下班回家，淋浴。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOgZT58lbS
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84vFd9OxXn
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekJIIb0ODv
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnv3o3m2vk
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgS7YxIiZPQ
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFOm1gDrcR
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMCV9lPD80
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKasYXOuvDr
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDiIPNePE7
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldBzUgBK8x
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWP1hbP7qq
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9X1SSGtq6
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjouGggulG
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbDrtgEDRE
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1ZBbfRDEn
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOotzuDxCJX
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJRgn9tmGs
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjWl4ZVZpx
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlL9L9Y5EVX
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNq9bOUGbc
啪——啪——476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWEZYAKSHH
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyp1jSPvLf1
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpPAGw9ykO
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDneoQRxvTh
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNd1Wr0Rds
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyFgFkiPWo0
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwCARYn34z
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYqJx9l6Kv
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIoVLAldys
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsY6iyHYyPi
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7u7sV2Zje
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKPnEKzqsA
算了吧。沒所謂。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEa9udUfA3Z
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTFWUoL2Kg
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldhzOqj8N0
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvxkQ7utJM
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wvJxUa7J1
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfL1IqQo9WU
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3Y5xzIyXI
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHy43DOu1c
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcDV778D9JS
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwdXi3xQ0F
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMa0KuC9QMs
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQH2UPI3OD
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZMOlyiejA
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIywM21lJI
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0A0uiWX6MO
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL2WKdMFV3A
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCGMdV1US0
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDiWrWehT9
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHlzVPT8wp
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbpbM7HvDt
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZGtnqxA5JS
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy18JtWDvis
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO8AoSrIUep
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfjG1oJIMW
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufa4DM46Ku
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8zvU8ypNS
我頭也不回開門離家。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZMCidII4o3
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlOlAtN8zv3
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhm2zw0wzE5
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5nlulzLYB
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzqN5eSCiD
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbjKP8J749
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Kecl8UQ1E
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaSLvVtNsX
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GJ0wLnZ4J
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEUllD3L5E
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOu6qQPRq1s
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDyPHL1SxzE
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYiaOXRWVzF
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWsT0T4IVk
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PNSnmbm29
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9DmO6NLEw
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlsBAGtacXS
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPkHCZxjnj
「你不開心？」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrFWWYUnnP
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTasnIQt69
「是的。但與你無關。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf7KmqhL4Zd
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVYfRoCdfX
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdLjyN3cY5
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvsrz4K0HW
「還有菸嗎？」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmF9iwOCGL
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFoiQTAEUzU
「有。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxUP1Pcb5V
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7uBn7ntQ8
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUvHKFApVu
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvoio2Vz26f
「俊仔還好嗎？」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBb4jEZkqs
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WPb5fOByI
「與你無關。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhOuVa2hhF
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1w9O6XggcT
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMPAn3Oyad5
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2aUuEBHkU
我幽幽一笑。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvpx9go0Du
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwliGXgIzS
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCO9FhgYMbS
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57jST1OiAQ
「多少？我付！」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa1tqNAImJW
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFRF2DWDAx
「五萬七千五百元。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmIr2njPMS
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡka4uIoQo8V
「好！沒問題！小意思！」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmf4pk7Nflh
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01G3drHIxC
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdaGAHxEuMu
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfYGVrwlLt
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8m5n9oAyRu
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4i9ijVrGj
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgu7fStwXqu
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0teVi2TURN
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9rAoB7Fq6
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEb9WJF7KGv
「阿顧，對不起。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0d2t50MVz
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pMxABYbU3
「道歉有屁用！」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGoO32zPb8G
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCNMlSvwgS
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbhX7eW7oJz
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYDvRVvsBd
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPUOoZVeW22
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9AZcGqIS2
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTowevFP4mr
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2suzWa6m6
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpXqHrkgrNx
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQy4Rer2ilS
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDk7eR0AudF
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHdkj8gaFR
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWCckSypjp
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUlBOJRlut
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLO5eY0AWN
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXASliBzAEV
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhBZZ0VCMFH
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttv8V5F5kM
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ235DePQjJj
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWWYjjVkZt
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpao41G7PYK
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtRqZqJmzU
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAlhOBxB0P
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzc3aZffLKR
我活該……我活該……我活該……476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNf2uDOfhf
476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaB0gcKKbfM
我如此催眠自己。476Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyfWF4Ddg7S
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns216.73.216.113da2
然後按「加至主畫面」