下班回家,淋浴。118Please respect copyright.PENANA1ivUzs3lX3
118Please respect copyright.PENANA2MXMYNoKHu
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣,目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。118Please respect copyright.PENANAGtWpKriXtT
118Please respect copyright.PENANAxMfzROd81w
今天,同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉,我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語,我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意!118Please respect copyright.PENANAuyActWvnqM
118Please respect copyright.PENANAx4bsZcaWg7
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊,我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊,也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。118Please respect copyright.PENANAzksy7h9JjY
118Please respect copyright.PENANArGLnUS4CZP
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片,不由得傻笑起來:「要沾甜酸醬……」118Please respect copyright.PENANA1HeGbSy9oJ
118Please respect copyright.PENANAWQbGnQTOil
沐浴後,我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後,阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住,替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美,會夾餸菜給她,但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味,但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。118Please respect copyright.PENANAK6ZFsDTy4J
118Please respect copyright.PENANAdcLEwXpNTq
若問我為何可以如此大方,可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊,照顧我的兒子,耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我?因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢,現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人,現實是我沒有介意的本錢。118Please respect copyright.PENANACZXfgHTVvL
118Please respect copyright.PENANABL8c8h2ih5
飯後,俊仔做功課,阿美洗碗,我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸,我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色,方長的臉,矮肥的身材——像我爸,又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬,然後想起阿美。人如其名,阿美的確長得美。她像媽,五官精緻,皮細肉嫩,玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人,我也會選擇阿美……118Please respect copyright.PENANAyXzE0yqdF9
118Please respect copyright.PENANAvuVZeoRika
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰?恨阿美太漂亮,恨前夫好色,抑或恨自己像亞古獸?118Please respect copyright.PENANAKc8JV9zrqN
118Please respect copyright.PENANAG5fxYB8fyn
我笑了:我真的很像亞古獸。118Please respect copyright.PENANA9oEMePrDls
118Please respect copyright.PENANAlc6xHj0F8A
啪——啪——118Please respect copyright.PENANAO5PyTu8Fhr
118Please respect copyright.PENANA4M9Ti282Gt
「媽咪!我肚痛,要大便!」118Please respect copyright.PENANAJTnY8bbd8Q
118Please respect copyright.PENANAKy90SoW2gh
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁,沖水。我離開浴室,看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青,一股勁兒衝入浴室去。118Please respect copyright.PENANAoYJywWqWqV
118Please respect copyright.PENANA4itOsskaGf
「媽咪!菸味很臭啊!」俊仔隔門抱怨。118Please respect copyright.PENANAldD2tljZ7i
118Please respect copyright.PENANAKFzZIZcHgi
「你的大便也很臭呢!我老遠也嗅得到!」阿美代我反嘲。118Please respect copyright.PENANAwzGTW3fujI
118Please respect copyright.PENANA7l9aDgnpQL
我望望阿美,苦笑,笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑,但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法,或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。118Please respect copyright.PENANAC8NYB950wQ
118Please respect copyright.PENANAscy8Tnbjec
算了吧。沒所謂。118Please respect copyright.PENANA5WYrGeCKOY
118Please respect copyright.PENANAhdD2a6FwYo
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的,然後回到睡房去。118Please respect copyright.PENANAfVKwzzy7F4
118Please respect copyright.PENANAAklMHzmZ9F
該要睡,想要睡,卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭,大便很臭……118Please respect copyright.PENANAs3MMWbVePp
118Please respect copyright.PENANA8wWVcuDGcX
我傻傻笑了:很無聊,怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西?118Please respect copyright.PENANA6WbuIPjfFS
118Please respect copyright.PENANAf6xpZNUGcz
不夠累嗎?我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。118Please respect copyright.PENANA3KTUbVOTHw
118Please respect copyright.PENANAQbD1dEGzH0
我更衣換褲,套上波鞋,打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。118Please respect copyright.PENANAzrFeBC93wN
118Please respect copyright.PENANAswL2k0LvSS
「姐,買菸嗎?」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間,她正在為俊仔檢查功課。118Please respect copyright.PENANA5duY5B8PjM
118Please respect copyright.PENANAhHpbUBsNjB
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。118Please respect copyright.PENANAVPyKiApmWM
118Please respect copyright.PENANAeF7urADPia
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天,需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑,似乎察覺到我的不對勁。118Please respect copyright.PENANAoTYDXl6rG2
118Please respect copyright.PENANA4yDQK9Dd2W
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。118Please respect copyright.PENANAKRpO4J7zKs
118Please respect copyright.PENANAierWfhoYCs
「姐,我……」也許是基於內疚,阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務,包括夜半買菸。118Please respect copyright.PENANAcOMBfjrdiA
118Please respect copyright.PENANAoJYcf1Z1jW
「我說——不!」我加重語氣,拉長字音,滿腔怒火不言而喻。118Please respect copyright.PENANA3MJZ9yedDv
118Please respect copyright.PENANAjVqKkqlcf6
阿美呆了,霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣,探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意,彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……118Please respect copyright.PENANAQVPHPu4AWC
118Please respect copyright.PENANAL3WzsiRACh
我頭也不回開門離家。118Please respect copyright.PENANAwPh0h80Vxr
118Please respect copyright.PENANAn4xODwpep4
夏夜,海風濕重,翳侷悶人。岸有燈火,海浪微盪,從多個度折射著黃光白光,閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面,卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空,越放空越見混亂。118Please respect copyright.PENANALjzmKBOXCD
118Please respect copyright.PENANAImy2f6VvCC
我憑欄抽菸,抽得很兇,不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。118Please respect copyright.PENANAxaock8gfgz
118Please respect copyright.PENANAPzDq528zwM
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……118Please respect copyright.PENANAgN3LHiBsAK
118Please respect copyright.PENANAbcEXxRLmwr
最後一根菸殆盡,指隙間突然空虛無限。118Please respect copyright.PENANAh2qAfdpJGR
118Please respect copyright.PENANADp7WFEbttm
我不捨就此回家,奈何忘記帶銀包,無法買菸。118Please respect copyright.PENANAVJzpFk9WK1
118Please respect copyright.PENANAvcZdOfxM4e
「要菸?」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷,不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大,也算不上細小,但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。118Please respect copyright.PENANA3S5YY2eGdk
118Please respect copyright.PENANASoHVsCg1UL
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇,我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時,他又識趣地主動為我點菸。118Please respect copyright.PENANAKFkWdtf4OS
118Please respect copyright.PENANApOv1sm8R2B
「怎麼了?突然那麼體貼?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAkfpQToPNUh
118Please respect copyright.PENANATmcsFdbO27
「你不開心?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAs7eAqHa8zm
118Please respect copyright.PENANAMGPyE2NUr5
「是的。但與你無關。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAfKFEWiFcm2
118Please respect copyright.PENANAfORrFOTwQC
面對帶刺的話,前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸,默默待我享用完整根香菸。118Please respect copyright.PENANAr5ahMscOJE
118Please respect copyright.PENANAuntG8Ryco5
「還有菸嗎?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAc3JoqPBZd8
118Please respect copyright.PENANAy8Pu5g1LA8
「有。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA1VkZ8S3ge8
118Please respect copyright.PENANAMAQ815YVTg
前夫再次遞菸、點菸,但他沒有繼續保持沉默。118Please respect copyright.PENANAXFR2v5I1lA
118Please respect copyright.PENANAyNlhm0PZJW
「俊仔還好嗎?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAwIuWh4Ze42
118Please respect copyright.PENANAwrFiRdSR4X
「與你無關。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA6W9PbC1tUL
118Please respect copyright.PENANAsXIt7sNr6z
「即使我跟你離婚了,我依然是俊仔的爸。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAYmI1Kbg27i
118Please respect copyright.PENANAuNgBUxsoqG
我幽幽一笑。118Please respect copyright.PENANAHVPNpLEHk8
118Please respect copyright.PENANA1te8eqO0O3
「俊仔的爸啊!俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團,但我騰不出費用。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAJUITbjdumv
118Please respect copyright.PENANAcr2KEcwTrW
「多少?我付!」118Please respect copyright.PENANAsHxli79Oge
118Please respect copyright.PENANAvxyqU8aVK9
「五萬七千五百元。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA6LcnXylGPu
118Please respect copyright.PENANAzMgdMFgtTw
「好!沒問題!小意思!」118Please respect copyright.PENANACFZcK0ZQTt
118Please respect copyright.PENANAcr6gOgAcDc
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處,我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來,再也止不住。118Please respect copyright.PENANAGdGY9RixZU
118Please respect copyright.PENANAzdLDHk12OR
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」118Please respect copyright.PENANACQVzb7Fk5F
118Please respect copyright.PENANAezwFtmlNng
「別傻、別傻!我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」118Please respect copyright.PENANAVo6NFKQdUq
118Please respect copyright.PENANAfvxNj95rtL
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」118Please respect copyright.PENANA8cMXxvBQHF
118Please respect copyright.PENANAHyZX4z6qcu
「阿顧,對不起。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAsalWuvixWl
118Please respect copyright.PENANAxgpO63bNnT
「道歉有屁用!」118Please respect copyright.PENANAWIyEQXGRtD
118Please respect copyright.PENANARx34woQU7b
「既然你認為道歉無用,那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩,也請找我幫忙,我會盡力幫助你。」118Please respect copyright.PENANAXaiJiEoQGl
118Please respect copyright.PENANAUxD1Htbtfx
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去,但我相信他:我清楚他的脾性,他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不,該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。118Please respect copyright.PENANAzbhMAHZVOG
118Please respect copyright.PENANAYUVwz0kxYw
如果我不是急需用錢,我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉;如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔,我早已將阿美趕出家門;如果我不是知道為人母親之責任,我多麼想就此棄下俊仔,展開更自由自在的新生活!118Please respect copyright.PENANAxZm8IUrHaA
118Please respect copyright.PENANA6bEZCQ5sGL
可惜,世界從沒如果,只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔,我就要必須對他負責——為了他,我不得不向現實低頭。118Please respect copyright.PENANAUPjlcmS0LR
118Please respect copyright.PENANAeRcvCSvMEQ
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願,卻沒奈何。118Please respect copyright.PENANABRNHRUCFXX
118Please respect copyright.PENANAIEIHibEnIb
「好!等我好消息!」前夫笑得很燦爛,似是找到贖罪的方法,以後不需背負罵名。118Please respect copyright.PENANAeYXL5GA5H2
118Please respect copyright.PENANAs5UIs8gwDM
我跟前夫揮手道別,然後慢步回家。118Please respect copyright.PENANA5hxe8ZUOU3
118Please respect copyright.PENANASvYVlu7HQR
嗯……怎麼形容呢?平靜如水,所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過,因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西,甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的,散亂零落的。118Please respect copyright.PENANAllLfDMBrm1
118Please respect copyright.PENANA9PQakdR1Sx
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了,亦不需解釋,反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習,也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團,自己亦不需向前夫求助……118Please respect copyright.PENANAVCv6X1fRCR
118Please respect copyright.PENANAdFDabL1Egz
我淪落至此,自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……118Please respect copyright.PENANAfKaKi1yl6d
118Please respect copyright.PENANAEdetz0puuQ
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇,也就是活該,也就沒甚麼好抱怨……118Please respect copyright.PENANAoNRUCWB7g1
118Please respect copyright.PENANAUOkMY8JsS6
我活該……我活該……我活該……118Please respect copyright.PENANA8mKJVin0Cn
118Please respect copyright.PENANAu5Jg4wL586
我如此催眠自己。118Please respect copyright.PENANAxBdsard4QQ
註:此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規,煩請創挑主通知,願刪文配合。
ns 172.70.131.30da2