最讓你難過的一件事 - 不介意

下班回家，淋浴。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLv2eT6rqe
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvblrBul0b
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOog0TXsvfC
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyjYCj1M9h
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMbRawChZL
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJFiTofsYsY
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38msLk4Yo5
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSc8jZX3Jv
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3TMnjqHnfm
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfv1S2B4nvj
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡelCEa6ufZo
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxM2RlaGGT
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVpuaSwuyD
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC1AmtSyX5Z
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl7CvZOZyXA
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfyHZ4LlhA
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQulDpEuFT
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCkOqk2lqb
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6NjTuftETq
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoV0UiZBi90
啪——啪——213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkKKnF9giC
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnj2Z64Ibi
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCDnCwkOCG
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0FNT9vZVLi
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFr5ZL5omy
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9If6G03VQy
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmssoj548Ix
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkz2P1BmOoj
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrKWjvOawk
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYb6XGcNpd
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNBvDKVJJS
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nPi66grVR
算了吧。沒所謂。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitojKkgKET
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsHvN44aESJ
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1MugKeJOz
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKMvzhGizLh
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbqyor1TOCb
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcOWxNg2EC7
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡheAEnBLqXQ
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIY01uhSvsX
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDOREQCEti
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxaMwnItbyZ
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwspxdNTeP
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXhTlhD4Db
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BfUGHncRX
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyf0kSKjIAo
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIUoLmOVSf
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKLTUifWxM
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBUhQVQj8a
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9oG81Z25t1
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenx7QiFtdH
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcowBrRJ0w0
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPEyhRKWO0
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPREDYDL01
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46GvypuU6D
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAwobXbfCM
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡimyj1hsIHc
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBENBAHWObd
我頭也不回開門離家。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZONg8Eedd
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTt3T1pAwuF
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIL2fUhPbsG
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmMaInvFsM
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPkOLxckEC
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrJtZ6XuP6
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVmER4Kuzl
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡntoooGIdvU
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aD3Y2vt9r
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2XHfdDd9nG
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXQjCmpoHa
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefYelZf1Cq
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyrHRVyuJ2
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQRSNySG1Y
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwJqzKfO2w
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJruu0w11m
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWjk86eqLo
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwQG4mKSIX
「你不開心？」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2y20wHEjc9
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL388fkzWnl
「是的。但與你無關。」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3AEhY01AZ0
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoMShUejaUk
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9ZDjgDT0Z
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjYWZ00Rs3
「還有菸嗎？」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSO4uefLg3i
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TNSXRZrJa
「有。」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkzGCdRLA5
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKkvsOq4Qp
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXQr6HVZYO
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBVV2lQOvM
「俊仔還好嗎？」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTawEj9uLg
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbNHAAstVfs
「與你無關。」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡte3wctteoo
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAAWkzOGp5
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡntOpwPLOqv
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzI8QSBJpmJ
我幽幽一笑。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbxKND1uaP
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2EwYiOEMe
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AfLtuQl1V
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCfzTRkRWu
「多少？我付！」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVndd5KQTsd
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rbVvJdzSv
「五萬七千五百元。」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyw2jrYbzX
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzTy2iDE4N
「好！沒問題！小意思！」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZFM88I2bI
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHRDLNsE7o
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLpsMUwYgA
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcW6s1nyoqg
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMt7JlpjYT9
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhW1M6pVbA
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhY7ds9Hg92
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpakX4Dd7u
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOX9be2o7jT
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNlubbYddv
「阿顧，對不起。」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekJq10yjJB
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD2GfJTU3TN
「道歉有屁用！」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3khnoyV3OC
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8FmIxWOG1
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59QKoSkjlA
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAb1r7yGT8O
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJqyiyJm6f
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpeuox3POnT
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaG3NxN9GO3
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPBFb4E4JT
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuAjPxG4Eif
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8tYB6rUHT
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPdkicEEb3
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIhn7q4Z7B
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZWtax502b
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNL3ooCKHS
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSHRLVH9kZ
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpqpQcBmYd
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI0bok3m305
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijTtK7qtTa
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgA7qR3Kul3
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Ukxbcnqro
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeWLl3m5VJ
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2bNguB1Yn
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8wrOs6kaL
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6xdzHgw7r
我活該……我活該……我活該……213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhLS7jV1k2H
213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89fdllOMBF
我如此催眠自己。213Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowIg3p5SI0

註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。

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