Note to self: Not what to do when you want to get close to someone.
- Let out a bad fart when you are standing close by.
- Start singing along to music and attempt to twerk.
- Drop a massive cup of iced coffee all over yourself, so you look like cow poop.
I guess you can tell from the Day Two title which one happened to me today. Everything was fine and dandy. Up, dressed and bag packed in record time. I felt it was onto a winner. Surely my lucky streak would last the whole morning? Well… no it didn’t.
If Him has a nickname for me now, it’s going to be gloopy cow poop. And believe me, that’s not a nice name for anyone to have. He was still in his normal seat, fingers glued down onto the phone screen. Eyes flicking back and forth, page after page. He must really be trying to educate himself on something.
Today’s soundtrack was Elvis. His soulful voice over Love Me Tender made my heart swoon inside. I could tell that another commuter sat close by was listening to some kind of rapping song. Mouthing swear words like “Shit” and “Bullcrap” over and over. Feeling tempted to tap his shoulder and remind him that children are present on the bus. But again, I’m far too passive for any kind of social engagement that involves contact.
I swear these days that a single word or simple gesture makes a person in a bad mood, a really bad mood, seriously want to punch someone else. At school, there were fights constantly. Sometimes, it was a group of boys fighting over one girl or a group of girls fighting over a guy. Then, this one lesson where two classmates tried to wind me up with cheeky winking and giggles. That certainly didn’t brighten my day. I love the feeling of being in genuine romantic situations. A simple peck on the cheek or a cute love note left in your jacket pocket.
What wines me up is when a stranger thinks he knows you, tries some cringey line as a form of chatting up and then you bump into an arch enemy who comes to the conclusion that you have a relationship and starts getting others involved in a bullying tactic. I can’t stress this more than enough. If you are friends with people of the opposite gender, it doesn’t mean you have to be dating them. Friends are friends. I love friends. I need friends. Loneliness isn’t easy.
Some of the residents in my neighbourhood are really elderly. They’ve lived through a World War or in one case, used to be a film actress in the 40s. Her tales were great. Her name was Juliet Yonder and she used to open up about the films and musicals she starred in as a young woman. Groups of soldiers and sailors on leave paying tickets to see her live. Lots of dancing, singing, just pure joy for everyone.
That’s what I stand for. Bringing joy and peace. I hope that is my purpose for being here on Planet Earth. Otherwise, I’m clearly an alien. One thing’s for certain, I want to be a happy, healthy woman who will be like Juliet was in the past. History was my favourite school subject. Timelines were difficult to plot and draw, but when it happened, it happened well.
So, the iced coffee. I literally had no idea that Him would be following me after the bus docked in the bay. Yet, out of the corner of my eye, I could see him. No sign of any items in his hand. Just focusing on crossing the road safely away from busy traffic.
Lots of students head to one of the busy cafes in the city. I’m not joking when I say there are tons of them. One second too long of waiting, there’s no seats left. More than that, they will be out of coffee beans to brew. Don’t get me wrong, I love my coffee. Iced coffee is a little treat. The only downside is having to go and pee for ages afterwards. It’s annoying and at times, unpleasant.
I managed to get into the queue at the local Costa. They do takeaway drinks which in this case, I had to leave anyway since no seats plus running late for class. Clicking my fingers gently by my side, I noticed the bright font of the menu and prices. My taste buds craving the cool refreshing blast of ice. The actual ordering part was fine. I was able to get the barista to 1, listen to me and 2, be charged the right price for the drink.
What happened afterwards ruined everything. I carried the drink out but felt the cup slipping out of my fingers. Time seemed to stand still as it landed smack bang on the pavement, showering me in cold iced latte from head to toe. My shower earlier clearly wasn’t needed. I was soaked and with no spare clothes.
From behind me, the laughter started. One person, then two, then three. No-one made any attempt to help me. I’ve learnt by now that people don’t want to help the autistic girl. Stigmas are rife in this world. I mentioned briefly in Day One about it. At least it wasn’t raining outside, that’s for sure.
Then, I happened to glance up for a second and noticed Him looking, wondering then out of the corner of his mouth, a little smirk beginning to form. So, he was one of those people I worked out. Someone who sided with the crowd since it was the safer option.
Finally, someone gently touched me on the shoulder. Then I did the inevitable. Since being touched unexpectedly is a huge peeve of mine, I screamed. One of those blood-curdling screams from the horror movies. New reputation of Dani in her home city- The awkward bimbo screamer. Thank god my family were not around to witness this meltdown in front of the general public. They would be so frustrated with me.
The stranger, an older lady displayed a nasty glare before muttering the word ‘freak’ and walking off. Passer-bys either carried on passed or glanced at my now dirty clothes. I didn’t have any clean ones on me, either than underwear and socks in case of an emergency. Well, this was an emergency now.
I had three options. Go back in and demand a refund from Costa. I mean, they were the ones that didn’t secure the drink properly in the first place. Second choice was suck it up and go to class as planned but looking disgusting. Final choice was go home and change but face the wrath of my family in the meantime. To be honest, all of the options I had sounded worse equally. Part of me really wanted to travel home and come back later. Other parts of me said carry on and act like the mess was a new fashion trend.
Cue fifteen minutes later and my choice was made. I was on a bus home. Since I hate using the phone and getting upset looking through my Facebook feed, I just didn’t want to see any more faces for the day. Mainly Him and his face really. In just one day, I had gone from having him potentially as a love interest to the next being an utter idiot.
At home, I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I was missing a few of my classes and catching up on the project notes we had to do over the past weekend. Not being there was bad, a sour feeling in my mouth. The calls were going to start again and my family were going to be on my back as they had done so in the past.
My anxiety can play up at the worst of times. Being normal is simply not an option for me. My college I attend like to brainwash me into thinking that my Aspie’s has turned me into a lazy sloth. It just means that I need longer time to do classwork in and I’m a lot quieter than the others. Does that make me a bad person? Apparently so.
Whenever I have a panic meltdown, my blankets provide warmth and shelter from the outside. It’s easy to play pretend and feel safer and content underneath it forever. Honestly, I can’t stay low for decades. As much as I sometimes want to. Life is rough, even tougher if you’re like me.
In the end, I did change my clothes into my second favourite outfit. Well, just a different shirt and jacket combo. My spare leggings had been put into the family washing blanket, but they were easy to grab and wear. I had an all-day ticket and there were still plenty of city buses about. As much as I hated it, I had to go back to some of the day I had in the classroom.
Headphones on full blast, I simply didn’t care if anyone else could hear me. I don’t think there is a system for people who listen to loud music repeatedly. Then again, that’s a bad thought. I could end up in serious trouble and the end of my music sanctuary.
When I finally got to the classroom, I had missed at least two hours worth, but still had time to vaguely work out the lesson content and re-join the others. My group are a mixed bunch. But as far as I know, there aren’t any Aspie’s other than myself present. The teacher can be strict sometimes, dropping the “finally you graced us with your presence Dani” line at least once a week. Today was no exception. Instead this time round, she seemed very fed up with me.
The dreaded sentence “stay behind after class” is normally reserved for serious troublemakers. But this time, I really struggled to make sense of why she was holding me back. Yes, I had issues but I was still there. Was my actions and attendance not valued?
I struggled to focus. The handwriting on the whiteboard made my eyes strain, trying to process what was about to happen. Here’s all of the outcomes I had in my head.
- You’re a lazy git who doesn’t give a damn in life!
- You don’t try hard enough, even though you’re disabled.
- You’re disabled and we don’t want your kind in any of the classes here anymore.
The latter one I was convinced about. Each day, there’s always a story in the news that makes my blood boil. Most likely it’s about a disabled person who was denied the right to use essential services or was too slow to keep a job or keep being a student.
When you are kept behind, it’s never for anything positive. As the others left, it was just me and the teacher. The loud traffic from the main road outside filtering past loudly, with a mixture of car horns and shouts.
“Dani, I’m really worried about you.” said my teacher, “Really worried.”
As this moment, I remembered the frown lines I felt forming on my forehead, “Why? I am attending and doing the work.”
She waved her arm slightly, as if she was trying to shake off some loose baggage, “The reason why is because you will be leaving the College soon to go onto your next stage of learning. Whether that be in the workplace or at University.”
I nodded slowly, “So?”
“I just want to warn you. Everyone else in the class has their options sorted about from you.” she frowned at me.
Well reader, that’s because she hasn’t physically sat down with me or my parents to go through everything.
“Basically, you want me to leave the class?” I nervously spoke up, “I understand, I don’t seem to fit in.”
“No, that’s not what I…” she started to say but stopped. That pause felt like a lifetime.
“Look Dani, you have to get your future sorted out now. I know that you have issues, but it’s up to you now. You’re nearly an adult. We can’t help you much longer as a College.” she finally spoke, confirming my worst fears.
She still wanted me to leave, but wouldn’t directly admit it to my face. I guess she held some compassion for people’s feelings.
“Well, thanks for your time. I’ll be on my own way now.” I replied before leaving quickly.
Reader, I’m now in a serious crisis. Lots of trouble with a capital T.
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