下班回家，淋浴。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBdvPMSpS3
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDtKHTbfLf
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxauIMgpHbG
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6rpN6kYH8
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnp3MKn1GAh
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXVsPGuJoW
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ07PxzZRkw
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDwrLUeC2Ro
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYR5NwM7R7s
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHnZWnmfuo
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNxN7d2ALV
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XpZEATz44
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmuIJPq7LJ
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl99jffWxe1
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeOtKQRtkLL
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1KzUlMSZQL
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX9e7fAOjUc
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFloPf2S09
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ0LXxrgD8t
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hEAmtCrAT
啪——啪——113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8UkuoOmV9c
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJqutSAWOpx
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqVCFgj7qV
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOiPi0cOXe
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcCGbp25r0
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOuDWEf1UR
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDJckdUvFV
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDZEA7B5mM
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY17mAV2YN5
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglrlNVuu0L
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ09rAS3Xl1R
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXap0XPjHVz
算了吧。沒所謂。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtquX1sWPT
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmL1WBbaqC
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwT9d4wzwhk
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqInyAwtHvF
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjnFFkFwgrs
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl01FrWcTS0
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVE8vM0iBhL
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuZ4tHNb4mL
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUPTJASqdk
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2yRW1uJ56
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolPfDuJpX4
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmaDTUG7Jlq
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbY1YVkXbY
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc1cEJvGjUo
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5WdtEmPm29
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRA3jxhE4LD
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlGquGCP4va
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BkkunsQNG
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTKUwvaN2M
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1aZnWI9O1
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ12Em8o7h0
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPML1TpcopQ
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsqozUgZEw
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxSLUAosorL
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaAUOZkmv3q
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYE2oehqrp
我頭也不回開門離家。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡopt0GVew0M
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgbVASyZPP
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdNzjh5SL1
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjCn8csOLR
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtP4HAUSZla
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqoyDdRdvGa
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1qqlRuMKu
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsb8b6SexAK
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXMLXaIHEq
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OjlsnTBnB
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8uVLlAqT1f
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAnsO8M9zFn
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFhhYTZLRE
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdLQmaTUwZ
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgmbrtbEZr
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAaCV3XyfkT
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniftpFmEFK
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVi7uufQA10
「你不開心？」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12FlvObU22
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOLbrxmRGS
「是的。但與你無關。」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcCAVscQOx
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Z5kb9ph47
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTb2D65m7z
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0MHvam28o
「還有菸嗎？」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7qU7uwo9o
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWr5CUKUmWC
「有。」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCiNODJvlQ
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8RtYJKlri
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKm95fSlWU
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2qlvLNXIw
「俊仔還好嗎？」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQXp3TWCuK
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcbTXhcNMk
「與你無關。」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOVZ9K7fkb
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcsWhXFhxgB
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXXe5nes9nc
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBx0bGw9q0g
我幽幽一笑。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMcC5KwykZ
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbr7Dylxs5M
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2QtRpqg46
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlRu0Ua2Y0h
「多少？我付！」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92ckzJ70oY
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxnbDcP6EV9
「五萬七千五百元。」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8UUIfy01AD
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXUdXdMrTi
「好！沒問題！小意思！」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYw5grkyGa
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDpnjzAFda
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGGfjK8Qex
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXb5IQ9TYb
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2KCYfNvRk
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xmv4dcQkU
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRwv94mTip
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSisQy7HxrP
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF0Q8g48RZ3
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1dvEBAXhb
「阿顧，對不起。」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjl2gNZmlv0
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLyHD36g5V
「道歉有屁用！」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFdyv3Cw6TL
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSY74kyS8uc
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG6GV8SpOSZ
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPaw2CPidd
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAEiofpjU8e
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQZ8Qlau8dz
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw381UozKv3
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBosqA6AIT
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXd4K3B0ErU
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVrZhLsOB57
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtYSHBmETKO
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMGQqko2vn
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfh05nCN2w
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVKLxk4BWd
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwM8yIJZxbK
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV23t09OXZA
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9Lxxp6pcT
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhhQFxnG51
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39uErEYy2t
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHSNu2SfDk
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTLRm3stAQ
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwquA4G99gy
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEL9Ou1Pqac
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTZaXVJVNx
我活該……我活該……我活該……113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCbVfaTiB6
113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡftRyL8xDVN
我如此催眠自己。113Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZXW5SUfoH
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns 172.69.59.16da2
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