下班回家，淋浴。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJHyhBQ5Rk
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTMbOACFla
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbfcqdIUxN
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFJDgd90wd
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9taA72hqJ
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5xeKeToQh
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3MUynLVukN
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCG46B9FGb
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyRy3mnVnRs
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILaqLKXB6r
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7JVYRqZhk
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRK7g066U2N
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcOPr65ZU95
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KpoB918vm
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0IHr8N8Jm
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfPpPr2Up4
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8efix6Vmz
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyAY1ZKobT
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4meerVG88Y
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayfYbStHa7
啪——啪——384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GL3ANQpK3
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOybuSe1Hfm
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjgWYWyMwd
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueP2Ey1vTT
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyiZEXq1Ax
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BPvGgGkLN
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94wuxQmmkp
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0hpSUqk66
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPOtYEpkhQ
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KpARPiT1m
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAG5dnSFyF
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcn7at5TcOU
算了吧。沒所謂。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JISUAQNIG
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkkuqSxWJf
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7S5euwKXpb
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRhzv1Eymy
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqJJh39tdZ
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCZdDIBNaY
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXupvOZ1vl5
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8N42Dvqz4
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEqOVeiq4w
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwjmqqDuD0
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8IRIyHybL
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMeVNAwK9gK
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmERoHt2Hp
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNPpeNeOzrW
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgy9RKyBqSJ
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs2CXgPXaLq
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLPdlS2Lu8
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LhgAN1IO9
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggeJ8GqK1V
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuxHA9Lrlkd
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgSmNBJYEWA
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYCQ0NSHCL
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7nv5hevfy2
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnv6AxIUfz
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0oK24kGhqU
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mYJl2V9QS
我頭也不回開門離家。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHBfj8xrV57
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Nz0NIst1P
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnSY6qbUv7
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4ohYTmWHI
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7oayXOf6J0
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNj7spL3nS
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCjngvEIvg
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUw4G0Lr3c
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrYun9zWj3
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNJHtGKBlx
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshMe7SnW6K
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLf2iyVhfk2
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrG7Le0ycc
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwwBc666ss
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlOlktWcfxh
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPsEuHC4Qbh
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8KtmIA9DIN
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG14eNSd77k
「你不開心？」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDvenkwVcjs
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5rwN3g0yQx
「是的。但與你無關。」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlh6xrVs62Y
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡay8GyHEnHS
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8ofJhWlab
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJUAZSk02x
「還有菸嗎？」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPEX0d5plD
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgu1CR904qW
「有。」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeOMuGr6rTz
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN05MZCBeM9
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxosPvcJFR
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2uuxv5KY73
「俊仔還好嗎？」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX9eFPVldyy
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmyp1CENfP1
「與你無關。」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYz9u5GhLZ
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIc73TfskB
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHml0R4IrK6
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZ09dtIi6h
我幽幽一笑。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjw2o2Kx5PY
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnTRfq8yA6
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTs6JgU4wry
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJQCwWfVY6p
「多少？我付！」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxllXov7e4
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY88rj7vykA
「五萬七千五百元。」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfB0vNxhgI
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxThUkZ1ldA
「好！沒問題！小意思！」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZhpQXZol5
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSDvNYa2XQy
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0jdKKBTTY
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxMaxvctZV
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvmtKNJhsif
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9nCpUCiui8
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNRB0tqpdpq
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjD1EeDjow
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkNE8au7KJ
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPLOQ7nx9c
「阿顧，對不起。」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0smG6pAEEo
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNq1BAePGu
「道歉有屁用！」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5aVNv42c0X
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN3PpvwrQ3I
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc1dZsjs8Wv
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Af6UdluHX
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgLrQXr68o
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XMAYapmwP
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAIfFjYFrE
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHpYwcpbjz
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpfvVofKn6
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhbpANLbKG
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4OBLiO9f2
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYEDG5qtfSA
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZfDGviu7T
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73psxMmc7R
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCnJAmm4KE
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsKgz5yNZN
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyGFxz9oxM
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasBDZ9h2gz
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlHcqcCtjR
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ecVXJ79EB
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJC3owGWed
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnuJ4WBJKC
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowGeXwRmOJ
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoBpMWQeROz
我活該……我活該……我活該……384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIjGiM6iRbr
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAsKij6ldg
我如此催眠自己。384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJpertjqGi
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.141.4.12da2
然後按「加至主畫面」