下班回家，淋浴。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxbsfScnYS
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcZIOYxovP
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PkivrSFv9
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ16IsVPMVbx
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAW9OC07BVF
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9gVC9ZZ2iC
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKZKUKEOeR
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHVjwMsOPC
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpiOAXJChl
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWTpcUrC3Z
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbu4RGxUdRF
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZcSeqVB36
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9cLf8pJDrL
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsubNcrbVQx
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsmPtKNei5
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbAw6uTNqH
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pPsNZmap6
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMkHhIQ41I
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrpLq7Byxs
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpCdGRiu1S
啪——啪——464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPG7WARHBDD
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGJsLGjWPb
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHFiPovYKE
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlTY953tts8
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxndsHSzUMF
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijXmLGm8uW
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYqbdXAuGY8
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0idRW9orhH
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsqE4Q9hmr
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAPgwaz3Hm
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUll6YvuspL
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzMqYd3MRe
算了吧。沒所謂。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCP8ChP56h
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqECdmeWC7
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡemgmEzLvnx
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3ty8bk437
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZsydqD2lc
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ36uJ8K7Zaf
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9mlX11mpa
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNAj5KBzTz
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUbvuTd25N6
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx86V6fWRt7
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrbYwWsNPw
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKZc3UCo01
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7MOsgbwSa
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEDMVSgcJn
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAj8fd0EV1J
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQG6Ion1Pu
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrmhFBrCxo
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEydbPDBls8
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57RR0ELyej
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVmaO1gtYgw
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrawdytPpY
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Bf745xPfQ
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwWwavRg5N
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIRABhodgn
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi16oeGfWla
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mhp1F6N2p
我頭也不回開門離家。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡez3LYDwAlo
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKub36nfa4v
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLZfDsPfGR
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡelldp9fXBF
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMGxitRLI7
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhwHgBgRI3
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5dlVUt2qb
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4RS8pMUrU
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZe3Fw0EnyE
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aU4vrEzxL
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lqMk0Ru2n
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLDXbDzXTJ5
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMq67LCcYZD
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbkbwNCDJBs
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxN1Eduvn2b
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTNGrbiayA
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1V8h1teM3r
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcja3C0pM0u
「你不開心？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBj9tgWD9iP
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqKExddp4B
「是的。但與你無關。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPonKYQ36h
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWIK41OGIqt
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6G4x0Uotj
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCd1NDAAs0
「還有菸嗎？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqrYwy9ZSD
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPv6ndDXeIV
「有。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumdMtqtTTE
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJYvYnCrHn
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwrli8ZewS
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhEaxW1hb7
「俊仔還好嗎？」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7hdC6Z0KvJ
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vZuWynTZK
「與你無關。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6nQOHf4rfy
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyFgoRVq2j
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6MnoCN6lX5
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRr2HbKCMg
我幽幽一笑。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyc78h3Lguj
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTJI7Uxl9p
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuImr67Veno
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxIcpyj4bT
「多少？我付！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMqu9WDLYg
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzip83U9TyV
「五萬七千五百元。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7tKGAXqbYV
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWfehDsl23
「好！沒問題！小意思！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8w6TWxnAtG
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41gMa9dfgk
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7cwOSVdFsV
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLS9WX8vUE
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1T4ZqRh7M
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1SSzvC6Hrh
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡboWbscJwTu
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJx6rorLQ8N
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjE7RPlXKN
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1wCoqZSG1d
「阿顧，對不起。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlFOgCEdxK
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnSnoODAZS
「道歉有屁用！」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKvwt8qk0fq
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvqwF0irAIc
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPUzsNL4LSn
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8iX8A9o6U
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglPVzGuu56
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCxJvXN5dw
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsHYVDx4wa
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBNUpoLdTv1
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnl00aSi5CU
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZHEF38SGU
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkhWOpLQYo
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5tqs8L03W
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTDi0TXO7D
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEofVqs5sc5
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxx0GKATuGq
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKBtkiAUht2
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0U1rlNsYlw
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlsf3dYKG5h
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzANRJt53iH
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpxd26nrms
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVoeAcrXT4
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdetEHH6O5
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2GAHJOrob
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJyKNDYiEV
我活該……我活該……我活該……464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeKYsv4i2zp
464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNNhUW447p
我如此催眠自己。464Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJuDAfJlUo
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns216.73.216.224da2
然後按「加至主畫面」