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絕大多數的時候,我偏好一個人做園藝工作。404Please respect copyright.PENANAy2As40cC7k
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我喜歡一個人待在花園,邊做邊寧靜地沉浸於大自然之中。當然,我做園藝的時候也會思考些事情,這段寧靜的片刻我來說是一種享受。404Please respect copyright.PENANAZHzbunaaYl
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我本身喜歡上園藝的原因,是來自姆姆告訴過我們的一個比喻,我很喜歡那個比喻:如果要成為修道之人,或者當我們要開始靈修生活時,至尊陛下最多能做的只有除去一塊荒地上的雜亂野草,播下好種子。剩下的工作得由我們自己進行。我們必須盡心盡力當個好園丁,用心澆水,照顧好這些植物,使之成長並盛開,愉悅我們的上主。這樣一來,祂便會時常來到賞心悅目的花園中,而我們也因此從中得到喜悅。404Please respect copyright.PENANAF16FNiJL77
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一想到這,我便更加努力照料身旁的花園和菜園,豐富四周環境的同時也豐富自己的心靈,如此還能夠接近上主,這不是一舉數得嗎?404Please respect copyright.PENANArE0erMQq8g
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只不過,現在的我卻像是以翻整花園為目的,來逃避一個天大的煩惱。404Please respect copyright.PENANAxhcXx4yoDw
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「自己想要的東西......是嗎?」404Please respect copyright.PENANAG0T7H2hDc7
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以前生活在修道院的時候,我好像從未這麼煩惱過。404Please respect copyright.PENANAAYzmQddcXl
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每位修女都視之為己任,打苦鞭、守嚴齋、祈禱、抄寫經文等等,持續地向至尊陛下祈求。就這樣每天過著心靈充實的日子。404Please respect copyright.PENANAPgqOUVQ6Q1
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如今我每日不僅得和各種各樣誘惑對抗,還有個純真的小王子詢問我究竟想要什麼。我又不希望殘忍拒絕殿下的好意,真叫人苦惱吶。404Please respect copyright.PENANAXmfz4Q9VFB
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「唉......」404Please respect copyright.PENANAcpyoMyq7Yu
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我沉浸於雜亂的思緒中,漸漸停下手邊的翻土作業,感覺到汗水從額頭沿著臉頰滑落下來。我用手背抹去了汗水,然後輕嘆了一口氣。404Please respect copyright.PENANA1SNLwSMzW5
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明明只要當場拒絕獅族王子殿下的好意,並表示自己全心全意為至尊陛下奉獻就好;為什麼當時我卻沒有這麼做呢?404Please respect copyright.PENANAq2gfqZCG2O
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是由於殿下的語氣充滿真摯的純潔與無邪嗎?404Please respect copyright.PENANAcaIU7SneKA
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是由於殿下對待他人的時候總是膽大心細嗎?404Please respect copyright.PENANAgiWjytej6D
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「唉......」404Please respect copyright.PENANA6OcACGtYrx
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「海倫娜,妳怎麼在唉聲嘆氣的?」404Please respect copyright.PENANAPH5xGPsfOv
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就在此時,熟悉的桑音自我身後響起。404Please respect copyright.PENANA5yl5bxBmZP
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「奧絲雅,妳好呀。騎士團的鍛鍊結束了嗎?」404Please respect copyright.PENANAmMxONcCz32
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我轉過頭的時候勉強勾起嘴角露出微笑,但不是很成功。404Please respect copyright.PENANAleH7Ah4z5w
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「妳在煩惱些什麼嗎?」404Please respect copyright.PENANAT5V9eg27Nx
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奧絲雅馬上便察覺到我只是在強顏歡笑。404Please respect copyright.PENANAloRVU7Diex
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「不愧是奧絲雅,一下就被看出來了。」我苦笑。404Please respect copyright.PENANA53Xsg15dDT
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「該不會那隻毛茸茸的大貓咪強迫妳做討厭的事情了?還是他趁著暖床的時候對妳毛手毛腳?我去教訓他!」404Please respect copyright.PENANAL4bb4tR189
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「不用擔心。殿下是一位很紳士的人,他沒有對我做出失禮的事情。」404Please respect copyright.PENANArpfTKCsjR2
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經奧絲雅這麼提醒,我回想起來半夜時分我們倆常常會和殿下緊貼在一起(有幾次殿下還差點因奧絲雅奇差無比的睡姿抱得太緊而窒息!)。404Please respect copyright.PENANA82v5ZVpcUe
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半夢半醒之中,我感覺到殿下胯下的部位好像有點熱熱硬硬的凸起物…...算了,那應該是我的錯覺吧?404Please respect copyright.PENANA3mLDL1Qu3z
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畢竟那個部位又沒有任何東西。404Please respect copyright.PENANAOxTdWWZ6Gc
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「真的沒發生什麼事。」404Please respect copyright.PENANAdd6de8IU0B
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所以我決定暫時撇下這個疑惑。404Please respect copyright.PENANAP4pAZRYYWE
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「只是......殿下確實給我出了個難題。」404Please respect copyright.PENANAmPeyHWQWz4
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我對奧絲雅講述前幾天發生的事,其中也包括我找不到真心希望得到的事物。404Please respect copyright.PENANAjQ025xIsGb
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「畢竟妳總是那麼善良。」奧絲雅說:「像妳這麼忠貞的修女怎麼可能會有私慾呢?那隻小笨貓到底在問啥呀。」404Please respect copyright.PENANAHFbHqDOinF
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「呵呵,奧絲雅,我可沒如此高尚。像我這樣的小女子,軟弱又沒什麼剛毅可言。天主賜予恩寵引領我,如祂現在所做的,我認為已是對我莫大的恩典。」我補充道說:「再者,殿下也是一番好意嘛。」404Please respect copyright.PENANAhCHT6c5r6i
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「可是妳再繼續煩惱下去也不是辦法,妳體內會累積壞的體液喔,到時候生病的話可得不償失。」404Please respect copyright.PENANAwHKOapbOap
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「的確,假使積累太多黑膽汁(Black bile)的話,真會讓人感到抑鬱寡歡呢。」404Please respect copyright.PENANA9O9BsweXAk
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「我看妳最近一直忙著整理花園,要不偶爾也去做點其他事情,如何呢?」404Please respect copyright.PENANAkIZvD5yYgv
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「其他事情?」404Please respect copyright.PENANAv90FafOwgP
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「對呀,看是要出外走走散心或大口吃肉忘掉煩惱......啊,不好意思,妳身為赤足修院的修女要守齋戒。」404Please respect copyright.PENANAAVzKmAFYpg
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「散散心嗎......嗯,也許我真的不該為一個問題而過度鑽牛角尖,或許換個方法,換個角度來思考,才可以想的到解決之道呢」404Please respect copyright.PENANAUgkNhCSO1e
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「那麼要不要陪我去城外晃晃嘞?」奧絲雅很開心地問我。404Please respect copyright.PENANAYY3IzcJ3fj
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「下次吧。」我說:「我想要久違的讓自己清醒一下呢。也許是太久沒有做那件事,腦袋都有些不靈光了呢。」404Please respect copyright.PENANALt1eJZlJeH
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「哪件事?」404Please respect copyright.PENANAq5sGkW88ac
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「當然是足以叫人靈魂為之振奮,讓整個人都感覺通體舒暢、徹底清醒的一帖良方囉。它對於動腦袋思考可是很有幫助的唷,奧絲雅你也一起來試試吧!」404Please respect copyright.PENANAEfB7do6V9J
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「妳難道是指——」404Please respect copyright.PENANAIRKzXbrbF3
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我邊說邊雙手一拍,發出啪的清脆聲響。404Please respect copyright.PENANAtYBNjX1RYP
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「打.苦.鞭。」404Please respect copyright.PENANAVgCCFxadir
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咻——劈啪!404Please respect copyright.PENANAJ3xkYLJAza
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每當我單手往後一揮,空氣便會發出一聲呼嘯作響,隨即傳來的則是清脆的聲響。404Please respect copyright.PENANALsCOpEDkZQ
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咻——劈啪!404Please respect copyright.PENANApsp0AW30Pq
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每當綁了節的粗繩鞭抽打在我的後背上,我便感受到如同火燒且入骨的痛楚。404Please respect copyright.PENANAqjL5HH6unF
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咻——劈啪!404Please respect copyright.PENANAN23IVOlF1F
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此時此刻,我正獨自跪坐在〈白城〉城堡內的小聖堂內,一邊手持苦鞭鞭打自己,一邊靜默地禱告著。404Please respect copyright.PENANASyW4Ro1pmP
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我每一次都使勁全力揮舞苦鞭,都以極大力道鞭笞我的背部,盡可能為我的肉體帶來極大的痛楚感,並在這過程中驅逐一切貪念、困惑、慾望,以及最重要的——以自身受苦受難來救贖人類在世間的苦難,並且更接近至尊陛下。404Please respect copyright.PENANALZdqq2TVco
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咻——劈啪!404Please respect copyright.PENANAF9KaGIfqcy
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「哼嗯......」404Please respect copyright.PENANAyAlGrDJq71
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糟糕,我居然在打苦鞭時發出悶哼聲,難道是內心的專注力變得渙散嗎?404Please respect copyright.PENANAmm3EAd81Ys
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自從離開修道院後,我的人生便發生劇烈的改變。許許多多無法理解的事情一波接著一波襲來,讓我都快應付不來了——而這還是我自己造成的!404Please respect copyright.PENANAQIar8mOe4W
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姆姆曾說過,為了使我們這些羔羊的靈魂靠向自由和卓越的全德,需要非常刻苦的努力。但是,卻不能在短時間內修成。所以我和姊妹們以剛毅的心祈求苦難,或者,更精確地說,我們的至尊陛下賜予我們剛毅,願意為祂受苦,因為這是我們的渴望。404Please respect copyright.PENANA5jj8ToznP8
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可是一離開修道院後,我才發現世俗世界的苦難比想像中還要多,而這些都是姆姆過去極力避免我們所接觸的。我不怪她,因為這之中不只有苦難,還有各種各樣慾念在我周遭作崇並嘗試引誘我。404Please respect copyright.PENANASrT3fV2py3
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我深信這是至尊陛下給予我的一個巨大的考驗,比起待在封閉的修道院裡頭更能測試我對祂的忠誠......我難不成做了錯誤的決定嗎?404Please respect copyright.PENANAlpuMExrAAX
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不行不行,我得專心於打苦鞭才行,沉浸於疼痛的喜悅才是。404Please respect copyright.PENANASBewLm9T8X
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咻——劈啪!404Please respect copyright.PENANAj9jSnRyX2k
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只要鞭打得更用力......404Please respect copyright.PENANA0rU0Xya38m
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咻——劈啪!404Please respect copyright.PENANA5vhoWBAvDf
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讓身體更痛......404Please respect copyright.PENANA1bKdf6XJvI
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咻——劈啪!404Please respect copyright.PENANAyuOyVYbZIP
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就能夠忘卻一切......404Please respect copyright.PENANANZfRnxDgST
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咻——404Please respect copyright.PENANA2TrsgBdcJI
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突然間,苦鞭劃破空氣的聲音,為我的腦袋內帶來靈光一閃。404Please respect copyright.PENANALZ42HarrzK
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假使換個方式思考,眼前這個難題不就和離開修道院這件一模一樣嗎?當初居住於修道院內過著封閉的生活,確實是一種精進內心靈性的方式。但那只不過是閉上眼不去觀看外界的苦難罷了。404Please respect copyright.PENANAA4Mxfb9g18
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如果我試圖迴避殿下的這個問題,豈不是在封閉住心靈而不去正視問題嗎?如此一來它將纏著我不放,成為我內在與外在的苦痛與擾亂。404Please respect copyright.PENANA8PE9W8tZhC
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咻——劈啪!404Please respect copyright.PENANASLutIoWS4J
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再一次,苦鞭飛舞的聲響提醒我某個事物。404Please respect copyright.PENANA14spHxDUJQ
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沒有錯,只要找到真心想要的事物並告訴殿下,就能夠永遠解決問題!這並非滿足私慾,而是開拓更寬廣順暢的修道之路啊!404Please respect copyright.PENANAC4TPCFV7uc
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咻——劈啪!404Please respect copyright.PENANAgrQVhM2Fiw
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而那事物原本模糊的形象,彷彿在一次又一次的鞭笞更加清晰可見!404Please respect copyright.PENANAuwRQHE2yUl
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更多!更多!更多的苦鞭!