最讓你難過的一件事 - 不介意

下班回家，淋浴。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfBLGcSwb8
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我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXCuJvLYdf
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今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHCv2NrDQD
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鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxla2EiPhp6
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1FMB1gwXQ
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUWmdUdXeRk
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沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrryh53r79S
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若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMSKYK2RYM
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2kQMOgE5L9
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDdriVHgia
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzByL28PNUD
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwHW6FO10B
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZ9mF5Ej1q
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJx94Zomv6
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啪——啪——227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo74aoQh8o0
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「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmIKBWw2k4
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWq72tmWCB3
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1oqQIY5qT
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「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡab0RCjcFef
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcAzJgXnDON
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhE16xk8Nmx
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIx6rCxvHE
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1y1gRn2iNC
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算了吧。沒所謂。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYpGrIdTi0
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我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrc4yyTlvRV
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該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcWW9KvkhL
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJDlFQzuyl
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXdXCPlTzCb
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPJ47gG7nw
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmiuqyksJl
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWaGYoVkyxZ
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHBVawN2Ki
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbkg7byauHF
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmvE77AESb
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46u6dXjsnd
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOm7P5mdw6q
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2bjwArXIkc
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv86od4tDcF
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「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuNTYxQGqX
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGHrP5Ja0l
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxHZiQXD0t
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfaE87SARqS
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡraLlbBFFkI
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUZkaeTz8Y
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpp8vOHdkg
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我頭也不回開門離家。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvPLweq6EW
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夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7oBuDGkDxM
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7hcs7lRLuC
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LqfAuVI6h
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這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4M97VHNebb
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTNUs7MgIsy
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hT4CRaF2o
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuAPVpyDC7
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0xxJzzUs8l
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnotwgM0rnI
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX61jfZaFE8
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUWN5bvn9d
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqKFAYd8dH
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBfXZeFKpx
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kxUqmwsM9
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNz887F3O63
「你不開心？」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1crDslpDM
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「是的。但與你無關。」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolX3wn5Kqp
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面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzzTQaHeV08
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「還有菸嗎？」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2x9wrJYMZs
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「有。」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6EkpaYfM5
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前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFJuSOvhcm
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5c3Bshn3e
「俊仔還好嗎？」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZjFCrvmQ5
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「與你無關。」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPedUmxt4Fv
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgytCEOQsVK
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFCrmybS7s
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我幽幽一笑。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyuf5fOHyJ
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「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUS1XADHBw
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「多少？我付！」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQo9vEtg5sQ
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「五萬七千五百元。」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHr1s36Aezg
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「好！沒問題！小意思！」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP867VwUdIo
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1B3O9nSx2j
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKCAEfKEll
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「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQ8pTZ7lGj
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ837gUBN2xk
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDw067VqBfX
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「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4RP8KEM2n
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「阿顧，對不起。」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlw6anC6oWg
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「道歉有屁用！」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8TNsginbc
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「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkSYMb1Srj
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡovfvjAFMsF
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6uoCu9s3S
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcuzYty7hEC
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyFtodi0mN9
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePHm8LNyY9
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkmrdxB7Jo
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJpvkzzDHF
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQKiISBtwU
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJorJD6Ibx
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiU1ntGxAfl
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我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5KQfqP9MA
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嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUsQc3gDonz
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忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusNuGy8j5R
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我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebRBWcshg5
227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1nOh0beMf
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUzu1Gmf3N
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我活該……我活該……我活該……227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIowIXyVeWq
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我如此催眠自己。227Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HLouvcWck

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