You cannot deny your origin, is part of what you are.
This is the story of three teenagers…
I’ve always had the strong belief that, in order to understand who you are, you must know your origin.34Please respect copyright.PENANAYA8OmWWtES
Ixane.
In my short life —you’ll see how short compared to my parents’—, I had never had to write a diary. So, I have no idea where to start.
Alright, I have spoken to Xadul about my idea and he encouraged me to be honest and to write here what I cannot tell you face to face.
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Ixane,
Eight have been the years that have passed since you arrived to change my life permanently. Please don’t get me wrong, I do not say this with a heavy heart, on the contrary, I feel joyful and blessed that you are my son.
I know that, in accord to the laws and the traditions of the Pimaatiltle, there is still time before you come of age. But I cannot stop thinking that, where I come from, at twelve, you would still be considered a child and not an adult —even more so at your eight years of age—.
I also know that throughout the years, the tribe —especially your grandmother— have gone to great lengths so that you and I don’t spend more than two weeks together in the same place, basically turning us into strangers. As a result, I have become part of the Lacnalo. And this I also do not say with a heavy heart, for between them I have found a place that has been denied to me before.
Heula and Xadul, whom you have met before but may not remember, have accommodated me temporarily in their home and it is thanks to Heula that I have decided to start this writing. I would prefer to do it face to face, but it has become impossible for me to get near you in the past few weeks. Thus, the other day that I arrived exhausted from one of my unsuccessful excursions into Pimaatiltle grounds to find you, she encouraged me to write you a letter, explaining everything.
The problem is… how do I start explaining everything that I have to confess to you?
Well, not confess, in the end, I have not done any wrongdoing (or so I believe). Although I have been bound to secrecy about my place of origin and every other detail of my life prior to meeting your mother.
I am unaware if you know but, since you were born, I have been avoided, ignored, and threatened by all the Pimaatiltle. Innocent as I was then, it hurt. Of course, it hurt! Being rejected always hurts.
And even though perhaps I expected it unconsciously and I never wanted to admit it, your grandmother (and the Council) has excluded me from every single decision regarding you and your wellbeing. However, what I did not expect was… that your mother would be silent about it.
Let me clarify that I am in no way blaming your mother for all that has happened. I too am at fault because I have never stood up for my rights as your father, and I have let everyone else decide for me. Cowardly of me, I know.
That is the reason I understand why the last time we saw each other, a couple of months ago, that you asked me energetically… ehm, no, actually, it was more of a demand than a question… Anyway, you asked me why I did not attend your Dline Xakea ceremony.
At that moment I couldn’t answer you because… well, the truth is, I didn’t know how to.
I could not try to explain to you the real reason without having to go into detail. And I am afraid that, since I did not say anything, I awakened a deep resentment within you. One that I always foresaw and that I feared.
Perhaps this is the best way to explain to you everything. Perhaps not. Being as it may, I have more than one reason to make this writing.
You may believe that I am trying to redeem myself in your eyes. I will not contradict you, though my deepest wish is for us to live together in the future. Without excuses, without threats.
So, firstly I must say that I was present at the ceremony, even when you did not see me.
I cannot describe to you how proud I was when I saw you standing in your green clothes amongst the other children your age. The attire highlighted your beautiful skin tone, and the wreath of flowers on top of your head complimented splendidly your tunic. Seeing your face so full of determination for the imminent situation of which now you are a part of, made me grin.
I know you were looking for me amongst the crowd, I could see you. And for the briefest of moments, we did look into each other’s eyes; I am certain you didn’t notice, but my grin extended beyond my ears when it happened. And my heart, filled with pride and satisfaction, broke when I could not approach you to congratulate you at the end of the ceremony. And since I could not share a meal with you.
I thought that your mother would step up and dine with you, but I was wrong. And seeing you there, completely alone… no one to share your meal with, no one even speaking to you or asking if you needed anything. It was disheartening.
That night I stayed and I watched you sleep. I took your hand and I consoled you every time you moaned in your dreams. However, I had to leave before dawn. I could not stay without trying to comfort you and I could not do that without breaking my promise…
It’s been years since I made that promise, and not a single day goes by that I don’t regret making it. Nonetheless, at the time I thought it was for the best. Silly!
The condition was that I would never say a single word to you. Well, if you want to be picky, I am not breaking the promise since I will not tell you… I will write it for you.
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Ixane, the day you were born I was ecstatic.
The moment you were put in my arms and I felt your warmth… I cannot describe accurately what I felt. It was a mixture of euphoria, pride, elation, apprehension, fear, panic, wanting to scream and jump up and down due to the happiness, wanting to hold you tight and never let you go.
Every gesture, every sound you made… everything touched me deeply and at the same time made me fear that I would never be able to prevent you from having feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, rejection, or sadness.
I did not want anyone or anything to erase that beautiful smile on your face.
But, like in every story, a fateful day arrived where our little family was threatened. I took your grandmother’s advice and we moved up north from the coast, where we lived peacefully among the Lacnalo for a couple of years.
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I’ll be honest, at first, I thought they would not accept me. Everyone feared me and tried to avoid me at all costs; however, the Loeoranga accepted me and I fitted perfectly amongst the rest of the tribe when I gave them some farming tricks.
As I started finding my place, your mother felt disconnected, so I suggested that we go visit her parents.
I saw how overjoyed your mother was to be back that as I was planning our return to the Lacnalo, your grandmother approached me and advised me to let you two stay a few more months. I did not hesitate.
Meanwhile, I returned to our dwelling up north. Even though I missed you like crazy, I held on to the idea that you two were happy and safe on the coast. Which, in turn, made me stay put instead of getting you two back to my side.
Some months later I received a letter from your grandmother, where she informed me that your mother had gone to Oronea —the land of the gods—, to commence her preparation; in view of the fact that she had decided to become the High Priestess of the Ticuntiltle temple.
During that time, you would remain under the care of the Council of Sages, who would educate and prepare you in such a manner that you would become your mother’s successor.
I know I have no right to oppose your mother fulfilling her dreams, but you… you were too young to be completely separated from your parents. Consequently, I traveled towards the Cliff at once and I asked, I demanded and I even begged your grandmother to allow me to take you with me.
Nothing worked.
Onku and the rest of the soldiers beat me up and abandoned me at the entrance of the neighboring town, alongside a scroll containing specific instructions from your grandmother.
I never saw nor read the message, for it was addressed to Foeodul (the Loeorang in charge at the time). I was informed that your mother was no longer my wife since she had accepted to serve Ticuntiltle in body and spirit, which required that she take an absolute celibacy vow. I was also told that you were to be confined until you were old enough to follow in her footsteps.
Additionally, I would not be able to see you except for a couple of weeks each year (which your grandmother would settle) and that you would be taken to me because I was not allowed to set foot on their territory ever again.
Furthermore, I would have to keep everything to myself. Every single piece of information that they did not want you to know, such as my origin, the reason why we live apart, why I do not visit you, why your mother does not speak to you… And, in the end, this explains why a soldier is next to you every single minute of the day when you come to visit me. Pff!
Thusly, we find ourselves amid this conundrum.
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I know that there are many things that I have to tell you, that I want to explain to you so you can understand. I wish to finish this writing before it is time for you to come back to see me. I will do my utmost to conclude it.
For now, I will record the story that gave me origin.
I have pondered how I should start. Should I only list the things that happened? Should I just tell you about my parents and how I got here? Or, should I tell you everything, even all those events that are not intimately related to my procreation and my ultimate exile on these lands?
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Alright, I have spoken to Heula and Xadul, both have advised me to tell you whatever I deem necessary. Unhelpful advice, to say the least.
I believe the best way would be to depict to you all the stories that came together for me to be in this place at this moment in time. And I think the best way to do this would be writing it as if it were a tale since it does not go unnoticed to me that you are still a little boy who used to enjoy the fantastic stories that my kin used to tell you. Despite what the Pimaatiltle and their ‘departure ceremony’ might say.
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Hence, the next passages of this writing will inform you about the customs and habits of the land that gave me life. And yes, I will amuse myself a little trying to imagine exactly what every single person said as we go along. For as much as I know about everything that occurred, I will give myself some ‘artistic license’ regarding the dialogs I will pen.34Please respect copyright.PENANAGgEb1GZMm9
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For now, I will stop here since it is almost dawn and I need to tend to my little parcel. I am sure that I will know the best way to start when I get back.
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Rest my little one, wherever you are.34Please respect copyright.PENANAvLFbxbdh8T
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