下班回家，淋浴。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfLOmxBFjp
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCz9cudh1Q
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8mmzZ3PpR
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kqr8Wjjrk
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFE4I8LqmV
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYWyH7RCKFI
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGuUANfTMl
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzsUMCVvtz
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv47bxWR7Ao
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuF6QIvH9n2
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVb8RGRpMKZ
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTzMJitA6m
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeYZ5bPBWm
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVp8XFhLKJ
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwV9QiGB9S
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqvXGk37VC
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43qUmsmtOZ
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqDXRahmiG
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHXAWqui6g
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK71VNM31tk
啪——啪——378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZXV9qOGA9G
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvH2vX5C67
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38ngIxbtNn
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWaI66e4qnQ
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4g0tMsjDw
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLNl0iwUef
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubw3lxGviO
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTToSRD1gq
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdajlK4MQx7
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0MKmOfeFl
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHnuzjSJJ35
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgIPJMiJor
算了吧。沒所謂。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Rx5eCxNFH
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5pWjePFqS
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjeJkWE51ff
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJzLSKn35v
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPVSltz9T7H
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqaO0CxWkZp
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZXzCmJxic
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡauFEJvlKr8
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUtBB3CPV0
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7BS8vYTTW
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6o3nJv5njZ
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDNss4iIFeP
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplvum9Yx81
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOatzT4HNwS
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM4TwJZD1g4
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVN6UismBZY
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9qqTMiNbL
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMn1heGyhl0
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMT197jORfu
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡflfwzHcHu9
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJ8GEi6c61
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEPaKvxsbcW
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nTkRRYLL9
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8P76dGVhRE
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpyeR5KD3Y
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1Wr6R4QSZ
我頭也不回開門離家。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyk8v1XcJzO
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKmgha5Gmb
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTGsjRZX0S6
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBtBzhEgcYf
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu3Kdpr7x1z
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOtfxAxeiU
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ZyGiuf9tP
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkyNL6wwJrN
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfvW9Oczzbn
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡciKhX8u6m6
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiROu1EjsMO
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWOJGaDlK88
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJf6DlxD0t
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjQ5lgEjQt
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0uJRAuVSUB
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2axnY7cmaF
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvmk8Gn2k6
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQcsw1S26R0
「你不開心？」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2asNvvMoF
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnrz6Mt4yz
「是的。但與你無關。」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFk7simUkVN
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32yMC2Rpn5
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxzjR6nvIpY
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡki6Yg9T2aS
「還有菸嗎？」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYc9sweHlvV
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnE85nDq3q
「有。」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVxJs1AhGE3
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigNf1T4p8F
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nK3ctI40a
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjQKSs42c6G
「俊仔還好嗎？」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡksEeRkzIua
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPYqsNmU1UK
「與你無關。」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0X7gUq1yQ
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡid8V8o6CSF
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qsuhMzywu
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc6sS1XC6Pf
我幽幽一笑。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYm59DBW0q
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIU3T9hi3rT
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PBRyGvABc
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOYhdFvo62
「多少？我付！」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx42zM1FrLZ
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWilMXqgsM
「五萬七千五百元。」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBskVGvvSg
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6du3yMBKv
「好！沒問題！小意思！」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmf8863ZpAM
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvulGbBVVz7
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgsF6Z005gt
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vXM4tikpP
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qOSzdS8PY
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNefIquTdj
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgVdH6nlXt
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgGA9MSDHH
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0WZIFie7Y
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwcHQWL2rf
「阿顧，對不起。」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyGJddnhzW2
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWlpsbnnYR
「道歉有屁用！」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjO7Nww8iUG
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfW630Jkofa
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpb0Pduh8T
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVG5Xync2pM
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyVLFnHlaX
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNakf0DKCqM
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMx2JEFj4vP
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDXpF4ZzJ67
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENpf8xmKem
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpctoV9TprP
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfaaAcYWkeQ
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEICGm0Jj16
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMrue4fuy8
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zIiyDrDGR
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAPnfWrErk
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡioXUpiisRY
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPwW8wtDZPL
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoIMbRogWX
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCyionguoQ
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm54a0WZCbw
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjogXma2Vd
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIEM3v3OxU
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWtmnXAZzK
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoUdblsqeG
我活該……我活該……我活該……378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkrRPwGKkF
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecA6IKllwh
我如此催眠自己。378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQloeVOrinp
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.18.223.22da2
然後按「加至主畫面」