下班回家，淋浴。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTnoDzC5aQ
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYH9r2OvLR
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiBNrjMDzd
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Z3lQUWUFT
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHagHmHwYUE
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6lAqt7aO8
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5f93hpvSMf
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnW9Z9GQJZx
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNEOwaz2Ue
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HmcSJNxpO
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFp1wDldNA
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDurag25WH
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9KxhGVIiPZ
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEun48CgVlC
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CXRGtdgmW
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbpMJUhIuV
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBDgSEPoaB
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7ZvkXqAfP
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxyFb59UWc
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqhxF3X2sM
啪——啪——642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmrA2cPrR4
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQV5oCFWbM
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOJVdHMcqW
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcIwiYSWfd
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB1lkW1XvMe
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQN5aRv4ND1
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm78mXg8nVQ
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQV4CkND7i
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ADuyqNqWw
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6wBeLeXbO
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YUdcMA9N1
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QNNTx7xWQ
算了吧。沒所謂。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiX7Nt7Jn6q
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1KMO42jr9
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3iaL0J5fd
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiis5kIX1jw
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjuLXUnwwpA
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBiRiOwVWUJ
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUX00eyNvj
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOwk3xyqeo
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMugYG7xvF
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVBoMSaxhAh
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4H88SIonSm
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9ojKF6bTb
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOVkMQNXw5
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4C5sKMpuT
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPcEoGPbJI
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIeWTuxSl6y
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVHlHKknxP
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPeakXBrptp
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarz56N67ng
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzMHl12BDu
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxLrZ8jB7H
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlRAFHJma8
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLnacHLKR7
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQxKRTX7s5
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVmMlzna9Y
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw19Rr5T7Fm
我頭也不回開門離家。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PM4jJ4p6Q
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx1rU6JXLWg
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRddhGtO5W
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxOT422SKV
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4KMvBtLMA
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8KPJoJGMg
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tSM3rJUhq
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTIRRYYOQIM
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQwAyoWpvT
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBOjEhvS4x
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1gFFPCAA0
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4pud19k9y
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVM6bmDUTse
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk56BHhBK2s
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9RQhEZQzSJ
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3OQfRouQX
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHe4mQRxpyI
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnbmkPBRQxX
「你不開心？」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxRb4ksEci
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcGtkMSk2Q
「是的。但與你無關。」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiH4TBsUOe
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOcno3BdmF
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0BanPhvH51
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkM24i7WOXo
「還有菸嗎？」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsklNUVQwdD
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrze2En4T6y
「有。」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGuQifP5sqR
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdayal0Z80
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZp4aSQINyL
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3chc2FTXL
「俊仔還好嗎？」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmUTGgyWWi
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwL4wPLKoqN
「與你無關。」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsalj4cI5Np
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrscd2JbpbH
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjF4EZNa0g
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQw6UKxauQi
我幽幽一笑。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jDRbiyeup
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWSTDFD3Li
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDsCBKMdk2
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhmQSLfdeg
「多少？我付！」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9N0Y14aIc
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbg6JaHqeTE
「五萬七千五百元。」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmc7vR80yu
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0iENijcjrK
「好！沒問題！小意思！」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxDHLZkZhJ
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0WVyq3qPW
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrjiuZGrJi
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEzgtyjwEnC
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZeYB4X7GI
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaE7CksszEo
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRoPeI7izlb
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUSWGDEEE1
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx45sY6tC72
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxmlfoPOeyq
「阿顧，對不起。」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAOnO3LM8H
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bfu6WnEru
「道歉有屁用！」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJz4RgdxZws
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUf5tpcTtB
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYRvOIgoqWW
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYwZHUJr5v
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxV4nQ48nkU
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjhOHvdpjJ
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPx8SOnRDF7
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEDcvdtYb2
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEv5igkdjV5
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdW0uwnoiEV
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWJKp72fTT
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvPfCY4n0M
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2PiHNE6DF
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQFBQ6aogU
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bl7nU9Jph
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkJGel2XuZ
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmS3dmIkr9O
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PXCczZnLF
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxyqx4rs9K
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf5Za2txoHw
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48rj8wEcdV
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZg31Cc2ND8
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3m83uowpqQ
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhap2pzXN5
我活該……我活該……我活該……642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphVM6IBUTv
642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIzOtYzBca
我如此催眠自己。642Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpIHlFkIe3v
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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