我十八歲嗰年離家出走。走得好急，無詳細計劃過之後會點。唔理喇！我下定決心絕對唔會食回頭草！我想盡辦法賺錢，除咗正職，仲有做幾份兼職。捱到成個人殘晒，瘦到似個初中生。收留我嘅朋友驚我隨時暴斃。我笑笑口同佢講：「我唔驚死，我最驚係唔知為乜而死。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9VbTTZpHH
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MZQ9nQN5f
有時夜深人靜，我屈喺張床瞓唔著，碌嚟碌去，好自然會諗自己做咁多嘢係為乜。我一直只係知道自己「唔想要乜」，無確實知道自己「想要乜」。斷斷續續諗咗好多晚，最後諗起以前一直想做作家。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfqBxABHOj
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我由中一開始鍾意寫小說。當年唔係家家戶戶有電腦，網絡小說唔盛行，我只可以投稿去報紙雜誌或者參加比賽。直至臨近會考，為咗專心溫書而「暫時」停寫小說。點知考完之後又走去做暑期工，做完暑期工又要四圍撲學校……搞下搞下，我無再寫小說。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxUKhVy0EY
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiXNiU4vdt
寫小說係我嘅夢想？我唔肯定，但係我開始再次寫小說。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBw4GP3C2QU
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhiSQbL2ZPI
我份人好現實，唔會投放好多時間寫小說。只得忙裡偷閒，返工時候偷偷哋隨手攞張紙嚟寫（用手提電話寫小說太張揚）。每次寫幾句，幾句幾句加埋就係一篇小說，所以我寫嘅小說大部份都係短篇。雖然我本身對長篇有情意結，不過而家都唔錯——有得寫已經好開心。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYHH51q1nl
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兩年半之後，終於夠錢租屋，唔使再打攪朋友。臨搬走嗰晚，朋友問我之後有乜打算。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWjpDiHEoL
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「而家日做夜做，我身體好易捱唔住。長遠嚟講，我一定要搵份高人工嘅正職，唔再做兼職。」我自細成日病，離開屋企無疑係搵命博。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTgJVmreD0b
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡltRdwi3Ejl
「你學歷唔高喎！」朋友即刻諗到重點。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAalekcpGLL
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TaWCkfuVM
「我知。一早有準備！」我講述鋪排咗兩年嘅計劃：「兩年前，我去學AutoCAD，而家做繪圖員，下一步係應徵做室內設計師。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2HWRJIUCM
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「識畫圖等如識設計？」朋友唔係好明。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvaSSwyWTA
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCJr9zlZHa0
「唔係。」我簡單講下呢兩年嘅大發現：「重點係做設計師唔使考牌。只要有基本相關知識，加上有膽量、有口才，氹到客人落單，其餘嘅可以邊做邊學。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBWxGOoEC0
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「真係？」朋友唔相信可以咁簡單。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡby6wVjL0Z5
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxtG117RjE
「真係。」其實我都認為未必可以咁順利，不過點都要放手一博。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKuGjxRAUvI
今日去見工。換好衫，化好妝，照鏡。我就快二十一歲，鏡中人睇落似三十一歲，老、殘、瘦、乾，根本唔係一個廿歲嘅年青人。無計——我點都唔會返轉頭，唔返轉頭嘅代價就係不停向前走，唔可以停。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhiHfAsyCxK
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcU8pxC9Ep
見工過程順利，老闆即場決定請我。雖然被壓價在所難免，好彩最後價錢尚算合理。做咗幾日之後，老闆講起點解請我：因為我個樣夠老，睇落成熟，客人會比較放心。我表面假笑，個心就喺度講粗口。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3cumfAj1k
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2WN0f0YiW
眨下眼又過咗四年幾，我將近二十五歲。我知道自己喺呢間公司大限將至：老闆為咗唔使畀「長期服務金」，所以公司內無一個員工可以過到五年。無所謂，東家唔打打西家！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLhEo519ck
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYtJEH9YY75
點諗到返新工半年之後撞啱經濟不景，公司無乜生意，一次炒幾個人，包括我。我又再搵工。好多公司以「經濟不景」為由乘機大幅壓價。我理解，但係接受唔到！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILVahQgWwO
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嬲。嬲到兩日無搵工，當係俾自己休息下。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEN76gruKGn
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRtlFOrYNm8
嬲完之後，又死死地氣搵工，同時搵細屋搬。比起住得唔舒服，我更加怕四圍問人借錢。嗰種感覺好慘，好似擘開個好痛嘅傷口任人睇，而且對方睇完之後唔單止未必幫我，仲會畀面色我睇。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2ywzQnJv3
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImuOEQQarG
我喺唐樓租咗間劏房。開頭幾日好唔習慣，硬係覺得自己嘅地頭多咗好多閒雜人（即係其他劏房租客）。有幾個租客成日嗌交，嗌到好激烈，喊打喊殺。雖然最終無特別事發生過，不過我次次都好驚。一個月之後，我勉強算係習慣咗新嘅生活環境。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgId5jR0tdI
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr8TjNVr5TW
凌晨時分，馬路無車，大街無人，租客又瞓晒，四圍好靜。突然聽到有狗吠聲。我開窗望下隻狗喺邊。望下望下，我喊咗——點解我喺度望狗㗎？我唔係應該寫緊小說咩？255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtrGu5lQSqO
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvkEiXNawBj
我已經好耐無寫小說。因為攰，因為心情差，因為忙，然後不知不覺無寫小說。而家呢？我呢一刻有番寫小說嗰種感覺喇，但係我無攞起紙筆，亦無拎起個電話，因為我驚開燈，又驚要叉電——電費好貴！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUc3tlLYGVx
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Oj8rO2UDV
我做咁多嘢係為乜？而家竟然連燈都唔敢開！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LoWtv6oBl
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qtXNDdYnc
我盡力唔喊出聲，不過最後依然嘈醒晒其他租客。粗口橫飛，我嘅祖宗十八代同阿媽無一倖免。無幾耐之後，粗口突然停晒。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2jrLhnzNx
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「樓下火燭呀！」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0PcTR4UDm
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太突然喇！我呆住，以為自己發緊夢，直至房門出面越嚟越嘈，我清楚聽到其他租客嘅腳步聲、呼救聲、雜物碰撞聲……我呢個時候終於相信自己唔係發夢，而係真係咁黑仔，真係遇著火燭！下意識即刻擸起手袋，跟住其他租客衝去後樓梯。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbzhlfT2cr
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6997efITAz
我今日見工用過呢個手袋，入面有齊履歷表、證書。至於手袋入面係咪有齊逃生三寶（濕毛巾、鎖匙、手提電話），我唔知，亦唔想理。我關心係咪搵到工多過係咪保得住條命！我驚搵唔到工多過無咗條命！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQju9PTp6Ow
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkGDbYeb9L
好彩後樓梯無乜雜物，我好快落到樓下，跟住消防員指示去到安全地方。遠遠望到自己間房嘅窗口冒出濃煙，然後見到火舌慢慢由室內燒到出外牆。我個腦突然空白晒，第一次感受到咩叫「一無所有」——連情緒都無埋。過咗半個鐘，火勢越嚟越大，升做三級火，估計有排救唔熄。我跟其他租客去臨時庇護中心過夜。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaS4k0EjfMc
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLyWTfsIVv
肚好餓，地好硬，冷氣好凍，所有災民個身都好臭。我覺得好討厭，但係我接受——銀包漏咗喺單位入面，而家我無錢、無提款咭喺身；如果唔接受，我就要搲爛塊面問人借宿借錢。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjWJ9KKoEK
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BonxFLJkO
唔好諗，快啲瞓！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkqztJPXjP
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhZ5fUbkxR
最衰個腦唔聽使，不停諗將來會係點，搞到完全瞓唔著。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9L0TQQ8zF
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhgyMF1xqf
唔好講咩難受唔難受、尊嚴唔尊嚴，嗰啲全部係後話——生存到先再講。即使今晚唔問，遲早都係要問。喺補領到提款咭之前，點都要借錢租屋住或者買衫去見工。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡob2C6iuQJG
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即刻問！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtyirdXWRK
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撇除已婚人士同男性，其餘喺我手提電話通訊錄嘅人都收到我嘅message。由於係半夜，好多人瞓咗，回覆我嘅只有小貓三四隻，而且係算唔上朋友嗰幾個。佢哋八卦幾句之後，通通已讀不回。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQIUxypubN
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDUNQiwF1Z
唯獨是有一個叫做「阿敏」嘅人問得比較詳細，似乎真係有心幫我。其實我完全唔記得邊個係阿敏。唔緊要，佢肯幫我就得。傾咗一陣之後，阿敏終於露出真面目：「我租間房俾你，每月租金三千蚊，包管理費、差餉，水電煤實報實銷。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMfCYZa3j3f
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6sYijJMW1
我覺得幾抵，又安全過住劏房，於是立即應承。阿敏話自己住喺臨庇護中心附近，可以即刻嚟接我。我孭住個袋，企喺庇護中心門口等阿敏。佢話會著白色衛衣加灰色長褲過嚟。我四圍望，希望可以盡早見到佢個樣，記起佢係邊個，相認時就無咁尷尬。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BRVO7fVbz
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPxw1XYLG5
等咗一陣，見到一個著白色衛衣、灰色長褲嘅身影行過嚟。咦？個身形有啲似男人，應該唔係阿敏。我繼續四圍望，點知頭先個身影行到我身邊停低：「張小姐！」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa00qtj4Wiz
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfFAnw0YXA
「阿……阿敏？」我好驚訝——阿敏係個男人？哎呀！我竟然見到個「敏」字就直覺認定對方係女人！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHABoMtZP0I
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvN8GNtFhbN
「係呀！你唔認得我？」阿敏一眼睇穿我諗咩。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLUkZ2s4mX
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStqx0nk1Pt
「認得，你係幾年前幫我搵屋個地產經紀。」我扮鎮定。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJStVNSqQMy
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnQ1JdfNjp
「行啦！」阿敏好細心，主動幫我攞袋。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9JYnWyTRQZ
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJiyWuPFnu3
「唔該……」理智叫我即刻拒絕，亂咁跟男人返屋企好危險。不過我又無其他辦法，唯有博一博。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGg8nrH6kHD
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十五分鐘後，我已經喺阿敏屋企。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQTCqWiomI
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「我細妹搬咗，唔會返嚟。」阿敏望住租俾我間房，個樣好唏噓。「你放心喺度住啦！」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsoFhzxYuhQ
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5YTLz6PvED
我沖涼之後食咗兩個杯麵，好飽肚、好暖、好舒服。但係我偏偏瞓唔著，個腦好多嘢諗。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Gfj4nk7ms
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諗乜嘢？255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iay9pSN6f
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我要寫小說！我要寫小說！我要寫小說！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtsJmIbohz
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCX97zX30w
我攞部電話出嚟，寫寫寫寫寫，諗到乜就寫乜。即使上文唔接下理，即使執筆忘字，即使劇情老土到爛，我唔理！繼續寫寫寫寫寫，直到電話同個人都無電為止。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vBSgz1Enn
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEWrfGfp1c
呢晚係我有生以嚟最折墮嘅一晚，亦係咁多年以嚟瞓得最好嘅一晚。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpaHOWFp5T
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkt6RJ5ei0
一星期後，我成功補領到提款咭，唔需要問人借錢。阿敏亦無叫我走，繼續俾我喺度住。原來阿敏已經大半年無做嘢，亦無諗住搵工，所以我成為咗佢唯一收入來源。阿敏對我好客氣，家頭細務全部由佢一個人搞掂。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcxut8rZJpH
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfI8Sw7XGeM
生活順利平凡到單調乏味，好彩我唔再求啲乜，除咗寫小說。我特登搵份工作量唔多嘅工，有時間偷偷哋喺公司寫小說，放工之後亦有精神繼續寫小說。我喺小說網開咗個account上載小說。雖然讀者反應麻麻，但係我好開心、好滿足。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI0ZEJKYWy5
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呢種平凡嘅美好生活維持咗三年。直到我識咗小花……255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbB3XIlkNdU
「小花」係個有好多fans嘅網絡作家，我一路有追佢啲小說。睇番記錄，佢寫咗只係半年就已經有好多fans。難怪嘅，佢真係寫得好睇！不過，點解小花會send message畀我？255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwooJmCAkH
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLAxujOZmd
「你寫嘅小說好好睇！我好鍾意！」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VJa4sKj6h
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哇！小花讚我呀！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYWUNjnB1TY
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我好想問佢對我啲小說有咩感想，但係我唔敢問。我啲靈感好多時候來自親身經歷，「問佢對我嘅小說有咩感想」變相等於「問佢對我嘅人生有咩感想」。我怕承受唔起，亦擔心佢會越挖越深，唔小心踩中我嘅痛處。無謂自討苦吃。我將注意力再次集中喺小花身上，講下對佢啲作品有咩感想、最鍾意邊個角色、有咩情節令我好深刻…… 255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUjwARrxdw
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcoF4qVEvZk
我哋越傾越開心。佢講咗好多創作時候遇到嘅困難同心路歷程。我好佩服小花，原來佢背後承受咁多壓力！講下講下，佢仲話個秘密我知！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5aBif2bab3
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「有出版社睇中我個小說，計劃幫我出書！」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVPqLf3RpY
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa77KBR2K8t
「恭喜小花！我要做你『天字第一號fans』！你要加油呀！」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1shirMMRVY
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我衷心支持小花。我好開心、好感動，忍唔住眼濕濕。傻瓜！做乜眼濕濕？而家係小花有機會做作家，唔係我呀！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdquTt9LTsP
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「多謝！你呢？有無諗過出書？」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1q5ufGRzx
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSMU9o4B9C
「唔敢諗。我自問無呢個能力。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnhmlL4jXI
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「我真心覺得你寫得好睇喎！」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2SfBEHcIO
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我本來只係眼濕濕，見到呢句之後直頭喊出嚟。如果有機會，我梗係想出書啦！不過我真心覺得自己寫得普通，未去到可以出書嘅級數。我寧願一世出唔到書，亦唔願意拉低「作家」呢個名銜。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTFsDXzWit
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3UOzWtbKt
「世界好現實。小說寫得好唔好，可以由數據反映出嚟。你睇下我啲點擊率——咁少！」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikrBXFFxFZ
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnOEkPmBYi
「或者你試下寫長篇。好多讀者追開有條癮，追追下小說就會變成追個作者本人。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZp3NVilHTB
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「長篇唔係我強項……」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh2aBbRzVAu
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNuqTzjD2tK
「你試過寫長篇未？」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbqGyh71utf
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe8QCuA7au7
「中學嗰陣試過，不過無寫完。跟住無試過……」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUn3dw7SMW
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcOjqt6V3fC
「中學時做唔到，唔代表而家做唔到！」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBFv8hK7CL
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短短傾咗一陣，小花竟然三番四次講中我心事，搞到我心郁郁，隻手痕痕哋。當晚，我開始寫人生中第二篇長篇小說。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8x9XKMZ7U4
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因為寫得太投入，我返工時、放工之後都係寫長篇，不知不覺荒廢咗短篇，好多日無喺小說網上載小說。可惜寫小說嘅過程好似人生咁，唔係努力就代表一定得，甚至乎寫寫下會突然唔知應該點樣繼續落去。即使預先準備晒故事大綱、人物設定、資料搜集，萬事俱備，點知偏偏係欠東風，靈感話無就無。勉強跟住大綱去寫，只會寫到「形」，寫唔到「髓」。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4f3mCZH6j
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我而家正正係遇到呢種情況，好耐都回復唔到。衰乜嘢？一定係我唔夠料！如果係有料，我一早處理咗呢個情況，點會拖咁耐？安份守己寫下短篇咪好囉，做咩要寫長篇？面係人哋畀，架係自己丟，趁未有其他人發現，不如而家放棄……我好難過，連短篇都無心機寫。唯一好彩嘅係現實生活中無人知道我放棄咗。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dtzHEtAWC
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無寫小說之後，我啲時間鬆動好多。放工之後去行街買嘢，星期六、日瘋狂煲劇或者做家務。生活多咗好多內容，但係呢啲內容又好似無乜意思。人生變到好無聊，返番去嗰個「唔知為乜」嘅狀態。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFcI56QlGJH
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不如發展其他興趣。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRf8KhzKQP
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我叫阿敏教我打機。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGThvvzjzf
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「打機？你唔係鍾意寫小說咩？」阿敏打機好叻，可以一心二用，一路打，一路同我傾偈。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXzB4yT2G1
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94ftotyGaf
「我唔寫喇……我寫得唔好……」我越講越細聲，好似做咗虧心事噉。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPsZvOpCjn
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「寫得唔好？好睇到我晚晚上網睇你更新咗未。」頭先我啱啱入房嘅時候，阿敏就嚟打嬴，而家佢連續幾次走錯位，俾敵人殺咗，明顯個心亂晒。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwsJWxq3Sl
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「你知道我用邊個小說網？」我無諗過阿敏會知道。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ168kHp9Lti
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「你自己講嘅！嗰日你喺小說網開account，好開心噉話我知你要去追夢。」聽到阿敏噉講，我即刻記起當時自己係幾有決心，亦意識到自己而家係幾咁失敗。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaS1KMYsr44
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「估唔到你會記得……」我醜到唔知講咩好，唯有走人：「我返出去先……」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwTpS89rzV
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「我從來無見過有大人可以笑得咁開心，笑到成個細路噉。」阿敏望住個mon笑得好溫柔。「我睇得出你真係鍾意寫小說。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgo936Sr3zq
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「我中學嗰陣已經好鍾意寫小說，不過文筆差，劇情老土……」我諗番起以前嗰種好單純嘅開心。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdkWwlevkS
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「自己開心咪得囉！」阿敏回復狀態，再次反殺敵人。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaq6vKBNzxV
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd1Ea9xOvGs
「我而家心情好返晒！多謝你！」我衷心多謝眼前呢個好鍾意打機嘅廢青。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaK5yxIsbo5
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「今晚你煮飯。」阿敏突然奸笑。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmVtBnufNo
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「好呀！」我無拒絕，照單全收。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnKIlzBPp4
半年後，我喺小說網開始連載長篇小說。讀者唔多，而且反應負面，絕大部份留言係話劇情好悶。好彩我早有心理準備，無論對住任何意見都好淡定，輕輕鬆鬆寫句「多謝留言」。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡweEooGYzNM
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGszjr34uq7
連載咗無耐，小花嘅新書亦喺書局上架。作為「天字第一號fans」，我梗係即刻買一本翻屋企睇。後來知道小花有簽名會，我即刻遞紙請假去排隊攞簽名。場面好墟冚，大部份人係孭住書包嘅學生，似係一放學就趕過嚟。見到小花咁受歡迎，我戥佢好開心。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡveZQFD5PFu
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQ5qKo1Vls
「你使唔使咁感動呀？」阿敏笑我「發花癲」。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZKTuFJK4J
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3p0ZonHOSQ
「你唔明㗎喇！我同小花呢啲係『知音情』！」我扮嬲，乘機大大力打阿敏手臂一下。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KaFDFkW3a
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阿敏嘅笑容僵住，窒咗一秒先回復嬉皮笑臉個衰樣：「我淨係知道你做家務嘅時候好『滋陰』！」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2TxUgWULi0
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三個月之後，我個連載終於完結。情況同初頭差唔多，負評佔絕大多數，不過我最在意嘅係有讀者留言話「期待你嘅下一篇小說」！我開心到呢！即刻send message畀小花，想多謝小花鼓勵我，點知發現小花一早封鎖咗我！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3WHqRBfbR
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咩事？255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgQlacQQeAr
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我上討論區睇下關於小花嘅post。好多網絡作者話小花「好假」，係唔係都讚其他網絡作者寫嘅小說好好睇，扮係欣賞佢哋嘅作品，其實係為咗博對方歡心，為自己製造人氣……睇咗唔係好多個post，我已經流晒眼淚鼻水——原來所有嘢都係假㗎！255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlPBMdnd1ry
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡap428FpNk4
阿敏聽到我索鼻，入房睇下咩事。佢望個mon幾眼，直接熄咗我部電腦。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89Dd8ZN5ka
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我直覺認定阿敏一早知道：「你唔話我知？」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1MzRhSw8q
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「我認為係Haters喺度搞事，無需要太在意。」阿敏翹起雙手，半坐喺枱邊。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15sUvOPlAu
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「你覺得……小花無……呃……我？」我冷靜咗少少。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjKW4BfVljW
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「小花有呃你或者無呃你，對你影響好大咩？」唔知點解，阿敏突然語氣唔多好，有啲䒐䒏。「如果係咁，不如你問下自己，你係咪真係鍾意寫小說，或者你知唔知道咩係『鍾意』。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsi0esXj2t
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwpVxbStAa
「如果我唔知咩係『鍾意』，唔通你又知咩？你鍾意乜呀？你部電腦呀？定係你玩緊隻game嘅角色呀？」面對阿敏嘅質疑，我火遮眼，不知不覺開始人身攻擊。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QNzHyGsWD
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阿敏笑咗笑，講嘢嘅語調平淡到似係扮出嚟：「『鍾意』係遇到錯折都唔放棄，而我鍾意嘅係我以前個女朋友……」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafTYGXtAoS
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWT34LTIU8H
阿敏坦白承認自己係獨子，無細妹，我住緊間房其實係佢以前女朋友嘅。佢為咗賺錢結婚，以前做地產經紀時好博命。日頭做得辛苦，夜晚放工自然會打機輕鬆下。但係喺佢女朋友眼中，佢就係懶，放工之後淨係識打機，乜嘢家務都唔做。有一次佢哋為家務問題嗌大交，佢女朋友嬲到離家出走，無返過嚟，仲轉工、改電話號碼、刪社交帳號……255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8UBAFdmEvC
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyHL1chk5n
阿敏開咗罐啤酒，一路飲，一路講，一路苦笑。「我清楚明白佢嘅意思，亦唔會去煩佢。唯一問題係我個心放唔開。我知道自己唔應該繼續掛住佢，要重新出發、搵過另一個，不過我無動力去咁做。我以前做到成隻狗咁就係為咗賺多啲錢，畀好啲嘅生活佢，等佢可以風風光光咁嫁俾我。自從佢走咗，我覺得返工完全無意義，每日只係想執到間屋整整齊齊……」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLOaZ4WD0Ab
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjc4UQyhRh9
「即使你繼續唔放棄，即使你等一世，佢依然永遠唔會返嚟！」我好擔心阿敏。感情易放難收，唔係單憑理智可以解決嘅事，即係阿敏可能成世走唔出呢個陰影。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlMjB8uLnwB
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「我明白，不過偏偏放唔開……」阿敏放低啤酒罐，篤咗我個額頭一下。「你唔同呀！我嘅角色好被動，你嘅角色完全係喺主動位，無論人哋講啲乜都唔會真正阻止到你——你有手有筆就可以繼續。所以『放棄』定『唔放棄』係你話事。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjWs3U20SY
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阿敏好瀟灑咁轉身離開，邊行邊背對住我講：「我記得以前幫你搵租盤嘅時候，你係個驕傲嘅人。點知嗰晚收到你嘅message，見你話自己住嘅劏房火燭，四圍問人借宿借錢。我本來抱住幸災樂禍嘅心態，想睇下你個慘樣，睇夠就趕你走。點知你又好快重新振作，仲話要追夢。當刻我覺得好感動，想繼續見到你追夢個幸福樣，決定唔會趕你走……你放心，無論你而家決定『放棄』定『唔放棄』，我都唔會趕你走——我啱啱諗通自己應該點做。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUFoS5EVwc
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第二日，阿敏開始搵工，好快有公司請佢。佢無再好似以前咁每日做晒所有家務，而係等放假日子同我兩份分嚟做，做完佢就返入房打機打到天昏地暗。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKLX6cdAsw
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好佩服阿敏，話改就改，仲要改得咁徹底。反觀我自己，開口埋口話追夢，實質一遇上錯折就嗌放棄……255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAClBnzvMQa
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到底我係咪真係鍾意寫小說？我諗咗呢個問題好耐，最後我決定唔再諗，單憑感覺去做——想寫就寫，唔想寫就放低支筆，唔會再為寫而寫。我發現自己寫小說嘅次數越嚟越頻密，投入程度越嚟越高，連大老闆喺身邊行過都唔知。結果我收到大信封，要即日離職。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EzIPCaNby
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阿敏一路打機，一路聽我講今日發生乜事。我講完之後，佢笑笑口問我：「你係咪好鍾意寫小說？」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivchmX2Kq1
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「唔知道。我成日嗌放棄，嗌完之後又繼續寫。情況好似唔成熟嘅情侶，成日分手，分完之後又復合。未諗清楚想點，所以放棄。冷靜之後諗清楚，又覺得其實係有愛。呢種愛係咪真係愛，我唔知。」我搬張圓凳埋電腦枱邊，一路飲熱朱古力，一路睇阿敏打機，一路好認真咁答。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO7qtDdqHn3
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阿敏睄我一眼，即刻收起笑容：「你即係覺得自己唔成熟？」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWKhOnyxtr
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxQ0wMYdyu5
「係，但係無諗住改變。以前啱啱離家出走之後，日算夜算，算盡所有方法令自己活得更好。點知一次經濟不景加一次火燭就乜都無晒。我算到盡都唔夠個天咁盡，真係人算不如天算……倒不如好好活在當下，活得盡興就要滿足。」以前嘅錯折已經好遙遠，對我嘅影響遠遠不及而家手中嘅一杯熱朱古力。我又飲一啖——好飽肚、好暖、好舒服。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5QUWH3Rwc
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfYHXXaKwQ
阿敏啱啱打完一場，無再開新一局。佢伸一伸懶腰，問我：「你點樣先會活得盡興？」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXA2ea1X3MU
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ640vWkL2oi
我諗都唔使諗，答：「寫小說。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGxN2ngtMc
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMnFP89Z9m4
「你嘅邏輯有問題——話唔知自己係咪好鍾意寫小說，又好肯定咁話寫小說先會盡興——如果唔知，又點會咁肯定？」阿敏身體微微傾前，個樣好認真，直望入我雙眼。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoG3zQTe4Fi
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoNiCsKAtm
「你以前讀書時有無參加過陸運會？」我放低個杯，坐直個人，同阿敏對望。「明明唔鍾意參加，又唔可以唔參加，唯有參加自己比較有興趣、比較擅長嘅項目。本來目的係『苦中作樂』，但係因為練習時全情投入，結果不知不覺變得認真、在意結果，不知不覺忘記起初單調乏味嘅苦，不知不覺得到傷痕、眼淚、挫敗感、毅力、堅持、成長……」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBmr0JiwHK
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo7l64PKoaQ
「明明過咗三十歲，你仲講到自己係好青春、好熱血嘅中學生！」阿敏忍唔住大笑。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCB3htnFwWn
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO7qxG1Ihpv
「『青春』、『熱血』係形容心態，唔係形容年紀。我去到七老八十都可以好青春、好熱血！」我預咗阿敏會笑我，所以完全無尷尬。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0rNbk3Xnh
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx1PO2uq3jM
「係咩？」阿敏依然笑唔停。255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4Mrk7ytNN
255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvYlGIUNEB
「唔信？我俾你見識下我嘅熱血青春！」趁阿敏唔為意，我撲前錫咗佢塊面一啖。「我中學嗰時就係噉樣示愛。」255Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyo8fRW4rX
註：此篇同時收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》第56章。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns 172.70.100.71da2
然後按「加至主畫面」