下班回家，淋浴。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxkzFPBB6SI
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu10bOSWeV3
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBmwNyotnH
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNf0240NVOc
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb57rvehsbi
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCiSSRVwt4
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBiPlPIgrXI
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUL5151AJD
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wh6WIZi2T
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvP4LDnFf9F
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN20BRwsB99
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zdh95AaZc
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kbGWEE45v
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYMzi6T6t9n
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTqwuIYMCP
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWprj2FTdG7
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6De7PbQRj
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Jz7UWVxYG
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ViVUmdZct
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2L6c9dvlW
啪——啪——443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJce2wH01t
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3sKqXBORq
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWn04UvcvZ
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4M5fkJwg8Y
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTBHEMxzgR
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcF2vN7FDaW
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDusQwCSCv6
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjRZN8Wbd7H
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzwUO57nYh
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡedrvxkjKiP
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwrGHmHUTJ
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8x2i3EN65A
算了吧。沒所謂。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZQ3yD0cMK
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSFhr78fUg
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6wY9pH2W7Q
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPedJTZmR2A
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXYN0KH1NJ
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32qSUXrJDN
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMw8WgM0G6h
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7pVLt9gRwF
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrdiTz169T
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Z2VkAbSri
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhBTK9wQb8
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdzefsSpUt
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhO2GDPNaz
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3E4dxi67K
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMa61Gc7yi5
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVqWOvCIay
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ16aJolXMiZ
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmBzhP6qFWD
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5i7HPdLYFE
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYhFHaarjl
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy334v9dG8W
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5ChuXTPN7
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8Fgdizhtk
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuD9kNiNNHl
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFeCR7tibJ
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuV7psSFsjs
我頭也不回開門離家。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9s2cm1AVnH
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF0PvBm5Bri
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMScBDCufD
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5BDwr2Ug0
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ALjHaivCS
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ142cliuuoL
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhJHO4CaFI
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsX7OmJPADz
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR04j0FKUsq
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2jNDlQK0J
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRaXI5KZ5j
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7VHPGl3JQi
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXi1j5JFdPO
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB76hCCaaft
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHHCjuvi38
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLS647R1v4K
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5dK9tt3b3
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMjCd8HGhf
「你不開心？」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7l4rd6SvVZ
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVarBFpiZmT
「是的。但與你無關。」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCka3knVqB8
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Lo0ppDzvv
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pLehpkS97
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHbuKIF71u
「還有菸嗎？」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9w3hCK3eyz
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWklFYgf1Vu
「有。」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡashwh0P7J3
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ZW0ChCCVF
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyvp4R1ykB
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYAVCymuWG
「俊仔還好嗎？」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi6oMDZoCe8
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7fweHIw5a
「與你無關。」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtzNyFWO7m
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRLKyqhwV5
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAo7DRuo3mh
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0pKm3Jr5J
我幽幽一笑。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0fLbTNWOP
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlF7D8TV6po
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIae2cZVa4c
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjktCpNsug
「多少？我付！」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcy5ktXvVgQ
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPC3S8ULa6V
「五萬七千五百元。」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQ5bTHQfxq
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzUrNQx8xn
「好！沒問題！小意思！」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VLOcg9HFO
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPFXVRdLeJ
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJMJVAjxDr
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXP1njuWxm
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbFognFUlL
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXVXf1Bza0
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpaXxkm2y0d
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmW6SXX0cxL
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwu3NBWA2hw
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3pNFqN121
「阿顧，對不起。」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSwnGexqYX
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxR58WMikqZ
「道歉有屁用！」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOV4YzF6xsh
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0msqfllDW
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwoKbZ3KUPw
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Xy13MAaHJ
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HvvChtiP5
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlWE0aIjfv
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyYnloNWqH
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbnZDIgd0N
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLDbMxrSnMA
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7viSXwiB6m
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRUqowBfAk
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2vSM45dOT
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40a23pyDkv
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3eNfSKazT
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO8UWm3jr5s
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWagAODmz8a
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuziWdXrrj
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yh7G5KCv1
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjOolOCqDu
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5NZWf72P2
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeSJW0fYTOY
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsmX8iK8T7
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BY8Nn85p7
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpdS9RSYbE
我活該……我活該……我活該……443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡixQ4hOVy8O
443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡervmG4lMmI
我如此催眠自己。443Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QYOy0frXa
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
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