下班回家，淋浴。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn740jSLZWk
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4PBklIbG6
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡytGAOfcP7P
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDcMGyXRgC
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hCk16gqC5
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1qACjOb36M
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8A38pbxdJh
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeXbuLSCCG
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMNHP3hk97
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj4PpKw8Gvb
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64e9L4U8Um
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIq0ARLmZx
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Qd1XFsQdj
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfdPKxFNVf
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqru8T2SGmV
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFQSVRTibf
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShanj1WDqA
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5uzxkCtpoH
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGX2O86hwR
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0N8xK6FKoc
啪——啪——385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsMzQkbpU5
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHV9nn77kr3
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Wp2SNodKC
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9xFznJW2R
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzzrsB79Jo
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzuZrCk0cXd
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUk12djLGO
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HGR3UvCrX
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuin0oXGcV
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTNJWE2yP8
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilQ0zfx5YX
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzDeA44fca
算了吧。沒所謂。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGFC4fAJvR
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckIg0I9URy
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIPBPndkK5
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl0OJE5GA0q
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9OghhgxEs
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3VQtvDoyY
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8IxSSp87D
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhyjvnKAOBP
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKw6YJw9knC
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguEevyuOsN
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ogJbugVwW
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTW2jQuxW0
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUZoqVcWvQ
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQAf7nwzNh
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxkogYOACF
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk47cLT2Qd1
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYhMdO9lvb
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDuEUpFPSN
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuNFGSvrTh
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtRadZxSEg6
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZT7FzJvoGL
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgs8dTyTCAk
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoVASUbZr6h
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPi1Lhnhcd0
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNdurcGVGpu
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUrcQNuZQE
我頭也不回開門離家。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSP59xq4l51
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvvI40YqMj
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DzVVqNLQ3
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡinJGdLvA55
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4b4fpp1Lt
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndrTz9JToH
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0aidwDfmU
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdOzTSl8js
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjIkTTMuJo
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEgR34Wpad
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbEshIVOfth
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0frrSCPZAG
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcM0Z9fshcd
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTtoOLOZIr
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQeadS5JyUf
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2ZAbJYiKX
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYGmLTDknl
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6OMoLw2h9X
「你不開心？」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwho0zg0lFM
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3xPOCfB0w
「是的。但與你無關。」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6eVgdSlG2d
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEE1AGFPW1
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSz2Viqkss
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlnw4n0r9VL
「還有菸嗎？」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqTPtwZOAB
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQsY2yjt14
「有。」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPouhwyZj9q
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwJR3CQlRF
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVugvqdEd0
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7OIHkQZ8Pc
「俊仔還好嗎？」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmE2vOq6uiv
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7LJf54p7c
「與你無關。」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMzBviJoNF
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwwhYjDb4P
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUg2JvPmXMz
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0lU1p2SSRu
我幽幽一笑。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡox3SmwNdca
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCSAn4cZBU
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvgHhNdNZa
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3V93cOLTN8
「多少？我付！」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kw76AXzuk
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsc5JaNIcuG
「五萬七千五百元。」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtR9Rb2NqQ
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRButmwANe
「好！沒問題！小意思！」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡli0kBOjxRT
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8zkCkEwyH
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMun7fu3KvC
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLrFTvu28q
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfaHZBfFLmh
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlYcJLKaI2
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJaMS6TSr0
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKyVqZPJFh
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYBzovjJOC
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjdUjB4dFS
「阿顧，對不起。」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSybiMMbiQh
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMvoH73YOl
「道歉有屁用！」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhgU3o9oAf
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHrLI24CLN
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhNcmXrVYG
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0Vaa6Bgs1
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIL3gFg5AgG
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnffGBDUhJq
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJi1Wqc2O8
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxI0jgNJWk
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuaRJ0ov5nJ
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdoiusCAe6J
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9lBvU4VIM
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOta0dEOpU
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblB1cAP3Kq
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfYS54mTmT
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3GsDQ37LK
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBxkhHagiG
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPAi8PONj2
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBoVDkQyMJJ
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlPgr1mXKzb
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzISA1njpT
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzb6f8eG6A
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5gZJwJVPIm
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwU33txdoq
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbxQdbRbi9
我活該……我活該……我活該……385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsIlDpEQ8nA
385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrw86Tgp6hZ
我如此催眠自己。385Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAX2ChPM71J
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.143.18.255da2
然後按「加至主畫面」