下班回家，淋浴。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHB6X8QRDty
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS413fwOdT1
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiCKkIv6crf
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rVz0W7dSx
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzyx2L4v8i7
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTe1hatTvW
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ZPckO29c3
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3MLbGXu3J
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcKRWBeUlWL
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFshRQScPPn
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJpqV4KmMk
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZy7dl4aCW
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWbCOnPDQd
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYoH9RCPOAg
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FWE6DAb7p
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTz1P3JU4r
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3M1hbOw0a
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmr5UvYp1Ad
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93q87kFCEN
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzzAtFw1ju
啪——啪——218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvF2zPbQlCm
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVsmDecH2r
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGjnvrWWpU
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvWRADDPo3k
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMaiIjDcMs
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfqVhKmMUe
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tp4TpWTvx
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFYMSnbsWw
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9gpYW1g1k
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9Bbgt3dTM
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT71chuT3vu
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59y9dgGhID
算了吧。沒所謂。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqOYkK5xTA
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrJ4FKL90O
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CFGAvzxee
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXUdEt0T7Ho
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp38er3reNA
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHojdWLswcy
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQDlAcKUbO
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhU7JJDiLTU
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL50vsXOdhE
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfVKfcc4mG
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAKlOiaVHz
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNuOVxU3E0R
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXHRRc5ihg
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDibRAVSqQ8
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEvqNMPoHH
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84LyVxdb4d
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44ETBS4yvc
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6v8nSwgXz
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx73T96yuzV
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3M7Vt17L7
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFibPYoXI4W
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrhxDtSthf
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgs97UsADJP
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65w98SHkPx
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqrtgtlttJr
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcP9RNSsJ4W
我頭也不回開門離家。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLytkWJryo
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJu8eHJYWqy
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMSLCt5Gkt
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWcTu9mYfY
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEWfBrZMAC
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDeN80tDBA
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0Ud6OpXFK
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2IifdsVTBb
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvlb3VsMEGY
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQGYdBy6cD
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vZdYcrzwq
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIiUaTXp2d0
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9JbttCcaZ
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXocC0KnJf
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcy4Sks895
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18q8OlRqE4
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rieloiOJT
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaB9OxjNJBs
「你不開心？」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0qjibVJeF
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYFXnJnS5dg
「是的。但與你無關。」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡappMLERkBq
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNohzV2iMB
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpxPl3yjrC
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvr9GpeSktg
「還有菸嗎？」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QlrZZ2s5A
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXveoyh2CSM
「有。」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡic480tcyJG
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybhDRbffSZ
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOvPqZqUXE
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqd1Rv0PZg
「俊仔還好嗎？」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIninrTB8x
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCX9FRiMsUv
「與你無關。」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj00453yTL2
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZckoXM1Bk
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBho5mPxt6
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5iWZ6koCm7
我幽幽一笑。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhOHOIU41K
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uBsB0tT8E
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Id7GN8ufF
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6NFziPV1E
「多少？我付！」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwwQ6vzVLSf
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGMsM0drhK
「五萬七千五百元。」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkxVVPEMbf
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9H7LJimpqI
「好！沒問題！小意思！」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDO2ELXxaZN
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1qdcOhKsNN
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LqZkZ3ZoY
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5614YqpMm
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVHfU2sMHy
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBW6Ystm4li
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCac19kZ0H
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQE1ySKQeRz
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4vJDEfr8F
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX79l87TF5V
「阿顧，對不起。」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3P1rUKldh
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapp0mz9wDz
「道歉有屁用！」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvPGFXAH5S
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVM2QWHRYg
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8o0wMaaVAa
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPC70ncXwzV
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssXZrFRQsq
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpTYt8S0fx
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDT8qzHWgHu
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB5qg7moR2a
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIUnHscezwW
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznUiBN53eN
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFNrZVUUDm
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1CGH0PwKF
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvR0voj1GSv
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv092h4P6Ul
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU2nDCq2FAW
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wfAv2XUXl
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDPP6zaKyz
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡktDndi1alZ
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7FNf6q2IK9
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvoe3SESSg
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxL4ZVsAcTX
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpakewyKYjZ
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgNF4dzfTf
218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5jdCkZOR4
我活該……我活該……我活該……218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6nc7f7Y1F
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我如此催眠自己。218Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8iudd1f5v
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns3.145.0.146da2
然後按「加至主畫面」