下班回家，淋浴。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQbRFKUF0m
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH4b72rUvgR
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorGuLAwl6s
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMNmYB7Y4U
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3QgdbCAXQ
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBCrDCIvGR
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnuR3i5Gzn1
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgOlfHjWro
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0QzwYpDBT
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ywIcTxCzR
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXJd7wOiYr
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2lU7sekdD8
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAvZqcgkXc0
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0T7DnSm1Q
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgk58rHXsb9
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRtYvtSjJg4
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQsjYEjxZjT
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCPKDj9NQ7
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzEZTQEVkN
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13U95m7Dh4
啪——啪——264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyGgesdhvwl
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5a3KDQ7pc0
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH50s6ZLLWw
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy56EQA6XTG
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3FeD8gKuN
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWn1MUW9Ha
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6rHaX5k9J
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBjKe3gHXK3
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBIsuUgtfNX
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWsKIvYTSN
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpchHOszdxH
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwpqBibfyTE
算了吧。沒所謂。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6dwsrOHgK
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfeyiJysncE
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyLOq2M1teF
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9LW2hUGhX
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2ErSI4ifx
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbiKyxCRCJ3
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmo04yh5QOp
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKWG0Mhzbi
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNarTsSulOl
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡffcwZUBj9I
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAwZ3t5XtNh
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAIMRIAuhk
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtqi1c2V7o
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZUY7UESav
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8ajjebnfI
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9KHQiEN9Cr
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnsRln20pj
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdJuYZkWwP
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdot0eySlIj
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgstGwICIGO
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPeKfB2bh7
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6i2t1aDPQ6
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9lxZrSXMu
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLEZENcEoG
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnO90mGDd3U
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjaw4X4EqAV
我頭也不回開門離家。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EtDjEWmlf
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzn3DI1Zrs
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP75888Mns6
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjNYs0gkbMY
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1mjk2hvED
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjMGwfwCBy
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK0HRqBKhLF
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybOUA5ZTUJ
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcuBkWVoONi
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7dTso7noO
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1O31hIT40b
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr5e9FQ3UI4
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNY4RgfvU7
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGiJY4H79L
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5U1BDaws6E
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYbW2WthW6
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi0yiImmmu4
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO041iI6Zig
「你不開心？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2zBsbh6JS
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlfEu7ZM5EU
「是的。但與你無關。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Sk3xAYg86
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptKQZzdhPy
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5zbQ5ZcIbf
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡse29njOSoc
「還有菸嗎？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDatjgFKbN
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「有。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CX95DFqO7
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前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhHjvHh1f46
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6gmOslNfa
「俊仔還好嗎？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvnhxU07WmJ
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHA0gKLY6D
「與你無關。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLCvRMgL7CL
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwKFU4GW4a
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINYLqOgoGQ
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNpbf0jYda
我幽幽一笑。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1g5jAiOTI
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJB7UI09wu7
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqn4OWkj4w
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhzDtdTOfMY
「多少？我付！」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAmXgh9dSr
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRILLb2Pxdm
「五萬七千五百元。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGsQZ7XZad
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpmlPOUXwFw
「好！沒問題！小意思！」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrDM7jQaCY
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENmF4GTLXD
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwl17ABoaVB
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5nsjQxo5yo
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbNEgqZt6e
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNAnkKpeCZ
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMhm3JnGW2
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeTTbRbPjO
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoASqG4xkbh
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpCYgzsdyg0
「阿顧，對不起。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxBN7hm7bYr
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdWnlCQSkm
「道歉有屁用！」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRbRcZzKRc
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYFBI32UrK
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBNzSJZ3i0f
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8a1WEGF1i
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqN3HZ1bi7
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxUPyLG8V6
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4K4mlHpvCT
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrdLw6TJQK
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxh678kJeDa
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBASxKvVML6
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiNejzvqsU
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWAqNx2bfln
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6s59T5pKy
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOquVWjLZWS
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4IJpseA0pb
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKETNwspY0
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLmJ5TMIve
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00ViEm6kFA
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHbD9v6gFa
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGR9jcunMDg
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAMWAJNevz
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡriCFUSznRk
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjPeIJoyvF
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXE7z8UbEcb
我活該……我活該……我活該……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZktvWzFth
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9nVnkH7Zwl
我如此催眠自己。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0dtTDBWvw
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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