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下班回家,淋浴。119Please respect copyright.PENANAEVl1U6Cooe
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我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣,目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。119Please respect copyright.PENANA3BZY3V6u6b
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今天,同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉,我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語,我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意!119Please respect copyright.PENANAL4LxRMlBVU
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鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊,我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊,也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。119Please respect copyright.PENANAb6AQpsc8an
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「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片,不由得傻笑起來:「要沾甜酸醬……」119Please respect copyright.PENANAodGBvt8649
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沐浴後,我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後,阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住,替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美,會夾餸菜給她,但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味,但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。119Please respect copyright.PENANAx0TK4FvL4d
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若問我為何可以如此大方,可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊,照顧我的兒子,耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我?因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢,現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人,現實是我沒有介意的本錢。119Please respect copyright.PENANAM3tezwviQ3
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飯後,俊仔做功課,阿美洗碗,我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸,我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色,方長的臉,矮肥的身材——像我爸,又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬,然後想起阿美。人如其名,阿美的確長得美。她像媽,五官精緻,皮細肉嫩,玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人,我也會選擇阿美……119Please respect copyright.PENANArXYbcIY8zR
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恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰?恨阿美太漂亮,恨前夫好色,抑或恨自己像亞古獸?119Please respect copyright.PENANAsU59yImVGE
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我笑了:我真的很像亞古獸。119Please respect copyright.PENANAIP59ba4rrm
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啪——啪——119Please respect copyright.PENANAF4lkvJdPi4
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「媽咪!我肚痛,要大便!」119Please respect copyright.PENANAY72f70Bys3
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我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁,沖水。我離開浴室,看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青,一股勁兒衝入浴室去。119Please respect copyright.PENANABzhZ7gH5Te
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「媽咪!菸味很臭啊!」俊仔隔門抱怨。119Please respect copyright.PENANAXnbpUQaE6L
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「你的大便也很臭呢!我老遠也嗅得到!」阿美代我反嘲。119Please respect copyright.PENANAzB2b7m0IF7
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我望望阿美,苦笑,笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑,但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法,或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。119Please respect copyright.PENANAISHJsaJqJN
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算了吧。沒所謂。119Please respect copyright.PENANAy0uAbqqvQ5
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我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的,然後回到睡房去。119Please respect copyright.PENANAnwh9x3jMpc
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該要睡,想要睡,卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭,大便很臭……119Please respect copyright.PENANAk3kIawlQae
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我傻傻笑了:很無聊,怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西?119Please respect copyright.PENANAgb2xWBPwjJ
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不夠累嗎?我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。119Please respect copyright.PENANAaUvYkkcI2W
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我更衣換褲,套上波鞋,打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。119Please respect copyright.PENANASyG2aC0E5L
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「姐,買菸嗎?」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間,她正在為俊仔檢查功課。119Please respect copyright.PENANAS9YjpjfqlG
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「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。119Please respect copyright.PENANAMV7cqBX4er
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「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天,需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑,似乎察覺到我的不對勁。119Please respect copyright.PENANAXJATERQuY6
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「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。119Please respect copyright.PENANAwJKWpKVbQ4
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「姐,我……」也許是基於內疚,阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務,包括夜半買菸。119Please respect copyright.PENANACYZEZR4nZk
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「我說——不!」我加重語氣,拉長字音,滿腔怒火不言而喻。119Please respect copyright.PENANAGyX0Y6VD4b
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阿美呆了,霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣,探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意,彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……119Please respect copyright.PENANAi5C81VOFmM
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我頭也不回開門離家。119Please respect copyright.PENANAWaQPiSHNVr
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夏夜,海風濕重,翳侷悶人。岸有燈火,海浪微盪,從多個度折射著黃光白光,閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面,卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空,越放空越見混亂。119Please respect copyright.PENANAzE9ZTDs9Bk
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我憑欄抽菸,抽得很兇,不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。119Please respect copyright.PENANA1TLIQGp7Zf
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這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……119Please respect copyright.PENANAalzyyEo1iZ
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最後一根菸殆盡,指隙間突然空虛無限。119Please respect copyright.PENANAJs2AP6DH4v
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我不捨就此回家,奈何忘記帶銀包,無法買菸。119Please respect copyright.PENANAn4QKz533X1
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「要菸?」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷,不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大,也算不上細小,但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。119Please respect copyright.PENANAOwN7Ac5RJC
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因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇,我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時,他又識趣地主動為我點菸。119Please respect copyright.PENANAs4JmKLBpY1
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「怎麼了?突然那麼體貼?」119Please respect copyright.PENANA6wSN8E98vF
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「你不開心?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAlgEL6BNtq5
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「是的。但與你無關。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAGMgjzZHB5b
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面對帶刺的話,前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸,默默待我享用完整根香菸。119Please respect copyright.PENANAcCNxDBaaPf
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「還有菸嗎?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAPZaOZ5Kq6Y
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「有。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAnqlSXtQl8r
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前夫再次遞菸、點菸,但他沒有繼續保持沉默。119Please respect copyright.PENANA9mrkCJKZxv
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「俊仔還好嗎?」119Please respect copyright.PENANAQFcmWjD0VJ
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「與你無關。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAy1YdAgXG5j
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「即使我跟你離婚了,我依然是俊仔的爸。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAkkFEIXbYdD
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我幽幽一笑。119Please respect copyright.PENANAF0PZOas986
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「俊仔的爸啊!俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團,但我騰不出費用。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA3os0dV3vUD
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「多少?我付!」119Please respect copyright.PENANAaa90Yb3Mmq
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「五萬七千五百元。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAvfcYVkaew1
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「好!沒問題!小意思!」119Please respect copyright.PENANAtWctW9iF9u
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在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處,我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來,再也止不住。119Please respect copyright.PENANAqhrSzJ2fAE
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「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」119Please respect copyright.PENANAWIPUTbPesh
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「別傻、別傻!我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」119Please respect copyright.PENANAjyuAIFrpxD
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「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」119Please respect copyright.PENANACEQ7DLqoyS
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「阿顧,對不起。」119Please respect copyright.PENANA5x8a8uO9Sw
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「道歉有屁用!」119Please respect copyright.PENANA31THaX1iB6
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「既然你認為道歉無用,那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩,也請找我幫忙,我會盡力幫助你。」119Please respect copyright.PENANAn2SRePP8A5
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雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去,但我相信他:我清楚他的脾性,他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不,該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。119Please respect copyright.PENANAPbiscO4BXD
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如果我不是急需用錢,我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉;如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔,我早已將阿美趕出家門;如果我不是知道為人母親之責任,我多麼想就此棄下俊仔,展開更自由自在的新生活!119Please respect copyright.PENANA6AGdH7iBtV
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可惜,世界從沒如果,只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔,我就要必須對他負責——為了他,我不得不向現實低頭。119Please respect copyright.PENANAAxXayoSwqm
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「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願,卻沒奈何。119Please respect copyright.PENANAGxj7qtSBVq
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「好!等我好消息!」前夫笑得很燦爛,似是找到贖罪的方法,以後不需背負罵名。119Please respect copyright.PENANAO9cOrrg3wB
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我跟前夫揮手道別,然後慢步回家。119Please respect copyright.PENANA0jHmjqkKPi
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嗯……怎麼形容呢?平靜如水,所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過,因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西,甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的,散亂零落的。119Please respect copyright.PENANAHczXtay8bT
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忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了,亦不需解釋,反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習,也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團,自己亦不需向前夫求助……119Please respect copyright.PENANA5U7r73jSf5
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我淪落至此,自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……119Please respect copyright.PENANAmHNxg81Cgz
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既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇,也就是活該,也就沒甚麼好抱怨……119Please respect copyright.PENANA9mISZrPVP7
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我活該……我活該……我活該……119Please respect copyright.PENANAoT5BDjaR5s
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我如此催眠自己。119Please respect copyright.PENANAY5Solek4wd
註:此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規,煩請創挑主通知,願刪文配合。
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