下班回家，淋浴。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5qqx6aR7l0
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjzOkwHyaZ
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBVDFMFHUW
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iNHK26hB6
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe16miZVZZu
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkKN0vE9ATr
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCx2moWQUkq
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsmNAVp34BP
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGoX5aylXs
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX43uO0JGCg
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNW5RBPIir7
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ubybCUUDi
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicKRKcGKPM
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0wUv9Zo5k
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMHalPOzdn
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtt3pPAwxAv
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1yGl3mhFP3
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRYFfSnoaQ
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvy1Kj8WjUJ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2DG7W9GkL
啪——啪——268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorWp2xOgeo
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6mthxj7DbA
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BP8gkmYpU
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KNzfO7H7p
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzUeVBKhHo
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7W29Ygocws
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWm3Z7GgyRb
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wfKCCPSVK
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvUyfIvEGc
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwsUxwPtjfz
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHVYJvbNNGL
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjN5KXtHq9j
算了吧。沒所謂。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOmk0r6zDxZ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4N1odb4l3
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAYDXMRvo7s
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhv4yIBeuz0
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrytjgE7LQ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvIr1YofAz
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF8bFu0rpJo
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbciQNiF7Ej
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxBeprScfH3
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhytKI4FHEg
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaAZPip1fn
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxXxgJRJzO
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJgvzBWeAJ6
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1uit1HuQ3
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pBX4dzzTe
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzu19L01Cp3
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9oP1RdZm3
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIg135RJbq6
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZhkrdGpBrx
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0oz0gRrtbT
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ393UhpOnsu
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1slVD0nnCE
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEcFAz6fJI
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQXTxfC6J2
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmMGiM2R8X
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL7MkAmBYu4
我頭也不回開門離家。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡne7ZkbGTx2
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAdBI1XHBc
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgSEN0kX846
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmQEfB0FW7
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfXXq64miH
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6u2uagTVhI
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUY9xnglVQ6
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdwXNgLSq5i
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDNuodXifNk
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9rANEszw5
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfU6kYReval
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0O3oZOP88
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwN3I7GVeWc
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIE4WjQUVM
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnza52W55h0
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡha1enb1DGu
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2xnHWcRQc
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9VGMbdDVug
「你不開心？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ579Nf3ZkZZ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnc0ZJEszj
「是的。但與你無關。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0kq6N4We3
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfCN3yC9GC
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2g0mNc4y4
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQaouExZbV3
「還有菸嗎？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjVczvvxMB
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjwQczJVxnC
「有。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDTu680V9A
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbi3U6wzq6E
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTWvwcjzTm
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7K6w7gbLF
「俊仔還好嗎？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAJ9yyHLjx
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qIH2uhTUK
「與你無關。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyIubM7ojI
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9bSGz7nuc
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrHDBDPI6x
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA6Zp07Wtpn
我幽幽一笑。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZlxackVkp
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpGdMQnUTQ
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuI58xg6X0A
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Ajryug4eN
「多少？我付！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWyZF1Ui3R
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3ESLotXn2
「五萬七千五百元。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡet94plioDw
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKsJrsnOAI
「好！沒問題！小意思！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ10Xpbqn80w
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0pGIFvnFZA
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrd3WK4l1g4
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dE20RYrg0
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOATQ9bepQ2
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYnpnzymml
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVatKVRugC
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84JHlUhfnG
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8oBdDCly9
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHT9A1DWJsc
「阿顧，對不起。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGr4FWwib7f
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuY2i6c7OQi
「道歉有屁用！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdKJ3N7Yxi
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBtERBWVlVY
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡet5qmmJcdr
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡffz3JPeigx
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7Nmnu6KSf
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXi6A4P0pLH
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJ81uHD5u6
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvRJR5cINTK
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbGxvLCLQNs
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNzDMuLaQX
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccpevu93OS
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxTg0FyDaP
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpQdmMUUkP
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvP6Locfi7m
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEkSOFLp4F
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBamZ251oo
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1RBAZLChUN
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡABHjeGl2KX
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRLvwBWs8VL
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GHyKvT8PX
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJkYQmrska
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghpw9Dq8Ea
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqmKh1nSaM
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2gL4ZD1kX
我活該……我活該……我活該……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡClgqxLESt6
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8iVMFrHJO
我如此催眠自己。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBki0o8mEY
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.224da2
然後按「加至主畫面」