最讓你難過的一件事 - 不介意

下班回家，淋浴。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiCSDVoMXq
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我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡha1H2excHm
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今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pJ1NCXhv5
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7W3YsKRTpQ
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbghpklxF5
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW790HrjfjD
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5cZveggsX8
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxoIsZFRKq
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJOwJAFAu5
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEFA8hnShi
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnk4dutlGJs
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzYbV2kG7qD
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4r8eGwTYo
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6WmKp30Vn
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTf9vsjqpu
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ5HMpsqxgE
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3I04CrgvPK
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啪——啪——300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwOv7Rn0Za
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「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5NY6iiQH6
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpd0IVOwxP
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgOylFzHqD
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBBpkJ0zAe
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPRzEDLJ7A
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6XO8zonqJ
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwGmbaW42E
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEu1PCkNaUU
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYLrdqlWjT
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAe0EWNM8V
算了吧。沒所謂。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLrxCH2GGA
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我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQTet8zCdW
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVR83ucaX0m
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerVkxQ5q29
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDDSD7L5O9
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEAuDYwzINm
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9VGGtOyzB
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwOkknXYWF
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7aDpuEtEB
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhOCruYoRV
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lCyw2yqjj
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpduYwwy1cD
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIoAVF69ZZ8
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZ5JDh3TzR
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8eL2SZpGY
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdir6nDlhwP
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6n6fEWhDfd
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2kXKx9dV6v
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5D8ccfzUYr
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NanjwEx7b
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5WPdye45Pe
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAivT2O6rLT
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPMqxDuMR4
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhyzCchNoy
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7GAqJslSZ
我頭也不回開門離家。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsSBp0dQ3P
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ19weoy2p0k
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9xCOkmSuQg
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZMOG6Q2D9
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9OryPywai
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7BIzMA21G
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCl5pIqGs3G
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpSPU9zomI
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCp99TmZATf
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6rKPSXxAr
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JX3cXDHaS
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPlpwT7YmxJ
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6NGZc5z1T
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0axkkaa6mw
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCJESC0XRd
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFo5HWjKrHY
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeACDMZ2tf1
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「你不開心？」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKbmFeRagU
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「是的。但與你無關。」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhLtShb5ew
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFE7ENe3R9
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOttV3Ys3mt
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「還有菸嗎？」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhY3eVZBmKI
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「有。」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTS1smne9f8
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前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiF6vLoqCMG
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr84XSCYc42
「俊仔還好嗎？」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZNzJbcp7g
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「與你無關。」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOorB3rk6ss
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcY1fVtTNR
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKyG07c4gUx
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRKejl2mkT
我幽幽一笑。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVptM3F5MVf
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「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FKD5v1pJh
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「多少？我付！」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrc6bfo1g2
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「五萬七千五百元。」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DAtmERWh7
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「好！沒問題！小意思！」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibtvNVws2t
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYEY1pWUtXJ
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZKgy9d9pb
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0TercGTSX
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6prXeJYHoC
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLA6OWfpn9C
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYLrh8hDtK
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVupjUhNvRw
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrnxY0JaGb
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrXS1WqWEk
「阿顧，對不起。」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NIpBGeL7a
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「道歉有屁用！」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwVsFJ4SxK
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「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVcIhr61jQ
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgpTqVTDYz
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUUotbeDWyb
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHg3vZ3fq3
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIG1lZm57l
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjC1E9IBg4
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUniqi6JkS
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyCnZldKjm
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRqij4iu05
300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpg4RWObR4q
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6uq4FL9lj
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我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmfM17l8ah
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嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBQ7CRv4DH
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忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1AkdAkBVq
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我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBRE3a55w9
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既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfekeEBNL7
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我活該……我活該……我活該……300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3mkxARwjk
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我如此催眠自己。300Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5dqp6EfeL

註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。

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