下班回家，淋浴。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTHoy6YYwW
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtKvBNbrT4N
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqI9HJ9zDwt
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZ2R99CuTu
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxlZERPOjJQ
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJFEDL8VxD
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbcYL45iJXF
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHr750aF2Xv
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡScxdXu68Im
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyk7BwMJF2z
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEz4akgvxPH
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxv7ZpbFzu
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8j8rVlDsSJ
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrdLASTS97
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AJ9Qdy1As
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5kNq4fwK8b
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwu0VnU6HT
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3y64KfGVa
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcMcKiq0ue
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr6R7GjbWZx
啪——啪——189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPuFvLC3t4K
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdsHddk8HU
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmumoNt7zoV
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0QCpMl1Oy
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVv81nXMbXt
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkye47aRPfH
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVho6hLRvG
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlh27GspRwP
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvcvTcOUxZ
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmG9qnYCZrQ
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1CR0A29Ri
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1zYZ1qLyS
算了吧。沒所謂。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyC547hzcuT
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq911pzxVwr
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsLvWc6RMEl
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdB3ewdtKo
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VnlaHInRK
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmh0K7NiQWD
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcJMp45FK1
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3sut2YYeT5
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXjLr5LMbg
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMoMP6GqVS
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaP7Pt3hc6
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwFcI0VR9J
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtKEwNvjpbk
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGBAnwlK5f
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdqv7wAhrr
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD2cS8mvwQR
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBEi3wH6L5
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04YTqi3Of8
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfhawNrcjF
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xwEOwjT79
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMdZjiCPy7q
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPL3XCydST
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcvazcw5qM
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6wnXs8rs9
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvyrVGlGcS
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCnlQ8JwCC0
我頭也不回開門離家。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSW6O16I7Wm
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCSunedi8E
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAJjpth3gS
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMN3eEzsDDQ
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3D3zLeukb
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvs4KTmxVMR
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjIanMH0eF
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczq5VAhdGC
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8yG9jCpAA
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIK2tuLtrS
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡORagmFOJbZ
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN3VkPRqf5B
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Tqrt5HcFQ
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjws5GrtQaP
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDDFC6nohe
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28ofWlxJkZ
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNfHhd1UpQ
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡad1vXiJHWW
「你不開心？」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwshGXQmqqb
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRQ1g2jONy
「是的。但與你無關。」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpJepZ5x7k
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjTGU4JqEkj
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8ve9JSz3G
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9oUrdv51Vo
「還有菸嗎？」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcskzq4ciCt
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp91oGvzQH5
「有。」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCDfnwkAFuW
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwPhKxSi8B
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNvvgP0BWkh
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUev4eiPsxQ
「俊仔還好嗎？」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRAt3FgOnSE
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkr04VChrIl
「與你無關。」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjA53knUYG
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VfFfAK09K
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ781lCrbz8X
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOezLxoIU1
我幽幽一笑。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHfI30NgZ8
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjhUfaRg8d
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVJfyn2a4U
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6LKCdSmqf
「多少？我付！」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpu8dSBTq0D
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhnbZwwtkT
「五萬七千五百元。」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKveHzaIeX
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFh6mlKFZ0t
「好！沒問題！小意思！」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5TVhkWVyEu
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUD5DXzRBD
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwXz4hWbqP
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZvaVxqeTY
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOBXsy6Ua5W
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XwC7qc3Wx
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEDFnkO41iu
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlmVWIB4WO
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghfmjvAEcC
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zRAKDdc9H
「阿顧，對不起。」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVJISvPBv9Q
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7OZtdjjzGL
「道歉有屁用！」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFrZ7UkpGpo
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtMAg0KWaY
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdH5wKStbU
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjpzcXuaRV
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxVfvaSDQH
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpCGcXMwUnV
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf3aJHiYtDz
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPImn0nsNqv
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYNQxcrrYJ
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcZRigdbDQB
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizHGAFte6S
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN1K9vDBvIw
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRppHeWUPHr
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7keNeNZiMQ
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBwhXhvgZ6
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtydDeBLXx
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqAxn646DjR
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdvq9Jbr3ts
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlIbO5dmVA
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7Gmb872tz
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5gODJipqc
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMv1lQCX86e
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2f7b6AUbwl
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSkGQLmXHz
我活該……我活該……我活該……189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7FGTlLqaPW
189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73SthtdpHb
我如此催眠自己。189Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjanTRgXVUB
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns3.139.94.67da2
然後按「加至主畫面」