最讓你難過的一件事 - 不介意

下班回家，淋浴。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68VZl4BmCb
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIDrx06cqk
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBV9POcgcz7
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihO4nSaExz
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9XsoS5q3M
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3xvqTO2FY
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0q4fnu9S9
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVW2koYfrRT
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYdnTB8y6G
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvX36SxMfO
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FK0LcOpa7
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2yluccWgq
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ECFIW7rXL
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQy9NxsCW06
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqVYBbSgxK
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUfDmCappk
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGGKl4rHxl
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3TBYZHC6Xd
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYotVDU9yQ
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyGJnWStIH
啪——啪——197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxLdF3LBl6
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EijmNXJbj
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacZoEncVf9
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCjy0yP84l
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJS45Yx7PAU
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqXiuEpHVl
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSpnq71dnS
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzjMZWyr4D
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XuSuevgAr
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmeelnobeL
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl8cVb9yUNb
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzFc4JoyUF
算了吧。沒所謂。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsfZQ3Y8ak
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoDFNXQZ9Af
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYYYJenCvR
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkEIHPWMYK
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLhkLp2Xbz
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFST0OgIn9
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtc2s2gDd8N
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXvfyyls1T
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgyd1KcE3G
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3m7FORIhm
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD34QhM2f0Y
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfs1ZVlaCv
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZlDnuT05WR
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaCj4Scpw8B
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1QI97S8aL
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21phKcmPPS
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68nvA8t7vR
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80iXUVKuAa
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHONVGBrYZ
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPeniSOMuZ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvLQKUwyqM
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1bHOU33Fz
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXM3nYwF0V
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINcluqkb7b
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJBJ2bcPeb
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxKtt4sYKP
我頭也不回開門離家。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwmFzzORwkB
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPrY1381zIK
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Id3wMRc7v
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOK3A5k2VW
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIfKblGR3t
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBNuOESl4h
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCWZGkDvAI
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeHCtcchYKR
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV27iTV5e5Z
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18cKIZg7Ai
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeraAAQZDny
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe48n6v1w2r
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJQ8bV4CuC6
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Lwd9XthS6
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0oH039fA62
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdbhkKxESF
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJaQJx2yJBR
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZK1M69j5dh
「你不開心？」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZdjt2YLUC
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkpQCBg4Xg
「是的。但與你無關。」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVidl9HJXwN
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2m7iMrkb4
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24SrjxtBo5
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySKtZw6UX0
「還有菸嗎？」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmC8iYc3LP
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbARx3ziF5M
「有。」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡew9yaRLZr1
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwpkfLoUTUc
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KghjnNfzt
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVubqEP3RG
「俊仔還好嗎？」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AaWcyqZip
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHuTPnqhtp
「與你無關。」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6J2nDS89c
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8lcvYepP7
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkWpn65lB9
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhKM4Xm4g8
我幽幽一笑。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeharly3N6i
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vfHxlP34F
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQd91aE3I3
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwpRM8qLq3
「多少？我付！」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qrYlVCy3f
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2bCe8iQtSw
「五萬七千五百元。」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9AjLcuE1L
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6eFztBnMkO
「好！沒問題！小意思！」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCmXNnP2pz1
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3DqoptG5J
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmWc1bqv1p
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvQKZW3JBK
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9TBXu6YS3
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3prItihNG
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SQVXV4l09
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkeElaZIFC
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1d6EeLWWUR
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiWs7JqIYB
「阿顧，對不起。」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWQ3wvFCDV
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFU03fO1uq
「道歉有屁用！」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmyAGyqag0
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxSrYxc0eY
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrSXrYUddR
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfAyV8JkXVj
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfg5b9w3y9
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTJuYk5PtQ
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoLDrv26rg
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcS33bmpUD
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZhx5uLnINt
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu3h2ZFdxrn
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPgS9vsrV3
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxcuOV3X7f
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMyLYse8i1
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwg40ufuoYc
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3X0UVuhwON
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWqPByqEmu
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1CO3R3NIJ8
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DKRU6Ap5i
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLkK9rS5Uo
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlnEDLePFP
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKlHzF0ivo
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QDEGS0UCF
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFh4u97f1FD
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAwhzAHGPJ
我活該……我活該……我活該……197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLwMgOhtwsd
197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSy6Qu25zo
我如此催眠自己。197Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlt4566n9NU

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