下班回家，淋浴。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOyMp2FV8m
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mE9sqwZEf
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWneh6GKSd
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecnOSRz0LE
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9G4PBzr45
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ20HaQRftNs
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnxxePSCcj
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHrWp4OsKC
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd50DcI4ewj
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XzzDm0dmV
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzeq2muaZA
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZVdvh0QOf
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXUSLGDdJTT
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HovMXxnsc
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9e6HBDacI
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeSoFjju7UQ
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAAp9EgNLls
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNivCwrEM8E
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5THIJMzkyT
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwYXM2pofC
啪——啪——276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkqjBt3dbj
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhBtSRbjyZE
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyybpuQA9rj
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡntSMXnegXx
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jWzNVx8Co
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt66AxQAHk9
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8xptboZB4
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8D5Gs2g5ww
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1luLFWYVT7
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKACVg2NCp
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Upzu1SFvh
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jdbRN8tkQ
算了吧。沒所謂。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXRyxefPB69
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡElpoxPxmUS
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqeQSQYp5r
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXya2g8GfU
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvgh2BxacjF
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEgAdmdtwoP
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Tw8iAo7zx
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiFCpZk2kV8
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoXV98bT3Td
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9TqQxxDzj4
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJ8UWye8B2
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNydnXfX36S
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeP6flxPH1l
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsSufjqV8kO
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjI6h5tqMly
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KmpknvlcO
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevmzgH9wAP
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWb0xZeAG3B
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV794qaeJ4D
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYMm3EAwf61
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPPiW9lp2o
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRI27gwf5E2
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxocOVidnD
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡinBQxazQuS
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7ooGXlpCJ
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3f7wzEivX
我頭也不回開門離家。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQJ16GUeo9
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSc6O5EXlD
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0BUA1wZg6w
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7uVABQ1rk
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvUqNQuLeO
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt81umBN1P5
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnQfvkaO6v
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRdyYQICrq
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6liGPn3chi
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7chtSGLOl
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgfXQkgzlHi
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWBVwnEsmi
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvR3pyD4s1
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡogLpghZdjE
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2GR9JiQN7
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIA4X0oFb5P
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BZ23Jkb6b
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3R4BExXwlS
「你不開心？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZ4ISXAmWq
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6wSJUfd9r
「是的。但與你無關。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1arEtzwCp7
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe7R0QRW3T4
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPKYNxw8Xh
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCT0SCX2cHO
「還有菸嗎？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiOtqR5ju8
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PpuX3ChVI
「有。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB54JkWs8Eo
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkdQKp0Seck
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbRX6YyUyA
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5reroVW9zL
「俊仔還好嗎？」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡny3RXnJ74a
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdS4gpjbeC7
「與你無關。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4FETV6f27
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrHg839iQS
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbbCwLYehM
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT5xxxcvPke
我幽幽一笑。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZ1QwjYjji
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMIF12hYRk
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qPHah8AGU
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTTOQdIYUM9
「多少？我付！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRRpR0u6nbe
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHeMmXBrjcl
「五萬七千五百元。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGTUojO3Hi
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSftBE8RwM
「好！沒問題！小意思！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5wk5ccxKo
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfFABWEAWf
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqWugdFbca
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32B5HUgSta
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNmhcyJfxu
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyXrK1uUJx
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTPNTOo4sx
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRxOp079jV
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDh78StcPUX
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCm7s6M8mPb
「阿顧，對不起。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD7IcN4OJLN
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqLE5XEgEk
「道歉有屁用！」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PPLKQarkd
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2b5PNPJtmZ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4hFiv6QLL
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qbeAIsYfO
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGZAlK0Nnd
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdd3nJVjyH
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafcM8CcG8O
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyggzbafezy
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFZcS5dj5I
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSQ5wipJxT
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cj9bUfWD1
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOekxhX9Nf7
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3RLJXr6jvq
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpWgWjfi9L
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0D7M8136T
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxn1AqgmgoV
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg5MP35Y21C
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PYzIOINla
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9ZEGVt0XT
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqrRi7Jgid
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEbtO8PIhW
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxr9WL1cHOt
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1aUcIHcIX
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN9hD3NuBbk
我活該……我活該……我活該……276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnwmxEvwF6
276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uX1UzAaHG
我如此催眠自己。276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsnVR47dit2
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.113da2
然後按「加至主畫面」