下班回家，淋浴。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXSVMsvoYC
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNl7cJtFCx
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ022RPnt9K6
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nY60Jrtt6
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnXbqM01Ob
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG02VQzeNxD
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjODG5ES4E
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMbfMAaMbZ
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaew07aQdnl
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzbRZHVlmB
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJDugIlk3v
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTaT3bBB99
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhA8zdiabhG
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVi8VPUUiO4
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFekGrhG9vy
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXdr3ibNT7
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNSC2dEIZck
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuEZRtInwO
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqp7i1qbNB
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkRlCRlPlQ
啪——啪——382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLtakRUs6NQ
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrFnulyYGq
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusP7dJ427g
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjS6bpd86rE
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAFwFCPE79
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbcxSMyc0h
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJiLOpqIdd
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEO3o08b96z
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM4LuAwa9Z8
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKolRwqHzxe
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDod1d8q1K
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zjdunonLQ
算了吧。沒所謂。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7frkReABR
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFkMIPJKvU
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7LWiwJ48hN
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxD0NY0SRU
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVs6apVthD
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CNaQJHIhI
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9H3wvcimg
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnl7H3fbB4
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHBBWpCxpPc
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3elf4NaaL
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvbbgFqKjL
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgQUGdrmn02
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PVqq0biId
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡisP1Qxnwn5
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpnPOJ1ac5
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZlZpGSDPiN
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcf2BnNt8sP
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DCopgvpRt
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5RqldGikso
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhwjnoJ0MJ0
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5KA8TJbdY
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxSpKScfcb
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFutBXwHlW
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHbzgh3bwe
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikz6dBbVXJ
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Na3GNkuzG
我頭也不回開門離家。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxplrkvQ65
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15Mp9jvSky
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKepZOliSWM
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35sNnK9bX0
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPthjX9bjZi
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwK1vPNmVZk
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQQs6Xi71D
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF611p8PoR5
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7be3UxHTH
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNrui110Td
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPcqcEuD4z
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn4p9ouIPuS
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xYf7Cftro
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mvxzBjqBm
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhajUGzl6C
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxQlqRodnL
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhcdvHgB6P
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxrCDc76M3
「你不開心？」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zyDGiEJDA
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaP1anO36lo
「是的。但與你無關。」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFr5fsxkrs5
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwUAG6ui8P
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ064SVCM9HZ
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nFQ63Peq1
「還有菸嗎？」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJe4cOSzex
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yoiLtze2C
「有。」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfF4UcFpiy
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8UEOkNy8f
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QvUITHWAl
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXXVMgjuq1
「俊仔還好嗎？」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡziXKkexVTc
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3vEITgGdb
「與你無關。」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7wBqRUYxc
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTWBlKX8vO
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHtbHkgmdZ
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYbFm5mCkO
我幽幽一笑。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtGCpIAa2r
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9mj2dLvTr
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAK5lKqRX9Z
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAnOdziEvPi
「多少？我付！」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXINliqHc7
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY1B5JFPiAP
「五萬七千五百元。」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgCOggGa6K
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QHMszZ2Xg
「好！沒問題！小意思！」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNcnA4H8EL
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadhrHLp5vT
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ08eUph9u18
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JUiT0KS4t
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsaVxt1ruBN
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoJMD2kv6b
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgoomP54VMM
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93zEoBnMpr
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqp15i2aefv
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTIzf7h7oJq
「阿顧，對不起。」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7fpC7w6LE
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6ZcDy6QkN
「道歉有屁用！」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDsgNgsr1n
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLxWSlei717
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yryxXj8kq
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pOLYxemF9
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXe1JvvKYD
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPYSKzs6DdP
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5omNRblvA
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bQ2EkTqxq
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZartTxx5cF
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEeSSpdHHy
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekglxhf6JN
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPmykB3BvC
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdg4cDNCms
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxo3vXYs6E
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zAH2z2msa
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYgEuTjcaJ
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPxf39nukO6
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVyuj3CRmt
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03H8tIxTq8
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfi8dFBE2kq
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7upqhWouW
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqNPn3Gl2Y
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3KyJ1snfYt
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEtW4vgzYt
我活該……我活該……我活該……382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcS0zL7pJs
382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRH8mxbYU9x
我如此催眠自己。382Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9mqg3jp1H
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.19.239.4da2
然後按「加至主畫面」