下班回家，淋浴。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2CTihJWyq
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzPaNXR9HV
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3uUH36HYq
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfmXxU4Ezr
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVgactrvvA8
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnZVuIUnnX
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXI6voT0X2
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAEDG7lpqXD
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhmyvHtrPa
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QoYO1ZEUx
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKxm4Xn02B
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGepUzEfwf
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHCMJbhaiP
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTi3RqP5D7I
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyECDBoo7am
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvRJ3WLsKfA
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lglnQGchz
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGU0JIguDe
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78YoLNt75R
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYk4NNP5Wt
啪——啪——480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0tw5hllZs
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhnUcUY7yij
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCDaSQlfvUa
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFB9dqeSdV
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg5bjyAobFJ
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5LgyXPPjHn
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDc00DFgTNf
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhF7Wpk2XI
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA17J714qJb
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnPywODFCzI
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgv74KJC2n
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYvrEHO3rU
算了吧。沒所謂。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSBCPaeC0X
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwFe9inWkQ
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMUphi9LTq
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUXJ5ZvvJL
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWvN1MqTqX
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOled8qDuC7
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZONXP9eTWt
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfP673gUEDp
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSoFhNRkRP
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8h1i2XyAsV
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2KQumidfi
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYahZc3HQHz
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEJewbXgft
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZELHPN0q3M
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9Dqn3d30Y
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWsBDpeyhT
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFfVgbCUIL
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hhzc5g2MJ
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NvsCU2FFH
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡagferVMNyn
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmJpNFGl9Z
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxO2nnrGLXd
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0eoGJr76d
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpYg53YH4oj
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEYMtu2WlH
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwdaoMfoQT
我頭也不回開門離家。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8g7OkNqyg
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZkiOcBsUVw
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRPXCNAYyz
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JBYncIHaC
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG2Ah5h2cYb
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7cUHY2z5qj
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2iYn4K96y
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFexwupoYc
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxZpSKEiuO
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hHyJ4i84h
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5lrI5FNzx
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVJZZiu5FCp
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxi0nQKXDNW
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNBygwwE10
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLw2WRgoFR
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnvbLd1sdU
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjObE6U38y
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡisaiaWVAez
「你不開心？」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFypXs9tXky
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKBYZA6Uk1
「是的。但與你無關。」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeP5XdocKPh
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJWfpHOWTY
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIiBOypuOYA
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJGQgXrpa6
「還有菸嗎？」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4FC12WmV6
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBgpqm9kLCN
「有。」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkF4wLqq2p
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKeqtxh1ha
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WumjiKQaa
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPCa4KVCs4E
「俊仔還好嗎？」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9Dcz5TG39
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCoJlLwzHS1
「與你無關。」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJ0ZS4CoXp
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSvFaDsHtW
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfi3ziiUH3N
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHXm7f9IVX
我幽幽一笑。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolBMVLxzuz
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpMPm5TWfEv
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWOMweP3nvD
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAiKHryiNse
「多少？我付！」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4AQyQcf5N
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWxqOP2pJs
「五萬七千五百元。」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynCk5qmsXA
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkK1qVWyG4
「好！沒問題！小意思！」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhX9VseDNG
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnINfxwTWOK
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJ43R0eVeT
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISaLKPBLBb
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gTe0Zj3G6
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGoQfeEqllF
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9XreTSFVA
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bAiqRI8QB
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡga4fHPnY7Y
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUzn58g2ED
「阿顧，對不起。」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCwG428b5p
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrXLBPsXfl
「道歉有屁用！」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISoCdWAO6t
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7015QVtFtl
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2apcShWFJ
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMqweaSQxy
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKT7l6jqK8
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDzsjPDR6N
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStZsODet6C
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy7txfEVuVV
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF443uNGAkt
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpmBdhg7m4R
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVj1bfaU9V
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6Pd206JYs
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yx8RpulAX
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1mLJGbrzb
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzqwMf3dld
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfHJVtyihm
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOEqsqSQVbm
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkEemhArqq
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTz0rg0KIf
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRRkjFVcD6
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxMSOjoyuX
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06ikMhCrur
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbsrpgRjg1
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdky41MKELu
我活該……我活該……我活該……480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHaO6acFeOo
480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGmwgUyjo5
我如此催眠自己。480Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxvYIcbnR7
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns216.73.216.113da2
然後按「加至主畫面」