下班回家，淋浴。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0xvYku4D4a
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpF8waBvUs
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQb8KJcBgOC
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHYNE5FvWfQ
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8L12DMEBZ
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56qcTP8zJM
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2AtLLWlTYX
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0gGpWQiyM
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJqrMP2olI
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvaZbLkERq
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPVQKkaavN
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLCjf467LDE
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLtNhXKfJG8
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mg9Eaj0Wb
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBoP62v90Pl
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpntbNaH86
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOV0cGEOPZx
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZK2b8GAb7H
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSziSp1RWml
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxK8VjdqfWI
啪——啪——416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOCQcuwEmn
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XBG0q7NFe
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoyRhApPUG
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4FluFt5WM
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGjN3kBfxW
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtEkSra6iU
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKwRNdWDv73
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQFQk8yhcl
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lFhDuahw3
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHnTu6WcrL8
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCZ62qg9gJ
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6AhVoTzp8p
算了吧。沒所謂。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrsuybnJcKa
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJB5jodV9O
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLoiYZejdc
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGw6JktJWaj
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHONmo7A94g
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WCVXSFgR6
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2OcfpBrKV
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNyhrSUzPRQ
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Nnhoo6Lo6
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ja4Xwcrij
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVuBIm3BPa0
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7yq6gynSeM
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrz1fdXuTZ
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrhviGWtW8
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5k5O5Hr0nu
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGk9jngGbz
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYh9kJLGLc
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoMaG4pW2qs
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLm9lEvDHk
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwDDzZQV97
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmDwn7P4f6t
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG6aUWmf4qV
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCz9alEqK61
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8f70YjYpbO
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjriPE3zF7
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Q7XbDKXaU
我頭也不回開門離家。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl7qoEcf5NE
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDaOyO0j5Be
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSl51hxtXuL
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYUEDB9UAM
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5fAA0vhFH
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrxZCUto69
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJ66J3lHWY
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3gNwMNbhyV
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Z6KZ358ja
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQm5T6zlfch
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj67798AICq
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPJpIfiDNK
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUYE7bWt2i
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2sOqBQFHD
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1npHSu5EsL
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lWil8FaYb
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMTHBJ5qcE
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2W8eKq1H9
「你不開心？」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxni6kqn6d
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nB2j2HotC
「是的。但與你無關。」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7UjdAYxPJ5
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcvvDbEg2B
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLc970cdWI
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdaLLyvZuhI
「還有菸嗎？」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfapoqvAzix
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Z8NswUwN5
「有。」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7R3I7OWJg1
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuNEmM2gNE
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4OsOzOmyfF
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnlgiVU0ge
「俊仔還好嗎？」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIeVtgoFSYP
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjTTCSmgcjK
「與你無關。」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYtzNXvb2dA
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLf3EJq1OE4
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDD8YhYjYAg
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2XEI8QAHW
我幽幽一笑。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbuuq7Ca79
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1PwQxle09
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Ci4jk2E51
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8iYbiZYlaD
「多少？我付！」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPa7k7jfbse
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZVbg8jl86
「五萬七千五百元。」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1r2jzRayY7
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM4x5ydmjDD
「好！沒問題！小意思！」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrWEXBJDKK
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MvybcfoYB
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMEsRrzhyR
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpNmxBZ5qI
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPCgiSsTRfv
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMLCpnzo5L
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNRoWQcKlCa
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbh6ecO7LYQ
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69eoM6aqCI
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SsjIXZbFh
「阿顧，對不起。」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknaeGWuNus
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0BZop4rXn
「道歉有屁用！」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWA2TAMZTk
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzswSXOsmON
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiwWyWsYZYJ
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJSy1C6puQ
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjLTTUZFfh
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayOAKkWsDf
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡco6ll3nWic
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2DqKvscOa
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0swOcHKfI
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWklHfFNV3
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx39h7dTVHE
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsv2PjmdhZo
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhhzynxjDsC
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxoV5Y9AspM
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqorO9Bc5w6
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNowghdRVa
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYirmyuGrU1
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDW8tkk2PJ
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyb8GJHVi5
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdx8TF1Qnt
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMeEeMx7sB
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVa77wNkmdE
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTlyhSPlGdI
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPTDrZ7VMa
我活該……我活該……我活該……416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihkums8vs2
416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1AOMfwhlZ
我如此催眠自己。416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI0pkcfUxAz
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.15.0.151da2
然後按「加至主畫面」