I stare at the blinding screen reading it over and over again. My hundredth rejection letter reads as follows; “Sorry Nika, we have decided to not publish your story. We hope you will try again next time.” I lean back against my creaking chair and close out the browser. “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time.”
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I get up and push through the physical rejection letters littering the floor and grab the dirt-encrusted handle of my small refrigerator. I look through the last few bread loaves and grab one. I rip the plastic wrapping off the top and bite down on the hard crust.
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I take my meal back to my seat ready to write another page of words. Maybe the next one will be better, but something catches my eye, a notification on my email.
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“Hey, Nika, mom, and dad are throwing a party at our old home tomorrow. It’s pretty much a family reunion to celebrate their 30th anniversary. I haven’t seen you in nearly 10 years so I hope you can show up and meet my family.
Sincerely, your twin Leba”
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I close my eyes to contemplate the news and eventually decide to go. Maybe a break from my dump would help me in writing. This death streak can’t go on forever, right? I look under my bed for something presentable and pick out something resembling a suit. A dirty black shirt with 3 buttons on the top, I wash it in the sink and let it dry near the one window.
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It should be done by tomorrow so I go under the covers to sleep the time away.
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The sun peaked through my window to alert me of the new day. I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth with the 10-month-old toothbrush, and then wash with the water from the faucet. I wish I had another pair of pants but these jeans will have to do. I grab the dried shirt and head out of the apartment.
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Good thing I live nearby, I start my walk toward my old home. Time flies and I’m soon greeted by a normal-looking house, old but dignified. I look around for any sign of time but fail to see if I’m late or early. I breathe in the nostalgic air, walk up to the front porch, and knock.
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I’m greeted by an elderly woman with eyes still full of life and chestnut-curled hair that still shines in the sun.
“Nika, is that you?”
“Hey, Mom.”
My mother hugs me and I stiffly return it. For the first time in a long time, I feel….a sense of peace.
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“Wow Nika, it’s been so long. I’m glad you came, you’re early in fact. Come in and sit down, I’ll get you some coffee.”
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“Thanks, I’ll do that.”
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I step into the house and hear nothing. No creaking or scurrying of insects, I almost forgot what that feels like. I sit down on the sofa in front of the TV. I almost fell inside of it, it was so….soft.
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Mom soon handed me a cup of warm coffee as she sat next to me with her own cup. I brought the cup to my mouth and slowly sipped its contents.
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“Nika, are you….crying?”
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“What?”
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I brought a hand to my face and could feel the water streaming down my face. I wiped the tears and apologized for my mistake.
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“It’s alright Nika, I guess….it’s okay this time.”
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I looked at the floor and then all around me, unable to really take in everything. I wish I could-
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“Mom….can I….move back in?”
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My mother sat her cup on the nearby coaster.
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“You know the answer Nika, you’re an adult now so you have to get your own place. I told you and Leba this when you were 18."
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“I….know….I’m sorry.”
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We spent the rest of the time in silence. It didn’t take long for more guests to come in and for dad to come from upstairs to aid in the greeting. I kept near the wall and just watched the events pass by until the final guest arrived.
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“Leba, what took you so long!”
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My eyes are pulled to the front door and I almost spit out the last of my coffee. Leba was now taller and more muscular but that’s not what’s shocking. It was his wife and daughter. His wife was the most beautiful thing my tired eyes have seen. Her cute brown hair and eyes that can stare into my soul. My brother….changed so much.
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“Sorry mom, I had to pick up Lily from school.”
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My brother tilts his head down so mom could give him her forehead kiss. I involuntarily rub my forehead.
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“So who’s this beautiful woman?”
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“She’s my world, her name is Terra. Fitting right?”
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They share a laugh that seems so distanced from my world. I decide to tune out the rest of the conversation, it was a mistake to come here. I look for a chance to leave but then someone said something that broke what few strings were holding me together.
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“Oh look at the famous writer!”
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My dad barrels to Leba and gives him a great hug. What does he….mean by that? Author?
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“Dad, how did you know?”
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“I can recognize my own son’s writing. At least one of you made it.”
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I choke upon hearing those words, I look toward the ground. Why is my brother always….
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“Come on Dad, it wasn’t difficult so I’m sure Nika is just taking his time.”
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“Sure….”
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I had enough of this. Once I have the chance I’m leaving this place. I place the teacup down and position myself to rush out of there. I could….still have the chance to catch up to him….right?
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“Nika, come over to meet my family!”
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A piercing voice knocks me out of my headspace. I hesitate to go over, I’m sure to make a fool of myself. But...I can’t stand here either so I shuffle to Leba and his family.
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“Terra, Luna, this is my twin brother Nika.”
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I nod my head and outstretch my head in greetings which Terra takes. Her hand was smooth and warm, unlike anything I ever felt. I quickly withdrew my hand after a few shakes, this….isn’t my world.
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“He really looks like you, honey.”
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“Yeah, we used to actually switch places when we were kids. Remember Nika?”
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I give a robotic nod. I just want this to end. What’s the point of this Leba? Rubbing this in my face when you know I’m a failure.
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“So Nika, what do you do?” Terra asks me with a golden smile.
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“Well, I-”
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“A writer right, I mean like you brother?”
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Terra interrupts me with such enthusiasm that I’m taken aback. Because of the prospect of knowing another famous writer, I suppose, but what am I supposed to say?
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“A writer? Hah! I bet he works at a fast food place.”
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My heart sinks as my dad interjects with a spot-on guess.
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“I’m sure your joking again, both brothers are probably great writers.”
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Terra tries to defend me but I know it’s useless, I try to leave to save us time.
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“Where are you going Nika?”
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“I have to work on another story. Some of us can’t wing it and succeed you know.”
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I spit that at my blessed twin before leaving the house. I can hear them talking about me behind my back but I try not to care, It’s just….how it is. Some people have it and others do not. I just wish it wasn’t my brother. I just wish I wasn't so overshadowed, in this field of all things….
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I drag my feet back home as the sun begins to set, I guess time flew by regardless if I was having fun or not.
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“Wait, Nika.”
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I turn around expecting to see Leba running towards me but instead I’m greeted by a red sports car. Of course, he would have one. What was I expecting? He pulls up beside me and motions for me to come in. I sigh and let fate take its course.
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“So why did you pick me up Leba?”
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“Well, I don’t want our relationship to die so I thought how about we go camping for old time’s sake.”
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“What about your family?”
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“Terra has her own car, she’ll take Luna home and wait for me. Brothers need their time, right?”
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I say nothing, I don’t care anymore. I just wait for this to be over, I don’t want to be reminded of a life I couldn’t have. Terra drives us out of town into the nearby forest that we used to camp at as kids. The ride was comfortable silence until Leba decided to open his mouth and say-
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“You know Nika, I know how it feels to be in your shoes.”
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I could feel my eyes twitch at such an outrageous claim. But why not, let’s hear how the golden child struggled.
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“When I decided to be a writer, I worked hard and after my 9th rejection, they accepted my story under the pen name Edena. So you just got to try harder Nika, like how I did.”
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Sickening.
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Why do I even bother letting this oblivious genius fool talk? I could feel my heart shrinking and my fists bleeding. What’s worse is that the writer Edena is an up-and-coming star. Through the pain, I could only say one thing.
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“Why did you choose to become a writer?”
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“Hmmm, I guess because I liked it enough to keep going.”
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“Is that really the reason?”
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“What did you say? Oh, wait a minute we’re here.”
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I sigh as the car stops at a good spot in the forest. I’m surprised a sports car could make the trip. We leave the car and get the equipment from the back and set up our campsite with fire and marshmallows.
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“So what did you say in the car?”
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I look up from my slowly burning marshmallow and stare at my twin.
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“I said, was that really the reason why you choose writing out of all your skills? You could have chosen the piano, computers, soccer, or even painting. So why writing?”
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“As I said, because I liked it the most.”
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I’m getting frustrated with this bastard so I let my emotions slowly leak. If not here then when.
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“You knew that it was my dream to be a writer, it was my one and only skill Leba. Why….did you take it away from me?”
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“If it was your one and only skill, why aren’t you better at it?”
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Those words, said so casually, stabbed at my heart.
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“Does it matter Nika? You just got to try harder, right?”
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“Try harder huh….you don’t know what that means.”
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“Do we have to do this now?”
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“Then when Leba!?”
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My frustration exploded as I stood up and threw my marshmallow on the ground.
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“Why could you not leave me with the one thing that genetics gave me!? You're better than me at everything, you have the life I’ve dreamed of and you act like it was only natural! I’ve worked so hard and look at me! Nothing to show for it! But here you are, someone who barely worked for anything yet blessed with everything!”
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I screamed out my frustrations while glaring at the one person that should have my back.
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“….Grow up, Nika. Mom and Dad expect us to do great things so how about you stop whining and…. just get good.”
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“Fuck you Leba, easy for the golden child to say. The protagonist of the world’s story.”
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Leba nonchalantly eats his marshmallow and gets up.
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“Nika, it was a mistake to bring you out here. So I’m sorry, you should just focus on your next story.”
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“Leba, what happened to us? We used to be closer than this.”
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Leba begins to walk back to the car but stops to give me one last stab.
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“It’s because I grew up as mother told us to do. Just be grateful for what you have and improve yourself like she always said.”
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My mind flashes back to my decrepit home. The rejection letters, soul-crushing job, and the shattered dreams of happiness I’ve never felt. Then my mind flashes to Terra, Leba’s life, my old warm home. I feel tears flow down my face as I pick up a heavy rock. I feel a mix of desperation and exhaustion escape my lips.
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“You know what mom also said?”
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“What’s that?”
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“With purpose unfulfilled or failure to succeed, there is no point to our lives.”
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*Smash*
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*Smash*
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*Smash*
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*Smash*
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*SMASH*
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“I’m tired of living a pointless life, working myself to the bone for nothing. I give up on being Nika.”
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I feel nothing, I don’t feel like I’m even here anymore. Leba’s bloodied body does not exist. It isn’t even Leba, it’s Nika’s body. I’m Leba, all my work wasn’t for nothing….It….was rewarded. I….have a….happy….life.
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I drop to my knees and tears begin to hammer the ground.
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I wipe these tears from my face, I have no reason to feel sad. I’ll make sure the world knows that Nika committed suicide when they find the body. I clean the area, out of respect for what came before. I take my clothes off of Nikka, I don’t know how that got on him.
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I finally leave Nika behind, get into my car, and drive home. Almost as if it was meant to be, I drive perfectly to my house. A glorious house with 2 floors, a picket fence, a dog house, and lights beckoning me home. I get out of my car and calmly walk up to the door but before I can open it I’m blinded by the light within.
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Terra and Luna welcomed me home with a smile stolen from angels.
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“Welcome home Leba.”
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I’m overcome by the sight and Terra’s words. The last of my tears hit the pavement as I return the blessed greeting. I go up to her and submerge myself in the warm embrace I was always denied.
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“I’m Home.”
ns216.73.216.30da2
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