下班回家，淋浴。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZXfkegAiEv
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9YoJKKI9ik
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkFVJJfuwN
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPCFZ9UkS7
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoublT3AVB
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmkoA2Wmtt
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5L9sH0M7j
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUuOJCW1Eri
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRTQ8O2D2D
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5P7mt7mCzh
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95jPyiYeFo
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZa6eY4LSq
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0L16Xh5hS
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHG6QvydJwE
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dS632WDby
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXmhfLpzKo
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqPam6qGvzB
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXD575twim6
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb4sEBBr7UK
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrbD7WwPh0I
啪——啪——276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1D1WyiY8xl
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvTDnPMhNx
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwphkfcejzW
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvsBru62le
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWQdpC6PbU
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAXCumG4Jd
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1S25mpRDb
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiB1mnzkrH
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnuQquexmP
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLD1AsAEKz
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82ZPirI7EP
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGT2lstIHsn
算了吧。沒所謂。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6rO3pMAv4
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcs7ydMraN2
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIizjS4tcdR
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0giCjPiKI5
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUQ6LIJmgT
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmenc8Qf0sn
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3EQxMqjofK
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxFSkTD6QO
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmJdvtwsL9
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHMnPTHQ9L
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMyH6mYKTr
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iD27tRUNp
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfoPyDH2pHz
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8txPRczDI
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKWF5JUPW8
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CmwP40zDE
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNuxqwzmHZm
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQ1mgvxUkh
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJpYtOQ5Z4
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMrFgzTTfM
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8v6DCMAVk
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UcxpdFYw7
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFD066357QQ
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1bhjy8PLJ
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85KiifSr0V
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvB3le5QE6r
我頭也不回開門離家。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3U3xKgIB3
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctPpATU0Rv
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMN37aWuYxr
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbmVLfCnMOG
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWb21bogEzl
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdjU2REBEv
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWNipX4O37
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDC64vDBvo
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQda2aU8lI
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXaNIJNAnU
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2lkPFPIbV
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErUdTmjRcz
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKWHQ6GEUl
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndmMlbmCKw
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKPgIxBRmp
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLVteFQRnM
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadX2aECOsb
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uWcSeSrU6
「你不開心？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDKtSlefi9
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0eTzdiq5ML
「是的。但與你無關。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQVzfDEx6N
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1RvLMMhQj
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZl8KbgQHW
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHBqA4cOZrA
「還有菸嗎？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFaNYxpKAa
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡum79WKqCFR
「有。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUND7IlSly
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCEmJfzFLed
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZ27NduKjg
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vxQ41pR6I
「俊仔還好嗎？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvWFQWITqd
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvCwdPljyQ
「與你無關。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PxuBBK1vv
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwtALorhh5
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQAeH2nGVM
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGx2LPwDddY
我幽幽一笑。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5JnAMKKBsO
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuBIbA39VCn
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjY38pb7aFc
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTvvacAg6C
「多少？我付！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgjZyFrdng
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnE8EwFmXmC
「五萬七千五百元。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjbRzsvo2CV
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMnrRvOynbI
「好！沒問題！小意思！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHH1z4Ra3l
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtsGTapi8mf
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRiJNW9wv5
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaRANeL65y4
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3E086AfmL
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjiM8268d2
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Ie3UAUj65
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBY3xxUGHQL
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1okEoaWAb
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpftzOCMBp
「阿顧，對不起。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCX2pAYwNIZ
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6UU524cMYH
「道歉有屁用！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdM28NwWoJu
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkR2BBMH3RL
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeu9FROdja0
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbmMC8WdOn
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡof4OUNtfpM
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgaiuZIao5
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtcVm80jfat
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU0KkmMdjRg
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdwx2DhsSnc
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakbI9DNnvF
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYg4Qtrl176
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBngCXACCW
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyG5ivSNzZv
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNr2ZOPGp7G
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUfkzR8G6ds
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujrhNhvaUK
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh43UZdHDKv
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYSNjck7uLJ
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphzt4u3FcN
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqLrabOq2y
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseA8wYA9Br
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDspCU3iw2
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRASP3o756
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlYwU2QVxk
我活該……我活該……我活該……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2Wlavj9uW
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLFLp5RgY8
我如此催眠自己。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrsSpzQTHRd
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.72da2
然後按「加至主畫面」