下班回家，淋浴。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9IwGxva8T
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx32XQL56eM
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXBbuQzG4E
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCXCFRxOh7
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNcIkX2fVs
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLF4KYX2tS3
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTm3K3w3tpC
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvCAnAOyRq
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMgUmxM6Ugv
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11nCx17WnD
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvx0N0gydV
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIwc9Yqqyk
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumZ3ZESCkM
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡinsOYeIS6A
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOk9CHTlxjE
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQEQtRurn7
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRAqvCBmcU
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFyHjOoBTk
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28P1xV44rf
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpsmxRmbWCb
啪——啪——191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzVFyN1nNT
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkici3RHOWA
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuvwLQIWb7
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvS2LVbtOI6
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFXaWaBhhM
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMoZ2xAKSOq
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU17Hi41C3Z
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWHXKZXYo8j
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7a3G4lsSV
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡanx7dWDNws
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZO7ByMKhjn
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhnQ7TV96w
算了吧。沒所謂。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1nSLAp6BI
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWkxzOTWgC
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkrzpAKPAnb
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVRW5mQuzGX
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtP5u7fFjIo
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ntWHMgxGg
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbYN8n5xW4
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC7JbBmKqHK
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hUFAwwYsr
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkdU08SfHgM
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvah6wn5uA7
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6zCXYregJ
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6mOnuzMaYN
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCoywIc3p6
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡro38rhJhRQ
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCDVSe0E3B5
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPBdwb9SF8
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUFYgZCWfe
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSW6RRUgv0s
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUf1L8IMTZ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTBpbXFQCq
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDuUlJGNtU
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35CBFJt85t
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDA1sWI0iI
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2jzOE9N1I
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmykcc6kLtG
我頭也不回開門離家。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCk2SXBIu3
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFG6u2zdncP
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuri5NVusX1
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fQD127lGl
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2U0XZMb1ye
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9o2j9IvNR5
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EDLaRHBnX
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ckJZiLeyp
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpTPglAKkG
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtCXow4mtGy
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhRbFFE8IQ
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyhi7tATxa
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WpqhIwMYk
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYDaQKN88E
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHUj6L9B9y
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihc8d41Wlx
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQxmA5vCsP
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUUwXzaxS2j
「你不開心？」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQx24YxTMP
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPCKD3I1hg
「是的。但與你無關。」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZs4oonAZmS
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFqoaGOp8Z
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcsgX3LfE9
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjR2MDLIlrc
「還有菸嗎？」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIedpP5DHpc
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhHpxdnnUb
「有。」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCzfhF9Buy
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZATUbI7nko
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf07aUivE1w
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHyna72I7s
「俊仔還好嗎？」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2s10HRedA
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrfWvjKEMua
「與你無關。」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡze5P9Z53Td
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsdnpaDoKqI
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtn5YxRmBf
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwu57BiXtEf
我幽幽一笑。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFdAU0Nu8fd
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1Lpkybipk
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfkFOiSbRlK
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddI0De3idX
「多少？我付！」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAEpeuBukpr
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLfAO6159x
「五萬七千五百元。」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgltiowQrt
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Yfe6fvUt0
「好！沒問題！小意思！」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdAwjDNKqJ
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnPGDORt9a
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Nz2mKuIjg
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXM2u881fyK
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgfo2ycBMB
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0uqG0320FY
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtLHYK5otl
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNscqg8Wuw
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2jog2PHavb
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRwSsecfWa
「阿顧，對不起。」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCwHb0DrSp
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrTwJ1MFNt
「道歉有屁用！」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXsB3vhCc5
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3LrxLGz787
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO57mYHQztH
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorSRlGJxjK
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0C8npHexqT
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj22f9VwioU
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4JZQENoyX
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCT4A4mB60S
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYMkpYg1ZvB
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sTauwI6Ux
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9YILtp1xZ
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGRHe0h8u6
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9hPdEmMYG
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivYiKpDsar
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfuz1ojuMgn
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVRPOWDVmj
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSDTYSmyIig
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05jEqfoIaV
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmbxNqxO9E8
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYt5cFu96r
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pGcb4fR4s
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rARcDzr6F
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WkfGCSOAc
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0f2RGlii97
我活該……我活該……我活該……191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5Pk3t7cdI
191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp8v3f8aopD
我如此催眠自己。191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCERQOWgoC
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns18.117.154.75da2
然後按「加至主畫面」