嘅主題曲。

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「識唱嘅一齊唱！」陳浩然將咪遞向台下。

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然後，禮堂就充斥著Donki兩字。

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「Don Don Don Donki，Don Don Donki！You say！」我同陳浩然高聲呼喊。

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「Don Don Don Donki，Don Don Donki！」台下嘅同學和應。

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「Don Don Don Donki，Don Don Donki！Again！」

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「Don Don Don Donki，Don Don Donki！」

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「班PooPoo！」

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「感染！」

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「武漢沙士！」

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「沙士！」

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我哋落台嘅時候全場同學都給予我哋熱烈嘅掌聲，我哋就好似明星咁一邊落台一邊向台下嘅觀眾揮手。

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但係何老師就唔太滿意，佢搶走主持人支咪講：「同學，請唔好污名化新冠肺炎，唔好將佢同地名連結。」

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「收皮啦！」台下嘅同學唔同意何老師所講。

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「武漢肺炎！」其他同學叫。

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「同學，再唔收聲我就每人一個缺點！」何老師發狂般怒吼。

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「屌你老母！打鳩條教畜啦！」

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「武漢肺炎就係武漢肺炎！再唔係就中國武漢肺炎，教畜奶共就收皮啦！」台下群情洶湧，何老師唯有知難而退，行後門走人，但係有一部分同學追上去。何老師RAP。

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「阻頭阻勢嘅人走咗啦，我哋繼續唱啦！有請下一位周璇同學上嚟獻唱《一事無成》，順便用嚟同何老師打打氣。」主持人道。

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「我唱成點先？」落到台我就問倩兒。

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「估唔到你識彈結他同唱歌。」

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「鳩歌嚟嘅姐。」

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「都好叻㗎啦。」

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「你唔試下上去玩下？」

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「我都唔識唱歌。」

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「玩下姐。」

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「我無呢個才能。我除咗讀書，就無擅長嘅事。」倩兒平淡咁講。

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「點會呀！」

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「你唔明㗎啦，聽周璇唱歌啦。」

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倩兒強行結束話題後，就若有所思咁望住台上嘅周璇。

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一事無成。

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其實倩兒真係好叻，佢無必要覺得自己一事無成。

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或者以往嘅經歷令佢一直都感到自卑。

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周璇唱完之後，我就同倩兒講：「你唔係一事無成㗎。」

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「吓，無啦啦。」

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「我怕你唔開心咋。」

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「你本來唔提起嘅話其實我已經無乜嘢。」

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「你只係將佢收一收埋姐。但係我會證明你唔係淨係得讀書呢個優點。」我自信滿滿地講。

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晚上，返到屋企，我比倩兒更早霸佔廚房。

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「今日我煮飯！」我同倩兒講。

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「你肯定？」倩兒反問。

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「得啦！」煮得好唔好食其實其次，我想證明倩兒煮嘢食都好有天份。

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我拎出兩舊雞胸，用鹽、香草同黑椒醃，放入真空袋後加橄欖油再抽真空，再用61.5度熱水慢煮一個鐘。

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過咗45分鐘之後我就開始整返熱啲即食薯蓉，終極懶人餐。

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雞胸煮好之後我就再稍微煎一煎表面就上碟。

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「登登！香草慢煮雞胸！即食薯蓉！究極廢人餐，完全無技術可言。我淨係識整呢啲無技術嘅嘢，同你平時煮開嗰啲完全無得比！」我半讚半彈咁講。

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「好好食喎，雞胸完全唔柴，好滑口！」

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「好食呢。」

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「我都唔識整，你已經好勁。」

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「你勁啲呀！啲小炒類嘅嘢我完全唔識整，你比我叻好多㗎啦！」

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「叻過你都正常嘅。但係你識煮啲我唔識煮嘅嘢我有啲唔甘心咁。」倩兒咬住對筷子講。

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「咁你都係煮得叻呀，可以有啲自信。」

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「煮嘢食呢啲嘢，個個跟住食譜都可以煮得好食，就算係你都可以。所以真係無乜特別。」

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點解我覺得好似畀佢攻擊咗。

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仆街，計劃失敗，轉戰下一個行動。

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「陳浩然，我搞唔掂。」下一個計劃就係搵陳浩然幫拖，小息嘅時候我襯倩兒去廁所就搵我兄弟幫拖。

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「我都唔知點搞喎師傅。」陳浩然坦言，佢續：「點解無啦啦咁想幫佢？」

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「我同佢有啲嘢咁⋯⋯」

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「咩事呀，講啦衰仔。」

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「佢錫咗我一啖。」

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「屌你老母！」

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「冷靜啲先。」

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「點冷靜呀！啲女畀你食晒啦！」陳浩然試圖拍打我下陰。

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「未食呀⋯⋯」

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「咁即係點呀？錫咗都未一齊？」

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「係呀，我都唔知佢諗乜。」

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「錫得你就擺明有feel啦！」

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「係誤會嚟嘅⋯⋯」

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「誤你老尾！係咪要生埋仔先一齊呀！」

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「但係佢錫完我之後又好似平時咁對我，態度無變過，搞到我都唔知佢想點。」我都拗晒頭，明明錫完我，但係第二日又好似無事發生咁。

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「你鐘意人就去馬啦，成數都大，人哋都畀晒signal。」

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「衰咗就仆街啦，我哋仲要住埋一齊。到時尷尬咁住埋一齊仲辛苦。」

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「如果係你自作多情，同佢表白之後畀佢拒絕又真係幾老尷。」陳浩然拍拍我。

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「所以我都當無事發生咁對佢囉。」我講。

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「你諗你啦，拖拖拉拉就可能到人哋死心㗎啦。」陳浩然講。

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「得啦，講返正題，我哋可以點幫倩兒呀。」

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「等等！我有計！」陳浩然講完就起身就去搵周璇。

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周璇同陳浩然講咗兩句之後就一齊行過嚟我呢邊，周璇隨手拎張櫈坐低。

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我哋三個圍著同一張檯，我問：「有冇好橋？」

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「鬼有咩。我坐埋嚟吹水㗎咋。」周璇道。

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「渣ga。」我答。

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「超！你咪又係無計！」周璇反駁我。

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「咁點搞呀。」

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陳浩然望實壁報板，然後慢慢舉起手指出壁報板：「我，有，計！」

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我同周璇不約而同地將視線放到壁報板上。

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「掂啦！」我叫出聲。

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「點解掂呀？」周璇唔明點解呢件事掂，呢個事應該得我同陳浩然知道。

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「你想知呀？係嘅，我同倩兒喺熟啲嘅。」我笑道。

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「講你就講啦！」周璇大大力拍落我膊頭。

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「是咁的，倩兒鐘意畫畫。」我簡短地講。

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「哦！咁呢個fit啦！」周璇拍案大叫。

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壁報板上嘅係海報嘅招募，要幫學生會設計學界運動會打氣嘅facebook icon。

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「咁你去叫佢試下啦。」我叫周璇去勸導倩兒。

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「你自己唔做？」

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「畀機會你試下同朋友傾下偈，你陣間同佢講啦。」我怕次次都係我講會搞到佢反感。

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「好啦！咁我嚟啦。」

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「講緊咩？」倩兒咁啱去完廁所返嚟。

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「兒兒，不如你去參加囉！」周璇指住壁報板講。

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無錯係我叫佢勸倩兒，但係無叫佢咁直接。

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「我未必搞得掂。」倩兒拒絕。

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「玩啦屌你！你有photoshop咪試下整囉！你掂㗎喎！」陳浩然講。

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「你又知我掂？」倩兒反問。

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「我話掂就掂啦，試試佢啦。」陳浩然講完之後倩兒就望實我。

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「你試下啦。你畫畫咁靚！」我都加入勸說軍團。

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「兒兒你識畫畫㗎！好勁呀！」周璇用港女 tone講。

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「但係我唔係讀VA⋯⋯」

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「試下啦，我感覺你會搞得掂！」周璇對倩兒有不知名嘅信心。

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「咁呀……」倩兒講完又將視線投放喺我身上。

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「試啦，就算輸咗都無嘢蝕底。」我提出。

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「既然係咁，我就試一次啦。」倩兒終於接受我哋嘅提議。

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「兒兒！你有咩要幫手就出聲啦，我會幫你手㗎！」小璇興奮地講。

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「我都會！」我講。

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