下班回家，淋浴。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAm7pnQlBr
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDNf6JzsbG
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvvdRlzD5u
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ZHTdHqYqU
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMO7F6keeT5
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUtkJ01MXN
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HOIsfdKLZ
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0RIKv3OBl
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWT4kxsRa7a
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsRNN2WiB8
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVDxed4Q2f
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5BIVwxWz1R
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrZptxKAOI
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIUdY6B99t
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUBrJ7qHhe
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNyxveHg2YS
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7zM8phf1y
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOpRHyjf1y
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7HSZufpiO
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMKpyF6bRz
啪——啪——641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY0xWfeyXrS
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdOoCTOe2W
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGApSttq5xk
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFdqQISztT2
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1MrBsXbBh8
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4AxhXO2iop
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjiYLZectWl
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCGYfWSeZR
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv4YJ52JKTR
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThR9pkm3wD
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvor4jBT6Xd
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjgqnjSNSe
算了吧。沒所謂。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDuf5P7hnpc
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi4KXlQtwks
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJg8SXWzvug
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVXwF3Mm2sI
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4ZJB94GqL
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Hy5m43oaU
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxiQRLkmbG
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQR5cKYsOEI
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qdId0XdbP
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKZBS7nl6M
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCEVb0abKlE
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8YY912zWx
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFipYsqbolI
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhDDNbwC9KK
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXJ74JbqIk
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJlnjbD0v6W
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5ARf6bf0U
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxMAYaxXGW
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbibxLQ0e8
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8eWDnU3twV
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzKoYoZGIMo
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt45vhKxGN7
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡViR8Lg2CXo
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMgW7B0qQE
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xFAIVL2Rg
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFfvzYjFv2
我頭也不回開門離家。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyiD70bSN3J
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpZsLnLZl7
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqfYmjaX9k
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLHeNSFogi
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhg4ntM1tde
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4ncqt5l53
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6Umq3sXOB
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6eRh1rUxDr
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXL0vhYvkdF
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9dfur9eiv2
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJx3sFvfKW7
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiPrDjAzFJ
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMkZPSKLSC
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcII5MKaYQu
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdQwC0ofSA
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGsQs9KXuP7
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnR9TPaV2Lj
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOad6SKgH7
「你不開心？」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2qGfmEEEs
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgvAau2Eid
「是的。但與你無關。」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnUV2fhYwYw
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqIByvQ11i
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhA586rtgP0
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpY9xNJX5k
「還有菸嗎？」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeubzRWMC84
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lK3QinIzJ
「有。」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJShXvGn0iA
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡisMaL7O4Xf
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHmjxeBXjh
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOz7legYhGR
「俊仔還好嗎？」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBy4coqr0T
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyAQntqyTJ
「與你無關。」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKY8ULEUUk
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFta3K2CJAe
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8qiOQSBUg
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5nlRGsuoG
我幽幽一笑。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0NMaRR7Uvh
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWrGkgCEwd
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfGn81wbqG
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicXe9WNmwq
「多少？我付！」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyohYSsr4K
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡycwq09dKlW
「五萬七千五百元。」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVolghyMOpn
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVNtlh7jzz9
「好！沒問題！小意思！」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzK7BmYhSrt
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WjKiqszdQ
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ172vOEkjqj
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuC97v1Xt56
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYz40CwnnwZ
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMDVHPiy0r
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglg9CVG7XW
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKnkilRFML
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjG49VsNom
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo49TclN8pd
「阿顧，對不起。」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdX77Tj5RL7
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7r8QNyf6IV
「道歉有屁用！」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmvIw7jvZB
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWntW0fCFPj
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcQtfW2xp1
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXD1IqVRSpa
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3eFAelyaZK
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyIK6FgqHv
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZO6O7hNqH
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEgWkhWiOG
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSpPYcgo6G
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PSYvt122m
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5h96gAjYnH
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZtExqsPmA
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNh5gHuHGX
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGbtXVKGkJ
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2j8UCZrGr
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7mu3h93cg
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSUfoR8tQL
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfOeUjfJotS
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKPPiY9zpr
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1yt8fflme
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjOhEIq75gW
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡppl50CZ8fs
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUy9DkkwG4U
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUbHacIVE3
我活該……我活該……我活該……641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tmpNlK6IN
641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP26NXZ1ixI
我如此催眠自己。641Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyK0xsX0YT
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns216.73.217.14da2
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