下班回家，淋浴。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLO0abILW8y
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdGwdSCxuF
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOCcgdjaog
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDA0oUQ6Mb5
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnkPL46llZ
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWiyB7NWmwW
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM0SCQkRR83
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjTjpXdecjS
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRMYMmLmtGT
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92NXK6BclX
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEfgN7fqnF
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkGYHNcwbl
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0cttKD7V5
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2QQi6kUnK
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVQVkaTRql
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWmHzOwvfv
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhenRiFtabk
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOL0Y66GzUV
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQF7w7htCH
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDgnklLtFh
啪——啪——417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ohWfhrCst
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1p8sS0WnEx
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPCI1hKMmn
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbagOCkaDU
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKXNXnLgw5
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzvV0Z8Hro
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4nQ9N7rIQ
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqb2AQQ1Twa
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtwehGIh8H
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfZNpGZmy6
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbgAJaPu7y
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6CUxgCR5x
算了吧。沒所謂。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4A1iE5pLGn
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuKBkVE3Kp
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQR76FIFUEL
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbqRBy7zA1
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaQdAeaqXJ
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3RERCYho5A
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAnmdcTainA
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0oDn0xv6kh
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf3NIju5AVe
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKz0a9MYjY
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozrvgtGOCY
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBngujTh6wn
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHUYcfZHkW
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1lsJpiRSB
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZ5DCgXuQW
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhBW13uedVs
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCZBEmYE0i
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGvCfZumrL
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6dGe1AC89
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFsUPIlFzD
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebNkfOOWww
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIg49968RPP
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3ueHfZPFH
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmt8Y7NLj7
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxigSDrkQeL
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDUhFau0sY
我頭也不回開門離家。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkkiJoAend
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9cRaB7wS8
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡojYvX9SRR7
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2o6rORyOK
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60vK3EMYfM
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡob149AlosP
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQEWgZUBxr
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA00IMo3Fas
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBS0uKrqfG6
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFevxFxCSkJ
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEDhJNbcwyb
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCIg1sTlDN
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHaR5qM1C8
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcBOmDTror
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrFqNEaiLm
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfcSICqequ
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJ4HQBUeJO
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4unaNckdH
「你不開心？」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNR8PKnvXT
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO65taDsTl1
「是的。但與你無關。」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDn7Hspx8d
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhd7yrobYDi
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OinfYpQEs
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UmjHdL4AN
「還有菸嗎？」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaHypz2mH6e
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVtTMzJd5R
「有。」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5k7HjaoebG
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCoJqoGjnm6
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGvXOnmPSPH
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDYGyiguZw
「俊仔還好嗎？」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolLNAeRL2k
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSnMVgqEQM
「與你無關。」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mMAvgLwN5
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMzOMn7a0KX
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLlNxPLGJv4
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQgYFXQa57
我幽幽一笑。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2sUv7YR02I
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwgNULatmpd
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4RAmve4pn
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52AAydkARx
「多少？我付！」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDg0qrZWnwk
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIuxVaTWQg
「五萬七千五百元。」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ137CXKLGUr
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOiBQtLP14
「好！沒問題！小意思！」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAordppiqG
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBh4DnaAw0n
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrbdm7V9bQ
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSQaGWOwC1
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2UGHKo8IMx
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuc9N1bNUo2
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeeOBLh3efW
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgeJnJRJG3
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9c7MW0h24
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSeOUvxv0A
「阿顧，對不起。」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tnmEio2RL
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Yt0Upcwqp
「道歉有屁用！」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsRC7dsgGht
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd36QEhbxO3
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvkT2f9hZfx
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUNqPY4TBX
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRgkd77YkM
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxx1OdLrvtn
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP11HODU8fn
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV6XwbF62gZ
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrqNEXbCXf
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMH4kGjghS
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJI1cCiOXC
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEt8QHEn8Yh
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnc5Y7KFZxH
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwy1lrhoxv
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtz1AvtdJ3
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEgbJecChm
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtGoDhzm2P
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZCBIsN9Uj
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwOMLBnoiO1
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZinCFoghx
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRemBV04zn
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirGoaQsJR1
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ276IZIfGVg
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LULgLNXqC
我活該……我活該……我活該……417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4cUmz9Oa6J
417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrTwhvWOegs
我如此催眠自己。417Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbDoyFf8yt
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.140.184.203da2
然後按「加至主畫面」