下班回家，淋浴。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpIkHDkRn1
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsphneEyPKx
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq22OuD4w2e
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJRPbnWuPPx
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzCtdkj2jk
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ02RHGfi9JG
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTtU0BnBEY
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjqvtzggTmk
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxDoDUaKMx
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4Fhgs9DfN
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSe2hxPphg
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡToCRuSEjgK
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDelST4CYFs
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYwM91ktj6
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2eWS341lC2
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdm3QGSPv5
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4XHNGs5zU
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezKXCLTsvs
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySkhicGRbK
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4cwkKemLtg
啪——啪——439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoFGYPkh56
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYfNS3G7ta
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONp27W9pBa
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvrCs4Vmek
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylPdARfDk6
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPdEPRYepI
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡotTKnSGDJH
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vkIZFmfQP
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTzpULjlTZ
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFu4McCop4
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRoYUTg1Ael
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQloOyY9EZk
算了吧。沒所謂。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoI6dvmiXL
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSZbHmaLuJ
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGGbKxUdvf
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9y3fJqIuP
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqR2NLEuyQ
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzDc3jxjoe
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNdivwzRAvx
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykG3ijHRbr
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbYLy79zC8c
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FxBHXVvog
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoI5P24efsw
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5WiDZ3kTxE
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQABC9Pok1F
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgfoAspZQfR
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65VeIS4R82
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡighmegGYSJ
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5P5dDP4Wz
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVNvpx2RWM
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCt3A9Ugku
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCws1xGqOg0
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡppyyffiIwk
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQiUkKSiU4
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcsvAHRcTOo
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMIEssweGh
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6aZ4MJB0TC
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkOqwqXBOS
我頭也不回開門離家。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcs0PjW3rl
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMySGXkcCSG
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJm3A8CSYD
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2GMe9mr85
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmYOubRLrT
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgMWi0EWup
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXkWj8YLgX
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQu8JnX9sO
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7nNu0oL7c
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5MM2vQGek
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYQpqFHtfo
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiKIbisROZ
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnmpRFLhjN
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD7pOdN1I5P
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKE7q4hvC2
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUauvD3vxwH
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0YDlUTM6B
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexgtMQwLHB
「你不開心？」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwlFf5559e4
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLK1qQdmghd
「是的。但與你無關。」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqk9EH5xMf
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLqMpZmycz
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonTwO7c6GG
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvnrDo3L4QZ
「還有菸嗎？」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoOB6JywUS
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgyzUuWzkD
「有。」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAahVQXfwzJ
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04O1teRrwR
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7un5rm9qE
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01ugIlBGjH
「俊仔還好嗎？」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ioccojaTF
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmWbGg1xuK
「與你無關。」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXbUDY7NUzN
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcurn9apfo
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZMhmWOpL9
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYYDRV1v12
我幽幽一笑。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0snDNF0EAu
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLU5HUq3qT
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Xo4Wdtbgf
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JPEatO5og
「多少？我付！」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsm5I1boEyR
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMvzgHnO1D
「五萬七千五百元。」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPV13KLfRu
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCgcSwjP2h
「好！沒問題！小意思！」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThGkLZA2Rk
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjUPxTh96s
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlonR5KHqah
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ51pJ2iK6yC
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtEEhcdZ3g
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPUCrpcq80M
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPg1Wdt4F8
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3emm3PJ5r2
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQx3WjfkYhN
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrtnJUeURs
「阿顧，對不起。」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZlNaMXHn6J
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvasjYupBiY
「道歉有屁用！」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxpf0PNcA6
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAVVsJCIyQO
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRjyfasjam
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzN6DFv2ks
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY68axYCmrw
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvRp8JAbDB
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5iaItXNdG5
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVjHRvOImWS
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ccbiu7S70
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJ6n89xZiu
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnyALfEB2O
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWzkyxLYRFT
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27scz6CjJW
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfCAuPWmTH
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxPWG5mVOH
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCidzVOjEfp
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtN8KObyZhk
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGHTSdpI51
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo56cEYGl8h
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZQogsxCYD
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFj0sIRq8xm
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnRZ6cuQAZ
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ61pWh74F3D
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZDDOQfMxj
我活該……我活該……我活該……439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBR6T8wLUc
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡac7XS1AJVf
我如此催眠自己。439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRF1Zjyy3Jb
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.23.102.192da2
然後按「加至主畫面」