下班回家，淋浴。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5aphcQoA6j
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0hDEvXqeg
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQK6zXnuFF
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2cnVcWi2o
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxITH0k6UU
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnHFX6bMAD
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DGiJpAo2A
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5dFfG2SGO
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVsCkRfGeT
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCUbDgXuFt
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnbx2enU6PD
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0PUM9lnfl
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqP1B1JgKK
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXHerHB3yR
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwuk3iFFlJ
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQA3zpxqE9
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡreQxVUm7lp
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukTvOhGgo6
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ137iDxZf0l
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuO9IA83YO
啪——啪——476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPsV6rYHPHg
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jbuZcIoib
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqi8N7Ii0k
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtj8HN2IpGZ
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWbMAyDQIQ
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DTPkT4non
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rlayUKAeu
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2e9dEZIavZ
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGaTI7Ea5LB
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQIiUdWza2
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkgEny0VCt
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkEQYRlrAm
算了吧。沒所謂。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMSS9J5pAU
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWGSGr4vcm
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HlrbLn4pk
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfecE4yFC1Q
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL64XDxDONa
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43Z0AjmpjN
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMvMC5M3XTR
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpuvnqRZSGr
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddr80wPVtG
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8L4OnmuTu
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbClxfB7Do
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzn6eMCaf28
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSWbLJsdLIB
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLRIrrjy3Kg
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsbzymjfe3e
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCle4hE8Mh4
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFanpXPTfb
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTIUnWKq9o
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRzgqBKeKoi
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49iwJZt1rM
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjpFdzutij
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxIukfQECx
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOF6wlaC0A3
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9QuNMMDz2
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCWNvu58Hu
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeW082CTev
我頭也不回開門離家。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMoAhwZHUuZ
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRQ3xUMwHg
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHghSjTSnwo
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89b4qx2heY
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwOS68hjtjP
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡllBxF1UXXW
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxU9QmhPME
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWfEqJbrL7H
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJGGtlvIaC
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1135p7oeMe
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDHOQGFdLbL
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhfbcB0l78
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXLl2aX2Xg
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡriBFnfXRvW
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnj54GiANd
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQS83RQssUQ
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubSgrjDGh3
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHR28BmzF6r
「你不開心？」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OnUs21zt8
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HAQPwMxLn
「是的。但與你無關。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlTIkByuQc
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvBh0K4bQo
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoKdZ7Y50yv
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKIoRWJWn5
「還有菸嗎？」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa1ZV6d4aOu
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVxljgz7Zc
「有。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgf9zUr53WG
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lP9TithZf
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJTc16MVdE
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwk8rqWIu6g
「俊仔還好嗎？」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKRmG6tZy3
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcY2xn4q98
「與你無關。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXTdKRGrrVi
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxconxg0bH
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7vRqlTaxS
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoqxB9c2O6
我幽幽一笑。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAKti6U4Qn
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfVXBdJYip
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvOpgyLOSkZ
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUO8wbEDLfH
「多少？我付！」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz61Gbjt7rK
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rdBGhdGWY
「五萬七千五百元。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCktcMhWJYx
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVzSZybKL2
「好！沒問題！小意思！」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufTyc6X0ip
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxrIMyPPF0
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnMnV3CAROs
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEScXMbstU8
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vrFhZSvRs
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6H7Ddyhgl
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGbtqQO9nW
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEpJkz2Y5Fd
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrRTe5IXZd9
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0md0y2ZDx2
「阿顧，對不起。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qqIBqxUc4
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTs0raIF8Z6
「道歉有屁用！」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWdf60ghaE
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqf7vDmAxCy
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFSsXijPjd
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWPMZyTi8s
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbwllg11P7
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkufVXD6UfM
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ746gWhmh4B
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUkDZbAdOH
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6W9vzMunGQ
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpmBzMdx7r
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46XcMI6gKC
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6s03tQ3cud
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYss4O7EYuu
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzQQQmXmCE
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGcPckC0hx8
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDLYhzT7jn
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmiwSKRj63
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxA6KP2kdg
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CtAnuutE8
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUo0Be4ppfP
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImRZGIy72g
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBbzHXkZkG
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAK5slAG5HB
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxN3I6VQEHx
我活該……我活該……我活該……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAzxWNDwfc
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7oqn6L7Iy
我如此催眠自己。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBaVGxylhV
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
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