下班回家，淋浴。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdENHF6ScIp
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9SlJPtYHY
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27t2UZ9s8m
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuy35dPm1IL
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrmxlBFosO
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0LTwZK7NA
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TmDNArJ5M
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4esCoe5BzE
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DuVAVHcCp
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerNcD7RDjF
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4uLvmTKUY
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxmd5LMpkw1
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5gQJSI4M3
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrRr1HHSqVg
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXM7rED0fJa
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhFn6rbvt2
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXNIKqRZba
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVh4ShcpmRl
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyiuoAih7rP
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZAFCm7Zyyk
啪——啪——216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrkNO1wVdQa
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8wgbYvSed
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQM5R6PyODv
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7NmwWX932
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVU58plMt7r
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBp9hOpLOP
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqr1GhtNoOa
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTAQcXxVXZ
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8WZUXJJwM
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLB0DC6WyN
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRS0FT13UwG
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPoU2QCBlR
算了吧。沒所謂。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZDaRGjkcaB
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡty1kuDzUF1
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3KkKJPf3WO
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0H9pwkMnb
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy8AEiyZpwo
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYDLDf0tl8
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsl26wy8y4
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mmTqXCYdg
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQ2xF95mQY
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpZf4fG28I
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPAMSOQfNpH
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwxveHgWbK
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBf5getnzok
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LGrC12lAZ
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4sLUp2gSoq
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiwaQ4uFKA
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8FHwxMGEq9
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8D7viTyY2
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNcHdV3yGqS
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Hvnmj5BXW
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkIYWhoJFZ
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXorF8zr9u9
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueKIfD5lfK
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJuT13Wxf2
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnUpD7JYiRi
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUB0lpOP5U0
我頭也不回開門離家。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTdWCUFnbv
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFxRaWkgL0w
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kpYJwJfdr
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9cMltZHil
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4lXIfspxA
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWiHh5SY1F
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjCRxFGkU0
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ524TnZLCk8
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4V52GIOL8e
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5XSxAB77FI
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5g3ch5D8Ad
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRt08DLEcv
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DfPigmE5M
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmIeLohCxwO
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOCtb5NYIT
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwVTxwgSbV
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡepV5pVX15d
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZRAfAFfG8
「你不開心？」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkffu48HqC
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdp3hRKrH1v
「是的。但與你無關。」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHlRduW84eX
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFUPM7hEVL
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTDABN8Sni
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgaay97aqu
「還有菸嗎？」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GFd4oGW7G
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FN1YrFuQJ
「有。」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVOAd8LUpB
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoa4aPtJR3Y
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZc5XRgY7U6
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfC1hwXVQg
「俊仔還好嗎？」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2VTUZ2nLL
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgrqncmjzK
「與你無關。」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfPky1Bu1g
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGMTbTy2ng
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9WliCILNv
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHpE8hnSgxB
我幽幽一笑。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7LrrtKF0n
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2j5zflIRgo
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOpa0iO72Y
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtqwv2lqjH
「多少？我付！」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9AUKotwtF
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQZLb2WIHGR
「五萬七千五百元。」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoiyD3OmiAe
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPJjsMpGcJ
「好！沒問題！小意思！」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxQkWeSrwty
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgskKbZ1M0
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKASVGw0iQ
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9p6Mhqo6bL
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79cxlkTUO0
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscu8HdbQfQ
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmI9CkjdVEt
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcTWbzA6xZ
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7n41e6PUS
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb83PzfQ5T8
「阿顧，對不起。」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhUlkOMQ3R
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgbuiXr2qqP
「道歉有屁用！」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqIibWuclq
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3lCLVe95v
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0bsJpFDvY
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzgfd4GX3d
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPTw8DlkPKn
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrkaud50GP
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeiMxpAnAs
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNPYccYdjU
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSNOEwh4CE
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFplePXu9j
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBXmiFK5Lb
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEZ3BhRPlx
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3ldtIqKeg
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ242YM1Lg8s
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZuXCZlANx
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXxDf2K7DoB
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj4egfKMJOS
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5rviSMaOQd
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡppay5Hzf3j
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrnV8PUl7s
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHSrmKoVmj
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgO40CGjnd
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOR55sJjbg
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡytkLBnRNab
我活該……我活該……我活該……216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yFhMmz1Um
216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnVR5vd4J2
我如此催眠自己。216Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarBuiYKAS6
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns3.22.79.2da2
and then Add to home screen.