最讓你難過的一件事 - 不介意

下班回家，淋浴。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWFiOzuPQv
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTHw99RryO
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtCgKhgLiYv
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMi5rcL9eCI
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhMdGamXFS
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ537QxnR1NO
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwZI9Xhvax
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlYXhTxmDu
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFK66GO1fG
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDqAjeAoct
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGV2wUbI5ie
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLbQitz8KS
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8g7cJEenS
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADIFbaiLhT
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PIMmBzqkM
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5ijdiYcfa
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Pd7pBjESi
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZNQsEXi9b
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgoPHMctGrb
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMlILzaTMYd
啪——啪——298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡka0NxWPmDv
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAtfYTJ228
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmF9uohaft
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Ut3zg4Fwm
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWHpIl5uGt
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUCWmxRDWw
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyG45HX05wM
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRuaLYfr9M
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIeDZwdo8l
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxkkJKWDXq
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVutg4d0Ks9
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjksKhKFl5I
算了吧。沒所謂。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLoB4XbZly
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AjjzMTL2i
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7EFEq51gL
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylKpux1zBz
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB1hV2CVFca
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9auRn6obz
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbC99YUdB5l
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmUU0kZRaC
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhyN6VmmKrO
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZsrSeCZArl
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSBW9sLhT9
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMX5CQjskn
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJUczzf6vX
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoORgRI1Nfa
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqzO9lOTbv
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0euLT3XJcl
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb4cMakcyoG
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJSLAEKyZd
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33Ktj512o0
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcKpiztKdH6
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgkXLqF4ID
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKBGdeLy1K
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEF94t2Cuh9
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5pxStSpbU
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLUG6FnSpj
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYYAt77gAn
我頭也不回開門離家。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVg44c5Yvv
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡajl1UZQUIU
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQLnStET24
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6CBE1XfYt9
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWjJtPuhTm
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNFg1nCaRst
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2SwL3QcnY
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33O5C8YnRf
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzol4YZ4NCd
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgV8CDYNWNE
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQLWuNXUq2
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMskMyAtAbq
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vtzUfjXhL
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxDs67ggkg
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjSu62jtMB
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcic0BQrz4
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCb6jJlA91
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9R82roCjZ
「你不開心？」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3n6YLuv0lJ
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BhvzFp0ZV
「是的。但與你無關。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhA6NoqblW
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVWF8jomk8
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZkT6pbbcD
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTKosb3IjO
「還有菸嗎？」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7aobkhyTy
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLc6a4h427y
「有。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg787Ydk3vf
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNUTWypbfy7
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZufbymyjE
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgzsI1NplP
「俊仔還好嗎？」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAwThey4IZ
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvvejfaFzz
「與你無關。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNUcOHU3erN
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvje3PzAx8
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZy7qKMHv7a
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8ZekYmv0n
我幽幽一笑。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwhUYXj9t1
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVU6jPQKgqi
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekYKW8KKAb
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3Pj5g0x5O
「多少？我付！」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZDRof68tep
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd74ZL7Z5UY
「五萬七千五百元。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxSYbQWBvo
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBWKtiP2oS
「好！沒問題！小意思！」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkZOigGa1z
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2rdauF2Hdf
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGOzBGW0VGY
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmxJR3ejIWN
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqTcNubif8
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgQBEAHUgWu
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiR3ysEOaYU
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBx4zMEmW8p
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOeKjyjeYO8
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4rTXkIVt1
「阿顧，對不起。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67d77GjhDg
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3H8DZBTZb
「道歉有屁用！」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtH7NH8dJL
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFgIGjUrwk
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2TJEilyBez
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMoutn0YSt
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLxMZa9f7GJ
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOaEAbUqLS
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb2MWq3Xryb
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3u5g43fMdW
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡouBBCnfxdf
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgqxh1RYqO
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy3yhI77Vgg
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMx9O7sIo1
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGF6cI3Xtq9
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKkTVbiwvRt
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZbN7V1bTI
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzx0JvmY3R
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7St3e3nxzC
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhWoexRvDFQ
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKA2nE6IVW
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDeiQkbpxC
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvaXU7qqow
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJdJbWvxL6Y
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTl9JkCX6g
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAaT11Tcno
我活該……我活該……我活該……298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD853dyc1vf
298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT09wlIAEMi
我如此催眠自己。298Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kWZhfitcy

註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。

ns216.73.216.82da2

介面主題:

字體大小:

行距:

段距:

自動加載下一章