下班回家，淋浴。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21LRCKRKNR
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYGBGSPCud
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfPERZ474q
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1aLotNJmD
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYUFee8Ga2
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmv8rKmbDaf
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ1vYxyGMNk
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwELYQnEjHl
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLxmqqIB4X
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCX5TJ8qIp
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6N1ihDpZB
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfrp9T2NjAM
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNqZBo5di6K
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgVxZgq571b
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy3FNOidPVL
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XeHe08qvh
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0t5lpqpb0a
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlEfHwCw8A
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszf0f186bf
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAr9etUz5gO
啪——啪——646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPI1qd4XeuR
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2FT8JuYhte
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1GMJHjzQ83
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLeVg8MiD2U
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FQEirMvIK
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTyCtLfJXh
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOozWYcS2uA
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bVQYXGC22
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWS8zc4IiaQ
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsfSdVpEwCl
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPkTnHZiZc
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJ3Wir1Oiq
算了吧。沒所謂。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAflWjSvHp
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0v4tvIG9nh
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLy3JdMbEds
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEG34hK62I
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44AxT50vsA
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNP3kQ5N2O
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMoazLswA4q
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPoPAoYnTq
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxKNLhqLLi
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLl5dejjN7a
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwfT1XQeaH
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIwFopXU6V
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6AfVtEjxF
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCmAQB4Sl3x
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlb423nfF3U
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ZNzKDNoNZ
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡehT1q2QDQC
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsc58Y8Io6j
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWy6bkADP8M
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJeSFBksRMn
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYSJnfzGsUX
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WLWnpvpoR
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANlzAIlcdp
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRoGEQNEdE2
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbdTZYr7CJ
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡifvd4KHCEK
我頭也不回開門離家。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabEUAlAUPr
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIgOXvyjKDy
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vG6urF7hf
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnDzuOXZLH
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0odwRKDhtI
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbYewgI6o8D
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFFGbbWJehp
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMwx1ImZJx
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zJ69xfuCX
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEru0qnR1af
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjpNqZlwOk
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5C8CsFM4w
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqOUIqOnLd
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDR1O8z0uo
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsR7XY6IXdW
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5hwWYykEFx
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMhlu5g0O1
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpU0ss77j48
「你不開心？」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84NE4BfrpQ
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnVmFv5fWR
「是的。但與你無關。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pPLZQsfhJ
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoWsMQJe7N
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQtCAZjQh4
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBsqKGQnut
「還有菸嗎？」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7VuxurN0Ln
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47fk2p6MNp
「有。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQcHekvyTx
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAb7WNvNlbA
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKOG5iOA2a
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGi5v88OT1
「俊仔還好嗎？」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPnDUSBO9W
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFVPhWETdt
「與你無關。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjLD2TU1zc
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQxWbQPOJU
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrh6UxQNJnM
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgxbHlr3US
我幽幽一笑。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFleIlsfd67
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Rs4xbuP9Z
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYwbKEGt0c
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHwyDOdTAE
「多少？我付！」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiW2c8wBhfT
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwsmjOZgoYb
「五萬七千五百元。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27ysRWBbGy
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKhAEeyBpT
「好！沒問題！小意思！」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbjK34ClSc
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ibG0kEJ1z
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpR4gIUrnHT
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWiHnhe92n
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2Qr7VJ8t4
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwyFvFgBfH
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyQXjh4FpV
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4qJbqX0we
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ360ByURk22
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyT1u8tXeOq
「阿顧，對不起。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTSddnUooG
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ371F1LaM7
「道歉有屁用！」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDnjAGEldm
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡad0FFZCJcB
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTO03LuPbL
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6xNy974sT
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHF0yuQQ6Gh
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Mqrl0XaL9
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0HHAHBQu1
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNouFv7Fow
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6m7vKC5ir
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWhGHQhNwS
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxBpFcQzuJD
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQw0iSJq62j
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiO85lRdcZ
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnB6RcH2qYH
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkwnkSGhD5
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIBF15mQLhd
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3VSOYDFRMJ
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EivVtcdtJ
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfyWyS1HN3X
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW000p6U3IW
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OZ2jCggvG
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hHrOfGCVk
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kOCOVKhCs
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9F77PDtMqZ
我活該……我活該……我活該……646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1kmWz0rRl
646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvZtZVYU8n
我如此催眠自己。646Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH0t6GfuBkA
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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