下班回家，淋浴。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpXv7Z4Nhv
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KWxy6ORyU
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpojlC5UtX4
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIlVzI2Hja
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAbDHjoxH4
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKsEtRYbd0
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpHCmqjfNY
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfkGa3Z0iR
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Zfxc6GdQv
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2HWIoN5wC9
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQidJUxPhS
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMTJ0oYijx
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2x7HAnIUqF
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dA7onsSt5
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUApvmPxpqn
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnyuRMuYQi
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQG8tvA2a5i
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3QGkNn14c
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjeUlM94vk
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QZrfQGhz8
啪——啪——247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe7T4UEWbAG
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3TGTbYWhB
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefW0phkzrl
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjhWcj0eiLF
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LbnPeUwfm
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiybY3YLmyx
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCpJfqcJIp
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRx38NV5vx
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJMU45Urk0
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7vYR1UmVb
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdB7dvD2Y9
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTZONBV6rq
算了吧。沒所謂。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQT5WRe0tKp
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMGbYHALtT
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwK0Cvcplg
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJHDHkgej1
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJC1dtkoyq
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Nx6BTFuWy
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjifQ93JW64
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcMDTt3PQqx
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdpELiPFuR
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1uvZZhQpFt
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwUnYerfUf
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF18aVdTVtR
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8qbn7ORly
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXSXGXvPG7
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGqrZYX0tl
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1GdRwxvsis
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTn5yAyiYiU
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nADJ8FDnV
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3SYKCnqdE
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUZUuMted4
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwYBfiFWGn
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLaoRujXaZ5
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrypToF1ak
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxK0iaSq6V
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFsz1UPDov
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb2L6bT841X
我頭也不回開門離家。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrnFOCsJyX
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcl9tUVqja6
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluc8Ky7AlL
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa53nnq3TcH
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNoMBCNVxs
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW4EgjGu8bb
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt48TvD5Inr
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEUnLrQKCa
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLw4XAFLye
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4y0zgUsxY
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVi9NJvJXNY
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPx7eFtOCNm
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6i1cGfLeY
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrEwVvO1pq
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPkHFozkYf
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWp6BxBApnE
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjfsolwgRx
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdJJolvG4gp
「你不開心？」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7afbFwrJX6
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmXA4QK16p
「是的。但與你無關。」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDE4nAwtfQU
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQD9zP2vMV
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HgtD7sgUJ
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRS5he26Zi
「還有菸嗎？」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Efsm9FRZR
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡze6VwpnCTQ
「有。」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQltv7NvQVu
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSriH0x8Gkb
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1e1VMHTTQ
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgzKu65PE5
「俊仔還好嗎？」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJMMy0kGKBv
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡatjaTwm0kB
「與你無關。」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9oeRqa828
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkTgLsdkHE
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWTyq7k4er
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImBsUWtQ8V
我幽幽一笑。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WkV2jUSiy
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45iNM0ZUQM
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOad9ciXkI1
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFAtP2E74qP
「多少？我付！」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetFFmKmIcU
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhz9wAVgraW
「五萬七千五百元。」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZqBj4GP2B
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WWePtVJNo
「好！沒問題！小意思！」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uJrFtpLnl
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRI86UffQD
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98zmExy9Pg
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluAvEiwLxB
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zBU4jmEJ5
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84WWJxcKGs
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKTjdJw5Do
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hMlA2K9wY
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKwJaqiAsIf
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1NuKAq3Kx
「阿顧，對不起。」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxxBZFTh96
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCofcogQ9qJ
「道歉有屁用！」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvAmXACDI6
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdhCxbKRbE
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTI3CA6wvS
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHBA5u8inko
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZiIEhYfZc
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTArpiepDd
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwgIVsMRNxk
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7fE1ZYGrm
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybiTZLcM6L
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdm66RGDXkT
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNz8Vw5fT0i
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zHpm074pw
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8smcvvganM
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EYsI3f8Ag
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfM4Bh250rQ
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡta8g49h5BI
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6OyxfZbguM
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNKcR5BrRB
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvbIWXczuP
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguvEKVoJY2
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8O8RZgSQ1v
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOH9IxgN8NM
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmOY1NilUU
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIsDSeuLkHa
我活該……我活該……我活該……247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQuf1xaPc9a
247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbLvoCkSxv
我如此催眠自己。247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZlb2XThcT
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.60da2
然後按「加至主畫面」