下班回家，淋浴。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEjgkmxhUF
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKEVKPVvwr
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0u9xKgO1VE
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqAjGS1OV7d
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLYTfUkKoO
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8XCGcL0r9
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp7C0V3aaeI
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbADgp7e2o
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1rrhLoM5W
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Nn0TmLSBh
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOumSlOY6ng
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlonTREu7gf
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8H6tIzSrp
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0qxI51Oq3
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3YZA3wQij
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyE2K4fAJl
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7X91bnk5Ho
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46RdZyNHyM
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJavWV6aNYu
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ577PTNZcyw
啪——啪——482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbx9DHToy7
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzozVeYJxgO
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBn0awbOIAP
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfAcHXQtsr5
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCw9qXJsQas
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00UfXM48fh
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqkEavDlrQ
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9xtVcK2aGY
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0LuZZ0JU3S
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4SU0OJKDd
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwNDYtpeAT
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsA8xx6Eu7
算了吧。沒所謂。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7NhRWJPWX
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yrvMcVRzf
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlTgGv7QIFG
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBd1VXdAp5h
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDt2IlUipzf
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59HZsQRFMb
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgdoSALnK1G
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqFzLWjlBZ
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkM4rkEeEn
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90NBtG4Pz0
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvRVQ7ussEZ
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wezonhaHb
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbj7wG76NA
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WuIGW0rg9
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDykiiziuf
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw4T5sQCmgz
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWbrDNmLvv
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYkaxq9QDc
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJi3hOQsBG
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vsG3WooI8
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5GBMP7nHf
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwdqYO52kR
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8SDGBZg8p
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCfLzQ2R7m
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhe1m5GXIMh
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QX0G4Hcty
我頭也不回開門離家。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSZ7kNMkOd
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pB7FWqOzD
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnZ7RcnS8u
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIegNAxpsxQ
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUpfREH2WQ
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTdJqkMS3KW
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFWQeovahS
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHdZFoCsl4
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynclSBokeL
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7qS6N3xhK
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡej4nsuNi7x
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFonaNXAYs
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLyzBYhiQY
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Qc8Lr5qY8
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZV7oDlHd1P
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqbBShtREC
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDbQ9PYoNc
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsq6YEUtRYW
「你不開心？」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3VqOsIfR4
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDNNesVDsm
「是的。但與你無關。」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumTbEqRHfN
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRi9uRNNClF
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0pqzHpEIW
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWfwPcjMaOZ
「還有菸嗎？」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0uitqEFnzj
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHW5GiD1nE9
「有。」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTYGTa1wKZ
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQN9yJhw3gq
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaAfLYnlgJ7
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ464hW29w7R
「俊仔還好嗎？」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzukcOJoAIv
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ007WMC6Elj
「與你無關。」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghSkkLnVsG
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZ0gXeHDM5
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBROVq3uSZr
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIkNKpNgu0
我幽幽一笑。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxIZpt1xYt
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5pNOoMbSZ
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxndzY9J0x
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2Rty2LXTu
「多少？我付！」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0JcEtmt1Z
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdhSWnKRSZ
「五萬七千五百元。」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWd2jMa0k6V
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nSQt7GSZe
「好！沒問題！小意思！」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8NUPuxkt6
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN1Tx1v4WrS
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDO2sog4UJt
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSYhV7ZoXIL
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVqOKApxJm
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdigFuKSTQn
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJTpOdcEZE
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLNpG5k307
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrP6CiSoud
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCU1im1ng4
「阿顧，對不起。」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyroXh2haj
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFYODqzWqk
「道歉有屁用！」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJynkdFbSY
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtl8Px36uvo
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLit59rjf0
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJ3uG71NHE
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlpnycbLAl
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9n6PJe851
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLcFJIe9j73
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDsRWoPXubn
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL2mMOM7olb
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFxe7DcSpzt
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CJy0FKgGi
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxQOXHm4Y4
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwjDgN1ODY
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMrxXGsVaz
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡan0KQ2Tg0z
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmBZbO30CRw
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJyAGqK7NK
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡab0crQ6pI4
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNTgSeWQCv
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjEqLYE15C
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxBx6hCeYX
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98UXag0sBl
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqdtGR2TIY
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq14M2XPnd8
我活該……我活該……我活該……482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8PDQ6dkmh
482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MTnH1qb5O
我如此催眠自己。482Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVPd1Z5AAH
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
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