下班回家，淋浴。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMW41TGlf4r
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRa3LPLtWXz
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSYBBWPYym
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtqEPmBnK0U
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxkmYK2k0KX
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvw7jgEbeGO
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfboB9MqikT
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAYW1LKZ3P
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMpuUWYY7B
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv4y2GIsZsX
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48UmYcyY8W
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3ydUAyu98
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUKEoCODoE
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQnJdx85Xt
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASSvcIOjZ7
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2kPAiZ7jK
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonbCdFNlVY
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxueaJ7FuPY
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVDCR1pFX5
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiIs8yStW2
啪——啪——461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14BoqvQERH
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8ukIIzmux
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpI2MCQoM7v
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRR339uc9m
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDQST7nRMv
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezxS6zpg4K
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhFCNhXA72
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzD1DPj673
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlyzNtDuIEH
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStIc6Fm8SM
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVFAdF9s78
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDXeVG0lMfZ
算了吧。沒所謂。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL825N6AYSZ
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJ4UJ9Er0i
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8wGDmc5cN
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVTlZtBd20V
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH4UFIMobAi
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESDu0TXWtP
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNq5kOGakH
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfGldZx5XF
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYhfuqw3L9
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnQwbntZBF
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbybc8gQCj
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLtio9kIeZ
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fq74CnTBO
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRGFkdHuOBt
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvoOEL9IVI
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5akuq6s4RJ
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOkG4ngbsK
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ82arvArYx
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0X3jxdd3mF
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡagn2BZUEmZ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFCmfbbjT3
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqrBc2FpAZ
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFQE2kogvE
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQc6KGsYZDO
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0GXVlWBNt
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6eOk1LmJCY
我頭也不回開門離家。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkJdoqrTZR
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDl4ZtyFmJ8
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIhVxE2QhX
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡugJ5ZAPihe
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUlcmCt0Bg
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrWYomKxDn
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5BKRQBQx9
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdQ72flWpo
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUq4Hb0rrqn
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NB3ryWQRt
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxPUxYuLwk
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJeuFuZ5zM
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIgrNyKeuGL
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhu8ui9sOT
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMefMmXk6lK
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwru22Gzuoq
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT06Or35GdC
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZxsaaRQSE
「你不開心？」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8kglpvY3B
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡERyeuOkmHr
「是的。但與你無關。」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUq7ZGSn56
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zPqHlOcLU
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYRQO2EbW9
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBL103QfpP
「還有菸嗎？」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xkFkAQbDf
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSoU2LJSLsM
「有。」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0bQ1zWdOr
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FDwdFPHaS
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvSF3uycZj
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡomaNHU24Mw
「俊仔還好嗎？」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBk9KuOv9O
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipL7s4iDsN
「與你無關。」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJ2q1vH2Hu
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjfvsYZJ71
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVqC8XcB6Vh
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjoP70L644
我幽幽一笑。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPm4WYPGi0
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTifRZch3G
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SGeMRkLaE
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZYPDoPffc
「多少？我付！」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPWYYDFIVb
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxkfwC312sM
「五萬七千五百元。」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCGniRO4eNl
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1yemQO7KF
「好！沒問題！小意思！」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgAAo50guJ
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg86ZCkyjeP
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdbogA2zxo
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhd73qZVzo
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNIjt4cjeC
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlrL6UaVl5
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAgKkaCEG4
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPTSuUDFCdA
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTTPcqTfDb
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ63IeRA3nTM
「阿顧，對不起。」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwCJTEvwSz3
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIT8yVR4TBw
「道歉有屁用！」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2pQlJALyr
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGZ3J2csm8
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9IuTkSs6j
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jUfuN7uyP
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAnFiIwQ8ET
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpimShh8zi
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpwWRVptfY
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxvHprbHgf
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqOQU1BZ2O
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMt0d29kVQ
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUL7v03G99
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpn0gda2mx0
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITK8hBwaUs
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUiCtXQjwc
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HMXr4n4y8
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRysxZ0Uh0
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRdKqApVx2
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxEK3TuAfl
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMNgaoTPBs
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwWHsyfLSR
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIBwWGi3Rs
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6lkyDJWNQ
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkKYaAc9Xf0
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNAZlfC8nw
我活該……我活該……我活該……461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWK6fwKIni
461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFbEKRa73O
我如此催眠自己。461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHT7YiDY85k
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns216.73.216.30da2
然後按「加至主畫面」