Summary: It’s hard to be a hero, especially when no one saves you.
Warnings: Cannon level Dean Winchester depression. Mentions and hints of drug use, Alcohol abuse, and excessive drinking, language, self-loathing, maybe a hint of jealous! Dean? Dean’s in a very dark place in this fic, and it’s a tear-jerker.
Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader
Word Count: 20139Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6IYSdL5g8
Somebody save me9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWcyDu9zyH
Me from myself9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoFDz6hR87
I’ve spent so long9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzYGsRaBtGz
Living in hell
Dean twisted the cap off of another bottle and downed the contents of the warm alcohol quick enough to make himself a little tipsy, and that alone felt like an accomplishment. He could hear Elieen and Sam in the room just down the hall from him, and honestly, it made him sick.
It wasn't that he disliked Elieen. In fact, he was the one that told Sam to go for it. She knew what they did, understood their lifestyle because she herself was a hunter and if Sam had a chance at being happy, who was he to tell him otherwise. It was more than Dean himself felt he’d ever had, or even deserve.
He supposed this was the price of being the ‘hero’. The guy who saved everyone's ass. Why couldn’t he be the one getting saved for once?
Eileen’s laughter cut through the silence of the Bunker and drifted into Dean’s room where he pulled the covers up over his head to try and block the sound.
He was tired of living this way, but once he got drunk enough to not feel the lonely ache in his chest, he guessed it would stop mattering then. Then he could carry on with this shit-storm of a life he’d been reduced to. People thought Hell was lonely, turns out it was pretty much the same topside too.
They say my lifestyle is bad for my health9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJM06sIgDiG
It’s the only thing that seems to help9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFNgLXeNQE
All of this drinking and smoking is hopeless but feel like it’s all that I need9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUsS1e0c5F
Something inside of me is broken, I hold onto anything that sets me free
“Dean, you’re getting too old to drink like that, man,” Sam said from his side of the table in the library where he and Eileen had taken up residence to look for another hunt. Dean hoped they’d fucking find one because he was tired of sitting here looking at them and just twiddle his thumbs.
His liver desperately wanted him to find something to do with himself as well, not just keep on damaging it, and seemed to be screaming at him pretty loud this morning.
“I’m fine, Sam. I quit the hard stuff a long time ago. I just need some sleep. Come get me if you guys come up with a hunt.”
He got up and slid the chair back with more force than needed, but he hated it when Sam tried to butt in his life and tell him what he should and shouldn’t be doing. It’s easy to say shit like that when you don’t have to wake up to a cold bed every morning.
Dean was just like everyone else. He craved companionship that didn’t come from some one night stand he picked up at a bar. He wanted a family, hell, he wanted to have kids someday. There goes that opportunity when you’re in your forties and too damn broken to even get through the night without alcohol.
“So much for being a good father figure,” Dean snorted to himself as he flopped down on his bed, letting the silence that stood in his room carve him deeper than any torturer from Hell could conjure up, or any wound his body had ever endured.
Dean’s eyes drifted over to the almost empty bottle of Tennessee Whiskey on his nightstand, and he let out a huff. He would never tell Sam about the dime bag he kept in the hiding place under the floorboard of Baby for when things got really bad and he knew that he should stop doing this shit to himself, but it was the only relief he seemed to get sometimes. Today seemed like one of those days.
I’m a lost cause9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIGpqE8tXN
Baby, don’t waste your time on me9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡry0wGU01e9
I’m so damaged beyond repair9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhFNdrokPi
Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UgqoMPirs
I’m a lost cause9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39vbrOIjAe
Baby, don’t waste your time on me9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHZ5J71h8q
I’m so damaged beyond repair9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlfPqM1jqOz
Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams
Dean picked up his phone that was lying next to him on the bed, and somehow he started to dial your number, just like he’d done a thousand times over the years. It felt like a lifetime since he’d last seen you, but he always kept your phone number and would even dial it on occasion to just hear you say “hello” before he would quickly hang up.
But he couldn’t do that to you, he couldn’t put you in the kind of danger his life seemed to be saturated in. Besides there was no hope for someone like him, and if he thought he was fucked up years ago when he’d first meet you on that hunt in Wichita? Well, fuck if he wasn’t more in deep shit now than he’d ever been.
Dean was sure you’d moved on by now anyway, he wasn’t going to waste your time on him. He was a lost cause. A shattered, broken shell of the former hunter when he was 28. Now it was all an act and a brave face until he could get stoned enough to get numb to not give a damn, because Dean fucking Winchester wasn’t allowed to feel. And as a result, he never did.
What if the night sky was missing the moon?9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrETJkbp5v
And there were no shooting stars, to use wishing on you9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0jG8rsPPX1
And all of my sorrows, I just wash them down9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhvkFKt4wR
It’s the only peace I’ve ever found.9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcYDUsxUzr
All of this drinking and smoking is hopeless but feel like it’s all that I need9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8D1o2fkIvb
Something inside of me is broken, I hold onto anything that sets me free
Dean didn’t stop until he was tired of driving, but it was better than being in that Bunker with the couple fucking happy in love. He found himself in probably another state, but fuck if he even knew which one, they all looked the same after so many years on the road. A joint burning slowly in one hand, a bottle of cheap whiskey in another, and his back stretched out on Baby’s sleek, black hood. Nothing out there between him and all of his past years of regret but the stars, and the moon that shined out over the body of water he was parked in front of.
He was starting to feel the effects of his self-medication, and he knew he’d end up spending the night out here-which wasn’t much of a problem for him. At least it was quiet, peaceful even. That or he was just shit-faced enough to drown out the voices in his head that were screaming at him louder than usual that he would die alone, just like his father. Chasing his demons.
If this little bit of pot and that little bit of alcohol gave him a little earlier out without having to actually pull the trigger? Well, fuck he’d take that too. He deserved nothing less than to die stoned, drunk, and probably in his own vomit. So much for being a hero. At this point though, he was pretty positive that heroes didn’t get saved.
When the alcohol had run out and he had to lean against a tree to take a piss, he decided that he’d go crawl in the backseat and try to sleep it off so that he could play the hero one more day. That was, if he woke up
When he had flopped across the leather seats of the only real home he’d ever known, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed the number he was pretty sure he’d never forget. It rang and rang until he was just about to say fuck it, and hang up when you finally answered the phone.
“Hello?”
Dean’s breath hitched in his throat, and he knew that he should’ve just hung up but for some reason, he couldn’t. He couldn’t stand the ache in his own chest any longer.
“Hello?” your voice said again as one silent tear slipped down his cheek onto the leather seat underneath him.
“Y/N, It’s Dean… I-uh, I’m sorry to call you so late.”
You could have heard a pin drop as your own heart picked up the pace, your mind racing a thousand miles a minute.
“Dean? Damn it’s been years. I thought you were dead!” you tell him in disbelief, sitting down on the concrete steps outside of your little house. His face still was a clear picture in your mind, the night he’d left you felt like it was yesterday as it was all those years ago.
“Not dead yet, Sweetheart,” Dean laughed almost humorlessly. It was too late to hang up now, so he could either lie to her, or he could tell the truth, he could tell her how lonely he really was and how much he regretted the day he’d left her all those years ago. “I’m-uh… I’m thinking about coming by and seeing you for a few days. It’s been a long time, and I just… God Y/N, I just really want to see you again.”
Your mouth fell open in shock. You could tell he’d been drinking by the slurred speech, but it was almost as if you could hear the cry for help in his voice.
“You know you’re always welcome here Dean. I told you years ago, and it still stands today, you can always come home.”
Dean swallowed the lump in his throat as the tears started to flow freely down his face now. “So you never moved on? No, Mr. Right?” Dean tried to sound like he was joking, but honestly, he just felt like he sounded weak. Still, he had to know.
“No Dean, I told you it was you, and it would always be you,” you said, drying tears of your own away with the sleeve of your shirt. “I still love you, Dean, I always will. No matter how dangerous you say it is.”
Dean was about to hang up and tell you it was a mistake, but you had to go and say that. The internal battle was still raging inside of him, but dammit if he wasn’t tired of fighting it.
I’m a lost cause9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLlVgtNrA5e
Baby, don’t waste your time on me9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtVgekbe7a
I’m so damaged beyond repair9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyLYefYvZVF
Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynd0muqbnc
I’m a lost cause9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡps2i8Och42
Baby, don’t waste your time on me9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlEZjs96xu
I’m so damaged beyond repair9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJAI09qMMu8
Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams
You talked to Dean until he had passed out with the promise he’d see you in the morning. He told you over and over again that you should hang upon him, that you should rightfully tell him to fuck off, but you refused to. So now you stood pacing the front porch of the address you had texted to his phone last night. Praying, hoping that you’d see that beautiful black Impala that haunted your dreams pull down your driveway.
Some of the things that he’d told you last night that he’d been through were horrific and you knew he wasn’t the same man he was all those years ago, but you also knew he still had the same soul. He saved you all those years ago, and now, it was your turn to save him.
You didn’t breathe easily until you heard Baby’s engine purr and saw her coming down your street. It took all you had not to run to meet him halfway, and when he got out of the car, he said nothing, just wrapped his arms around you and pulled you right into him-like you were a lifeline, and if he let you go, he’d never surface again. Little did you know that it was exactly what he felt.
“You’re home Dean,” you told him through broken sobs of your own mixed with his.
And he was. Finally, someone decided he might just be worth saving too, and he was glad that it was you.
9Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1UFkezRKW
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