最讓你難過的一件事 - 不介意

下班回家，淋浴。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurLeUfFLKU
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sEtCeztEs
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYr6LIqrGq
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvVtKu94Vd
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtbGs0PK2k
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfmnherq5L
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gQVZlbInN
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI5s4b6ns3a
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ioTFhxm7v
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXsxI4EJX2
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrk8ah0R6aP
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuohNkCYxGz
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPmyzRerLU
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzynnPiYf1
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRG2F8lJRkW
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyxt9kr71e
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQNxuYn4Hi
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVCeuvdS9f
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2yhXZZVbg
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ742upXJEgH
啪——啪——298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrb3iJPlif
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneIpH56MSs
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpDYtbFGsK
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBIrrCo9vNA
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTUKkzGh8M
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTDE9Avjgl
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlwRpLSS3Y
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9TDftgXK0W
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCwts958Oy
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsPpGoFW03
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKEpzYdJ8n
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDCI5oW15I
算了吧。沒所謂。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvhRuiGpMC
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQnHszNWdU
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3w80Fz3gL
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡreU2hyMJt1
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEK0qjXTNsv
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKD6SkaiIMJ
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQjmYofPrk
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Rq53R8zrt
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBSRcSkzaC
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ur7RptPbL
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Z2Fk9rYYt
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbOajvryfL
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRl6LzvN1GJ
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITpOIbMQOn
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAryuAEF8Ci
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHr6FxmgjB
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfhZfuDseJ
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFePd8JXJrz
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5lRJN6yTj
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhGVIk6sqL
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzC8s1QQ1F
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN226ppuV3B
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Flj4VfaW2
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmmbkplfx0
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSQ3zxgEHH
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbnaalWl25q
我頭也不回開門離家。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFIcfUQz1Ug
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8sEhCtVwR
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZ9u3wnSs8
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzFF5ZF4hR
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYtUON5dF5Q
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeF7GFmUUM
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8cYwtECtS
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7nFiNq6T5
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWrVGlb2p4
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLJlJh8BPg
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5iFIbqlKX
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSRtWHa7HL
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NELLvzN6Y
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy9NQNZJ4ct
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmH7Sm6spb
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOLk0xLdCP
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCwrIb0v2Q
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQYci44xKp
「你不開心？」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjlHgEjZB1
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFp0tFrApV
「是的。但與你無關。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikCm2XVcTw
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbGCEAaiBMN
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3YtI6My7ic
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbD8xCz3uq
「還有菸嗎？」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwhe9z1STb
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnltVHsSRg
「有。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOt94JS9aS
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdeWG32qdgX
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZINnY2gnQ
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9YFLCAVqz
「俊仔還好嗎？」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnExBAr4UQJ
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnekc86ecFi
「與你無關。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQaV6HHzU7
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59NTXoTPls
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1xiybWqxfA
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUKnXKNqap
我幽幽一笑。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMbdxTB5N2
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXMBUDpCJND
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhLohgNq1D
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2UggAMeIi
「多少？我付！」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdFa1lKpvy
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseVynV4DU9
「五萬七千五百元。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoTCT00uTX
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5snT4TXPiW
「好！沒問題！小意思！」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebZD6o4tJ5
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyzlO4Rham
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuj9fs7FLfC
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWLffnmVIq
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKCj9MdN25
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFL22Aeddiq
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozMW4cC0RU
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNgNJofiOZu
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxINmef4B1
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZ9ytTN8zP
「阿顧，對不起。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1zn9Eh3pn
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJJTeodZfs
「道歉有屁用！」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAZtPVZxWOg
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8w8RlWUoB
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInWdzObnAH
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4v6xjssFUp
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpGwXbgPzL
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtBOFLCEFU
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CL1Pp74U1
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuejXqijkRA
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LjvESAnjk
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDe0eGwoI9
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGAPy6UQyy
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwvxq6luZRS
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5bCzQGS6BB
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAhUmXimaz
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz70DkX2Uxz
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyonPsSetw
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tuiqPFXOZ
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAjGfLv8pi
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5JU7FXyCC
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXRKj6x4Ms
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHrx8ahnT5
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLqtikxZhR
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhB5aMxrB3A
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdt2Tff5FO
我活該……我活該……我活該……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSUkDxbPUJ
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSlxeAK10l
我如此催眠自己。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOwp646AaR

註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。

ns216.73.216.82da2

介面主題:

字體大小:

行距:

段距:

自動加載下一章