下班回家，淋浴。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXz6zOGKn8x
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaeCDtkBtPp
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIgQQbKYakR
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWfJ45A9eE
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjuqNfHvsI
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwFLaAh8ku
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJhaukrj36
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvET242gCiB
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgyM2mTATyV
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwoQLmaqSDP
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwJyXkny0o
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruOn7C5rQY
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKkHoOKOSa9
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGtuo8sYqF
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDoWZ49O5X
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHfTuSRzq0
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYqcOWnKNwf
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv36q7QKoUt
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoikovHVkjn
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt27Csso4sM
啪——啪——460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zfNbOI0Px
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGmWtoDucq
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtY8E6Zq2yd
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8tTm4Qmqm
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPTm7OMcgId
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMadvQ1UvJ
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjLXyOJhMUJ
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YxXgAgz9x
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtp7Vibpzrt
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLJwfxraez
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbF0NapeEkk
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqQEWnCOYu
算了吧。沒所謂。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcDJOj2ddgi
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8EJicoBF97
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuVdcGWQ0HQ
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMUdc9nP016
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHM9h14REY4
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡok66CK6OpQ
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVS5yoeLBQ
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnewc9DVEr
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3mDSskIHH
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53FqFOoNLh
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSaZYXyzFUe
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIG1FvTCNCr
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFrqj7CPSkA
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuMHdUaOpa
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZR236SviYP
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYLOYA9erd
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3scvaSq55
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6eRl3F72S
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4ghri0FJ0
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHiHBe8TLi
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡedTmnBTcDp
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorufY6dL5v
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblJdZeuaaG
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRubgSMVeY
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JHaE9XxON
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDXNAUOyRLk
我頭也不回開門離家。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzR8M07YKJ
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUfNxC6Shd
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZmRRcDgLU
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjedOTpoZI
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcPHah7RG6
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucqeOiyJxF
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdxiSlH1Ok
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1Eg2NpyQi
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7gjrVdoYM
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFoceMpzImV
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInrV26jybw
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcK7sxPkUX
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xJcTvvfPF
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpsEK9zG2gM
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKaRghNiXv
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHnEHSR0MI
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1OiX7i7cP
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBtMKDFMZF
「你不開心？」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMW26LxCsS5
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoyWF97gqP
「是的。但與你無關。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyVTnUoyGV
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnW2PuC6ML
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjmKdvr9U4
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP6BzZJ8fVw
「還有菸嗎？」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zr6dHLOaE
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6UYKWGbDiD
「有。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPF8zGkXVP
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuaQAMAApop
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ZT0pHb2V2
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvoXJpKeQnN
「俊仔還好嗎？」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdS2HkgUy1u
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXJz6ZCSsI
「與你無關。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9nsmR7X47
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVdbX8CT8S
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbNTQXHnntb
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkJoA8TztN
我幽幽一笑。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0eQU3IryAW
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR0UXahu0xn
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRzZRySa4Mj
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAJfyfHMaf
「多少？我付！」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZUVai38Kd
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaDyoJwTMDh
「五萬七千五百元。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuu69xJxGXB
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6NJu3EvCLo
「好！沒問題！小意思！」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobfRYy2pdG
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgjSOdBCV7i
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbwQ3qqfuX
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWm9BvqjrN
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MPMFdTvuv
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4NvuEMF0O
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8Bd2qk2Da
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJl7vy29vWy
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJXDJpBMJg
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfjxL2jQb8
「阿顧，對不起。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrPwohwpwi
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVuqP1yHCc
「道歉有屁用！」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBc6LeXZGC
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSZkpr74Zk
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdo68qtplsA
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFe2N87irA
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQoS13etRS
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrj7n71SuH
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XUdAKKvFS
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAx38KrxvNe
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBDWAl3tG3
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1KOg9q9Qm7
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8J4oZ9Gup
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTHHhJkorr
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl99TF7pcCs
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRowXVdEzbV
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82avBLguOK
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYhfwAzwcK
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYj6QTYlFG
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXctR0mcrwW
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTOMs5Vh2r
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgdIFKhfAOG
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6W9NBmwkq6
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJzqtnVQwe
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJTBRrZ1XN
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6WUgwYmbM
我活該……我活該……我活該……460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAppIEkCGDf
460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3tojy6Fom2
我如此催眠自己。460Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmyDpKasTTc
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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